If J left me with anything at all, it was a sense of my own limitations. And of my limits. Those two not being the same thing.
It wasn't that at the end of two years, he chose someone else. It was that time and time again, during those years, he didn't chose me. Repeatedly. I'd find some girl's hair on his pillows, or hear his bandmates talking about another one back stage at some small town show. And I'd know where he'd been when he stood me up.
We never talked about it.
Because he'd covered his bases! After we'd broken up the second time and gotten back together, we were still not "together." He loved me, he said. But he wasn't sure if he loved me.
I went along with it. Why? Why do I do any of the foolish and vain things I do? Because I did. Because I was set on making my own mistakes. And because I loved him.
But when he came to bed on Valentine's Day last year, smelling of her, of the girl we'd just met in the hot tub, I'd finally found my limits. I could not let my ego take one more beating. And I'd found my limitations. I could not make someone love me.
What's interesting (funny even?) is that tonight, just thinking about it, my ego feels just as battered as it did then. The voice in my head kept me from falling asleep just now saying, "Don't kid yourself. You're not so tough." as I thought about the final legacy J left me.
I can't let my ego take one more beating. I cannot make someone love me.
And I don't really want them to.
I had someone exactly like J too, and it took me way too long to say 'no, get out of my life'. Looking back it is impossible to understand how I could take that shit so long.
Posted by: emma at February 12, 2004 01:13 AMAnd you don't need to...you're a thunderbolt! If you're half as intellegent as what your blog portrays you to be...I have several friends that would climb over each other's dead bodies to get to you. Keep on keeping on, you're way too much a force of nature to let this life's challenges stop you. You're a tidal wave! When you finally hit shore, the right guy won't know what hit him. Get your sleep! People like you have to lead morons like me.
Posted by: Mike at February 12, 2004 01:45 AMoh, fish, if i've said it once, i've said it a million times, but it's still as true as true can be--your J is like my own J, so many moments you and i went through that were alike. it's amazing to emerge from a relationship like this and really, when all is said and done, be a better person. ok,i have to shut up now because this hits so close to home i lose my ability to string words together.
Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at February 12, 2004 01:54 AMThank you. Someone has finally put into words what I had always felt, what i DID feel in my last relationship. I couldn't make him love me, and my ego had taken too much ass-kicking. Yet, it still hurts today. All that trying, all that longing. Unrequited. Unsettled. Unfinished and incomplete. Because I could never be his one, THE one, even if only for a minute. And I couldn't rest, until I decided it was enough. I was enough. It'll all be okay. Someday soon. I hope. Love the site. Keep it up!
Posted by: d. at February 12, 2004 02:20 AM4:06 AM EST. The room is dark; I'm wide awake.
Posted by: B at February 12, 2004 04:06 AMGod I've been there. Hell, I am there. Though mine was somewhat different, and had better and worse aspects than yours. Mine's nearer than yours time-wise, so I'm anxiously watching if you crawl up and out soon. I'm hoping we both do.
Posted by: bond girl at February 12, 2004 10:13 AMAnd you don't need to--the ones who don't already love you are the misguided, misbegotten few. It's hard to hear, but while they may be worth friendship, they're not worth effort.
Posted by: Paul Gutman at February 12, 2004 10:36 AMah, jeezus, I was going to comment something like "are J & my old boyfriend the same person?" - now I see how many people said essentially the same thing. how sad...
Posted by: erin at February 12, 2004 12:28 PMI have had the J-experience... with a little nasty twist. My J(s) did profess to really love me, and seemed to mean it, but still continued to act in the ways you described. This makes it extremely hard to leave-- how can you leave someone who thinks you *are* The One, but just keeps screwing up? Eventually you realize it's all the same... Either they're deceiving themselves and you, or just you.
I've been reading for about 6 months, Fish, and I *love* your blog. I've recently started reading your archives, but I've gotta stop doing it at work-- no more tearing up in my cube! =) Anyway, you're a beautiful writer, and you've come a long way, and you obviously speak to a lot of people, myself included, whether it's through the pain of disappointment, the joys of girldom, or the crush of overwhelmedness. Congratulations.
Posted by: s at February 12, 2004 01:10 PMi can honestly say that i don't understand how someone can cheat on the partner. i have been in many relationships and during so i have never allowed myself to do so. usually at the end, when things are bad, there are thoughts, but i never act on them.
I hold too much respect for myself to ever do something like that not to mention the respect that i have for others.
I am so sorry that anyone has to go through such a horrible experiece.
just my two cents...
I just wandered into your blog and can only say that, on your behalf, I hate this J a great deal and am glad you are away from him now.
Yours will come.
Eve
Posted by: Eve at February 12, 2004 06:04 PMRealizing that I could not make someone love me was the best lesson I have ever learned. Too bad it took helping my shrink pay off her BMW to figure that out.
Posted by: Cosmo at February 12, 2004 06:14 PMYou have no idea how much this latest post means to me at this very moment. Your last three sentences speak volumes. Hallelujah, sister!! Thanks for putting into words what I cannot.
Posted by: brooke at February 12, 2004 08:37 PMI was never cheated on, but I guess if I had I'd have at least understood why, after years of giving him my love, I still wasn't enough for him. It is sad how many of us have felt the same way...
Posted by: saara at February 12, 2004 10:01 PMso after all this huffing and puffing about what katerine said you go ahead and put up a wondeful, brooding post about J.
Posted by: hubs at February 13, 2004 12:15 PMI'm trying to work up the guts right now to say goodbye to my own J, and it's not going well. All of this gives me a little strength, although I'm still dying inside. Part of me wants to stay, if only for the three and a half years I've invested. Bad bad reason, but it really feels like I'm getting a divorce. I might have to get my hands on some mood stabilizers to make it through the next few weeks. Just glad to know that I'm not alone.
Posted by: Phoebe at February 16, 2004 04:41 PM