Moving to New York has been a bit like reliving my adolescence. I mean this in more specific terms than just the simple fact that my adolescence was all about moving. Four schools in five years, I wasn’t in any sort of permanent situation until I was almost 15.
I feel like in the last two months that I’ve been here, I have revisited a lot of the same phenomenon that accompanied any adolescence, whether you were a modern nomad or you’d lived in the same neighborhood your entire life.
Very much like my teen years, my new situation has been all about establishing – establishing who I am, working out an identity that complements my personality and trying on different attitudes the way I’d try on different swim suits before finding one that left me confident enough not to hide behind board shorts or a sarong. It’s been about establishing my peer group (only this time around, much less about fitting in and more about simply joining in). It’s been about discovering and testing my limits, and the limits I allow other people.
It’s been about setting and pushing my own agenda. And maybe pushing too hard or in the wrong direction. There are lessons to be learned.
Perhaps because I have been so caught up in what would (in your average, already-functional social construct) be considered peripheral, my pursuits and activities seem a bit flighty or, as one of yesterday’s commenter criticized, too happy and shallow.
Happy is a bad thing?
I am going to preface my response to that with a bit of back story: When I was a teenager, and excited about something silly (like being invited to Jennifer Lammert’s house for my first real friend activity in a new city), and gushed about it at the dining room table that night, my mother would prop her elbows up on the table, lean her head to one side and say, “Et alors?” That is to say, “So what?”
My excitement was almost as intolerable as my later-developed outward apathy.
Here I am, ten years later, caught up in a whirlwind of new playmates, new experiences and, above all else, new happiness. And if, as one reader asked, I have taken anything from my past to apply to my future, it is this:
There is no fucking “et alors” to being happy or excited.
Taking life less seriously is youthful. Taking it for granted? That’s just childish.
Whether it's shoes or sushi it's exciting to be excited about something. It doesn't have to be any deeper than that- reliving adolescence is something more people should do.
Posted by: SR at May 28, 2004 09:51 AMIt always really chaps my ass when a commenter criticizes a journaler for what they choose to write about. It's YOUR page....and that's that. Boo I say.
And congrats on your happiness.
Well said. Happiness is where you find it!
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at May 28, 2004 10:29 AMDamn joy smushers! To heck with them, I say!
Posted by: Vicki at May 28, 2004 10:38 AMSeriously, I think it takes maturity to be happy in this crazy world. Angst is for people who haven't figured that out yet!
Posted by: shakeit at May 28, 2004 10:39 AMOh god - all I can say is greetings to all of you from the alternate universe of Shallow Happy Girl Land. I live there. I blog it. I love it. Where else can I talk about purses, shopping, shoes, my hair, buying shoes, but on my own blog?
Fish, we are living in similar worlds. Don't change!
Posted by: Erin at May 28, 2004 12:38 PMIt hasn't all been shoes and sushi - there was the missing post-it panic, the crying in the bathroom at work and those first lonely nights, not to mention the mysterious pain which troubled us all.
But I think the phenomenon here is that happiness is much less "share-able" over the web - you just have to be there - whereas the difficulties of life are inner-directed and somehow are easier to communicate and receive over the web. And it's also what more people look to other people for - someone to tell them it's not just their life that's hell; everyone goes through it.
Interestingly enough, this is an example of that in a way: the way that - regardless of how good things are going - one person, anonymous or blood relative, can derail the whole process by questioning our value(s). And the way that people react to defend you or cheer you up is an example of that support we are looking to get and to give to each other.
Posted by: Michael R at May 28, 2004 12:58 PMShoes, bicycles, shushi, parents, jerks: all part of life. Isn't a blog about life? Thanks for the eloquence Fish.
Posted by: Coelecanth at May 28, 2004 12:59 PMAh the "haters" are always out there. If someone doesn't like the happy Fish, they can go find a cranky blog to read. I am glad you're happy, for one.
But this is also the reason why I myself no longer write poetry. Back in the day when I was miserable, I could write good old, Anne Sexton-esque, "I am miserable and sad and there's this metaphor for it" poetry. Nowadays, it's all either about writing poetry (which is a baaaaad poem) or about being happy. And not very many metaphors for "being happy" make other people like your poems. You'll never get elected "poet laureate" for "wow. what a great day this is!!!"
But then, think of the fate of all those miserable, good writers. Suicide. Death from alcoholism. Suicide.
I'll take happy old age, please. Insert non-sequitur here: "Cake or death!"
Posted by: Kim at May 28, 2004 01:30 PMI will make an attempt at a translation: happy=jealousy aka happier than me, shallow=not telling about making out in the back of cabs and other amorous adventures
Posted by: earlyseagull at May 28, 2004 01:32 PMWell said, Fish.
'Nuff said.
i'm afraid i may have prodded blur on as his comment was directed at you but to me. i thinks that's called passive aggresive. and that is really exciting. good with that blur.
Posted by: hub at May 28, 2004 03:25 PMFish, you're good to go by me. I think you pretty much have it together. The rest will just happen when it's time.
Posted by: Michael at May 28, 2004 03:29 PMHazaa to you fish.
And as Calvin said:
"Mean people suck." That includes people who don't like your happiness.
I like where you are.
Posted by: Jonathan at May 28, 2004 04:11 PMGood lord. I thought only 15-year-old goth kids wanted everything to be dark. The notion that only negatives are worth writing about and that everyday joys aren't interesting enough is, well, a pretty shallow one.
Posted by: Tracy at May 28, 2004 04:18 PMSo here's what I'VE learned, as a faithful reader of blogs, but a non blogger myself: If I read a negative comment on one of my favorite blogs (yours included), I sometimes click on the name to take a gander at THEIR writing. (Negative person.) Yup, sure enough it's almost always the kind of writing that seems very self-important and not at all interesting to read. As a person who likes to read other "stories" about life, I say, thanks for letting me re-live my 20's with your words. I'm cheering for you! You inspire me and make me feel younger!
Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2004 04:59 PMYou go Fish. I agree with every word you wrote.
Posted by: Kyren at May 29, 2004 03:56 AMlovely, fish.
Posted by: shana at May 29, 2004 09:57 PMThat last bit is going to be printed out and posted on the top o' my computer. Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: Lauren at June 1, 2004 11:23 AM