We used to go on our Target Dates on Saturday afternoons. But when we started feeling an irrational and overpowering hatred for our fellow man and his offspring, Sarah and I decided it’d be best to do our discount department store bonding on weeknights.
While the lines were still long enough to catch up on pages and pages of glossy tabloid bile (I was, quite honestly, pretty damn curious as to why Charlie and Denise Richards split up), it seemed that the number of screeching children was down. Mostly.
There was still the kid throwing a tantrum because his mother wouldn’t let him ride under the shopping cart. (The mean-spirited part of me says she shoulda let him; experience is a good teaching tool.) And the little imp whose piercing cries sounded something like a Velociraptor’s right before it ripped someone’s flesh off. (One of our Executive Vice Presidents makes that noise. I shouldn’t have to hear it outside of work. Ever.)
Thankfully, though, for every obnoxious rug rat that made government subsidized birth control seem like a really good idea, Sarah and I encountered as least as many squishy-cheeked, giggly, pink-moccasin-wearing absolutely delicious babies. Oh my god, the cheeks. And the cuteness.
At one point Sarah stopped in the middle of the aisle, scrunched up her face and said,
“I just want to eat them!”
I had to laugh. It was so true. Not that either of us actually wanted to consume babies, but there really is no better way to describe that impulsive, genetic baby-love feeling. You do just want to eat them. It’s pretty overwhelming. But then so is the urge to give them right back to their mothers when all that Johnson’s Baby smell wears off and there’s diapers to be dealt with.
I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment.
aahhh, yes, eating babies. it was always my mother's favorite past-time to bite baby butts. i think that every woman goes through that phase.. pinching, squeezing, eating little babies.
...
wow, that sounds really weird when written out.
Posted by: gleek at March 23, 2005 03:40 PMBabies are great. But once they can walk and talk, it's time to trade them in on quieter models.
Posted by: Robert at March 23, 2005 03:41 PMAre you kidding?! The littlest ones have surprising lung capacities.
Posted by: Fish at March 23, 2005 03:45 PMmethinks i'd rather have my baby screaming nonsense to me than have him screaming hate words and vile teenage-speak. but, then again, they're pretty much one-and-the-same, i suppose... ;-)
Posted by: RazDreams at March 23, 2005 03:54 PMoooh, i think that kids are so cute once they start to speak and string words together into sentences. it's amazing to see them learn. but yes, they do have amazing lung capacities. most parents still need to learn the whole put-some-muffler-into-mouth technique when the child starts to scream.
Posted by: gleek at March 23, 2005 04:23 PMI love that you are familiar with Swift. The piece came to mind right when I saw the title of your post.
Yum.
Posted by: Rebecca at March 23, 2005 04:26 PMTick, tock, tick, tock.
Posted by: Frankenstein at March 23, 2005 04:36 PMMy mom still likes to bite my cheek and I am 24. Some parents just don't grow out of that. :)
Posted by: Jen at March 23, 2005 04:44 PMLOL...yep that's about all I've got to say on that one :) Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: Ashleigh at March 23, 2005 05:26 PMMy fiance and I get odd looks for quoting Eddie Izzard: "Babies taste of chicken. And chickens taste of human."
We also like: "Do you have a flag?"
Both with the accent, of course!
Love him! Eddie that is. Fiance is wonderful too.
Posted by: sunshine(kvb) at March 23, 2005 08:04 PMUm, I was typing my comment as "eddie" up there was. I'm assuming Fish knows all about Eddie Izzard's funny line and if she didn't, well then great minds think alike.
Posted by: sunshine(kvb) at March 23, 2005 08:11 PMI feel exactly that way about children. I will see one that I totally want to eat and my clock goes into overdrive. Then in the next aisle I will see a little shit screaming at the top of his lungs and my clock will stop dead in it's tracks.
Posted by: Sarah at March 23, 2005 10:26 PMoh i want to eat them, too. leta is a good one for eating, methinks. she is so yummy.
Posted by: red at March 23, 2005 10:47 PMHave you noticed how incredibly smart babies are? They find the child-bearing-age women around them and then actually *flirt* with you! Nature is one suave set of pick-up lines...
Posted by: McAuliflower at March 23, 2005 11:09 PMHi, I just ran across your site this morning... good stuff! Just wondering, I read an entry in January about an audition with NPR -- how did that pan out?
Posted by: Beth at March 24, 2005 01:56 AMOh, I love babies alright, but I love freedom more! ;)
Posted by: AdventureGirl at March 24, 2005 08:27 AMHi Beth,
It wasn't an autition; they interviewed me for a program they were doing. You find a link to it at the right. "The United States of Dating." Be warned, it's sorta... dramatic.
Posted by: Fish at March 24, 2005 08:54 AMAmen, sister! No babies for this girl (At least not in the near future), cute though they may be.
Posted by: Vanessa at March 24, 2005 09:24 AMI heard Denise threw Charlie out because he spent all his time in the basement gambling online.
I have no comment on babies, except to say they make me itchy.
Posted by: tanya at March 24, 2005 10:19 AMRelated but sick:
www.eatbabies.com/index.html
I'm still trying to figure out exactly when my cute, adorable, cuddly baby turned into a whining, walking, little toddler.... I'm afraid of what I will wake up to next. But I do still love the little rugrat!
Posted by: Jules at March 24, 2005 11:45 AMI'm so afraid to click on that "consume babies" link.
Posted by: julia at March 24, 2005 12:28 PMRebecca, I totally love swift too! Maybe one day soon Fishie will get a "Modest Proposal" of her own, if you know what i mean. fingers crossed :)
Posted by: Dawn at March 24, 2005 02:03 PMWTF is that supposed to even MEAN?
Posted by: Fish at March 24, 2005 02:15 PMI just have a quick question ( i love your site btw! i read it quite regulary and your writing as well as yourself are quite lovely!) - which Target do you go to? I live in Manhattan and for the LIFE of me cannot figure out how to get to one!
*sigh*
How I do miss Target . . .
~misty
Posted by: misty at March 24, 2005 02:22 PMFish -
I wasn't altogether sure I was ready for that commitment either... although 10 months ago I experienced it. And still unsure, I hesitantly approached the first diaper, the first bath, the first time he dumped an entire bowl of baby food carrots over his head and on my new shirt. And funny enough, you grow to love the commitment, or else the commitment just grows to be such a part of you you don't realize how it has taken over your life. I wasn't sure I was ready, and now I know one can never be ready for the great joy these bundles bring.
Posted by: Natalie at March 24, 2005 03:32 PMhttp://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html
Posted by: Dawn at March 24, 2005 04:30 PMYes, Dawn, I link to the very same essay in the above-post. I still don't know what you're getting at...
Posted by: Fish at March 24, 2005 04:33 PMfor some reason, i've always said, "That baby is so cute, i want to eat it."
i'm not even sure what it means...because obviously i really don't want to make a meal out of the kid...but for some reason, it always sounds just about right :)
Posted by: ali at March 24, 2005 05:21 PMOh yes ... stay away from Target on weekend afternoons. And the mall, for that matter.
There's nothing worse than having an unwatched 3-year-old actually crawl under your fitting room door while you're half-naked only to exclaim, "Mommy! There's a naked girl in here!!!"
Yes, it happened. To me, of course.
Posted by: Stacey at March 24, 2005 08:48 PMI had to restrain myself from nibbling on the babe because he started biting back! But you brought to mind tonight the line from Where the Wild Things Are: "Please don't go! We'll eat you up, we love you so!" And I do. And you will. When it's time.
Posted by: Jennifer at March 24, 2005 11:28 PMmy fave baby moment was when my son (3 years old at the time) crawled under a partition and said "MOM!!!! this lady has 4 titties!!!!!" I wanted to die! grrrr..it is much better being an auntie! spoil them, kiss em, hug em, bite their bums and send them home hyper!!
Love your site! I especially love the tee shirt! yep got one! I'll be the envy of the 'hood. hehehe
I have always thought people saying ''I just want to eat him/her!'' was CREEPY. I hated hearing that about my child. Keep your grubby teeth off my kid, thanks all the same. Or even worse when people would say, ''I just want to take you home with me'' Hi, that's MY baby you are talking to. CREEPY.
Posted by: Toryssa at March 25, 2005 10:52 AMHi
Just wanna say that your Blog is great... Very funny post, although I really can't stand babies... honestly... worse are only three-year-olds... ;-)
Matthias
Posted by: Matthias at March 25, 2005 07:07 PMwhile i lack any maternal tendencies toward those blessedly dear screaming children, i admit that i have a tendency to attempt to eat my fuzzy pear-shaped rodent... because she's just that unbearably cute!
chinchilla ears are particularly good for that mothering-type nibbling.
trust me!
Posted by: juicynewf at March 25, 2005 07:10 PMAh yes. I had a math teacher in high school who went off on some tangent (haha) while speaking to us, per usual. His theory about why babies are cute: so we *don't* kill them, eat them, whatever.
Sometimes I think he has a point. Especially after listening to that whole velocirapotr scream....gah!
Posted by: les yeux de la tete at March 25, 2005 08:26 PMYes, I fully understand thats why one of my girlfriends and I came up with the brilliant idea of "Rent a Baby"...you hang out with it as long as you want and then when it gets a tad overwhelming,smelly or LOUD ...you give it back!!!! See? Kind of like daycare....except at your leisure! heh? heh? Brilliant!
Posted by: Jasika at March 26, 2005 10:34 AMBaby thighs are yummy! When my little one went through his all-too-brief period of chubbiness, I could not stop biting his thighs.
Heaven. That and the smell of the tops of their heads.
Posted by: Megan at March 26, 2005 11:32 AMhow bout you just take mine for the weekend? ill send you pictures first and if you like em I can pay you for your time.
Posted by: anonymous at March 29, 2005 12:14 AM