This Fish Needs A Bicycle

There are more than just those two options.

H, I am going through the exact same thing right now...new guy on the scene having just broken up with my man of two years, three months ago, and I dunno...does it feel right?
I'm not getting that rush that I used to get, no butterflies, no sleepless nights desperately trying to sleep and dream about him but stay awake to think about him at the same time...

I'm not feeling any of it yet I feel like I should go for this.

You put it so perfectly.
Thank you for your wonderful writing :)
Becka.

There are stayers who make you feel that "thing", but they usually sleep all day :)

hee... that they do. But they go fetch you a pint of ice cream when you really need it, too.

For about 4 years, I lived with a boyfriend who I knew would never break my heart, kind of the way you feel about this guy. We never had that 'thing', but it was pretty happy and peaceful, and it was just what I needed. When I was ready to move on, so was he, and we moved on.
I don't regret spending those years with him, because it was right for me, and for both of us. But I certainly am glad that we knew it for what it was, and didn't attach unrealistic expectations to it, like marriage or kids.
The relationship helped me keep my standards high once I was ready to move on, and helped me figure out what I need. This isn't for everyone, and only you can decide if it's right for you.

seizure patients sometimes have the connecting transmitter path thingie between the left and right hemispheres cut so that the seizures will only affect half of the brain at a time. they still function almost completely normally. except when their right hand tries to bat at the left hand for doing something it knows it can do better. just a thought.

Hold out for the stayer with that "thing". They exist, they're just a bit harder to find.

You can't expect that "thing" to be around forever. I married a stayer. That "thing" was there at the beginning, but it's now changed into something different. I look at him and feel a rush of warmth, joy, happiness...and pride.

eeeeeeewww, Howard gave advice!
(I'm pretty sure I read something on the blog about how advice is generally unappreciated.)

Sure, "stayers with that 'thing'" are out there; they certainly are. But it seems to me that's not totally what this is about, like the question is more whether to go with something you know.

It seems like the bigger question is, would being with him help you towards finding the right person (whether it's him or not),
Or would being with him mean you lose out on the chance to meet that right person?
That's a toughie.

JJ!! Nailed it on the head!

It's going to be deicision time soon whether I like it or not. Fish or cut bait. There really ARE only two options in this scenario.

If I was that guy... oh, wait, I *was* that guy.

Wisdom. You can't buy it, but you must pay for it.

Are you really not interested in seeing this guy even casually, to find out whether or not you'd feel that "thing," even if you're not feeling it at this very moment?

Nobody wants to settle for someone or be settled for, but would it be so terrible to see someone - for now - who's decent? Not that there would be anything wrong in deciding to cut bait either.

But he seems willing to take a chance on your ultimately not feeling that "thing" - how willing are you to do the same? Sure, there's the mess of extricating yourself if things didn't work out, but there's also the possibility that they could.

You'll never know until you try and hey - you could be surprised.

im with a "stayer" right now. It makes me nervous.

Has anyone ever grown on you before? If history shows you that's a possibility, then by all means... Personally, if that thing isn't there for me within the first 1.2 seconds of contact, it's never going to be. And I don't need just anyone; I need the right one.

I'm marrying a stayer, we have that 'thing' but it's not the same 'thing' as I shared with the guy who mushed my heart into itty-bitty pieces...I think maybe that 'thing' was just adrenaline.

I suppose what makes attraction work is illogical chemistry and if there's not much of that, forget it. But some folks are also attracted by drama and if there's no prospect of that they become bored. (Too much reliability can be a turn off for people who prefer the emotional teases.) But what struck me about your description was his saying he thought you were worthy of his time. Someone who'd actually *say* or strongly hint that I was worth their time...there's something a little off putting about that. It's ok to think it but I couldn't imagine saying that to someone I genuinely liked. It sounds more arrogant than complimentary.

You're a little bit rock&roll, he's a little bit, uh.... smooth jazz? "Adult Contemporary?"

Seriously, you shouldn't be making this kind of decision until you're, oh, on the far side of 30 at the very earliest.

Here is a popular thought that sticks with me. It makes me wonder about (ok, suspect) my strongest attractions to women...

"Our free choice is, in the end, a product of our unconscious, which has an agenda of its own. And what the unconscious wants is to become whole and to heal the wounds of childhood. To this end it is carrying around its own detailed picture of a proper match, searching not for the right stats, but for the right chemistry. And what is that chemistry? Nothing more than our unconscious attraction to someone who we feel will meet our particular emotional needs. Specifically that need is to cover the "shortfall" of childhood by having our mates fill in the psychological gaps left by our imperfect childhood caretakers. How do we go about that? By falling madly in love with someone who has both the positive and the negative traits of our imperfect parents, someone who fits the image that we carry deep inside us, and for whose embodiment we are unconsciously searching."
-Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

Yeah, too academic so bring on the Freud remarks, but I lit up inside the instant I first saw my ex-girlfriend of four years and I could make a case study about us. I can't judge for myself on chemistry alone. My healthiest relationships started with little chemistry and turned into connections with great passion. That's just me.

I think there's more than one kind of "thing". There's the kind where the arrow matches the wound, which is nasty, tends not to last, is very dramatic, and builds up all the parts of yourself that you're trying to get rid of, and then there's the other kind, where you're with somebody who matches all your healthy bits, and the wounds are able to heal a bit. The trick is figuring out which is which.

Just found your site, great stuff.

My first marriage was out of need.
My second marriage was out of obsession.
My third marriage was with a dear friend with whom I had everything BUT that spark. She ended it after a year and a half, saying -- rightly -- that we both deserved better. Friendship and warmth and shared values, as important as they are, are not enough without passion.

Just my two cents.

H

Oops...I did give advice in an advice-free zone. My bad.

Interesting thoughts. I like pointing out that the whole "marriage based on romantic love" is a fairly modern and new concept, unlike the marriages of old, when a "stayer" would be seen as a perfect candidate. I'm tempted to argue that "romantic" marriages could be responsible for the high failure rate of marriage but it's probably got more to do with people's lack of fear of the church and divorce being legal.

Why must Living and Being be two different feelings?

(Passion) fruit doesn't grow in a day. In fact, you can't even see the seed at the beginning. But if you water it carefully, it does grow into something. And then you can decide what you want to do with it.

Give the stayer a chance.