Am going to have evening without bicycle tonight, have decided. Not that is extremely difficult to do so. Will simply turn off cell phone. Ok. No, will not. But will at least put it in the other room. Wine, hot bath, pedicure and silly girl movie should do the trick. Must seem like my life is completely unstable. In family department, is probably v. close to true. But, must say, do have wonderfully lovely friends, and though J can be quite a complication, he is probably one of the best-intentioned people. Always willing to lend aid. And THC enhanced support. God love 'im.
Have decided to ask J if we are going to permanently settle into "just friends" pattern so as to free myself to fuck up more potentially beneficial relationships because of irrational devotion to him. Would wait a hundred years if knew that's what he wanted. So pathetic. Am aware of this. But am also quite aware that there is no one else like him out there. Have looked. Been trying to replace him for a very long time. Would be more successful at it, if that was actually what I wanted. Alas.
Ultra gay, v. wonderful friend M said once, "H. if I liked girls, I'd be in love with you." Proving, once again, that any man with taste is, indeed, gay.