Dear Dad,
I got a call from home a few minutes ago. They found your note. The one you wrote before you drove to the airport and disappeared. She was crying, when she called. I know that you think teenage girls cry about everything -- angry, petty fights, break-ups, fits of frustration over the unfairness of life -- after four daughters, you've heard it all. But, do you know what it sounds like when one of them cries over a suicide note? Your suicide note? No, you don't. Because you're not there to hear it.
Because you're a coward.
I have felt sorry for you my whole life. After the mysticism of the Daddy-Knows-Best years faded, you did, too. Faded, I mean. I started to see you as somehow broken. Short changed. Weaker. Weaker than me. Your child. Why did I feel like that? Because you had me believing that for some reason, your problems were more special than everyone else's. Your life was harder. You got the raw end of the deal. You felt put-upon by your father, cheated by God and misled by religion. You've never had the job you wanted. Your wife doesn't love you anymore. Your life is hard.
Because life is hard. All life. Yours. Mine. The people who hurt us. You think anyone gets off easy?
I used to think I was good with words but I'm so angry and frustrated with you that the only thing that comes to my mind right now is get over it and get on with it, Dad.
You know what? Maybe you were right when you wrote that note. Maybe you should never have come home from Vietnam. Because from where I sit now, I'm pretty sure that was the last time you did anything brave.
I love you so much it's painful,
H
PS If you go through with this, you don't have to worry about God cheating your children. You've pretty much covered that for Him.
Posted by This Fish at August 13, 2003 08:08 AMI'm so sorry to hear about this.
This is the act of someone who has lost the ability to see beyond his own nose.
Your anger, frustration, fear, pain and love are natural responses. I pray your Dad will get a grip, get help, and pull himself out of the abyss.
Posted by: Pascale Soleil at August 13, 2003 12:15 AMMy condolences.
I have thought about writing notes like that, but I have no children (nor am I married) and I have gradually been able to see how many people would be affected and hurt and it brings me back.
One of the things I've been learning recently is how many people have truly MISERABLE existences, and that there are a lot of them. We don't see them on TV or read about them in US Weekly, so we forget they are even there. But they are the 90% of the world and all the glam and glitz are less than 1%. The other 9% aren't living in a dream world, but they're doing ok.
When you're self-centered, it's hard to bring the focus outside. It's hard to realize that other people care. It's hard to remember that tons of people are unhappy and yet going on living day after day after day. That said, there's no excuse for what your father has threatened or announced. My greatest hope is that in life I turn out more like you and less like him.
Posted by: Michael at August 13, 2003 12:52 AMSorry, Fish.
Posted by: Ivy (ex-Aberdeen) at August 13, 2003 05:20 AMGod Bless... you and your family are in my prayers.
Posted by: Dana at August 13, 2003 09:03 AMI'm sorry, Fish. Roomie J and I will be keeping you and your family in our thoughts & prayers.
Posted by: windowsill wendy at August 13, 2003 09:18 AMDear, dear Fish...I'm so very sorry to hear this. I hope and pray that everything will turn out alright in the end.
Posted by: keol at August 13, 2003 10:21 AMDear fish, I am so sorry! You and your family are in my thoughts.
Posted by: dana at August 13, 2003 10:33 AMmy god. speechless. love to you.
Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at August 13, 2003 10:44 AMChills ran up my back while I read this. Wow. Gosh my lil' Fish. Gosh. I love u.
Posted by: Joe CuttheShit at August 13, 2003 11:42 AMVery sorry to hear this, Fish. You are in all of our thoughts.
Posted by: Sara at August 13, 2003 11:49 AMI can relate to loving your parents and feeling sorry for them for the bad things they have gone through, idolizing them even for making it through them, thinking of them as strong-and then seeing that they are simply, imperfectly, undeniably human with very real weaknesses that they let run and "ruin" their lives. I know the pain of feeling stronger, wiser and more "with it" than those you love, those who seem to lie down for life with no survival instincts kicking in to help them make better choices.
I am so sorry for the pain you must feel at your dad for making such a selfish choice. I pray for strength and comfort for you and your family. I know that there is nothing I, a complete stranger, can say to make it better. But please know that you are not alone in the ways of caring about parents who are only comfortable being "broken"- there are a lot of us out there who live with it daily, just like you, and you are doing a good job.
Posted by: adrienne at August 13, 2003 01:38 PMSo sorry to hear that.
Posted by: Texas T-bone at August 13, 2003 02:35 PM>
Posted by: Ari at August 13, 2003 02:40 PMI love you sweetie.
Posted by: Ari at August 13, 2003 02:40 PMI'm so sorry to hear about this, Fish. My heart goes out to you...
*HUGS*
Posted by: glovefox at August 13, 2003 02:54 PMThinking of you, dear heart.
Posted by: Sarah B. at August 13, 2003 03:25 PMthat's about the most heartrending thing I've read in a long time.
Wishing you well
A
Very sad to read. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: Lana at August 13, 2003 05:20 PMParents! Can't live with them or without 'em. I really hope this ending's a happy, if dysfunctional one and that your dad lives to have you kick his butt, because he seriously needs some butt kicking for writing such a note. All being cynical aside - (am a tad jaded as my dad implied he might off himself if I ever asked questions about the past, thus ending our contact) - I hope you aren't going to ever blame yourselves for your parents weaknesses and dastardly behaviour, fish. They are older and they should be wiser. It's scary for the kids when they are not. You can love him and be angry and disappointed at the same time, I've learned that much. Hugs!
Posted by: Katherine at August 13, 2003 06:48 PMSo, so very sorry, Fish...
Posted by: Bob at August 13, 2003 09:39 PMProfound.
For those of us whose fathers were/are weak, it strikes such a chord.
so sorry to hear this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: mooncake at August 13, 2003 11:59 PMI wish I knew how to say something that would make things better for you.
Here's hoping that it works out for the best.
Posted by: Gopi at August 14, 2003 12:30 AMTime to get drunk! And maybe you'll get a late birthday present.
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at August 14, 2003 04:30 AMI think that you should just go hook up with B.
Posted by: Hansel at August 14, 2003 11:57 AMtime to get drunk indeed fish. am getting v. large bottle of whiskey for my birthday and shall have quite the time at birthday bash. must infact drown sorrows, not deal with them in healthy ways. i love you oh-so-very much. i'll give you a call in a few hours.
Try to be strong. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. *Hugs*
Posted by: LadyCrumpet at August 14, 2003 01:25 PMOh Fish - my heart goes out to you....
Posted by: snarky at August 14, 2003 02:55 PMFish,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and have been for your whole life. You seem so lucid, about it, so resolved to let the clarity shione through. Please stay resiliant, keep your humor and trudge on yourself.
A fan, and loyal reader.
no words to express what i should say right now.
sorry for your pain. if u want, u can have my pain instead?
a faithful reader.
Posted by: niurope at August 14, 2003 06:36 PMThoughts of comfort and strength going out to you fish.
Posted by: browniethoughts at August 15, 2003 01:44 AM