March 15, 2005


I had porn hair.

Glancing at my reflection in his mirrored closet doors, I remember thinking, “I have porn hair.” There was really no other way to describe it. I also remember wincing; knowing just what kind of pain and effort was going to be involved in undoing that mess. Friction had not been my friend. I rolled over.

Joe, I have porn hair.
You have porn lots of things.

We lay there, naked as newborn rabbits, staring at the ceiling, my cold foot against his warm calf, his hand resting on my ribcage. Candles flickered against the walls. The recessed lighting he’d installed glowed dimly against chrome hardware. In the ceiling. I looked closer.

That’s some pretty serious hardware for hanging plants.
Mmmmm… not for plants.
You don’t! You have a sex swing?

His hand slid off my stomach. He crawled to the edge of the bed and hung over, dragging a box from its hiding place. He did indeed have a sex swing.

You’re a bad Sex and the City episode!
C’mon! I haven’t even used the thing yet. I just thought it would be fun.

Suddenly, I felt like the prude in wolf’s clothing. Porn hair I could do. But a sex swing? I was not dating a man with a sex swing! And I wasn’t really, because the man who owns a sex swing is not the kind who dates. He is the kind to say, after a month or so, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” I knew it then at that moment. He got up to dress.

Standing in front of the closet, mirrors pushed to one side, his white boxer briefs glowed in stark contrast with his dark skin. On went the uniform. There he stood, a wolf in another sort of clothing altogether. I considered the swing.

My month wasn’t up yet. So I pushed aside the prude and I took him right back out of his uniform. There was no sense in wasting porn hair.

Posted by This Fish at March 15, 2005 12:11 PM

I don't think I could pull off porn hair.

Posted by: JustAgirl at March 15, 2005 12:35 PM

i have naturally curly hair and my hair pretty much always looks like porn hair after a even a teeny bit of friction. and the swing?? - niiice added touch!

Posted by: red at March 15, 2005 01:13 PM

I'm sorry, I still don't understand. How does it work? You don't need to get too graphic, but- do you both swing on it at the same time? And have sex? I'm having trouble getting my head around this.

Posted by: Noisette at March 15, 2005 01:18 PM

It is in a situation such as this that Google is perhaps the best teacher.

Posted by: Fish at March 15, 2005 01:23 PM

Hah, that's great! Hey, if Samantha could pull it off, you sure's hell can! *fade out with... "baum baum chica baum baum"......*

Posted by: Jennifer at March 15, 2005 01:25 PM

Sage advice. I'm not sure googling "sex swing" at work is the best idea, though...

Posted by: Noisette at March 15, 2005 01:33 PM

OH my...I do believe I'm blushing. Porn hair is the greatest. Its the next best thing to a ciggarette after sex. A wonderful reward to say the least.
The sex swing? Oh my. Dont think I could swing it!

Posted by: Jasika at March 15, 2005 01:40 PM

what's porn hair? seriously.

Posted by: dude at March 15, 2005 01:48 PM

I find it interesting that you saw the handwritting on the wall but were able to enjoy the wall paper too. Is that like you? I think you had a opportunity to live a little and you grabbed it (no pun). So cheers to that.

Posted by: Jerome Q. Wallrustitty at March 15, 2005 02:13 PM

And that's why I read this blog. This fish is like a box of chocolates; sometimes you get the sweet milk chocolate your grandmother would give you and others, you get that sinful, dark cream-filled variety.

Absolutely unfreakingbelievable in a "good job seizing the moment" sort of way, Fish. AND you wrote this post at work? :)

Posted by: Aeriale at March 15, 2005 02:26 PM

haha, way to 'swing' for the fences

Posted by: ak at March 15, 2005 02:43 PM

ohhhhh dude, what a post!

Posted by: julia at March 15, 2005 02:44 PM

I swear porn hair gives you self confidence you would NEVER have with normal, going-about-your-daily-business hair. It's got, like, superpowers, to get you into every conceivable sex position without a second thought about how your ass will look.

Posted by: adrianne at March 15, 2005 02:45 PM

okay, so i'm a spelling nazi... couldn't figure out what "not the KID who dates" meant. i think it actually meant "not the KIND who dates." now i understand.

Posted by: RazDreams at March 15, 2005 04:23 PM

Created by flickering candles, an image pops into my mind. On a bedroom wall, it's the silhouette of a man and woman in a sex swing.

Posted by: MsOktober at March 15, 2005 05:04 PM

I think it's only fair to warn you that your website is now coming up #3 in Google when you search for "sex swing."

Posted by: Sarah at March 15, 2005 05:34 PM

in about 10 years you'll realize there are other things to write about besides men and sex. or can't you transcend these two categories?

Posted by: summer at March 15, 2005 06:55 PM

You're clearly new here, Summer. We could talk about my cervix, if you like. That's topical. Lessee, the other day, the topic was grad school, and before that, the meaning of life. I'd say you're a fairly talented selective reader. Good on ya though. While you're working on reading more thoroughly, I'll work on the transcendence thing. Deal?

Posted by: Fish at March 15, 2005 07:00 PM

...and don't forget the post about running shoes (unless that was a metaphor for men and/or sex).

Posted by: Jen at March 15, 2005 07:38 PM

Hi Heather! I'm new here, but I know you write about more than just men and sex. I apologize on behalf of said This Fish Newbie, please disregard her comment and don't hold it against the rest of us! ;)

By the way, does your mom read this? My mom would have 'Cause of Death: Embarassment' written on her death certificate if I wrote about my sex life in my blog! (Or even if I put the word 'sex' in my blog... or even if the letters 'S', 'E' and 'X' all appeared in the same posting!)

Posted by: lindsay at March 15, 2005 10:12 PM

i think if i read this blog more often i'd turn into a pillar of something pink and fluffy.

Posted by: summer at March 15, 2005 10:39 PM

Am I the only one who thought "porn hair" meant completely bare down there?

Posted by: blooma at March 15, 2005 10:53 PM

Ditto with red. I have very long curls, mine is not a bad hair day, it's a bad hair life. I live with permanent porn hair (my friends call it JFL -Just f***** look. Great.)

I have learned to slick it down when it's wet and it stays controlled then I have the illusion of a groomed woman. ;)

Posted by: AdventureGirl at March 15, 2005 11:41 PM

u know.. i dont get this hate mail/comment thing. blogs r online personal journals. u write it for urself, random ppl from all over the world reading it is just incidental. if u find someone's blogging offensive/uninteresting, click elsewhere. it IS as simple as that.

Posted by: the other side of the rainbow at March 16, 2005 12:13 AM

Hi Fish!

Is porn hair the same thing as a "fuck knot"?? (Lovely subtle Aussie term). You know, that attractive birds-nest type of arrangement, sometimes with bits of lint entwined?? I am thinking yes! hehehe!

Great site! Cheers!

Posted by: Nic at March 16, 2005 12:25 AM

Porn hair AND a sawinggg!
whoo hooo and it's ONLY Wednesday!

Posted by: Sheryl at March 16, 2005 03:44 AM

HAHA!!! Everyone kept asking about the porn swing, what an answer!!! Great post, you have been on top form these days...

Posted by: elise at March 16, 2005 04:28 AM

LOL!!! I can't stop laughing at Nic's comment on "fcuk knot" That is too funny. As for the sex swing.... my initial thought would be "horrified"...but I would no doubt warm up to it! ;)

Just so you know this busty blogger is sporting her new pink "this fish" baby tee-tas...ermmm.. Baby t-shirt, in London! I give the Queen 1 week before she is ordering herself one to match her easter hat.

Posted by: Island Girl at March 16, 2005 07:31 AM

Yee-haw, Heather! Or maybe I should say WEEEE!

Okay, so not that I did extensive research or anything, but I may have seen this one photo (on the second site that comes up with google) where HOLY SHIT THAT LADY HAS THE LONGEST HAIR I'VE EVER SEEN. And she is clearly a swing professional (Just look at her! So comfortable!)

I would hate to see her hair in a fcuk knot.

Posted by: Coquette at March 16, 2005 08:27 AM

I'm just loving the phrase "friction had not been my friend." It conjures up memories of carpet burns and such like, as well as porn hair.

I really wish my mum/partner didn't read my blog sometimes. The stories which are going to waste...

Posted by: petite at March 16, 2005 08:34 AM

lol, nice blog you have here!
Thanks :-)

Posted by: Gunnar at March 16, 2005 09:31 AM

great! now i need a cigarette.

Posted by: ropedancer at March 16, 2005 09:57 AM

DUDE! (40-year-old woman attempting to throw some rock-n-roll hand signal things at you) You rawk.

Posted by: laura at March 16, 2005 10:29 AM

Sweetie... is it your health that you are worried about?

Posted by: AdventureGirl at March 16, 2005 09:58 PM

I hope whatever's got you down gets better soon! You've got a lot of really great things going on in your life, and a lot of really great people too. Here's wishing you happiness!

Posted by: atpanda at March 16, 2005 10:23 PM

As someone who has been on of a sex swing (or sling depending on your terminology) you have no idea what you're missing...LOL...let's just say for one position it takes a lot of pressure off your back and for the otehr you can make sure you get the exact height you need...

Posted by: Brian, the 646guy at March 16, 2005 11:52 PM

Hope everything is ok over there...

Posted by: elise at March 17, 2005 05:30 AM

o.k. all you ladies with the long curly hell...any hair...well, mmmm pornable hair- party at my place. i'll pick up a few "swings" from ebay. EEwwwww....used sex swings? nevermind. i'll buy some lotion and a cosmo at the grocery store.
(ron-daydreaming at work)

Posted by: pettit at March 17, 2005 10:12 AM

hahaha! you are my hero! my god. ..wonder how much those things cost. ..I afraid to google, but I guess I will.

also, got my shirt, looks fabulous, will send pictures soon. :)

Posted by: lauren at March 17, 2005 07:23 PM

Dude, I'm buying a sex swing!

Posted by: dantam at March 18, 2005 03:56 PM

I want one! it sounds way cooler than my fitness ball that isn't exactly used for fitness...

Posted by: Marie at March 19, 2005 12:25 PM

It's one of supreme ironies of the modern world that in countries like Pakistan a woman who loses her virginity is unmarriagable and may be killed by her male relatives for bringing dishonor on her family while in the west men and women casually discuss the merits of the sex swing.

In case you feel behind in this brave new world you can always go to and read up so the next time sex swings or g-rings come up in casual conversation you can intelligently comment.

Posted by: Duchamp at March 26, 2005 02:39 PM

The aforementioned hairstyle is something my friends and I like to describe as "shag tats".

Posted by: jose at March 27, 2005 05:28 PM