This Fish Needs A Bicycle

untitled

I don’t know how not to indulge this.

At 3:30 AM, I was limping around my apartment, trying to ease the leg cramps that were curling my toes and keeping me from sleep. In my desperate need for potassium, I took a multi-vitamin. We have no bananas today.

Half an hour later, I crept gingerly up to my roof where I paced until my legs relaxed a bit. Then I sat. And thought. And over-thought. Until it grew faintly light over the East River and it occurred to me how exposed I was, wearing nothing but my t-shirt.

So I went back to bed.

I’d gone to bed several hours earlier feeling disappointed over some small matter. Only, it’s no secret that nighttime does its best to amplify small matters -- putting monsters in closets and leaving wolves without their sheepish disguises. Too much alone time spent not sleeping, watching minutes blink by on digital clocks in the various time zones of my apartment, and I was very tempted to make a late phone call. It was an empty sort of moment needing to be filled with a certain trademarked, “Awwww, I’m sorry, baby.”

But I let her sleep. She lives on Stuart Standard Time -- it was even later there.

Today, the things made big by the night have curiously stayed big. My workday is in full swing, and I’m mentally abstaining. I’m just staring at the other office windows on Fifth Avenue, and sometimes at the black desk phone to my left. Ring. Be a friendly voice.

Justine was kind enough to fend off my 10:00 appointment. Like I said, I don’t know how not to indulge this. Though, I suppose I’d better try.

PS:
Thank you, friendly voice.

i can bring home the bacon

Completely cured of my bizarre bout with melancholy, I left work yesterday on a mission.

Post-mother visit, the apartment was still a disaster. Belying all of my natural OCD tendencies to maniacally preserve the tidiness of my small space, I’d simply let it all go in the name of recovery. Well, happy Therapeutic Recovery Period met its statute of limitations yesterday when I arranged to host my very first (and quite impromptu) dinner soirée.

Once home, bed linens were stripped and sent downstairs to the fluff-n-fold, couches lint-brushed for my kitten-allergic guest, groceries bought and mushrooms washed and set to marinate in the fridge.

I’m a headstrong, focused sort of gal who, once there is a goal in mind, can’t be bothered with trifle things like… changing my clothes. Last night, I cleaned the apartment in its entirety still wearing what I’d thrown on for work that morning. I was still decked out in the very Donna Reed-esque frock when I flip-flopped down the street hours later to meet Ari for TCBY and our evening constitutional.

“I can’t believe you cleaned like that.” She said over strawberry frozen yogurt. “You should have come over to borrow my pearls.”

“Pink flip-flops: the new kitten heel.”

I nearly burst into a round of, “I can bring home the bacon… fry it up in a pan….” But we were in public. And really, isn’t that song best sung in a sultry fashion while toying suggestively with a dishtowel?

Maybe I’ll save it for tonight’s after-dinner entertainment.

Rarrr.

down to the brown

I had a very surprising, weepy moment last night in the middle of my cover-to-cover digestion of Fran Drescher’s account of her battle with cancer.

A book about cancer? Sad? You don’t say!

But I found myself crying at the happy parts of the book. And then again later during the cutesy ‘Big Families are Great’ moments of Cheaper by the Dozen. I caught Sir Halitosis looking up from his state of perma-napping with that, “you’re a crazy sap” look in his eyes. Deciding that His Excellency was right, I put the movie on pause and called a girlfriend for some non-sentimental gab.

El filled me in on the news back in the Hub. Time has flown, and as it turns out, the Fireman will be returning from his war duty this weekend. Coincidence that I was planning to make a trip up there? Purely. Uniformed boy-toys are so last year. All glibness aside, I can’t say that I miss the ridiculous drama of living on that aptly named dead-end street, so densely populated with my social circle. It was all a little too Peyton Place for me.

Forty-five minutes later, I hung up the phone and finished the movie. And cried again -- at least twice. Ninja, please! Yeah, yeah, I was once part of a big ole happy family, too. Sure my parents didn’t like each other nearly as much as Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt, but my siblings kick ass and I’m really okay with the whole divorce thing…

What is with the big waaaah moments?

It was bedtime, so I went about my nightly ritual. Fed the cat, brushed my teeth, filled a cup of cold Brita water and wandered into the bedroom where I discovered…

I was down to the brown pills. You know, the sugar pills. Duh. That explained everything!

It’s honestly not a wonder that I forgot, seeing as the last few months I simply couldn’t be bothered with Mother Nature and opted to skip the brown pills altogether (no lectures, this is perfectly safe). Long gone are the days of advanced warning, caustic PMS symptoms for this girl. Now I simply have a solid twenty-four hours of hormonal shock treatment, during which I really should be wearing a sign that says,

Fragile: Handle with Care. And hugs and strawberry frozen yogurt.

media schmedia

At Barnes & Noble this afternoon, browsing led to buying and I left with my very own copy of Fran Drescher's second autobiography,"Cancer Schmancer."

After Friday night's showing of Fahrenheit 9-11, I decided I needed some more... gentle media for the remainder of my weekend.

Maybe I thought Michael Moore would just skip over showing little Iraqi babies with their arms blown to pieces. Maybe I didn't think I'd cry for a Michigan mother who'd lost her son. But with the theater being so hot and humid, and having had two vodka tonics with dinner, by the time the movie let out I was dizzy and overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to hit the street for some cooler air.

The streets were no cooler, nor any less congested. We hurried west to escape the crowds of converted democrats in loud debates, over-analyzing the film.

"What'd you think of it?" my companion asked as we broke through the crowds.
"I... don't really know. It upset me."
"I couldn't tell if my ears were playing tricks on me," he said. "I thought I heard you sniffling."
"I was."

So, yes, Fahrenheit 9-11 made me cry. More than once. Which is why today, after my Post-Nanny purchase, I skipped down to Blockbuster where I rented Cheaper by the Dozen. I figured it was safe.

I mean, I read the whole cover and didn’t see Moore’s name anywhere on it.

what a girl writes on 3 hours of sleep

When I was young, the idea of ‘running errands’ seemed very grown up and glamorous. It is fairly safe to say that Barbie had as many errands as she did romantic encounters in my house of dreams. Somewhere on par with having my very own fairy godmother was having my very own to-do list.

While I have come to grips with the fact that I will never have a pleasantly plump fairy to bippity-boppity-boo me into haute couture, I am blessed with the reassurance that I will also never be without my to-do list. And it is so very glamour-free.

Yesterday’s post-it note took me to a handful of stops on the Upper East Side: Victoria’s Secret, Barnes & Noble, PetCo, Duane Reade and the corner fluff & fold where I picked up my *gulp* twenty-three pounds of laundry.

Plagued with the idea that I’d forgotten to add something to my list, I hurried home to get ready for the evening’s affairs. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out what I’d neglected to purchase. This is what you get for not writing it down, I scolded myself in the shower. You’re gonna be bugged all night.

And when I stumbled in to bed at a quarter of three this morning, it finally hit me -- or rather, every single piece of furniture from the living room to the bedroom hit me. I needed light bulbs.

Or shin guards. Or a miner's hat? That'd be sweet.

big ole bag of sex education

One honeydew flavored condom.

That was the only even remotely scandalous item in my gift bag from last night’s benefit at the Museum of Sex. Was I foolish to have expected better?

The proceeds of the night’s event went to a worthy cause for public reproductive health research and education. Yadda yadda. That’s great and all, but couldn’t they have at least thrown in some dirty playing cards or something? True, there was a nice copy of the MTV sex-ed pamphlet, and I now have a handy, concise reference to the symptoms of a wide array of sexually transmitted diseases. (This will not stop me from diagnosing a canker sore as syphilis.)

If I hadn’t found the honeydew condom hiding in my big ole bag of sex education, I’d have been forced to march back to the museum and demand that sexual tarot reading I never got around to having. You know, in order not to consider the night a complete bust.

I mean, if I’m going to be all charitable and such, I feel like I should be getting some decent smut out of the deal.

those crazy kids

When I got home last night, the girls had already left for the airport. I wandered through the silent disaster zone that had become my apartment and into my bedroom.

On my bedside table, I found a vase of big purple flowers and a note.

Will you go to homecoming with us?

The flowers were mums.

wednesdays & saturdays

J called the other night while the girls and I were on our way to dinner.

“I’m driving back from my parents’ house,” the message said. “And I just wanted to call and tell you that I really miss you.”

He’s a sentimental one, that J.

I remember taking that same drive back from his parents’ place on the Cape (I’d been gardening with his mother while the men worked on the project car in the garage), Dashboard Confessional’s Shirts and Gloves playing on the CD player.

I think I miss you most
On Wednesdays and Saturdays

“That’s when I’d miss your guts out, too,” he’d said, drumming on the steering wheel. Always drumming.

“Laundry night?”
“Yeah. And days like today.”

On Wednesday evenings, I’d trim his hair and then he’d lug my laundry to the big, not annoying Laundromat on Brighton Ave, where he’d help fold -- everything but the underwear. Underwear made him nervous. Then we’d watch really bad reality television. The night was significant in its own way, and when I finally sent that, “I never, ever want to see you again,” email last February, I remember thinking, What am I going to do on Wednesday nights?

I think the first week, I took a Xanax with a half a bottle of wine and went to bed early.

I was a sentimental one, too.

committed

I love, love, love having lunch with Sarah in Bryant Park.

“I think this is getting serious,” she said as we settled in at our green metal table. “It’s our third lunch date in a week.”

“Oooh, you’re right. Does that mean we’re going steady?”

“Yep. I think I should be wearing your ring.”

I almost got nervous about having a committed lunch relationship, but then she produced the chocolate cookie she brought me and promised to decorate my locker with a banner for homecoming. And in the fine, Texas high school tradition, I will make Sarah a mum.

I just hope when I send her an IM tomorrow and say, “Lunch today?” she doesn’t reply, “I think I need my space.”

Because, that’d be a lot of wasted effort on the mum**.

**This is a homecoming mum. It's actually a girl wearing a mum, but you can't really see her under all the festivities. If you don't get it, what can I say? Neither do I.

text me

I love how a couple glasses of wine make me a silly blogger. Last night? Silly. But not untrue.

Being in the constant companionship of two 17 year-olds might add to the silly factor as well. It’s fun, of course, but I sort of need a conversation that does not include the words, kick-ass, awkward (it’s the word of the moment, it seems) or the phrase, “so and so is texting me.”

They text message constantly, kids these days. Does my phone even have that capability? I have no idea. But Joyce and Stina do it while walking down crowded sidewalks, without dropping conversation, and when my apartment lights go off, I can still see little glowing screens and hear little fingers tapping out Morse code from the AeroBed in the living room.

They’re on their own for the most part today, with goals of finding boys to make out with. I’m serious. I guess I never thought to make it an actual goal, but it does seem like a worthy one. I wished them the best of luck, left an apartment key, and told them to call when they woke up. If that happens before noon, I’ll be shocked.

So, it being about oh, 8:30, that gives you exactly 3.5 hours to leave me comments as to what I should suggest they do today. Please note, that you use the word museum, you’re automatically disqualified. They’re 17. With alternative hair color and piercings. They don’t really do museums. And, besides, you can’t text message in museums. They make you shut off your phones.

little it'ly

“Bella mia. For you? Free!”

I didn’t stop to see what the waiter was offering, but I was glad we’d taken time out of our day in Central Park to get gussied up before heading to Little Italy for dinner.

We’d spent all morning brunching and sunning on the Great Lawn before the car service whisked my mother away, off to the airport. The girls and I immediately headed back to the Park for a little sight seeing at our pace. I’d never seen Bethesda or well, anything on the West Side of the Park.

But the first order of business? Barefoot time on the lawn. Our feet were newly pedicured and just itchin’ for some grass contact. We smoked and walked our way from the Great Lawn to the beginning of the Park and back.

Love the little sister and her best friend, but now, I’m hankerin’ for some grown up time. And honestly, had the waiter in Little Italy not been such a guido, I may have ditched the girls to find out what exactly he had in mind. Okay, maybe not, because ultimately he probably meant gellato or tiramisu, not...well, other stuff.

Oh, and I don't know if it was the sitting up on the roof smoking butts and sharing stories of one night stands with Australian tourists, but I had a series of very risqué dreams dreams last night. Including, amusingly enough, one (tamer one) involving this guy.

All I'm sayin' is, it’ll be nice to have my apartment back.

le sigh

After traipsing around town with mom, sister and sister’s best friend, I’m feeling tired, frustrated and crowded.

In one fell swoop, they’ve quadrupled the normal occupancy of my small apartment, and quite unapologetically, taken it over. There is stuff everywhere. My bathroom looks like a college dorm bathroom, my living room like sleep away camp.

I’ve spent hours walking around this city, showing them the sights as someone once kindly did for me. But I don’t remember going back and putting my feet, complete with shoes, on that person’s couch.

Did I mention I’m frustrated? And crowded?

Because I totally am.

I miss my tidy world.

sometimes the night

In Grand Central Station just now, I exited my train to find a man had stumbled at the bottom of the stairs. On his knees, palms skinned from the concrete, he was clearly disoriented. A split second later, a police officer was gathering him up, righting the fallen man's suitcase to its wheels.

“I see you’ve had a bit of trouble, sir,” he said. “Let’s get you up.”
“I… I just…”

The man was mentally handicapped. Though nothing in his appearance suggested it, his speech gave away his disability. The officer took the man’s hand and checked his palms.

“That’s a heavy suitcase you got there,” the officer said. “Maybe I could give you a hand up the stairs?”

The line around the two men started moving more quickly, and I shouldered my own bag and moved on. But I was so profoundly touched by this unexpected tenderness that I felt wounded.

I still had tears in my eyes when I walked into my office.

It’s a variation on a theme, I suppose.

I cried last night, too.

Laying in the dark, consumed by silence, I threw the covers off. There in my t-shirt and bare legs, on the white expanse of my bed, I hoped that with nothing to camouflage me from the night, sleep would find me.

Tears ran into my hair and the feather pillow.

“You know, people don’t intend to be mean most of the time.” My mother had said earlier in the evening. “They’re just careless.”

“Which can be worse. Being mad is easier than being hurt.”

Later, full of Mexican food and forgiveness, I had walked her to the subway and gone home to sleep.

Sometimes the night can give you too much space to think. And sometimes, it closes in around you, wraps its fingers around your heart and squeezes. And as I lay there, surrounded by the white noise of my apartment, I fell prey to specific silence.

And when the night squeezed, I gave in and cried.

being mothered

She was waiting on the sidewalk in front of her Madison Avenue hotel.

We decided to go for a walk, and I rambled on, the nervous way I do with strangers. She asked questions. Tell me more, she said as I pointed out places I’d been.

I kept rubbing my eyes; they’d been bothering me for a day or two and it was late. I had wanted to show her The Plaza and walk for a bit down Fifth Avenue, but when we stepped into the hotel’s brightly lit lobby, she stopped and touched my face.

“Your eyes! Are you okay?”

“Mmm, yes. They’ve just been burning. I couldn’t wear any make-up today.”

“I have eye drops in my room.” Then she looked closer. “Oooh, honey, I think you have a broken blood capillary!”

“Nah, that’s sort of what amounts to an eye freckle. I’ve had it since college.”

“How dare you have something I don’t know about!”

We laughed, she squeezed my arm, and took me back to her hotel for eye drops.

Incidentally, my eyes are fine this morning.

luck of the draw

I don’t know about other pet owners, but in this heat, or what shall be known as The Great Shedding of 2004, my normally innocuous cat has become something of a royal pain in the ass. Sir Halitosis has left behind a residue of kitty fur on the kitchen tile (where he lays to keep cool) in such quantities that I am convinced we could be turning a tidy profit at the Hair Club for Men.

Only your groomer er…hairdresser will know the difference.

I was very well-behaved as far as last night’s open bar was concerned and spent a good part of the evening improving my Black Jack game. Between the I’ll Be Nice Because This Is for Charity dealer and my firm’s CEO, I was rollin’ in the black chips in no time. I had turned my $25 voucher into over ten thousand dollars. And the CEO? Well let’s just say it’s no secret that the man hits a Black Jack table and walks away with eighty THOUSAND dollars.

“I’m a numbers man,” he said. And then seeing my cards, shook his head. “Don’t chase the dealer. Let him be the one to go bust.”

Interesting, I thought and then watched the dealer’s cards add up to a pretty little 21.

“Hey! What about not chasing the dealer?”

“Well… it’s a good rule to follow. Most of the time.” He grinned, bought more chips and ordered another drink.

I laughed and slid all of my chips onto the table. The Dealer had heard me complain of sore feet and thus did not enforce the $1000 limit. The cards were dealt, and I lost $11,000 on one solitary hand of black jack.

“Oh thank god!” Relieved, I said goodnight to my table, collected my bag at the coat check and tottered to the subway.

Turns out, I am not a numbers gal, and gambling really hurts my feet.

be a lady

I got dressed for work this morning, like I was getting ready for a date.

I shaved my legs, set my hair in Velcro rollers (screw you, 76% humidity), even busted out the eye-liner – which I rarely even do for boys. But tonight, I’m flirting with purpose, so it’s time to bring out the big guns. Get out the business cards and the So What if You’re Old Enough to Be My Father attitude, because tonight, I’m headed here to do a little public relatin’.

Normally, the *ahem* … pleasure of attending schmoozy work-related events is something on par with the idea of tweezing my own leg hair.

Pluck!

But tonight it’s for children’s charity, which I dig. Admittedly, the open bar never hurts -- I could use a good drink or two. And a few winning hands at the Black Jack table. Luck be a lady!

So, tonight, I’ll wear eyeliner. And a shorter skirt. I’ll blow on dice and flirt with 55 year old men.

I mean, it’s for the sake of the children, and all.

***

Thanks, Josephine! I couldn’t be more thrilled!

those borrowed clothes

He knew whose clothes I was wearing, having pulled them out of the closet for me himself that morning.

He’d gotten up earlier and told me to “sleep a little longer” while he went for breakfast makings. I had smiled and mumbled “mmmm, breakfast,” but secretly, I suspected he was mostly going out to get cigarettes. For whatever reason, he thinks I mind, and apologizes when his breath tastes of Camel Lights.

I don’t mind.

I pulled on the boxers and the too-big gingham shirt, rolling the sleeves and buttoning just one button. Right in the middle.

He made breakfast. I drank coffee and read Rolling Stone. We spent the rest of the morning breakfasting, catching the end of a movie -- his favorite fight scene, puttering around the computer, posting on web logs. He came back from the shower, towel slung low. We kissed like we invented kissing. This is the way it goes from friends to lovers. A kiss. One button.

Afterwards, I napped in the red gingham shirt. No buttons.

“We’re lovers,” he’d said once when a friend asked how we were connected.

“Were.” I corrected him. By then, nearly an entire month had passed without any face time, and I’d been a little surprised, if not annoyed, at his presumption. “We were lovers.”

“Misplaced the apostrophe,” he’d said.

Within ten minutes, we’d found ourselves alone, grasping in the dark, updating our status.

Affairs are typically brief and conveniently uninvolved on any level other than the romantic one. Friendships are the opposite. And we? A juxtaposition of the two. Romantic, passionate, clandestine. Frank, interdependent, practical.

Sweaty. Entangled. Unstable. Complicated.

And not.

If we had business cards for relationships, then, I guess he and I would have to come up with titles. There are witnesses to the fact that he referred to me as his ‘girlfriend’ once. He'd said it in a proprietary sort of way, as though to mark his territory. Had he intended it differently, the term may have made me nervous. Time runs out for girlfriends faster than it does for lovers. Or affairs. Or friends. Or dirty little secrets.

Whichever applies.

This affair of ours requires no mood lighting or dimmer switches to conceal any physical imperfections. Nor for the moment does it require any excess light to clarify the more glaring, metaphysical ones.

Though, curtains might be nice for the neighbors’ sakes on some warm Saturday afternoons.

the little one said, 'i'm crowded'

It took me ten minutes just standing in the shower, staring at the tile, to shake off the dream I’d just woken up from.

Three bears in the bed and the little one said…

That song is playing over and over in my brain. Along with too many images. I haven’t entirely shaken the dream and probably won’t. I’m due at work soon, so I don’t have time to hash it out here. Maybe later. Besides it’s all sort of foggy mess of faces and feelings now.

J and I in a bed. And then I notice, perched above his shoulder, propped up on too many pillows, the blonde. The other woman. She’d been the final straw in real life (thank god), and in the dream…

Three bears in the bed …

It felt too real. Too current. I woke up feeling used and embarrassed. And worthless. “He’s an archetype,” I remind myself, in case he emails this morning and I feel the need to reopen old wounds. The girl, long gone. The only unchanging part of the dream is me.

Three bears…

nerves

I've been writing most of the afternoon. Though, in my ADD way, writing involves just as much wandering around, making phone calls, IMing with friends in Boston as it does actual novel-izing.

I even indulged and wrote a racy, scandalous blog entry that I put on ice. Save it for later, maybe.

Now I'm going to watch "Go," and also in my ADD way, it wil probably involve a lot of pausing and eating of hot and sour soup.

typing in borrowed clothes

I was warned about drinking vodka from a plastic bottle. And waking up at 7AM with a headache eating the left side of my brain (won't miss it. hate math), I was in strong agreement. If you're not going to drink enough to kill you, it's really a bad idea.

The marker on my knuckles wore off sometime in the night, and all that remains of Sarah B's tattoo work if the faded 'FISH' on my right hand.

It was a jam packed Friday night beginning with Sushi dinner, a documentary (with surprise Q&A session featuring the most dynamic individual imaginable) and wrapping up with Sarah and Ryan's birthday shennanigans.

Fine time was had by all. And too much plastic-bottled vodka had by this gal. Nothing that orange gatorade, advil and a bit more sleep couldn't cure, of course.

grace grumpy under fire

It's been a long, hard week. Did I make this week harder on myself? Possibly. But a girl's gotta lose her cool every now and again to remind the universe to be grateful for her more plentiful moments of cool composure.

Soon it was Friday and there was once again joy in the land.

All the peasants cheered.

peevish

Today was frustrating.

I tried to walk it off. That didn't work, so I went for a run. Did laundry. Yoga. Even had some strawberry frozen yogurt.

I'm still mighty peeved.

these things happen

The sun was dropping in the sky yesterday evening as we sat on a blanket on Central Park’s Great Lawn, sipping Riesling and snacking on Brie and bakery-fresh bread. We played some version of ‘catch’ with a tow-headed fifteen-month-old and exchanged book talk with his parents. Things seemed quite nearly perfect when I realized,

I’d left my apartment keys at the office!

It was past the hour when I could get in without the Super Secret Security Code (which I have avoided learning so they can't ask me to work on weekends). What made it even more precious was that my cell phone was already beeping, telling me that it was on its last breath.

Up went the blanket and we left the park, one headed West and the other to the East, booking it like a madwoman in squeaky pink flip flops. The Super works nights and his wife, Angela told me she was headed out at any moment. I willed my cell phone not to die in the off-chance I missed her and had call Ari to cry “Sanctuary!”

Four avenues later, I met Angela on her way out. I think she may have been a bit annoyed with me until she heard Sir Halitosis mewing at the door (he hears keys and automatically goes into pitiful songs of, I’m-so-all-alone-and-hungry). The charmer that Hal is, he melted whatever part of her heart needed melting.

“Here, honey. You keep these until tomorrow,” she said, handing over the spare set.

Crisis averted. Cat fed. Yoga… yogaed. And above all, lesson learned about putting my keys in stupid places. I mean, for now anyway.

I'll most likely be learnin' that again next week.

farewell to ronnie

I've been standing in our media library, eyes glued to the enormous flat-screen tv, immersed in the Reagan memorial.

Maybe because he was the first president I was really aware of, and before I was bitter about politics, I've always seen him as a good guy. A gentle man and a gentleman. Jelly beans and love letters to Nancy, the Ronald Reagan years seem like sort of a fabled, happier time when the wall was going to come down and we were optimistic.

I was ten, so that's probably got something to do with it, too.

Nonetheless, I had goosbumps watching his casket being carried into the Reagan Library. Being so very familiar with that building and with what the man meant personally to those I worked with at the Monkey Firm, I can't help but feel like it's my own loss. Even if it's just a tiny one.

By the way, enormous glasses aside, Nancy looked great.

thoughts on a monday morning

On Saturday night, a friend came in from Boston to buy me a drink. We sat in a dim, pub-like establishment talking about old times and current events. I had news. Like harboring a secret lover or concealing a hidden body piercing or interesting scar, a piece of good news only gets better when you share it with the right person.

I was glad that my visitor wasn’t surprised at my news, or how happy I seemed about life in general at present. It was just the affirmation I needed. I’d been feeling selfish about taking so much time to myself, focusing so much on me, but also feeling really in love with having my shit together.

“We have to do this again soon,” I said. “But I’m not coming to Boston.”
“No. Don’t. This place looks good on you.”

We embraced, and then I went home to compose an email to my dad I’d been avoiding, and hoped it would be received with the intent in which it was written. I wasn't sure that if, in setting some greatly-needed boundaries, I was opening up a new can of worms, or closing up old wounds.

Being a grown-up is bittersweet.

a word of thanks

Dear James & Julie,

You blow my mind with your coolness. Thank you.

Love,

H

broke

Thank god for telemarketers.

Or at least, thank god for the one that called this morning at 8:30 and woke me up from the This Fish Buys a Violin dream.

It was beautiful. The violin, I mean. There was a small roomful of people waiting for me to play it for them. As I put my fingers to the strings, and tucked it under my chin, it occurred to me that I had not budgeted for such a purchase. Realizing that my rent check had not yet cleared and that I could not afford the violin, I panicked.

I didn’t play a single note on the beautiful new instrument. Instead, I looked at my brother who was seated across the room and said, “I have to take it back! I don’t have any money!” I was embarrassed and worried.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’ll go with you.”

I ran to the next room, fired up my computer to check my finances on-line. As I suspected, the situation was desperate. I had to fix it.

Then the phone rang. And I didn’t have to fix anything. Phew!

I did, however, have to phone in my birth control prescription.

Now, I’m actually quite strapped for cash in reality until payday, due to doctors’ bills from The Pain that Would Never End. And until July, I am still sans health insurance. So when I asked the pharmacist what the cost would be out-of-pocket, I almost lost my mind. Impossible! It was ten bucks with insurance. Ten bucks!

Multiply that by…well, let’s just say several times…and that’s what I paid.

Birth control is not an optional expense. I mean, the emotional horrors of going off and back on it alone are enough to warrant the cash. So, I paid it. Then I went to the grocery store and bargain shopped my way into next week’s food.

And now, I’m officially broke. Scary broke. Can’t-buy-coffee broke. Have-to-ration-cat-food broke. Really, really, really, incredibly broke.

It's like being in college all over again.

when we talk nonsense

“Hey.” The voice at the other end did not sound like the girl with the migraine I’d been emailing with earlier.
“Hi, how are you feeling?”
“I would love to meet you on the corner and see what flavors they have at TCBY! Thanks for asking!”

I laughed. I do have the best ideas.

Five minutes later, I met my perky, much-improved neighbor in front of the Duane Reade. I was decked out in workout clothes, and we were headed for dessert. I appreciated the irony.

“This is some sort of Jerry Springer moment,” I said. “Here I am, walking down the street with my tummy poking out, eating. Unsightly.”

“Nah. Not trailer park enough for Jerry Springer. Maybe The View? Nah, they’re old and dowdy. Who’s young and hot? Craig Kilborn? Maybe you’re having a Craig Kilborn moment.”

“Not only have you missed my point entirely, you’ve confused me. Which is excellent.”

We talked nonsense all the way to the park, where we sat on a bench facing the river and dished, until the sounds coming from a few benches down became more interesting that our conversation.

“I thought at first someone was dying,” Ari said. “But I think it’s just really bad singing.”

We decided to investigate. Sure enough, it was singing. A disheveled blonde woman, reclining with her feet on one of the benches, was butchering a Sarah McLachlan song. “I’ve fallen, I have sunk so low…” completely oblivious to gawking passers-by.

“What do you think?” I asked. “Drunk? High? Just plain crazy?”
“Crazy.”
“Mmm. I agree. Wonder what did it.”
“She’s probably dating.”

I laughed one of those deep-from-the-belly laughs. Because it was probably true.

the way we deal

It’s no secret that I can be what you might call… highly excitable. Prone to exaggeration. Dramatic.

An annoying breakout, and I’m suddenly suffering from leprosy and sending my girlfriends invitations to visit me at the leper colony on whichever Hawaiian island it was that served such a purpose back in the day. Molokai?

Last week, a canker sore was most certainly syphilis.

“It hurts! I am going to die in exile on Elba like Napoleon in syphillic lunacy. I just know it.”

Krissa was not so sure. “You are SO much prettier than Napoleon. And, I think, taller. I don’t think you’ll die in syphillic lunacy on Elba.”

“I hope not. Unless they have wireless internet. And then it wouldn’t be so bad.”

“I bet they do. And This Syphillic Fish does have a ring to it…”

So, my point is, it’s pretty much in character for me to make a big to-do over something not so big. But my sister? She does almost exactly the opposite. Her shtick is downplay.

Once upon a time, my sister moved to the Middle of Nowhere Arkansas, lived in a barn and became an elephant trainer to rehabilitate pachyderms that had been mistreated by their previous captors. Those animals couldn’t go back to the wild, for obvious reasons, and they were either physically sick or just genuinely pissed off. Fast forward to a couple days ago, in not so Middle of Nowhere California where she’s continuing this effort and… one of her elephants loses her shit and gores her coworker.

“I had a little bit of a bad day at work,” the email began. “Patrick got a tusk through the stomach today…”

You can read the rest on the AP Wire.

There are a few people with whom I share one of those ET/Elliot connections. The glowing finger, the drunken kiss in a classroom full of frogs. That sorta thing. My sister is one of those people. And I am pretty sure she needs more than just a little sleep. This, “Hey, I saw one of my really good friends get run through right in front of me today, so I’m gonna take a nap” is code for, “Do I have to go back to work? Ever?”

I’m betting she feels responsible. I’m betting she’s scared and just a wee bit fucked up.

I’d so much rather have leprosy or syphilis than have to deal with her version of a bad day at work.

spectrum

I have a stunning inability to buy a toothbrush that will fit in the ceramic holder in my bathroom.

(Not that it has anything to do with anything. It’s just hella annoying. I also lose my keys at least twice a day. That’s annoying too, but I am quite accustomed to it. It only irritates other people now.)

I switched out Sheryl Crow this morning for disc one of Aretha’s Thirty Greatest. Somewhere between Second and Third Avenues, a big ole smile crossed my face. A bar called Siberia. The coldest night of the year. I wore a black leather jacket, belted R-E-S-P-E-C-T with Brian, and then we disco-twirled.

Later, somewhere underground between 59th Street and Grand Central Station, another song, and another feeling entirely. That Aretha… who knew she could get a girl all hot n’ bothered? Seriously, some of those songs are just anthems for a good romp in the hay.

I sobered up fairly quickly, though, just now when I got to work and read an email from my sister. You know, one of those emails you read twice, the second time with your hand over your mouth, thinking, “Oh. My. God.”

What time is it in San Francisco? 6 AM? I’m waiting to call. The email specifically said she really needed some sleep.

My tummy feels funny.

just your average morning

“There is just too much of you to love,” I told myself this morning, standing in front of the mirror, poking at the pudge around my middle. It was still early enough, so I re-hung my bath towel, pulled on a pair of yoga pants and grabbed my kicks from the hall closet.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” I told Sir Halitosis. “And stay out of the bath tub.” His Excellency responded with a quick pounce and then retreated to his stronghold in the living room. Fort Halitosis, otherwise known as duvet cover draped across a wooden drying rack, would be torn down as soon as I got back. The white cotton cover was dry and the sneak attacks were getting a little too aggressive.

I slipped the gate key into my sock and went for a run. Okay, a jog. Maybe more of a lope. But semantics aside, I went for some sort of heart-rate raising activity along the East River in this morning’s drizzle.

Funny how a nice run will drive home how much you really do prefer yoga.

I cut my run a bit short, and solemnly swore to pull out the yoga mat after work. I confessed that I wasn’t quite as bendy as I used to be and I hadn’t seen my triceps in a little while, so yoga it would be.

Forty minutes later, I climbed the stairs back to my apartment to find Hal asleep on my bed, his still-too-long limbs wrapped around three foil balls I’d made for him the day before. “Dude, you’re so damn cute,” I said. I smothered his little black head with kisses, ditched my damp running clothes and headed for the bathroom.

I ate breakfast in the shower. I do this a lot. Weird as it may be, it saves time. The conditioner has to sit for a good minute, and if I don’t feel like shaving my legs, it’s the perfect time to get in some yogurt. As a sort of side note: I eat a lot of yogurt. Two, sometimes three a day. I figure I’m doing my part to fight Osteoporosis. And Charlie Horses. And, well, other not-so-pleasant things that live active cultures are supposed to combat.

I brushed my teeth in the shower, too. I read somewhere that Toni Braxton admitted to doing it, so maybe that’s less weird than the yogurt bit. The teeth-brushing thing wasn’t so much about saving time today, as it was the fact that my shower keeps some damn fine water pressure and I wasn’t quite ready to separate myself.

I did eventually, though, and got ready for the day. I dragged myself to work, spending the whole subway ride thinking, “You’ve really got to come up with something to write about, you lazy girl.”

But what? Nothing exciting was going on.

It was just your average morning.