It could have been any number of things. Work had been hectic. It was dark and raining. Or it could have been my fault entirely, listening to that old Duncan Sheik album on my commute home. But whatever the reason, by the time I got where I was going, I felt broody and just a little bit bent out of shape.
My mother says I’m an observer of human nature. I do a lot of watching, a lot of speculating and a lot of living inside my own head -- my own little laboratory where I figure people out. I suppose I take for granted that other people do the same: watch, glean, judge. And so when I’m yanked out of the observation booth, dragged out into the light to become the observed, I get a little thrown off.
Perceptive people are refreshing. And challenging.
When I’m feeling challenged, I get thinky. And thinky, plus rain, long days and Duncan Sheik equals me feeling just a little bit bent out of shape -- the remedy for which, as you know, is reality TV. Or not. Because when I got home from dinner and a heartwarming hour of Trading Spouses, I reverted right back to pensive.
“What do you want?” had been the question. Simple enough. But what I realized was, I’d been wrestling with whether my public answer matched my private, inner laboratory answer, or whether I had been spewing complete bullshit.
I wrestled enough that I actually made myself write it down, sort it out and analyze myself the way I do so unapologetically to others. And once I did, I reached the conclusion that my answers were one in the same. I know what I want. Simple enough. But still, I feel a little thrown off.
Self awareness is refreshing. And also pretty challenging.
Another 'in own head liver'... neat. I find I'm the same way. Sometimes I'm so involved in my own thoughts that if someone approaches me and says something, it sounds like complete giberish unless I say, "pardon me?"-- and they actually take the time to repeat themselves.
Great blog, I love your honesty.
Take care :)
Posted by: Josh Garofalo at February 14, 2005 11:53 PMI love meeting perceptive and challenging people. Maybe I'm a little too broody for my age or maybe I'm just very socially available but it's rare for me to meet someone that makes me think.
Posted by: Jack at February 15, 2005 12:37 AMI think this is why i've always appreciated being dumber on average than the, er, average person. It's blissfulness. And perceptive? Oh, i got none of that. I read people like pop-up books. by the way, thank you for the 'construction' post. i comment way less than i'd like on these things.
Posted by: brando at February 15, 2005 12:47 AMSometimes, when I reached the enlightenment you wrote so well about, there is a second hurdle:- should I really want what I really want?
Posted by: BridalBeer at February 15, 2005 01:37 AMbarely breathing is mine and steebie's song. it was on the waffle house and ihop playlist. we always sang along. :) happy valentine's, stupid
Posted by: joyce-face at February 15, 2005 01:55 AMAccording to most psychological theories I have ever read, in combination with my own observations of others and of myself - what one wants is a palimpset of wants - many of them contradictory.
Anyway, what is this I Want I Want I Want.
Whatabout, I Will I Will I Will.
Want - literally means "Lack". So your "Wants" are those things you lack. Perhaps you should be focusing on what you will, rather than what you lack.
Posted by: ilAn at February 15, 2005 02:29 AMWishing you a Happy V-Day and hopes of you getting 'what you want.'
Posted by: Plantation at February 15, 2005 03:14 AMWHAT DO YOU WANT?
The best question ever, all the big life-defining choices rolled into four words and a question mark.
When you finally answer the question, all the little things evaporate and life becomes the journey toward getting what you want - in a lovely ethical fashion of course.
Very Zen.
When you answer the question, you KNOW, just like being in love.
It feels great. Dalai lama's "Ethics for a New Millenium" helps, if that's not too 'advicey'
Posted by: Coomy at February 15, 2005 04:46 AMFish,
I call the little scenarios that play out in my head scripts, and I am constantly scripting situations, scenarios, what people should say...the curse of a writer, I guess. It provides countless hours of amusement for me, though, because I'll watch someone or something and wonder if...wonder what...wonder why...then I'll script it.
Good luck getting what you know you want.
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel Apanewicz at February 15, 2005 08:39 AMI was once stuck in a club with Duncan Sheik in the midst of a hurricane and no power --well me and about 100 other people but I did get to chat with him for a bit. I can't believe how much mileage he has gotten out of Barely Breathing.
Posted by: akaellen at February 15, 2005 09:47 AMThinky, huh? [writing thinky down] I'm gonna start using that word.
Posted by: ccs178 (Chris) at February 15, 2005 09:58 AMI know what I want - I want some chocolate!
(I do try to keep things simple...)
Self awareness is refreshing. And also pretty challenging.
I cannot agree more.
Jens
Yah, so I tried the whole Reality TV bit too. It didn't work so good. Have you ever noticed how bad Television is on Valentines day? It's like they think everyone in the world will be on a date so they don't have to put anything on. I watched a rerun of Conan O'Brian from around Christmas time. Amazingly it was still funny... Conan is awesome!
Posted by: The Cure at February 15, 2005 10:46 AMYou're 80% of the way there.
It wasn't untill I actually *asked* myself what I wanted that I started getting it.
Posted by: helenjane at February 15, 2005 11:07 AMWho asked you the question? Lover, friend, your mom? And what do you want?
Posted by: Noisette at February 15, 2005 12:05 PMThinking can make you crazy...or is that just me?
Posted by: robin alexa at February 15, 2005 12:06 PMwalt whitman said, "the world was not made for those cursed with self awareness." (i think it was whitman)
Posted by: jordana at February 15, 2005 01:50 PMI love that Duncan Sheik album. It got me through my senior year of high school, so that tells you how broody it makes *me*. :)
Posted by: Emily at February 15, 2005 04:13 PMI've been in one of those "thinky" days myself. Today it is not making me feel much better. Blahh!
Just want to let you know I just ordered my This Fish Shirt! Can't wait!
Posted by: Sarah at February 15, 2005 10:54 PM"Thinky" can be good.... I found out that sometimes, figuring out what you want and actually asking for it sometimes gets you what you wanted. Weird how that worked.... Should have tried it sooner and with other stuff I wanted (OK, maybe he still wouldn't have gone out with me, but let me dream!!) :)
Posted by: lawyerchik at February 16, 2005 10:20 AM