I am a womanish girl
I’ve got big hips
I’m a little insecure
I tell you things straight most of the time
Then again, it’s only most of the time
Lying in the tub, my hair fanned out in the water around me, one leg over the edge of the tub and the other propped up on the faucet, I start taking inventory. The long, pink tipped toes of my right foot still show damage from this summer’s rafting accident (one will never quite be straight), the calloused pads of my feet from wearing heels on the walk to work. I prop myself up on my elbows, sink my feet into the water and think about buying a beauty stone. A girl should have soft feet.
I fixate on my stomach, a curved dome, the silver glint of my navel ring obscured under the water, the three small appendix scars on my white skin. I pinch an inch and shrug, lying back down in the water. Then I lift and re-examine my legs – my calves, the curve of my thigh. I notice they, too are thicker than they used to be. And I remember the way they looked just last year at this time, my stomach taught and my hip bones jutting out just a bit.
I was thin. I miss that a little. But it was all I thought about. And I don't miss that one bit. My acceptance of myself was measured on the bathroom scale, counted in calories and washed down with ephedrine/caffeine cocktails. It was something of an obsession.
I sit up, watching the slight fold of my stomach and step out of the tub. Reaching for a towel, I have to smile. There’s no scale in my bathroom anymore.
I don't miss it.
(lyrics by leah siegel)
Posted by This Fish at December 7, 2003 07:14 PMAmen, sister.
Posted by: Gail-Marie at December 7, 2003 08:24 PMI'm not sure how much of a "feminist" a 5'8" woman can be when she weighs less than 150 pounds and is obsessed with her "fat".
On the other hand, I'm sure Paris Hilton would approve of your consistent self-critcism.
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at December 7, 2003 11:40 PMHell yah. Having a tiny bit of a tummy is soooooo much better than having a weight obsession. I have accepted that I LOVE good food and I hate starving myself it is not a big deal in the least.
(Though if I could magically weight ten pounds less while doing everything exactly the same way, that would be a different story..)
Posted by: jennn at December 8, 2003 01:42 AMWow... such venom Rocco! And this coming from the man who told me I have an ass the size of Delaware. Oh wait... you must have meant that in a good way.
Posted by: Fish at December 8, 2003 06:15 AMif you get rid of your callouses than your feet will kill on the way to work.
id never get rid of my callouses. you know carrie bradshaw has em...
"...you must have meant that in a good way"
You're just figuring that out now?
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at December 8, 2003 11:00 AMhmmm... yeah, well, I merely satisfied my ego with the fact that it wasn't a much larger state.
Posted by: Fish at December 8, 2003 11:45 AMFeminists can't be insecure about body-image any more? Ya learn something every day!
Posted by: Gopi at December 8, 2003 01:45 PMWOWser that was a venemous comment about feminists... of course one can be a feminist and be weight obsessed. There's NOTHING in feminism that says you must be perfect and not-neurotic. The thing feminism most often says is that one must be EQUAL. That even means equally confused and searching for answers.
Posted by: Kim at December 11, 2003 11:32 AM