Yesterday I came home from work in the rain with a knot of worry filling up my stomach. After spending the day over-caffeinated and trying to mesh piles of work with what I am certain is Adult Onset ADD, I felt absolutely sure that today’s meeting with the Pres would go a little something like this:
President: You sure oversold yourself.
H: But… but!
President: Yeah, you know, I hope that bathtub gig is a sure thing because you’re really not worth our cash.
H: *sigh* Can I at least have another cup of coffee before I go?
But instead, it went a little something like this:
President: Okay, I know it’s a lot, but I’m on a plane to Italy in… two hours… and the following things have to go out tonight. (Insert very long list here)
H: Okay.
President: You sure you’re going to remember all that?
H: *laugh* Have you seen the lists I keep?
President: True. Things going okay?
H: Uh, yeah.
President: You’re doing great work.
Hear that? I’m doing great work! That’s news to me, kids. I mean, it’s no secret that I have a skewed body image. But I usually have a pretty good grasp on just how smart I am (or am not). And while I have only been there two and a half weeks, I have been feeling like I should have a better grasp on things at the New Job. You know, be the model of efficiency. Know everything about everything. Like I did at the Monkey Firm.
I keep trying to tell myself I’ll get there eventually. All in good time. But, well, I’m a rather impatient woman and ‘eventually’ is really not one of my favorite words. ( Not like incidentally.)
And today, at long last, was pay day. I didn’t get to take time for lunch today, but I sure as hell took five minutes to deposit my paycheck (direct deposit hasn’t kicked in) at the Fleet down the block. I, personally, have never seen a paycheck that big. And perhaps that’s one of the reasons I feel insecure about my work performance. The check was twice what I was making a year ago, but I don’t feel like I’m twice as smart or doing work twice the caliber. So, minus an explanation, I chose to feel like a complete waste of corner office space.
So, anyway, now that the stomach knot has decided to shrink a bit, there seems to be room in there for some chocolate chip cookies. And I’m feeling adventurous. Let’s see what it’s like to bake in the Smallest Kitchen God Ever Made.
I'm in week 4 at my new job.
I got my 2nd paycheck this week. It was less than the first, which I thought was low because an automatic 401k contribution was taken out pre-paystub, but now after this recent additional hit, I still see no 401k balance.
Hmm. Paystub tomorrow better contain answers.
I too worry that I oversold myself when task after task is heaped in front of me in the fastest-paced environment I've ever been in. I went from having 2-6 weeks to do a project on my own to an afternoon to get a task done that will be included in a weekly update. I'm now responsible for making those updates live too, btw. I also worry that I don't put in enough hours, even though I'm typically there from 9:00 til after 6:00, sometimes 7:00, working straight through the day with nary a personal email or IM conversation, which is a whole 'nother change to get used to.
But half my tasks are testing things that I can't even compare to a previous version firsthand or debugging something that someone else wrote. I, as I'm sure you are, seem to not only be on top of everything in front of me, but doing so expeditiously too.
So keep kicking ass, smiling and going through the motions, and soon enough it'll feel routine.
And congrats on so many big steps in so little time.
Posted by: Mark at April 15, 2004 08:28 PMGreat job with your...uh...job. I didn't plan that out very well.
Posted by: Smitty at April 15, 2004 11:28 PMLast week, I was totally convinced I had adult ADD. I know your pain.
Posted by: Brenda at April 16, 2004 01:57 AMI definately feel like I've developed ADD in my old age.
And you must come over one of these day, for nothing else other than proof that your kitchen cannot possibly be smaller than mine. Ask Ari if you don't believe me.
Posted by: dahl at April 16, 2004 08:29 AMSilly girl, questioning her worth simply b/c someone else so clearly does not! Oh, to have problems like overly large paychecks. ;-) Seriously, have some cookies. Sounds like you've earned 'em this week.
Posted by: bond girl at April 16, 2004 09:50 AMLet me finally say it.
If your writing is any indication, and I am sure one's written thoughts are a mirror of a person, of whom you are? This is what I conclude: You are intelligent, thoughtful, creative, self aware, witty, normally neurotic (to the point of showing you possess a soul) and ambitious (just enough to police your own job and make sure you do the best you can at whatever you do, not in a “driven” soulless business person sort of way)
If my thoughts were approaching such caliber I would not keep my blog in the shadows.
I salute you with a double chocolate chip!