March 04, 2004

you wish you'd thought of it sooner

It's hard for you to explain.

Everyone says, "Oh my god, you must be so excited."

And you are. Only, you're so overwhelmed that you stopped really feeling excited sometime between 3 and 10 pm on Monday night when reality slapped you in the face.

Everyone says, "I know you can do it!"

And sure you can! You've done hard things before, right? But you can't really explain to anyone why minor cash flow issues, and a gazillion Craig's List apartment listings and the date March 22nd have you nearly wretching in the ladies' room.

So you don't explain. You say, "Yes, I'm so super excited to move to New York." Because mostly you are. Your job will be hard as hell. And you will love that. You will feel like you're really living again.

But when you crawl into bed, and the hours pass, and your brain is so full of the things you feel like you'll never accomplish in time, and you're scared (yes, you're scared, you'll admit it), you might give in a little to that overwhelming, "What have I done" feeling.

And you'll cry. Mostly because you don't know what else to do besides wish there was someone there to hold your hand or pat your head or just say, "I'd probably cry, too."

But it's just you and an oblivious cat (who will have to be force-fed Kitty Valium for the move), and a computer. So you write a little, cry a little more, and hope that you've worn yourself out enough to sleep.

You'd wish you'd thought of it sooner, but it's way too late to take Tylenol PM.

Posted by This Fish at March 4, 2004 12:30 AM

But New York is AWESOME! Tons of things to do, the coolest bloggers. It is fantastic. You also get to work really long hours every day!


Posted by: Pernicious at March 4, 2004 12:34 AM

kitty pill-giving tip i recently learned: with your thumb and middle finger grasp either side of the jaw from behind. curl the last two fingers into the back of said kitty-neck. then firmly grasp head, tilt back against fingers and, with the other hand, poke the pill down the kitty-throat before muffin figures out what's going on. it usually works.

have fun in ny. i miss it greatly.

Posted by: kat at March 4, 2004 02:47 AM

Completely understandable feelings. I was totally freaked out when I moved from Vancouver to Montreal, even though initially I was thrilled that I got into my grad program at McGill. You will survive and thrive:)

Posted by: finelyspungirl at March 4, 2004 04:03 AM

I'd probably cry too.

Posted by: emma at March 4, 2004 04:11 AM

When I was getting ready to leave Boston I cried for about three months.

After I left I cried for about six more. Or was it seven? Eight?

Whichever. There was a lot of crying involved.

Just be glad you're not moving to suburbia. New York is fantastic and I bet it will be the best move you've ever made.

Posted by: jennn at March 4, 2004 04:37 AM

Not only would I probably cry too, I did cry. And although my destination is unclear this time, it's not stopping the water works.

Everytime I feel the tears spilling over I want to grab someone and say, "But I'm happy!"

And for whatever it's worth, I wish there was something I could do to help, make it feel better/easier/safer.

I know you'll do great.

Posted by: Jessica at March 4, 2004 06:06 AM

i'd totally cry too! and i had to give my old dog valium every time it thundered.

Posted by: amber at March 4, 2004 09:07 AM

i felt the same way when i left CA to start law school - but it is so worth it! good luck!

Posted by: lori at March 4, 2004 09:58 AM

But, on March 23rd... you'll wake up, and everything will be done. You will get everything done that needs doing, because... well, because it has to get done. And it just will.

Posted by: Kim at March 4, 2004 10:09 AM

Awww Fish...

Same here... seriously. It's so interesting to be so convinced and to be so unsure all at the same time. To be solid yet weak. I myself am likely facing a move and minute by minute my emotions range from overwhelmed and hopeless to energized and positive.

What's next, shrug? I'll be here reading Fish.

Posted by: KJB at March 4, 2004 11:13 AM

When I stop being jealous as hell I will tell you that I would cry to. In fact I probably wouldn't stop crying. And I definitely would not be sleeping. Big Congrats!!

Posted by: RP at March 4, 2004 12:03 PM

HUGS from another lurker in Westchester. That's the difference between "them" and "us" ... we feel the fear and do it anyway ... YES ... WE STILL FEEL THE FEAR! I just hate when someone tells me, "I'd love to do the things that you do, but it's not that easy for me." Well damn, it's not that easy for me either! THANKS for letting people know ... in your wonderful way ... the OTHER HALF OF THE STORY.

Posted by: Rose at March 4, 2004 12:26 PM

um, it's just New York. It's just another place. (if I say it's great and why would you ever, ever, ever want to live anywhere else than I'll just sound like an obnoxious New Yorker).

There are cars and the subway, and pigeons and bike messengers. There is sidewalk and gum stuck to it, and bagels and briefcases (held by guys who walk fast in trench coats on their way to work). There is Brooklyn and Queens, Staten Island and the Bronx. There is Broadway and off Broadway, drag queens and kings. There is Chinese take out 24 hours. There is also Greek, Eithiopian, Japanese, German, French, Italian, Mexican, Latvian, Polish, and so on.

I like it! It's the best. And really - it's just another place.

Posted by: Sally at March 4, 2004 05:06 PM

You'll do fine. Crying actually helps (I still do occasionally, and I moved to this suburb 9 months ago), and, to quote someone pretty smart in these things, even this has its statute of limitations. You will adjust, "for at least a few hours every day until that becomes the norm...." :)

There are many people out here who are not only rooting for you as make this move, but who are also around to help you get through it. It gets better. It also gets worse sometimes, but then it gets better again, and it definitely beats the alternatives! :)

Good luck, hon!

Posted by: lawyerchick1 at March 4, 2004 06:25 PM

you can do this. totally.

Posted by: julia at March 4, 2004 06:26 PM

hope there's better bikes in ny.


Posted by: e l l e at March 4, 2004 10:17 PM