We were in the kitchen and she was asking me to do something that she was completely capable of doing herself, knowing that I had to be somewhere. I was aggrivated but I did it. Then later on when I got back, after she had been sitting around on the couch ALL day she proclaims that she needs something from the store in this annoyingly whiney voice.

I feel this familiar boiling anger, but push it down and say mildly “Mom you’ve been home all day with a car, why couldn’t you just go to the store and get it.” Then she sucks her teeth and says in one of her usual phrases in a mom-guilt tone “(huff) I would NEVER say that to MY Mom. If MY Mom wanted something I would get it for her, it didn’t matter if I didn’t want to do it!!!” 1/2 second of silence “You know what fine, I won’t ask you to do ANYTHING else…” So I reply “I’m not saying not to ask me to do things. What I’m saying is we all have busy lives and if we can do things for ourselves as much as possible then others wouldn’t mind helping us out when needed.” She started laying more guilt on me and then I went TOTALLY spastic. I told my Mom EVERY SINGLE HORRIBLE THING I’d ever said or thought about her. I mean EVERYTHING. It felt like such a relief.

But when I woke up I felt so very sick to my stomach. I felt downright depressed and thanked God it was only a dream even though all that horrible stuff is true. I had to stop myself from apologizing to her when I spoke to her today.

You’re trapped/locked in your decision to choose “motherhood.” I think that can be a scary thing and can certainly induce fears of being tied down.

Basically, saying “YES” to motherhood closes the door to him and traps you alone (for now).

(Of course, this is coming from someone who knows only your blog persona and that’s where I get my clues… for all I know, you went to a little coffee shop that sold sandwiches in wax paper the other day while you were babysitting your nephew and thus: the dream of a cramped starbucks with children;)

My initial gut was this:

Bad man = Your ex who was wonderful, but didn’t want children

Boy = The children you couldn’t have with him, therefore the ones you are “saving.”

He left the sandwiches because he’s not ENTIRELY bad (like your ex), he’s somewhat concerned for the children, he just wants to be rid of them as well… it humanizes him in a way.

The fact that the door was locked probably represents the difficulty you found in trying to leave him to save the children ie: to save yourself and to one day to become a mother…

The sandwich which was handed to you, was essentially a peace offering from your EX, a representation that he wasn’t “all bad,” and that you could find sustenance from him, you could survive with him, but that slamming door and the fear in induced illustrated what was most important to you… motherhood.

(But hell… what do I know?!)!