I’m feeling a bit down today.
I’m sitting, Indian-style in my ergonomic Herman Miller chair, wrapped in a black pashmina, with a four-year-old sitting across my desk drawing me a good-bye picture. Olivia is here often enough that my tack-board is equal parts custom made kid art (three years’ worth) and assorted personal effects. She’s drawing, I’m typing my letter of resignation, pausing occasionally to admire her efforts. For the most part, no actual work will be done in this office for a few hours.
The thermostat says it’s 75 degrees in here, but I feel cold.
At lunch, I let it slip that I might be the slightest bit worried about being a complete screw-up at the new job and ending up unemployed on the streets of New York City.
"Zero percent chance," Stephanie said. She made a big circle with her hands, then rearranged the Thai food on her plate. "Absolutely impossible."
Michael said, "If you were stock, I’d invest in you." And then he asked what I wanted for a house warming gift.
The heater is finally kicking in and I’m hoping that I’ll warm up a little.
I’m actually puzzled by this feeling that’s overtaken me today and hope it’s just from being a little tired. Though I am worried about my father again. And that may explain the pounding in my left temple.
But the heavy feeling in my chest, I don’t really know how to explain that one. Well, yes, I can. As a product of many, many moves in adolescence (five schools in six years), I know what this is, really. It’s separation anxiety. And it will pass. Especially since this is what I wanted and I know it’s the right thing to do (if there’s really any right or wrong to it).
Whatever, or whomever, I’m leaving behind will only be lost if I let it be.
Still, I feel so lonely right now, sitting here at my desk, chilled, waiting in limbo. I’ve got nothing to concentrate on other than this filmy melancholy I’ve drifted into. And this letter of resignation.
Fortunately, you have friends down here in the Big Bad City, and we will try to give you Attachment Anxiety instead.
Posted by: Mr. G at March 12, 2004 02:21 PMI'm with Mr. G on that one. The in-between days are always the hardest to wade through, when you're not here or there. I had a slight buzz going my entire last week in DC. Not that I would recommend resorting to alcohol - oh no.
Posted by: deb at March 12, 2004 03:55 PMHope you're feelin better. You know you have all of us online buddies to count on.
Posted by: Joe at March 12, 2004 03:55 PMIt's just a normal human response to change. We're all wired for self preservation, and our internal wiring is really pretty darn dumb. It says, "change = bad", and there's just no way to cut that link.
If alcohol is not the answer, then you've asked the wrong question. No, it won't help, and it might even hurt. But ya gotta live while you're still breathing, ya know?
Posted by: Arthur at March 12, 2004 05:12 PMBreaking up is always hard to do.. :-(
Posted by: Tudy at March 12, 2004 06:20 PMGood luck in NYC, kiddo. :)
Hey, at least it's a letter of resignation FROM you, and not a letter of rejection FOR you that you're waiting on.
Boo, college admissions. :P
Posted by: tab at March 12, 2004 10:19 PM