On Monday night, I found myself staring down a big writing deadline and a pint of Hagen Daas. Not surprisingly, one of the two was much easier to tackle. The Dulce de leche gave me far less resistance.
Lately, it seems, I’ve been allowing even simple stresses to get to me. The writing deadline gave me actual hives. Hives! Itchy and puffy, I looked like I’d been stung by bees.
I’ve also been fighting off some fairly overwhelming bouts of insecurity. Suddenly, I can’t seem to turn off the nagging voice inside my head that screams, “Do better! Try harder! Be more!” That voice has been quiet for an awfully long time. But yet, for whatever reason, the sock that got stuffed in its mouth has been spat out, and here I am with hives.
Talking with my celebrity stalking cohort yesterday, her persistent “why do you think that is” led me to voice a couple of conclusions I’d already been entertaining.
H: I think a lot of it has to do with new York… it’s just a bigger pool of successful people to compare myself to. Some of it also has to do with being offered some really great opportunities and not feeling like I may not be capable of delivering on them. I feel like it's somehow a measure of my worthiness.
J: You need to let yourself relax.
H: What is this, “relax” of which you speak?
J: I think it’s spelled, W I N E.
And indeed, it was. A night out with the Tribe, celebrating the Little Owl’s birthday, was anything but hive-inducing and I love being reminded just how great my friends are. The wine was great, too.
Just to remind you: You were 25 and the big New York City firm wanted YOU. The President was impressed by YOU. You have done pretty damn well for yourself in such a short time so you deserve a bit of leeway. But I can see how a "rat-racier" city could bring out the "treading water" feeling.
Posted by: Michael R at September 1, 2004 02:11 PMI guess I have to admit to being a lurker, ne'er a commenter.. but I had to share - there was an opinions piece in the NYTimes yesterday about first moving to NY, maybe it'll resonate with you.
Posted by: jacinthe at September 1, 2004 06:11 PM