I’m a very social creature.
A social creature who values her alone time -- alone and lonely, rarely being the same thing. Growing up, being alone was a commodity even more valuable than jelly bracelets and Guess jeans. Back then, it was a habit of mine to drag a 3x3 piece of plywood from my father’s workshop to the wheat field across the street (god bless rural America), set it down a safe distance into the grain and sit, hidden, reading the newest Sweet Valley Twins or Nancy Drew I’d gotten from the school library.
I can still pass hours by myself, busied with whatever interests me at the time, and never feel… that I’m by myself.
But I felt it last night.
I have, of late, taken up a new hobby. Inspired by a domestically gifted girlfriend, am now trying my hand at cooking. And by the way my corduroy mini is fitting this morning, I’m pretty sure it’s been a successful venture. But considering last winter’s hobby included a man-child named J and hefty amounts of diet pills, well, this one’s indubitably healthier. A couple (fifteen) pounds never hurt anyone, right?
The thing about cooking, though, is that recipes are made for pairs. And as result, there are six small, disposable plastic containers on the shelf in my fridge, their purple lids labeled with things like Broccoli Cheese Soup, Basil Shrimp, Roasted Garlic Pork and Mushroom Bacon Quiche. All single servings, left over from dinners for two, eaten by one.
I saw them there last night, all lined up and labeled in my obsessive compulsive way, and thought, this is meaningless.
I miss having someone to eat the other serving (and usually part of mine). I miss having someone to sit on my feet and keep them warm while we have a bit of after-dinner living room time. Sometimes it’s Jeopardy; where I’ll turn into Super Know-it-All Answer Girl. I miss having someone to tell me to shut up and let the guy with the bad hair piece answer. Sometimes it’s Reality TV. And I miss having someone to Oh-My-God with over the cattiness of the Joe Millionaire Girls.
I miss really good kisses. And knowing glances. And misunderstandings. And I miss those moments that you know the misunderstanding is over and you can go back to really good kisses and knowing glances.
My life is easy, but my feet are cold and my fridge is full of fake, single serving Tupperware. Because until something changes, I’m still cooking for one.
i miss that too!
Posted by: dahl at November 6, 2003 12:33 PMLoneliness is the one true evil for man. Mankind. And Womankind.
I'm glad that you are able to be alone and not lonely. I'm sorry that you're lonely.
It occurs to me that maybe you could put an ad in craigslist about wanting to cook with someone - it could be as a singles ad and it could be as an "activity partner" thing.
I'm surprised I'm not lonely more often, but I guess I gave up on that whole "love" thing a while ago, even though I didn't. While I don't consider myself attractive and don't approach anyone ever, I do also allow for the possibility that I could randomly meet someone somewhere for god knows what reason and they could like me and we could fall in love. It's never outside of possibility, it's just not likely.
In any case, I guess that's just my response to the endless sea of lonely hearts that seem to ebb and flow on the great tides of the blogosphere. And if we weren't lonely, what would we all write about? :) just kidding, of course.
Posted by: Michael at November 6, 2003 12:57 PMMe and my tupperwares for the other portion in my fridge definitely agree!
Posted by: emma at November 6, 2003 02:07 PMWeirdly, I only cook when I'm all alone and bored. I'll cook mountains of food: crockpots full of chili or stews, pans and pans of various breads, pasta, anything high-carb and high-fat. It's comforting. Now that I think about it, it's not that weird.
If you want to satisfy that compulsive streak, you might try something crazy like the Julia/Julie project.
Posted by: Gopi at November 6, 2003 02:27 PMYou can send all leftovers to P.O. Box.......just kidding.....no wait. Since when do fish have feet?
Posted by: Lee at November 6, 2003 02:34 PMAmen! I'm not looking for ever-after right now, but somebody to share dinner with and watch movies with would be fantastic. I'm somewhat sorry to discover there are enough of us out there for a club.
Posted by: Emily at November 6, 2003 08:35 PMFishie, the solution is to take those tupperwares to work and eat the second serving for lunch. It's funny how a pint of ice cream never seems like it's for two though...I'm loathe to share the pints. Let partner get their own pint.
Posted by: Katherine at November 6, 2003 10:24 PMFish, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I think you're my soul mate. I have no words of wisdom as I am currently showcasing all of my ex boyfriends on my blog. However, I do have a recipe for you. And it's sugar busters, since I am currently trying to let go of 10 pounds myself. Enjoy.
1 1/2 lb. of ground turkey (or ground chuck)
2 15 oz. cans of tomato sauce
1 14.5 oz. can of whole tomatoes
1 onion
1/2 to 1/3 small can of chili powder
2 cans of red beans
Some garlic powder
Salt and pepper
Dice the onion and put it in the meat while browning. Once the meet is brown, drain the grease and put back in big pot. Pour in tomato sauce, whole tomatoes, and beans. Stir it up and start dumping garlic powder, chili powder, salt, and pepper. I just sort of add seasoning as I see fit. Cook it for about 45 minutes, stirring every now and again. Just have fun with it. Sprinkle some cheese on it once you have it in your bowl and eat with whole wheat crackers. There you have a yummy (almost) sugar free meal.
*Freeze that shit and thaw it again in a few wks. and you won't have to look at the single servings in the fridge:)
Posted by: lizzie at November 6, 2003 11:41 PMIt's like you peeked into my mind and wrote what was in there.
I hear you!
Posted by: Mala at November 7, 2003 09:57 AMI used to have a book - Cooking for 1 or 2. I haven't seen it lately. Not since....not since I went to see Laura and brought it with to cook dinner. She broke up with me that night, and I left the book there...
In exchange, I got her shampoo, which she left at my apartment, and which I inexplicably moved with me when I moved into a new apartment last month. Go figure.
I know the lonely feeling all too well. Tonight's Friday night, and what am I doing? Watching 'Sex & the City' reruns on HBO2 and surfing the web. I am SO desirable...
Posted by: greg at November 7, 2003 11:31 PMI totally know how you feel. I think that's the reason I let my ex-boyfriend (who hurt me so many times) move in with me... so I could have someone to cook with, hang out with, watch tv with, a body to sleep next to, etc. Yeah, I know - so unhealthy!! but it works for me.
Great blog by the way... love it!
Posted by: lucy at November 13, 2003 03:36 PM