I’ve had the strangest night.
J called me at work today to ask if I would do a press kit for the band. By Friday. You know, the Friday that is in less than two days?
Anyway, after a trip to Brazilian wax hell, I decided to torture myself even further by spending the evening at band practice, taking photos with the boys. I had forgotten how much fun they were. And I had also forgotten how hearing My Song makes me feel. In short, it made me feel like taking J’s drumsticks and…well, you get the picture. What was I thinking with that kid? I played such the fool. I mean, okay, let’s level. I’m tough, smart, well educated and, in the right lighting, fairly foxy (did I leave anything out?). And I let THAT guy make me feel like a big fat nothing?! Live and learn, my friends.
Anyway, the highlight of the evening was J’s confession that he is falling for some girl and that he’s scared shitless. In what was probably one of the more honest conversations I’ve had in a long time, he actually asked me if he deserved to have it blow up in his face.
J: Do you think I’ve made up for how bad I was to you?
H: Well…
J: That means no.
H: No, that means that I don’t think you can do anything to change what happened. Are you going to treat her better?
J: Yes. Absolutely.
H: Then you’ll have made up for it.
J: You don’t think after what I did to you, that….
H: Are you asking me if I wish bad things for you? That’s horrible. If anyone should, yeah, it should be me and I don’t. So I don’t think Karma does either.
J: I’m a bit scared.
H: Yeah, well, love is scary. None of us has been lucky in love or we would be married. Right? Maybe this is your chance to do it right.
J: I really screwed up with you. And I really do love you. You know that, right?
H: Yeah, but maybe you should have said it once in a while.
J: Ouch. That hurts.
H: Tell me about it.
In all honesty, I wish him well. But in a passive sort of way. I don’t think about him anymore. Six months of complete and total separation cured me of that. Now, even when we’re in the same room, it’s almost an effort to listen to what he says and not beg him to get a Ritalin prescription. And I’m not hung up on how he hurt me. What I am, is convinced it won’t be like that ever again. I’m none too shabby and I deserve someone who is not only going to really dig me, but have the cajones to say it, too.
Recognize.
Hope to be as strong myself some day..
Posted by: jennn at December 3, 2003 11:53 PMWell...to be fair to you, you didn't know he was "THAT guy" when you were in the throes. J has a mighty big ego to keep asking the same old lame old questions. And didn't he just have a girl? And wasn't he asking the same questions about her? I mean...she's over you ok bud? You're not so big a deal in this life. A blip in a year. A dime a dozen, etc. The fact that he keeps asking proves he's still a jerk and an idiot. Poor girl. Because if she falls for him he'll fall out like the predictable ass he is. And then he'll ask her these questions.
Posted by: Katherine at December 4, 2003 01:46 AMWho cares about J? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Terribly trite and annoying to hear in the midst of a heartbreak, right? But I would add, that not only does it make you stronger, it also makes you better - nicer, more humble, more capable of rolling with the punches. And in the long run, all of that makes you more gorgeous. J not only screwed up because he missed out on being with you then, but he's also missing out now, missing out on your appreciation, your increasing evolution into a more and more awesome human being.
You go girl.
Posted by: Belle at December 4, 2003 12:06 PMIt's tough to be the ONE they learn this stuff - like their own guinea pig.
But you seem to be taking it well - good for you!
And I don't even know either of you, but I think it would be ok for ME to wish that he gets his heart stomped on - at least once.
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at December 4, 2003 12:30 PMAmen on the Brazillian Wax Hell. I swear I need two drinks and two days of psyching myself out before getting through the door. And yet I go back, masochist that I am.
this rocked.
Posted by: julia at December 4, 2003 06:56 PMRE: Brazilian Wax:
It does seem a bit masochistic, right? But it's totally in line with my perfectionist nature... everything so clean and tidy. And dead sexy ;) I've been addicted to the pain for over a year now.
Posted by: Fish at December 5, 2003 09:37 AMIt is, it is. And low-maintenance - you're good for over a month from there. Speaking of, damn I'm overdue (ew - TMI! TMI!)... time to throw a few back.
Posted by: deb at December 5, 2003 11:28 AM