The clouds are moving quickly over the New York City skyline this morning. The season is rapidly changing. It's time for me to cut to the chase.
I didn't volunteer for this week's guest edit to gloat, or flaunt, or be cheeky about the last year. It hasn't been my best. People have been hurt, tears have been shed, and hearts have been bruised. Of this I am neither proud, nor dismissive.
I volunteered, I think, to clear the air. To own my mistakes.
That Heather has found forgiveness in her heart is beyond me. That through repeated disappointments she should remain my friend is bigger than me. I know neither her secret, nor her motive. I just know that she has, and that she is.
I've learned a little something through it all, though. Just as I've learned something over the course of this week's assignment. Which neither diminishes nor ameliorates the pain I've caused.
I have been careless, short sighted and selfish. I have let my addiction to external affirmation -- to being loved -- overshadow the ramifications of my behavior.
And for that, I am sorry.
It crystallized at the REM show last night. Michael, who was at a loss for intra-song banter, sang:
It's easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my proud
And so it is. And so I do. And so I have.
I have a new record coming out in a few weeks. It's called "Love & Other Indoor Games." It occurs to me now that I know nothing of the subject. Not that I'll stop trying to learn, and to love.
And so, head in hands, I return you to your regularly scheduled program.
Good night, and Godspeed.
Posted by at November 5, 2004 10:34 AMSo was this entry not suppose to be "My Friend Fish" as you mentioned yesterday? Either way, thank you for sharing your words with us. It was beautiful.
Posted by: Carrie at November 5, 2004 12:44 PMYes, today was supposed to be "My Friend Fish." But I saw no need to bring you all along the roller coaster anymore. You know how it ends. So I cut to the chase.
Posted by: Benjamin at November 5, 2004 12:48 PMBenjamin, I've been reading your site before this week and loving your music and writing for a little while. But this week's guest role made me really LIKE YOU. Are we girls too self-loathing? Or does your dicslosure indicate a desire to change?
Posted by: friend at November 5, 2004 01:06 PMMy discloser -- a thousand times more honest than anything I would ever post on my own site -- reflects more than a desire to change. Change is imperative. I'm likable, sure, and human, and flawed, and fucked up. And I won't stop trying to get it right.
Posted by: Benjamin at November 5, 2004 01:09 PMBenjamin: That was beautiful. So honest. So humble. You obviously are lucky to have Heather as a friend, but I believe she is also so very lucky to call you friend.
Posted by: Stephanie at November 5, 2004 03:38 PMI think the roller coaster would have been great, as you tell the story beautifully, but this was a good way to end it as well. :)
Posted by: Carrie at November 5, 2004 04:06 PMi think i know why fish chose to stay friends with you, and i can't quite explain it in words, just as you probably know that sometimes words fail us... but i've been in a similar situation (in fact, am one right now) and have chosen to remain friends with someone who has, despite the hurt he has caused, is too precious in my life to let go. Either way, you have an amazing friend in her. That you realized that and are willing to own up to some of the things you've done that hurt her, is amazing and huge and very courageous. not many will do that...
Posted by: writersbloc gal at November 5, 2004 04:07 PMThe ego factor is more than a bit of a turn off, but whatever. These posts don't diminish Fish, though her taste in men could use some improvement. You guys appear to be shallow.
Posted by: Katherine at November 5, 2004 04:28 PMWhat a typical man you are and what typical women we are... You admit to being a terrible cad and we love you for it and tell you that you are a great guy...
Posted by: Margot at November 5, 2004 04:31 PMmy thought is not "what a creep Benjamin is, and how long-suffering Fish is", but how human we all are, and yeah, this story illustrated it well in its beauty and darkness. I'm hopeful for you both, B & H. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: pinkroo at November 5, 2004 04:44 PMI rather enjoyed your time in the guest editor's slot. Your perspectives on life make for fascinating reading, and I hope we hear more from you soon.
Where will we be able to buy your record?
Posted by: Carmi at November 5, 2004 05:02 PMThanks, Benjamin! Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
There are ample opportunities to learn and to love in this world so Godspeed to you in both endeavors.
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at November 5, 2004 05:17 PMWait till fish comes home to this!
Good luck on all fronts
Posted by: B at November 5, 2004 11:32 PMWhoa! Where'd the Fish go!!???
Posted by: Jager at November 6, 2004 05:58 AMAw, shame you're abdicating your fill-in role Ben - has been fascinating reading.
Posted by: racheblue at November 6, 2004 01:16 PMyes, admittedly i am a little disgruntled -- especially since i've been reading these posts and thinking the Fish wrote them! eeek!
Posted by: Jager at November 7, 2004 12:13 AMI've enjoyed reading Benjamin's view. It makes me wonder how my ex would write about our relationship.
My ex and I are friendly again now. We tried to stay friends after the initial break-up, but that ended when I found out some stuff that had been happening that he hadn't told me about. We didn't talk for about a year, of which 3 months was me and 9 months was him and his new girlfriend. Then I went overseas and when I got back, they'd broken up and he was being friendly again.
It's still a little awkward, and there are some trust issues, but it's definitely friendly.
That said, I'd never let him even READ my blog, let alone guest on it! ;o)
- OLS
Posted by: OLS at November 9, 2004 01:20 AM