October 26, 2002

life in the breakdown lane

Oh God. What have I done?

Spent evening in v. crowded bar, being pinball bounced off Js friends and coworkers, downing pretty-colored cocktails and flirting with nice smelling boys. J was perfect, making introductions, even being v. affectionate. Was as close to perfection as could have asked for. As was v. drunk, J took my hand and somehow, though don't remember getting there, ended up in a cab and back where J had parked his car. Was laughing and enjoying v. on-top-of-world drunk feeling when somehow ended up on receiving end of J kiss. Had missed that so much that didn't let self think about how horrible of a mistake it was. Until,

J: What are you thinking?
H: Two things.
J: (laughing between kisses) What two things?
H: That I've missed kissing you. And,
J: And?
H: And that I don't want to be your Fucking Accident.
J: Ouch.

And that ended that. J sat back and suddenly looked v. serious. Didn't feel it yet, but on-top-of-world drunk feeling was slipping into panicky must-get-out-of-car-and-breathe feeling. What goes up, must come down. Yours truly is no exception, clearly.

J: I love you.
H: I know you do.
J: I am so sorry that I don't love you.
H: I know that, too. (starting to cry)
J: Please don't cry. I've never seen you cry...
H: I'm drunk. I can't help it. Just please don't feel bad. This isn't your fault. And please don't say you're sorry for not wanting me. I don't want you to feel sorry for me.
J: I don't. I swear. I know I'll probably never find anyone who loves me as much as you do.

By this time, was not only crying, was sobbing and had to get out of car and lean against chain-link fence. Is all v. fuzzy, but do think there were other people out on sidewalk across street. Am hoping never to run into them. Ever. Also do not remember all of what was said, except parts here and there, begging J not to feel sorry.

H: I'm so embarrassed... (wiping face with mittens)
J: Don't be! This is the most real we've ever been. I am so sorry.
H: But I chose this. Back when we just kind of dissolved... I chose to keep you as a friend instead of giving you up altogether. I tried to be the friend that you needed. I really only ever wanted you to be happy.
J: (looking as though had kicked him in the balls) I love you.
H: I know. But this is not going to end well. It can't.

Do not remember much more after that, except know v. well that told J everything that had ever thought. May as well have given him this entire site to read. Don't remember getting home except for J helping to take off my boots and making me promise to call him. Spent next few hours throwing up not-so-pretty cocktails and woke with massive hangover. Spent afternoon recovering with soda and toast, and periodic bursts of crying. Needed to call someone, but then realized that did not have anyone to call. Cried some more. Never did call J. Am consumed with enormous hopeless feeling that am not quite certain what to do with. Am afraid that must give J up altogether. Will only be more of the same if do not. But feel dark, empty hole when think about not seeing him. Is most miserable situation without satisfactory solution. Roommate says is most healthy thing that has happened between self and J. Don't feel healthy though. Feel lost. And alone. And v. v. tired.

Posted by This Fish at October 26, 2002 10:53 PM
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