This Fish Needs A Bicycle

unravelling

Have spent 20 something years without J in my life. Why is it that facing even the next couple of months without him seems so... daunting?

Made it a ritual of sorts to search for his smell on the bed after he'd gone. J always smelled nearly edible - the cologne he'd wear, clearly knowing how edible it made him. He stopped smelling of it a month or ago and I took it as the first sign of the unravelling of us. It's not so dramatic as all that. Disappointing, sure. Perhaps if it were more dramatic, more difinitive, then could move on. But am instead, still waiting... with someone else on the line. C is bright, funny, thoughtful, dependable. Broody, perhaps? Maybe too serious. Have a hard enough time being too serious myself. But in all other respects, a better match, on paper. Love J for his irresponsibility. And hate it, too.