Have spent the last thirteen hours dismantling and then re-building the archives for this site, after discovering that the UMF happened upon it sometime last night.
Actually, happening upon isn't quite the right term, but snooping sounds so dirty.
Had a mini crisis last night (thank you for wise words, comfort and humor), followed by an absolutely astounding string of email conversations with my mother. And now, from what I can tell, she's just done talking to me.
Perhaps what she failed to understand is:
There are things you say about people -- to vent. And there are things you say to people -- to relate. We do the venting so that it is out of our systems when it does come time to relate.
There is a difference between my mother and the UMF. The UMF is a character. A representation of my mother-related frustrations. My mother, though, to be honest, has not been around in over a year. I don't know much about her anymore. She's been replaced by this bizarre character, to whom I cannot relate. It seems my siblings all feel the same way.
My feelings of dread were mixed with feelings of apathy -- apathy in the sense that she's so distant to me these days that I can almost completely remain unaffected by her anger. I hurt her. I know this. And I know it's cruel of me to say, but... she'll get over it. And if she doesn't, she doesn't. What can I do?
If I exposed her faults and foibles and made her a mockery, how much more so did I do the same of myself?
Perhaps I have been brave.
Or, perhaps I have just been wrong.
Bummer. Mom's are precious, so I hope she understands what you were doing, and you guys patch things up soon.
Posted by: Gopi at October 30, 2003 12:56 PMThat's a pretty generalized statement. Not all mothers are precious.
Posted by: Fish at October 30, 2003 01:26 PMWell, it would certainly be nice if your mom used this opportunity to try and relate to you-- but if she doesn't, it sounds like you'll be able to walk away. It's a shame if your mom puts you in that position, but sometimes people who cause more harm than good in your life need to be let go, and sometimes those people are parents.
Good luck, fish!
Posted by: Kim at October 30, 2003 01:35 PMOne would hope that they are. After all, if you can't believe in the goodness of motherhood and in apple pie, what's left to believe in?
At the very least, have some pie. I like mine with a dollop of vanilla ice-cream.
Posted by: Gopi at October 30, 2003 03:00 PMI had an unbelievable string of e-mails with my mother when I was 25.
5 years later, the very idea of her saying those things to me would be ludicrous.
I had to realize that she was making the adjustment to me being an adult, and not her little boy. I started to hold her accountable for the things she said and did much the way that I hold my friends accountable.
It was difficult, and we struggled at it, but most of our struggle is now over. There's no way I would have known this back then.
Posted by: TheYeti at October 30, 2003 03:58 PMDamn. Given that you haven't been always complimentary about UMF... well, to be fair, it's not like you've been always complimentary about yourself, either.
Me, my parents know about my blog (given that the url is my name, I guess that it'd be hard not to) and they choose not to read it. Even though I know that they don't read it, I don't always write about things assuming that they won't read it.
I think that what the Yeti has to say is indeed true: that one of the toughest things for a child and a parent to do is to adjust their relationship as the child becomes an adult. I suspect that it is often harder for the parent than the child to do so.
I think that the measure of a (wo)man is in their deeds, not their words, and by that standard you are a most extraordinary person.
Posted by: Frankenstein at October 30, 2003 05:16 PMdude, that sucks. if either my LDD (loser druggie dad) or UMF (borrowed from you) found my site, it would be a similar situation. my dad would never speak to me again. my mom totally would. i hope yours will too. best of luck.
Posted by: lizzie at October 30, 2003 06:59 PM"We are made to persist; that's how we truly know who were are."
Posted by: Benjamin at October 31, 2003 12:34 AMI hope this doesn't mean you'll end thisfish.com
Honestly, wouldn't it be great to have a mom who'd read an on-line journal out of loving curiosity? I know moms and daughters who have this kind of relationship but they're few and far between.
My mother didn't become precious until much later on for me and I have no regrets about that because simply put, my mother did atrocious things. Even she would admit that. And I had to be away from her for a good long time to survive! It was only when she was dying that we repaired things and I have no regrets about the lost time at all. It was what it was. We got it together at the end...that's how it is sometimes. But my mom also changed...changed herself. As did I. I love my mom now and I'm relieved and pleased we both managed to rise to a noble occasion. But I didn't love her for a very long time. Neither was I an wretched little bitch for it.
If your mother would take a breath and bother to recall her youth with more truth than nostalgia, she'd remember at least one time thinking her own mother was unhinged. Would her mother have been pleased to know it? Course not. Thing is, mothers have no business reading their daughter's diaries, and if they happen upon and choose to read them, they do so at the risk of discovering that they are described neither as saints or best friend of the diarist.
And anyway, a little truth never hurt a narcissist. Never does much good either. If she bears any resemblance to the character you've described, your mom will snap back to self-absorbed UMF in no time flat and forget all about you. Or she'll pout and hold a grudge. But one day Fish, you'll no doubt have the opportunity to rise to a noble occasion for her, and hopefully with her, and all will be understood.
Keep writing though, ok? Because you're good at it.
Posted by: Katherine at October 31, 2003 01:33 AM"We are made to persist; that's how we truly know who were are." - Benji
"Please show me your cooter." - Rocco
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at October 31, 2003 02:32 AMmy mother told my ex-boyfriend: "parents try really hard, but no matter what you do [as a parent], you always fuck up."
...how did she find out about your blog?!
Posted by: j-a at October 31, 2003 03:35 AMunfortunately, not all mothers and not all fathers are precious. my experience with my father last week and how he felt portrayed on my blog is in the same vein as your experience with your mom, fish, or so it sounds. when we say things that we think twice about and they concern people who should be or are very close to us, we tend to second guess our own intentions. i will not offer you advice, but understanding, and the hope that you not look back in time and devalue your own thoughts, opinions and feelings. i know my dad didn't understand the function of the blog, and how as "public personas" we walk a fine line between fiction and truth. i'm around anytime you need someone to chat with! take care, much love to you.
Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at October 31, 2003 09:32 AMFish,
I'm sorry to hear about the UMF issues, but I think you have the right attitude. Hopefully your mom will be able to see that eventually. Best of luck. (Also, I agree that not all mothers are precious. Just because a woman gives birth doesn't mean she's capable of really being a mother.)
Posted by: Nicole at October 31, 2003 10:11 AMAt some point, even parents have to be held responsible for their actions.
Posted by: moire at October 31, 2003 11:45 AMNo one likes to find that they are being talked about "behind their back" (not exactly in this case), much less to find out that what's been said is unflattering.
That being said, I don't know that it matters so much, considering not many of us know your name and so have no idea who she is. I mean, how many of your real-life friends are even going to meet her?
But that doesn't mean she can let it go so easy. But I hope she does get over it so you can have some sort of relationship. Even if it's not great.
Posted by: Michael at October 31, 2003 12:04 PMi'm pretty sure my father is lurking on my blog and as a result i feel stiffled to be able to vent about my relationship with him.
i hope you and your mama patch things up. she has to understand one thing. your blog is almost equivalent to your diary. it's your place to put down your thoughts. yes, it's available to the public to see, but her reading it and feeling wounded is in many ways something she brought on herself. would she have waltzed into your room, read your paper diary and reacted the same way?
maybe yes, maybe no. it's hard to say. i think my family is more cavalier about reading my online journal than they would be about reading any paper diary i kept.
personally, i am just glad that human kind has not developed the ability to read minds yet. i'd be in a world of hurt.
hang in there!