This Fish Needs A Bicycle

I will be a NYC tourist at the end of the month along with two of my friends. I will make sure to cancel the order on the matching t-shirts asap! But fanny packs are still ok, right?

Amen.
I'm with you on this one.
I was just talking with someone yesterday about the tourists who walk slowly and wear matching T-shirts and go to the Hard Rock Cafe.

While waiting for the 4 train at grand central, I once watched a tourist family try to take a picture next to one of the tiled "Grand Central Station" signs on the platform for 15 minutes during the evening commute. They gave up in vain as they realized people just weren't going to stop walking in from of the camera long enough for them to get the shot.

Priceless. They were probably from Wisconsin.

You have just written the de rigeur nyc blogger tourist hating post. I'm not sure you've earned it yet though.

Attention tourists: you have to pay for the refills, too.

You have so hit the nail on the head. I grew up in a small town...and the Dairy Queen was literally the only place to hang out.

Needless to say, I left as soon as I could..Thanks for the laugh!

ah, tourist season. around here they don't so much wear matching ensembles (that I've noticed) but do tend to drive ridiculously slow, watching the mountains. (did they move?)
pull-over already, take a pictures of them, and then drive along like you do in your own state, ignoring everything and everyone. and try, try to follow the simple sign that says ONE WAY.

Don't feel bad about how you treat tourists. I live in the country, and we're far worse. We don't get many tourists out here, but when we do, we actually eat them. Serious.(Well, Alex does anyway...)

I was once a New York tourist, but screw it im from jersey. We can keep up the pace... or pretend to at least. Fish, ease up on the country folk, you could learn something from them you know. represent! you live in one of the coolest cities in the world, embrace it... bust out that "I love NY" tee. You know you want to.

Tourists? I never see any tourists. I see plenty of tourons though.

I took my family on vacation to DC last month, and I was jealous of those families with the matching T-shirts.

They actually make matching t-shirts like that for themselves? I'm a little shocked. It seems...unhealthy.
And tell your friend that web footed babies are ok. I've got a friend with web feet and she's ace!

Maybe the blonde Johnson actually was just jealous of your snazzy and non-chalant observation stance.

Tourists in Minneapolis actually blend in pretty easily. We're all a little dorky here, and Mpls. is not really a destination worthy of a t-shirt. Until you get to the Mall of America. But then, you can have family t-shirts made when you get there. With all the little stars and stripes you want.

*ahem* "Woo-Hoo!"

I love my country.

GRRR! the airlines should hand out instructions while the tourist are on the plane..1. when you exit a revolving door step away quickly...2. when you are lost, move against a building to get your bearings. 3. do not form a cluster on the corner of a tiny street (prince and bdway) and discuss where to now ma..argh...4. if you need help ask..new yorkers don't bite (much!)

What a brilliant post!.
Tourists in London are another phenomena. Besides walking extremley slow, they stop suddenley on a very busy street to look at their street maps and try to find the name of the roads.

hahaha...
i hate tourists myself but like you say, they do provide us locals with a certain degree of amusement...

Ain't nothin' wrong with them web-feet. I got 'em and I guarantee I could take you in da pool. ;-)

I have to agree with Tanya: I don't think you've earned the right to hate the tourists. You were one all of two years ago? And Fish, I know where McKinney is and you must have lost the accent because I'm sure other New Yorkers would be making fun of you just like you're making fun of the tourists.

I don't know, Tanya-agreers, I was a tourist in New York a couple of weeks ago and even *I* hated tourists. It's hard not to - it's true, we block traffic, gawk, ask stupid questions, and clog up all the good restaurants. New York just wouldn't be New York if there wasn't a bit of hatin' going on.

How does one "earn" the right to dislike something? I've only been in New York for three years and they drive me up a wall sometimes. Especially when I used to work between Times Square and Rock Center. That being said, I don't hate ALL tourists, just the ones that seem to have no common sense. The ones that stop in the middle of the sidewalk to look straight up at the tall buildings. The ones that get confused in the subway and instead of asking for help just stand in the middle of the stairs. The ones that talk loudly on the subway about how dirty the city is. Hello? I live here, you're talking about my HOME!

I am sure there are hundreds of tourists a day that don't act like this, but the rest of them give tourists a bad name.

At some point we're all tourists somewhere but we can still pull out the tourist hate in our own cities --- actually here more than the tourist-hate its the "out for a sunday drive that might as well be a stroll because you are going so freaking slow" hate.

One thing I noticed about tourists in Chicago, they're always looking up! That means slow walking and near run-overs. It's insane!

You are ABSOLUTELY right... walk faster, dress normally and lighten up! There are people not on vacation around you!

Years ago, I was at Billy Bob's Texas in Ft. Worth (http://www.billybobstexas.com/) at the live, in-door Rodeo. Seated in front of us were tourists from NYC. We were waiting for the next "Cowboy Up!" when they turned to us (in their leather stroker hats, skinny spectacles, carefully balancing martinis & cigarettes) and asked very skeptically "Are they really going to ride a LIVE cow?"

We replied... "Uh yeah y'all, that's what happens at a RoDAYoh!" Thinking to ourselves "HELLO! It's a BULL not a cow! sheeeeesh... can you believe these NEW YORK TOURISTS?!?!?"

Earning it: Getting so frustrated you have been known to shout "Go home" at offending tourists. To their face.

Yeah, I'm kind of an asshole. What are YOU gonna do?

Today is tourist day in Cambridge MA--It is Harvard's graduation day. This morning while walking through the Harvard Square T station (ie subway station), some bumpkin parents of a Harvard student were standing at the foot of the escalator looking confused. As I passed by the father asked me "Which way to Harvard Square?" Huh?! I pointed straight up and continued on my way.

definitely tourist season in london too now! although still no sunshine to go along with it!

Hmm I happen to think that these tourists are there for my own personal amusement...If I've ever felt down and stupid, I just listen in on their conversations-- then I'm right back up again. They say the silliest things, really.. on the train, the other day, some folks were going on for hours about how Houston street is not pronounced like the city in Texas (duh) and that they learned that on Law and Order.... and so they felt they knew all about new york culture from Law & Order and so on--good times..

I actually just took a trip to NYC this past weekend. I've been there many times, and can get around without clogging the streets, subway doors, etc. But, I have to say, as annoying as the other tourists are to me, they are somewhat endearing. For some people, NYC is the first big city they have ever been to, and it's nice to be reminded of all of the small things that I take for granted when I go to visit. Also, I have webbed toes, and they rule.

gee, i can't imagine why everyone hates new yorkers. i think you need to come back to rural texas and let us remind you how to be a polite hostess, instead of the childish "gum throwing" brat this post paints you to be. it's a free world and joe schmoe from kentucky can stand in the middle of the damn sidewalk and sing dixie if he wants. and you can smile and walk around him and shut up about it, but that would so un-hip, huh?

Wendi,

You mean, like, in the way I could stand in the middle of my own blog and rant if I want, and you could just smile and surf around me and shut up about it ? And YET, you choose to leave a rude comment because it makes you feel like you've had your say?

Embrace the irony.

.... people actually wear shirts like that? as a family? is it so that if someone gets lost, you'll be able to identify them by their horribly annoying ensemble? wow.

i'd probably have a giggle fit every day walking down the street if i was livin' in that there big apple thing.

LOL! I grew up in Virginia Beach--tourist central. We had mixed feelings about them (especially as teenagers)--tourists caused traffic problems, asked silly questions, and yes, wore dorky t-shirts (definitely not "cool.") When I lived in Lubbock (that's Texas, folks), we mainly got tourists on Buddy Holly Festival weekends. Suddenly, I missed my tourists! I missed being able to give out directions and advice, feeling vaguely superior all the while. Now, I live in a quintessential New England tourist town, and I love the tourists. I no longer have the teenage need to feel "cool," but since I know where all the public parking lots are, I still get to feel vaguely superior.

Love ya, Fish!

And with the awesomely fierce allergy season we've been having, they'll have to pry my Zyrtec out of my cold, dead hands.

I've been to NYC once, and I was 11. I'm sure I was a horrible tourist but I assure you my family NEVER would have worn The Shirts. I grew up by Kennedy Space Center in Florida, and I used to loathe the tourists who would camp alongside a MAJOR HIGHWAY that I took to school so they could see the shuttle go off. And they drive slow in Florida, too, but not any slower than the old people.

Or, to put it shortly: Wendi, go fuck yourself.

Too funny. I'm a native NY'er who works @ a visitor publication. I always say I'm going to write an article for our mag -- what NOT to do. Like walk 3, 4, 5 etc. abreast. This isn’t Iowa, for chrissakes there are other people using the sidewalk. Or stop. dead in the middle of the sidewalk. If you need to look at a map, or feel the need to point at something pull over, just like you would if you were in a car.

And we get a rep for being rude!!

On the other hand, if it weren't for those tourists, I wouldn't have a job so........

Thanks for letting me vent.

Chocolate covered babies?

I'm not a big fan of tourists either, and have taken a strict vow that when I travel, I am going to do my darndest to blend in. This was hard when I went to Japan...but I was earnest in my efforts.

As for the shirts..yeah, I'll put matching shirts on me and my kids when we go to an amusement park but NOT to New York. Holy cow...

Yes Wendi, it's ironic that you'd leave a comment in the "comment" box, when you could've done the polite thing and kept a differing point of view to yourself. Don't know how you do things down in Texas, but here in NY, as you can see, the comment boxes of our sensitive bloggers are only for supplicants and/or friends.

Natvenyer, that might be the funniest comment i have seen on this blog...and my sentiments exactly, but you said it much more eloquently.

Granted that the tourists around 5th Ave are awful - in their sneakers, hip packs, and toting little bags from Tiffany's filled with unoriginal heart-charm bracelets. But there's a sincerity in tourists and they don't try to disguise it. Yesterday morning I passed the multi-story H&M and saw a crowd of them lined up outside for the opening. Most in New York - definitely the most vocal group, at least - seem phony and full of themselves - and whereas they might not be as miserable & style-less as the hordes of out of town 5th Ave shoppers - they aren't sincere at all.

I love waiting on the tur-ists. You know that guide book you've been looking at the entire time you've been eating your burger and complaining that you don't get a free refill on your Diet Coke? Right in the front it tells you that you should tip *at least* 15%. Don't be surprised when I yell at your cheap ass while you stand around gawking in "Time Square."

New Yorkers, phony? full of ourselves? Or did Brian mean the tourists.

My parents were both born in Manhattan; I've watched it go from a place where you could actually walk down avenues fast to a place where you're practically forced to apolgize to tourists for trying to get to work or an appointment on time.

Actually just fifteen years ago the worst thing I had to worry about when taking a walk was cars with Jersey licenses.

Now I'm supposed to care about not hurting tourists feelings when they take up way too much space.

Wendi,

How exactly are you going to teach Fish to be polite when you are judging people from Kentucky and assuming we are going to sing Dixie. Why does Jo Schmoe have to be from Kentucky? Some of us from Kentucky actually have college educations and are not running around barefoot and pregnant. Amazingly enough.(just wanted to clarify that that perception of people from KY is not true).

I'm from Texas and always wanted to visit or live in New York. I like to make fun of the people back home; good-naturedly of course.

Your post was not good-natured. It reeks of the self-congratulation New Yorkers are known for. I can understand how irritating it must be to have to deal with an influx of tourists on your daily commute. That would drive anyone nuts. But how about a little compassion and understanding? These people are spending their hard-earned money (possibly from the alfalfa farm) to visit your city. They obviously have respect for it. New York is an American icon.

If these tourists had any idea what was really thought of them by New Yorkers, I'm sure they'd either change their behavior, or choose to spend their vacation money elsewhere.

There is no need to put the rest of the country down, just because it's "fashionable."

I think we all fight the urge to tell off strangers sometimes.

being a native NYer born and raised.... i know what you are talking about with the matching tee's. but it ads flavor and all are welcome to this -- what i see as the worlds capital -- embracing all -- even texans

being a native NYer born and raised.... i know what you are talking about with the matching tee's. but it ads flavor and all are welcome to this -- what i see as the worlds capital -- embracing all -- even texans

I wouldlike to visit NYC..and have one of them really big sandwiches from the Carnegie Deli.

Mark in Iowa.

I usually steer clear of comments on blogs, now I remember why. I love your writing, but is it really irony to leave a message of disagreement on someone's blog? Do you really just want people to agree with you all the time and tell you how great you are?

I think it's back to just lurking for me-:)

No, no. It's ironic that they would call me out, tell me I'm horrible for griping (on my own blog, no less) and being judgmental and that I should not judge and let people be people. Why not allow me the same?

If they expect to be able to bitch about me on my comments, why is it so wrong for me to bitch on my blog? eh?

I dislike the fawners as much as the haters. I don't mind criticism, but if you can't express your disagreement without being personally insulting and contentious, then you're going to get a big old fuck off.

No offense taken regarding the State Fair. Big Tex scares me a little and I refuse to go to the Fair (funnel cake, carnies and rednecks *shudder*). I only go if there is a show I want to see at Fair Park Music Hall. I also don't go to the West End. I mean just why?!?

Thank you for clarifying the decision-making process behind the "fuck-yous" you dole out to your readers.
It's "ironic" that I've never seen one of your sycophants on the receiving end of your "dislike" but if you say those fawners bug you as much as the haters, who am I to disagree?
Heh.

Fish: No one ever said you couldn't be yourself, even if you sound a little immature with all the dirty looks and gum throwing going on. But you write a blog, you put it on the internet for people to read, you have a comment box where, I presume, you would like people to leave comments. I thought your NY post was petty, snide, and full of arrogance and you can't possibly be that surprised that it was met with some criticism. Sometimes you reap what you sow.

Rachel: I apologize if I offended the great State of Kentucky, but I think you read a little too much into my comment. I don’t recall saying anything about anyone’s lack of education or anybody being barefoot and pregnant for that matter. Mr. Schmoe could have been from anywhere, and if it will make you feel better, let’s say he’s from Beaumont, Texas, which is where I live. And damn if he wasn’t happy to be in New York, happy enough to stand in the middle of the sidewalk, look around a little bit, and hopefully not have some fish throw gum in his hair.

Thanks Fish - makes perfect sense!

pia, thank Rudy for cleaning up the crime so that those tourist dollars could flow again. What we need is another Dinkins administration to make New York safe for New Yorkers again.

I grew up in Florida, so we had lots of tourists that were frustrating-- pretty much year round. Summer had the summer folks (young families, men in shorts, sandals and BLACK SOCKS) and winter had the Snowbirds-- retirees from places like New York & Chicago who drove too slow and tipped BADLY. So I grew up thinking "I'm never going to be a tourist-- they suck and are so rude & clueless". But we did recognize that we owed our economy to these folks & tried hard to be gracious, even if it was sometimes hard. If they went away, many of us would've been out of the jobs that paid the bills.

I've read places where people said NOT to do the tourist-y thing. That they didn't understand people who visited "the sights". But when I go somewhere, like, say, London, I will be damned if I'm *not* going to go see Big Ben and the Tower. Or trek all day to see Louisa May Alcott's house in Boston. Or take that stupid boat at Niagra Falls. When I have gone someplace and NOT done the tourist-y thing (like when we went to Hawaii and the hubby refused to go to a luau) I've really regretted it later. I wanted some stupid poi, even if it was terrible! I wanted to see people juggling flaming torches!

But when I'm on my own, or with my hubby, we don't stand out too much like sore thumbs, and I always try to be a gracious guest. In London, if I wasn't with my in-laws, people assumed I wasn't a tourist-- and I was pretty damn proud of that. Others would walk past the people handing out flyers for tours or something and they'd get the sales pitch and the Londoners selling would ignore me. It felt good to not stand out in someone else's city, to figure out which way to look for oncoming traffic. The only real rudeness I encountered in London was the couple who, when hearing we were from Texas, made the comment "Oh, you sure better not be a black person in Texas or you'll get thrown in jail". Hello? How clueles & biased was that about a state larger than your entire country? With all kinds of people? Stereotype much?

BUT we're all out of our element in one way or another, at certain times. I know we looked like rubes fresh off a hay truck when we were looking for a taxi at the airport in NY; I could even see it! So I have to both agree with you about the little blondie and her scowl (although I'll bet it was more being a teen and less being from somewhere other than NYC) and cringe at knowing that I, too, have been an annoying tourist at one time or another. But I tried! :)

Seems to me that this post is nothing unusual for this blog. Back in its anonymous incarnation Fish was astoundingly revelatory and often praised for it. Now she reveals something that isn't particularly flattering and gets critized for it. Go figure.

I've never met a saint in real life and I sure don't expect to on the internet. Here, here for humans in all their imperfect glory, especially the ones willing to unapologetically share their harmless little flaws.