J came by last night. Wanted to know if sick fish needed anything. Could he feed Reluctant Kitten for me while was away? Do I feel alright? Is hard enough to remain unaffected by J -- every look, touch, every word that could have at least thirteen thousand meanings -- so, uncharactersitic moment of nonself-involvement was v. v. tricky. Am fairly certain that was able to deflect each offer with substantial amount of grace. Or was it frigidity? Being sick is v. v. undignified to begin with, but was also ill-prepared to defend self against this caring version of J.
Must build up good, strong J callous. Figure will be like breaking in new pair of shoes (since am gluttonous consumer, do this v. often). Will initially be painful and each encounter with this new, reformed J is going to cause few blisters, am sure. But eventually, will build up thicker skin... immunity to J.
J callous.
If were new boots, would simply wear second pair of socks, or preventative band aid. Am finding, however, that are no preventative bandaids for exposed hearts. Am counting on callous to form quite quickly. Is the only way will make it through this: good, strong J callous.