Perhaps am neurotic. Perhaps? Ha! And perhaps am a game player, as some think, with regards to J. But do not think so. Feel somewhat lost over how can possibly explain such bizarre Best-Good Friendship even to those who see it in day-to-day reality. Gal Pal who am certain loves me dearly, does not support said Best-Good Friendship. And has been to her frustration (and that of many, many others), that have not heeded advice of many to simply give J up.
Is fuckwit, they say.
Yes. Agree is fuckwit.
You're torturing yourself... letting him do this to you.
Perhaps so.
But in spilling currently overly-nostalgic fishy guts to WLE, was reminded of following scene from once v. beloved book. V. wealthy (and grumpy) landowner to his governess:
I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you- especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you,- you'd forget me.
Feel v. much that connection with J is physical. No, J and yours truly are not in love. But even removing all lusty factors, is love, in simplest and best form. Yes, do realize that J is not mine and that indeed, must move on. (Would love nothing more. Often finding v. comfy, good karma bed far too wide for lone fish.) Am simply worried that string will snap before am ready to be forgotten. Best can hope for is that string will simply dissolve for me, as it clearly already has for J.