Was basking in glow of having been told that was finally receiving hard-earned promotion from Circus Monkey to Circus Clown, when cell phone rang.
It was J.
Am not certain that can adequately find words for massive surge of varying emotions that came and went during nearly one-hour phone call. But do know that felt quite scattered afterward.
J: I've wanted to call for a long time, but didn't know if it would have been okay.
H: It wouldn't have been.
J: I just haven't talked to you in so long. You were one of my best friends and you just went away.
H: I know... it's been months. Three, I guess.
J: I want to say this, but I have to think about it first so I don't sound like a moron.
H: I'm used to your brand of Moron, so just say it.
J: Ha! Thanks, I think...
H: You're welcome.
J: Anyway, I just want you to know that, even though I know it had to feel that way, I wasn't with you until I found something... better. That sounds so awful, but I mean, I don't want you to think you weren't good enough.
H: Well, you're right. That's how it looked. But we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. And that it wasn't going to turn out well. But what you know and how you feel aren't always the same.
J: I know. All those long drives in quiet, trying to sort things out in my head...
H: Yeah, well...
J: Listen, if you ever want to, you know I'm always around and my phone's always with me.
The chit-chat and banter made it seem as though no time had passed, but the feeling that our lives have gone on quite normally without one another was unsettling.
J: Yeah, you are totally right. It will never be the same, and I don't know what will come of it from now on, but I think we should stay in touch. That is if you want to...
Oh, the question that have asked myself over and over. On one hand, there is so much to miss about what J and yours truly had together. But am inclined to think that should be looking to form that with someone else, rather than rekindle it with J.
Don't know. Just don't know.
Posted by This Fish at May 22, 2003 11:25 AMDo you think that kid from The Sixth Sense would say, "I see dead relationships"?
Posted by: Texas T-bone at May 22, 2003 11:30 AM"i'm sorry, that wasn't fair"
"no. i know. none of this is fair"
"i'm sorry"
"i know. so am i."
"maybe we should just say goodbye now then."
"yeah maybe we should"
"goodbye. i'm sorry"
"goodbye."
We always love to see the heroine being brave.
_____ being brave. It's not the unrequited who are responsible for making the other feel better.
Why do people always assume it's better for you to rise above conflict?
I prefer to punch a punching bag, run three extra miles, and make the woman eat her heart out the next time I see her.
There are way too many women out there. I have no time or energy for fuckwits.
Posted by: Jim at May 22, 2003 12:28 PMahem, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FREAKING PROMOTION.
and apologies for the hollering, just dancing on top of the truly good news.
Posted by: helenjane at May 22, 2003 01:20 PMEmpathy pains and much love for you, sister.
Stay strong!
xoxo
Take it from the girl that spent 9 years in a J type relationship. Move on and don't look back. No matter how much I knew that we were just friends, my heart loved him and still does in a way that he doesn't and never will love me.
Posted by: girlie at May 22, 2003 02:42 PMThe line in your next to last paragraph kind of sums it up. When you say you don't know...you really DO know, right?
My own personal J haunted me for almost 2 years and materialized back in my life a few months ago wanting to 'reconnect'. And what I realized was...the illusion of all our happy times together was a result of an over active imagination..mine. He turned out to be just a dorky dude, and it just hit me and I had one of those epiphanies. Well, I guess it really hit me when I discovered him on match.com a few weeks ago. And he spelled 'chic' as 'sheek' . Not only dorky, but dumb as a stone.
rock on Fish.
Posted by: micro at May 22, 2003 03:01 PMYou go into some things knowing that they will leave scars. J was one of them and you knew that, as your archives clearly show.
Congrats on the promotion! Have you gone into the Big Boss's office and done the F*** You Dance on his head yet?? As you know, that's an excellent career booster. :-)
Posted by: Lex at May 22, 2003 03:21 PMCongratulations on your promo!! woo woo! Now who's becoming the Big Fish in the pond?
;-)
it's nice that he called, but you're probably right about it being best to form strong kinship with another.
Posted by: vg at May 22, 2003 04:19 PMthat's a toughy. i often wonder what i would say if my J. called up. but we just spent so much of our time together hurting each other, that to go back would be...masochistic at best. you know yourself better than all of us. and you have support no matter what!
Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at May 22, 2003 04:42 PMso now you're a CLOWN fish, eh? hooray. :)
..as for the J situation, I'm in the same kind of situation myself, but am really lost, as it is the first situation of this kind I have been in, as it was the first "serious" relationship I was in. (Hah, high school.. "serious relationships" haha.) But I'll have to agree, 'tis quite a predicament.. wanting that love, but not necessarily from the same person.
Posted by: tab at May 22, 2003 10:29 PM"J: I just haven't talked to you in so long. You were one of my best friends and you just went away."
H: You were one of my best lovers (who kept saying I was one of the best people he'd ever met, knew, respected, loved, slept with - and thought of as beautiful) and you just went away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do I have except my intuition? He's calling because he wants something. Keep him wanting, Fish. Keep yourself in a position to receive. Make him work a little. Not because it's a game, but because you're worth that. He's a mess and it's nothing to do with you. I betcha he's laid this shit on other women, too. The ones he loves the most are the scariest, probably. Well fuck that neurotic crap. 's time J-boy grew up a little.
Was that advice and judgement? Sorry, couldn't help it. :)
Girl, pop a few on my tab, to celebrate promotion. Richly deserved. She is Clown, hear her Rawr.
J: I've wanted to call for a long time, but didn't know if it would have been okay.
H: It wouldn't have been.
Yay!!! perfect start there for H. Then J digs a hole, jumps in and *keeps digging*
J: I just haven't talked to you in so long. You were one of my best friends and you just went away.
Surely we missed something... ? H 'went away'? Surely it's more a case of 'J was never there in the first place'?
Oh, i could comment at length on every one of his ridiculous comments that H excerpted. It smacks very badly of emotional manipulation (or attempt thereon). But hey, life's too short.
Certainly it's too short to waste on an emotionally-juvenile fucktard like him.
Sorry H, i appreciate the 'special place' thing, but really ....
Booty call?
I don't trust him.
Congrats on the Clown Fish job. Just in time for a trendy Disney tie-in too. (Heck, you can buy stuffed clownfish everywhere now.)
Posted by: Postwood at May 23, 2003 09:55 AMThis is quite a dilemma and I didn't know that "dilemma" was spelled with two Ms until this year. (That was a bit of Dave Barry-ness, in case you didn't recognize it.)
There was a girl I was really in love with but couldn't keep. When she found another, he didn't want her to talk to me (and since she had broken up with him once for talking to his ex, it was only fair) so we stopped talking. I still miss all the great things about her (it's been six years, way to move on!) but I can't imagine how torn up I would be (or have been) had I continued to stay in touch with her.
Posted by: Michael at May 23, 2003 12:27 PMI just had a very similar thing happen....and let me tell you...I wish I hadn't have answered the call. For me, the call was in person and in public, but the results are the same. Heartbreak. And lots of it.
Posted by: Sweet Jezebel at May 23, 2003 06:29 PMCongrats on the promotion!
Posted by: Bob at May 24, 2003 02:26 PMmany congrats on the promotion. you da fish!
Posted by: Lisa at May 25, 2003 12:05 PM