At lunchtime in June, the lawn at Bryant Park was a maze of bodies. Justine and I sat in the middle of the maze, skirts bunched up at our thighs, trying to catch what sunshine we could in our hour of partly-cloudy freedom. She dug around in her brown leather bag for her cigarettes while I dug around in my brain for my sanity.
I was having A Day. I didn’t have it in me to be angry anymore, but there was still something in the pit of my stomach, eating at me. I felt weary.
Propped up by my elbows, I was reclining with my ankles neatly crossed – lest I expose my personal assets to a table of blue shirts a few yards away. Justine sat cross-legged next to me on the grass, smoking and chatting away as I zoned out, hearing perhaps half of what she said. I was staring into space when I saw the clipboard bobbing through the crowds. Oh god. What was it this time? An amazing spa package I can’t possibly turn down? Political campaign crap? Save the pigeons?
I wanted to scream, Fuck you, your spa, the politicians and the pigeons! I am having a crisis! But in the end, it took much less energy to roll to one side and ask someone else to do my dirty work.
“Justine? Please say something to make her feel bad about herself and go away.”
I don’t know what I was expecting. But by then, the clipboard (with perky volunteer girl attached) had stepped over outstretched sun-seeking limbs, dodged duck-duck-goose and stopped in front of us.
“Would you like to sign a petition to save parks in New York?”
Justine looked up at the perky volunteer and narrowed her eyes. She took a long drag of her cigarette then exhaled an equally long, deliberate column of smoke.
“No,” she said, her tone flat and humorless. “I just had an abortion and I’m very upset about it.”
I nearly swallowed my own tongue.
“No! She didn’t! Oh my god!”
What had I done? The volunteer gushed an apology and moved quickly on to the next cluster of sunbathers. I was left dumbfounded and in stitches. The laugh started in my stomach and ripped through my body. I clutched at my sides, choking.
“Justine, you can’t just say that!”
“You said, say something to make her feel bad about herself and go away. I did.”
Indeed she had. And believe me, I know just how wrong that was. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t love telling that story -- and that I don’t laugh just as hard every single time I tell it.
I must admit, at times I am a little wary about reading your site, because although it is always brilliant, it often leaves me feeling all too introspective and melancholy.
But this was just hilarious. I cracked up, thanks for that... I needed it.
Posted by: Dann Ryan at July 28, 2005 01:43 PMThat, was just about the highlight of my day.
Posted by: Agategoddess at July 28, 2005 01:48 PMBack in the late 50's, my mother was travelling by train in Japan when a man sat next to her wanting to practice his English. All she wanted was to look out the window and take in the view, so when he asked her where she was going, she replied without thinking, "Back to the leper hospital." He found another seat "right quick" as we say in the South! (Back then there WAS a hospital for Hansen's Disease patients on that particular line).
Posted by: cultureshock553 at July 28, 2005 01:59 PMBrilliant!
My favorite send-off story came from an old landlord of mine. Apparently he was in the shower when the door bell rang. He jumped out and the only thing to hand to put on was an apron that said, "This is no ordinary housewife you're dealing with." He's buck naked under the apron and dripping wet. Looking through the peephole he see's that it's Jehova's Witnesses. He yanks open the door and yells, "I'm queer and you won't stand up for the national anthem, we have nothing to talk about!" and slams the door. They walk away shaking their heads and never came back, funny that.
Posted by: Coelecanth at July 28, 2005 02:04 PMhilarious...and bold! go justine. i wish i had the stones to say something so outrageous. i am going to try to come up with something the next time a situation arises.
Posted by: amanda at July 28, 2005 02:20 PMI'm just glad I could make a stranger feel horribly guilty and a friend laugh her ass off at the same time. It's like seeing your worst enemy die of a heart attack after they won the lottery - just brings a smile to your face.
Justine
Posted by: whirlygurly at July 28, 2005 02:37 PMI think I will just love to love that story and smile for the rest of the day. Thank you!
Posted by: Sarah at July 28, 2005 02:43 PMThat.Was.Funny.As.Hell!
Posted by: Matt at July 28, 2005 02:54 PMEw that's so wrong! But who am I to judge I pretended to be deaf to avoid someone on a bus.
mwahahahahahahahahaha
evil. In the best way possible.
One of my girlfriends used to be so good at this:
"Hi may I speak to Mr or Mrs...Smith...this is a courtesy call."
"They just died last night"...then came her on cue crying and horrifying convinction of really fake tears that sounded so sincere, I was often afraid of her.
I thought she was jinxing herself, but Mr and Mrs...Smith..are alive and well, and she has never wasted a laugh (OR a moment on the phone for that matter!)
Posted by: Jasika at July 28, 2005 03:40 PMLove your style of writing.
I think that it is great!
Mary Louise
http://journals.aol.com/mlrhjeh/WatchingMySisterDisappear/
Posted by: Mary Louise at July 28, 2005 04:19 PMHilarious. I feel so much better now.
Posted by: kilowatthour at July 28, 2005 04:58 PMOMG. That made me laugh SO hard. :O)
that is hilarious. i'm looking forward to the next story i'll love to hate. :)
Posted by: red at July 28, 2005 06:07 PMFile under: Guilty Pleasure / Handbasket, going to Hell in
Posted by: Dani at July 28, 2005 10:37 PMI dug around in my brain for my sanity
I was digging around for mine today. Sadly, haven't found it yet, but at least this helped me find some laughter. Thanks!
Posted by: rg at July 29, 2005 01:11 AMHi I just wanted to stop by your blog (have seen it on Adventure Girl's list for ages).
Wow! I don't know if you write for a living but you should! In these few entries I read today you have managed to make me feel sad, happy and remenisce about my own past loves... but this last one I just rolled on the floor laughing!! =)
Will definitely be back to read more!
Cheers from Oz!! :)
Posted by: Traytable at July 29, 2005 06:10 AMHoly crap!
Fish, you got some amazingly funny friends!
Thanks for sharing them with us...
i would've paid to take a pic of the volunteer's face... hahaha. :P
Posted by: nwistheone at July 29, 2005 09:08 AMThat actually sounds pretty mean, both to the volunteer and to anyone reading this who has had to go through one. I don't mean to be a downer, but you should be a little more sensitive, that's all.
Posted by: L at July 29, 2005 10:29 AM"...and to anyone reading this who has had to go through one"
Perhaps your mistake is assuming I haven't.
Posted by: Fish at July 29, 2005 10:30 AMJust for the record, I'm the one who said it, found it funny and never had an abortion (probably cause I'm barren). I also like to put kittens into glass jars, beat-up the eldery and take advantage of the retarded.
If there is anyone I haven't offended, please email me and I will be more than happy to insult you on multiple levels.
Posted by: whirlygurly at July 29, 2005 10:46 AMThat's a good line, can I steal it?
Posted by: tanya at July 29, 2005 10:51 AMReminds me of Wednesday Addams....
Posted by: lawyerchik1 at July 29, 2005 05:14 PMwow, that is too perfect. way to go justine!
Posted by: Rebecca at July 29, 2005 07:01 PMBrilliant! Your writing style adds to the luxurious texture of the stories you tell. I visit often as I don't want to miss anything!! http://journals.aol.com/ChazyJazzy/TheWayISeeIt/
Posted by: ChazyJazzy at July 30, 2005 03:09 AMThat's one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
Posted by: TCho at August 3, 2005 11:39 AM