My siblings are all very capable people. Like my father, they possess some genetic gift that allows them to save the day by doing insanely creative things like, temporarily replacing a broken freezer part with a Lego. Voila! The ice-maker cometh!
I did not get this gift. While I know a lot of stuff (I remember everything I read, or hear, or see on television) and make a mean Trivial Pursuit adversary, putting that knowledge to use has always been somewhat… problematic. It’s a flawed system. Take car maintenance, for instance. In college, my sister and I drove a sad, sad excuse for an automobile we named Mahana, You Ugly. One night, when Mahana wouldn’t start, and it was determined the battery was to blame, my Wheel of Knowledge started spinning.
“Could be because of the corrosion on the terminals,” I offered. “We need Coke and a toothbrush.”
The soda and toothbrush were retrieved from our apartment. My sister propped the hood up on the thingy (see? Thingy. This is how it works with me.) and stood back, implying I was to go ahead with the procedure.
“Dude, I don’t know what to do.”
“But you said…”
“Yeah, I said, but that’s only cause that’s what I read somewhere.”
“You’re a tard.”
“Shut up and clean the terminals.”
“Do you even know what a terminal is?”
“Probably that part right there with all the gunk on it.”
The part with the gunk was cleaned, and the car started.
I’m a creative girl. An idea person. I can’t be expected to do it all. My brother, the handiest among us, is coming to stay with me over the Christmas holiday. What lies in store for him is a big old to-do list of clever ideas that need implementing.
• Fix the shower (that according to the Super doesn’t leak enough to warrant fixing)
• Caulk the tub (again, not the Super’s priority)
• Install folding shutters between the bedroom and living room.
• Reinstall improperly installed light fixture in the bedroom (I couldn’t reach!)
He’s currently under the impression that our holiday activity list includes things like a Knicks game and ‘learning to speak Brooklyn.' Wait until he hears my plan. He’s gonna be so excited.
Mahana, You Ugly, Get down from that tree!
And then she's like, a 10 cow wife or something, right?
If none of this sounds familiar, please disregard my incoherent morality movie quotations.
Posted by: sonya at December 3, 2004 12:53 PMAHHHHH! I love that you know that!
Johnny Lingo had ten cows
trade them for an ugly wife
Johnny Lingo married now
he be sorry all his life
You're shower head needs a new washer and some insulation along the threads. The rubber thingie that looks like a plugged nickel is a washer, you'll see it when you unscrew the shower head. Pull out the old washer. Put in new Washer. Clean the Threads with a q-tip. Get some plumbers tape wrap it around the threads. And screw the shower head back on. No more leaks and extra water pressure.
Posted by: Rafael at December 3, 2004 03:06 PMOh! I just realized. This was advice wasn't it? GAH! Sorry. Please disregard.
Posted by: Rafael at December 3, 2004 04:29 PMSounds eerily familiar. There was the summer i was going to be a master carpenter, indded a furniture maker. Many books read, many tools purchased.
One trip to the E.R.
Best Regards
Lefty
Posted by: Tony Iovino at December 3, 2004 05:11 PMIn my family, it was my brother Frank, the future engineer, to whom we would turn for stuff like this, inevitably saying, "Let's get Frank! He's mechanical!"
He still is.
Posted by: Lex at December 3, 2004 05:34 PMWonderfully written and sparklingly entertaining blog, my dear. You're making me miss NYC!
Now about this shower, if it's leaking anyway, you may wish to run yourself over to the big, bad 'Bed, Bath and Guhbuh' and plop a $40 on a delcious new showerhead (take it with you when you leave, to hell with your super). Not only will your drips be dry but your bathing experience will have gone from no to yes in two shakes!
Cheers & keep writing!
K~
Don't you just love the folks in your family who LOVE to take initiative!? Like you, I'm the one with the ideas, while my brother and sister implement. My brother's a computer whiz (Me: "Why doesn't my Internet move any faster? This damned thing should be shot! It must be spyware!" Brother: "NO, your computer's five years old! Get a new one...") My sister's a lovable human android with a knack for creating order. (Sister: "Hey how's work?" Me: "It's as it should be. What are you doing?" Sister: "Well, I vacuumed your floor, organized your closet, and you gotta see what I did to your bookshelf..."
Oh, the joys of not being an ONLY CHILD...
Enjoyed the post! Be blessed...
Posted by: Jane at December 3, 2004 11:49 PMIt's times like this that I wish I wasn't an only child. But then again, I have friends who are handy and willing to help out...
Posted by: Keith at December 4, 2004 12:42 AMI have a brother just like that who is coming all the way to France under the same type of false pretenses! You gotta love handy brothers.
Posted by: browniethoughts at December 4, 2004 05:39 AM