H: I know as much as you think you mean that (that no one can replace what I mean to you), it's just not true. As much as we mean to each other and as good as it all is, it's not permanent.
J: Gee, thanks.
H: What do you mean?
J: It's disturbing to think that you hold our friendship in such delicate regard.
H: I can't even explain what I'm thinking, so we might as well drop this for now.
J: Hey, you okay?
H: Not really.
J:.......
Wandered home from work sometime around three yesterday with ultra-depressing music on headphones and made bee-line for hot bath. (Fortunately, boss is out until Wednesday, so actually had free time to go into Don't-Speak-to-Me mode. Is not often that am allowed the necessary time it takes to have a complete breakdown.)
While fingers started to resemble dried fruit, soaked in v. hot water, waiting to hear the voice. The one that, usually accompanied by strange sense of calm, ultimately comes to say, "It's gonna be okay, Kiddo." Heard no such voice and finally got tired of waiting. Fuck you, Inner Goddess. Took a Xanax and crawled under the covers.
Fourteen hours later, crawled back out and started all over again. Am still waiting. Have heard from neither J nor Inner Goddess in over twenty-four hours.
J is in training and IG? Missing in action.
Hello?
(silence)
Listen, you can come pester me now. I'm asking you to.
(silence)
You can tell me you were right! I'll believe you! You can tell me I'm a fucking idiot! You can tell me anything! Just tell me... something.
(silence)
Please?
hello everyone, this is petit hiboux, sitting in for inner goddess, who has a nasty cold today:
fishie, it's gonna be okay. and even if it isn't, there's solace in a healthy combination of good friends, long cries, songs like cake's version of 'i will survive', knee-high black boots and the attention they command - and of course, liquor.
Posted by: k at February 25, 2003 10:49 AMYes... ALL those things. Fishie... I love you. I suspect IG knows she isn't tactful enough in these situations...
*kisses kisses*
Posted by: Ari at February 25, 2003 11:34 AMi suggest playing cake's let me go - very, very loudly.
combined with shots of something very strong.
mixed in with the notion of fish or cut bait.
Posted by: michelle at February 25, 2003 12:42 PMTesting.
Posted by: Frankenstein at February 25, 2003 01:57 PMIts so sad yet almost comical how all of us lovely blogger ladies are falling into (relationship) tragedy at the same time (you, me, perhaps Sarah B., perhaps Ismat - they sound like they're having hard times anyway).
Its like the internet version of women cycling together. The pull of the internet moon is fucking with us, is all.
Glad to know we're all sad together, at least. There's some comfort in the commiseration.
Posted by: Cati at February 25, 2003 03:11 PMI'm surprised it took J this long to cut you off. You're clearly a loon.
Posted by: Joe Suny at February 25, 2003 04:21 PMhang in there fishie! :-)
Oh Joe... I'd tell you you're an asshole... but chances are you have spent a goood portion of your life hearing that. Maybe simply {and for the sake of variety}...
COCKSUCKER
Will suffice.
Posted by: Ari at February 25, 2003 04:39 PMI consistently resist commenting on your blog since it is an advice free zone and I want to respect that and I will continue to do so. I can say I have been where you are and have survived to tell the story. Wishing you strength.
Posted by: Margot at February 25, 2003 05:18 PMari, as a self-respecting male i demand an apology for the ugly vocabulary on our behalf as well. joe, you won't be getting an apology but don't fret, this is a pretty tight knit group over here and they can get awfully defensive of their little fish. i know, it's happened to me too.
Posted by: hubs at February 25, 2003 07:00 PMhey fish, you know this will pass - you don't need IG to tell you that. After all, he wasn't what you wanted really, was he? And we *all* know he wasn't anywhere near good enough for you. :-)
Posted by: Lisa at February 26, 2003 03:24 AMfuck you joe.
fuck you hubs.
cheers ari!!
i loves you fish! that which doesnt kill us...
Posted by: chevy at February 26, 2003 09:36 AM... only makes us drink more.
Posted by: Fish at February 26, 2003 09:38 AMHeh.
Yeah, Hubs/Joe, YOU KNOW WOMEN, always being all defensive and SENSITIVE, always demanding RESPECT and that kind of thing. Like they should deserve such a thing. That's crazy talk. God forbid the women on this forum take offense at verbal abuse. Jeez, what a band of BALL BUSTING, MAN HATING, RAGING UGLY FEMINISTS they must be, huh?
Posted by: Cati at February 26, 2003 10:53 AMwhoa! see this is exactly what i'm talking about.
we all knew ari was being funny calling J a cocksucker and then apologizing to the ladies. i was trying to be funny in demanding an apology for the men too. this is what is sarcasm. (see catis post for an excellent example) nobody can really demand an apology can they? who does that?
as for joe. i don't know him or even agree with him for that matter. but i do know from commenting on this site since around august that by saying what he did he was going to get attacked, and rather harshly at that. i was berated on this site in late august for saying fish was dumb for staying with J when she didn't want to hear it. it was a great argument. chevy, we even took it off site and posted comments on each others site and had fun doing it. (the link to the comment you left can be found here http://www.enetation.co.uk/acomments.php?user=Hub&commentid=80621681&usersite=#35 ) ari and i also had fun bantering about it too.
anyways, glad you guys are good pals and all. fish should have been with J from the beginning if you ask me. and being called a loon is not nearly as verbally abusive as being called an asshole, a cocksucker, and being told to fuck off. But none the less i really enjoy the commentary on this board and fish writes one of the best blogs out there.
in the words of cati "hey, just got your comment on my site... i have no hard feelings.. i love an argument.. "
Posted by: hubs at February 26, 2003 02:20 PMLoon?
Words cannot express how dense you must be to not see the extroverted inner dialogue of this site as 100% sane and 100% real. I'd imagine, Joe, that you are one of those fellows who'd sooner cut off his arm than discuss his relationship with a woman. Why? Becuase you'll want to admit to yourself (let alone out loud) that you struggle with exaclty the same issues that H. struggles with here. You'll never confess to loving someone who can't see how great you are and is toying with your heart. You'll never divuldge that it saddens you when breakups happen or elates you when matchups happen or that a first kiss is the most special event that can happen in anyone's life.
God forbid you should ever hook up with a woman who requires you to examine your feelings.
If anyone is a loon, my friend, check the mirror.
Posted by: Ric at February 27, 2003 12:58 PMEr, that should be "you'll never want to admit.."
Posted by: Ric at February 27, 2003 12:59 PM