Have felt this coming on. Like the way old folks sense an oncoming storm, or two-for-one sales on Ivory soap at Safeway.
Have also felt like this before. Worn out. A bit unfixable. Defeated. Four hours ago, was set to make brave attempt at holding defeat at bay. Make a list of goals. Dive in. Throw whole self into reasons for being. Live deliberately.
Then, made mistake of checking work email. The only unread message was from the highest of Higher-Ups expressing disappointment in yours truly for failing to meet a deadline. Doesn’t matter that said deadline takes back seat to the other fifteen fucking million things that am trying to get out the door this week. Doesn’t matter one bit.
As many lists as this gal can make, and as many hours that come in early, am still insufficient. Have been working v. hard – almost to the point of obsession. Sadly, on reflection, it seems work has been the only marker of success or failure that have been able to gauge self with lately. And clearly, it is just one more failure.
Have been feeling like something of a non-participant lately in my own personal life. Family matters are beyond sort of scandal even the Osbournes could conjure up, but am getting used to that. In truth, am mostly a bit lonesome. As much of an egregious fuckwit as J could be, felt as though our back and forths gave me some kind of an anchor in real life. (Not that the fellas from Queer Eye aren’t real, of course. But am digressing.) After J, purposely stayed away from forming any substantial connections and have continued to do so. And, quite honestly, will probably continue in same vein for the foreseeable future. Feel tired. Wobbly, like Jell-o having been left out too long. Is quite an accurate physical description as well. Perhaps should focus less on work and more on being able to embrace the fall’s tribute to the miniskirt. Not that it matters. Am too poor to buy a miniskirt. Ah, life’s cute and tragic ironies.
Damn, I know what that feels like. Ever since I got a job, I haven't cooked, haven't cleaned; all I've done is gone to work.
The only thing left to draw a sense of accomplishment from is my ability to finish off an entire large pizza, or a half-gallon of mint chocolate-chip ice-cream entirely on my own.
I will not be wearing mini-skirts this fall either. I wouldn't be normally, but I just thought I'd let you know, you're not the only one.
Posted by: Gopi at September 8, 2003 10:54 PMI sympathize with that last paragraph enormously. Sigh.
Posted by: jennn at September 9, 2003 12:39 AMaw, fish. I can so relate to the impossible demands and lack of gratitude of the higher ups/clients at work. You can bend over backwards and work your ass off and receive no appreciation or gratitude. The higher up they are, the more fucked in the head they become. Must be the effect of the thinning air at the summit of the corporate mountain. Here's a trick. When you are given a gazillion things to do and an impossible timeframe, write to your boss and explain you have this this this and this and only so much time and let him/her decide what has priority. Your boss will always pick the items of the higher ups. (and get this in writing.) That's what I do...and have since stopped being the fall guy (girl).
Posted by: Katherine at September 9, 2003 02:59 AMKatherine has a great idea. Keep the communication open up the line, and make sure they know what you are doing.
Also, learn to say 'no' once and a while. (It's tough!)
Posted by: Dan at September 9, 2003 09:17 AMSometimes doing something small helps. My sister is away at school and I thought it would be fun to make her a little packet of photos of her with her brothers, all kinds of silly little things. That is the project I am currently excited about. Maybe you can find something like that. As trite as it may sound, it does help.
Posted by: Michael at September 9, 2003 10:38 AMnot advice, per se, but thought you might enjoy the accent if nothing else. :-) http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/mental/ram/relax01.ram
Posted by: Lisa at September 9, 2003 12:12 PMAnd yet the highway patrol may be around the next curve with jumper cables and some high-octane coffee.
When life hands me a flat tire, look! Hey! I've got three perfectly good tires. And whoa! A spare to get me through. There's always a bright side, always room for things to get better, always something in the future worth living for – grasping with both hands and riding it out of the doldrums. I like Michael's suggestion about doing something small. A well-placed first step can lead to a marathon.
Posted by: Texas T-bone at September 9, 2003 12:42 PMGive yourself a hug and call it me.
I feel your pain doll.
Posted by: Ari at September 9, 2003 12:57 PMI like pie.
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at September 9, 2003 02:10 PMI like key lime pie ice cream.
Wish I had something wise or soothing to add, Fish, but everyone else's comments are lovely.
Thanks for letting us share your malaise. Hope you feel a little better now. Getting these things out into the open can feel good.
Be good to yourself.
Posted by: Diana at September 9, 2003 11:45 PMPS: Gopi, I hear you. I have those same accomplishments on my resume, too. :)
Posted by: Diana at September 9, 2003 11:46 PM