Please Note: This post is rated TMI for Too Much Information. It includes words like, pelvic, and may not be suitable for some viewers.
Over brunch one morning, a friend and I talked careers. I mentioned that even at my most ambitious moments, I had never intended to have one. A corporate career, at any rate.
“My plan was always to stay home, write, and have fat babies.”
As soon as the sentence had come out of my mouth, an odd feeling lept up in my stomach. The little worry knot. I prodded my salmon with my fork and pushed the knot back down. I smiled. Moments like those have always made me wonder if outwardly, things change as they do on internal levels. Did my face cloud over? Moments like those make me put on a bigger smile to run interference for questions like,” What’s wrong?”
Maintain current comfort levels. Smile. Eat your salmon.
It was very good salmon.
***
Months ago, six hours in the emergency room at Saint Elizabeth’s, the Phenagran drip making me woozy, I had been clear-headed enough to know that x-rays and ultrasounds were not necessary for simple food poisoning. Not to mention the pelvic exam. I'd stared at the ceiling and waited for the stranger to finish. No sense in making eye contact. There won’t be cuddling afterward. He'd made light conversation. Shhh… don’t talk, honey. It’s better that way.
“Hmmm.”
I had continued counting ceiling tiles.
“There seems to be a bit of … an abnormality.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have any of your sexual partners complained of… resistance?”
It’s the ones that don’t get that far who complain of resistance, right? Ha! But seriously, folks...
“No… I mean, I don't think so.”
“It’s nothing to be concerned about. Will make pregnancy a bit of a… difficulty… but we’ll worry about that when the time comes, eh?”
Phenagran in my brain.
“What?”
After his explanation, and watching the nurse change my IV, I'd gone back to sleep.
***
Over pink salmon in cream sauce, we kept chatting. I had a second helping and ignored the funny feeling in my stomach.
I had put off getting a second opinion (three scheduled and subsequently cancelled appointments). We’ll worry about that when the time comes. While, admittedly, it is a silly thing for a single girl of my age to do, I worry about it at other times. Like brunch. Or when looking at baby pictures or watching diaper commericals.
I am, in all other ways, in perfectly fine health. I do not have a disease, a disorder, a cut or a scrape. Just an abnormality and a worry knot attached to the idea that I may have been making all the wrong sorts of plans.
So, today, when my work calendar darted on to remind me of a fourth appointment, I pressed snooze instead of dismiss and dug through my purse.
Where’s my Blue Cross card?
Posted by This Fish at January 30, 2004 01:33 PMDo you have a tipped uterus? Because there's a lot that can be done to accomodate that. The second opinion may relieve lots of needless worry. (I hope that $.02 doesn't count as advice.)
Posted by: polichick at January 30, 2004 01:57 PMI was on the career track for several years, but when the high-tech crash rendered me redundant I started thinking about babies again. Hubby and I are now trying to go for it. I'm almost glad I was laid-off. I'm not sure I could have made that decision on my own.
Posted by: daisy at January 30, 2004 02:04 PMI'm still trying to figure out why they gave you a pelvic exam for food poisoning... What was that? A student doctor figures, what the hell, a free subject to practice on?
Posted by: Pascale Soleil at January 30, 2004 02:29 PMIt was needed for the process of "ruling out." Mmm hmm. I'm pretty sure that those tests are how the hospital makes their money.
My bill for food poisoning? THREE thousand dollars. Three grand. Thank god for insurance.
Insurance is SO cool! I totally remember what it was like to have real health insurance.....
I also remember that BCBS has an awesome 24-hour nurse hotline. You should try calling that and seeing if they can tell you what's up right then and there. It's probably recorded in your file. It doesn't replace the appt., but it can help you prepare.
If it is a tipped uterus, do not stop using birth control. I have the same thing. The idiotic doctor told me I'd never get pregnant and I have been pregnant twice.
Posted by: Katherine at January 30, 2004 06:59 PMIf it is a tipped uterus, do not stop using birth control. I have the same thing. The idiotic doctor told me I'd never get pregnant and I have been pregnant twice.
Posted by: Katherine at January 30, 2004 07:00 PMI can't add anything to the discussion here, really. I just wanted to let you know I love the title of your blog! :-)
Posted by: Rus at January 31, 2004 11:06 AMLife is pretty frickn' persistant. It gets in there and fools you, time and time again. Babies WANT to get born, and evolution says "complications!? WHAT-ever." (Or maybe that's mother nature).
What p*sses me off is that "they" (the media, or someone) like to freak out any woman who hasn't procreated by age 2-- it's going to be hard "they" say. "you're risking your future happiness if you don't get knocked up right this instant"-- you're over 20? oh well, give it up, honey.
Anytime I've spoken to female sensible doctors, they've always said not to worry too much. So, knowing nothing about what your "resistance" issue is, I say, I probably woudn't worry too much. I myself have a "dog eared" uterus. (I picture it looking a bit like a basset hound). I think there is no such thing as NORMAL and lots of people have "difficulties" if you really really examine them closely.
Posted by: Kim at January 31, 2004 02:05 PMFish, first let me say that I hope your second appoinment shows nothing too problematic. But I also wanted to say that I found this entry particularly well-written. Thanks for sharing your life and your talent with us.
$3000?! Thank god for the National Health Service, I say! That'd be a whole £0 here. Nice exchange rate, huh?
Posted by: Lisa at February 1, 2004 12:57 PMSooooooo grateful I live in Canada. No Blue Cross needed. You need to go see a doctor? You go. End of story.
Hope everything turns out ok Fish!
Posted by: d-d at February 2, 2004 03:00 PMFirst of all, the word "pelvic" is in no way TMI. It doesn't become TMI until you start talking about the consistency of your cervical mucus, and even then you'll find a willing audience.
Second of all, just so you know, the only uterine "abnormality" that might interfere with impregnation is the so-called T-shaped uterus, common among women whose mothers injested DES during their pregnancies. Women with T-shaped uteri (uterii? uteruses? uterae?) do have a higher rate of ectopic pregnancies, but the vast majority of them can successfully carry a child to term.
So don't worry.
Just found your funny blog, am looking forward to reading more.
Posted by: getupgrrl at February 8, 2004 12:18 PM