September 15, 2005

i'm blaming all my problems on the united nations

Tomorrow after work, I’m getting on a Boston-bound train. Hopefully, I’ll have clothes to pack in my bags, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

When J called yesterday to firm up plans for the weekend, I was still pretty foggy on the details. All I knew is our good friends were gettin’ hitched and I was looking forward to putting on my dancing shoes. Which is not a lot of information. So when we’d gotten the pleasantries out of the way (a good five minutes of Zoolander and Life Aquatic quotes), I went over my questions.


Shit! What is this, Father of the Bride? As visions of white tents and twinkle lights danced in my head, I flipped through my desk calendar. Three days. I had three days to either lose the eighteen pounds required to fit into something I already owned or high-tail it around town and buy a new one. For no dollars and fifty cents. Because that’s exactly how much money I could afford to spend. I scratched a note on my Post-it to-do list. Black formal dress.

When and where?
4:00 in one of those W towns. Like, Wooster. Or Woburn. The hotel is right next door.

4:00 is good. I’ll get to sleep in, spend time fussing and by 6:00 or so, I’ll be well on my way to getting silly on the dance floor with all my old pals. And if the hotel is right next door…

“Wait, what?”
“The hotel is next to the reception.”
“Why are we staying in a hotel? It’s only 30 minutes away.”
“Yeah, and it’s open bar. Who’s gonna be able to drive back?”

Not to suddenly morph into my mother, but… oh dear. I’m mostly not worried about sharing a hotel room with my ex-superdrama; I’ll just have to be on my best behavior. You know, angel on both shoulders kind of a thing. Besides, right now, I have more pressing concerns like…

The United Nations.

Apparently, the UN being in session affects my local wash-n-fold / dry cleaner and they may or may not have my clothes back in time for me to go tomorrow. I dropped off a load last night. This morning I was told that due to traffic, etc etc, they might not have my clothes back from their factory until late tomorrow. Hmmm. That. Is. Not good. Among the items I left were any and all jeans that currently fit and the new dress, which needed to be steamed. My fingers and toes are crossed that they are returned in time. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to get real creative with my wedding attire.

Incidentally, the new dress cost slightly more than no dollars and fifty cents. But that’s what credit is all about, right? Emergencies. And if this isn't an emergency...

Don’t worry, I’m rolling my eyes at myself for you.

Posted by This Fish at September 15, 2005 11:18 AM

Link to the dress? Pretty please?

Posted by: Tanya at September 15, 2005 11:41 AM

I'm from one of those W towns, Weymouth to be precise. I'm envious that you get to go there (To Boston, I mean; I could care less about my hometown, but you're probably not going there)

Posted by: Denise Regan at September 15, 2005 11:45 AM

Don't worry, at least we don't have anything like the UN in session going on here now. You'll be all good in Boston!

Posted by: Erin at September 15, 2005 12:02 PM

Credit is all about new black dresses, matching shoes, the perfect earrings and a little clutch. Oh yeah...and a year's worth of unemployment and travel.

Enjoy Boston. Rain is in the forecast so hair-do accordingly, my friend.

And I've always found angels on *both* shoulders to be overrated...if not nearly impossible. Apparently, they don't like working the same shifts together. Good luck.

Posted by: The Duck at September 15, 2005 12:20 PM

Good luck over the weekend. Sounds like you will have lots to report back to us on Monday!!

Posted by: Carrie at September 15, 2005 12:35 PM

Have fun! I have the dreaded "Formal Wedding" coming up soon and so I certainly feel your pain.

Posted by: Mindi at September 15, 2005 01:11 PM


I feel your pain on the 18 extra, ugh. My closet is full of delicious summer clothes that I didn't wear this summer. I'm trying to see if I can run of the excess, but that all is easier said than done.

Anyhoo have a great time at the wedding, and open bar, have a ball.

Posted by: C.C. at September 15, 2005 01:12 PM

sounds like an emergency to me! no eyes rolling here.

Posted by: amanda at September 15, 2005 01:44 PM

I was going to roll my eye at you, but you're in New York and that's just too far away. I could never roll my eyes that far. So, I'm rolling them around in my coffee cup instead. Then, I'm going to wash them and put them back in.

Enjoy the little black dress. Being large and being a male, I'll never get to wear a little black dress in public, so I'm a little envious.

Okay, I'm over it.

Hello, Fish. (I should call you Heather. Fish sounds so derogatory. No offense, Fish.)

Posted by: scott at September 15, 2005 02:04 PM

Just saw Life Aquatic for the first time last night. My favorite: "Anne Marie, do the interns get Glocks?" I can't even tell you why I found that so damn funny, but it still cracks me up.

Have a fun weekend and wear out your new dress!

Posted by: petitchou at September 15, 2005 02:26 PM

It's ok, I plan to blame everything I can think of on Michael Brown for the next 3 months. That should get me some serious leverage.

Posted by: Nopoodle at September 15, 2005 02:32 PM


I visited...

thought i'd let you know.

Posted by: D'elle at September 15, 2005 02:33 PM

have fun at the wedding! hope you have more luck with the angel on each shoulder than I did a few weeks ago.

Posted by: rg at September 15, 2005 03:29 PM

I see that your strict and obsessive budgeting as previously mentioned doesn't cover unexpected formal wear for a wedding. Incidentally, haven't you known about this wedding for months now? How is it that you are only this week discovering the attire for the event?

Posted by: Smilin.N.ny at September 15, 2005 03:56 PM

Well, for starters, at the beginning of summer I bought a dress for the weddings I'd be attending. It isn't appropriate for a formal, evening wedding. I never got an invite in the mail because I am going as his date and he is not one for passing along such info. I didn't ask until now because I am BUSY and SOME THINGS JUST SLIP MY MIND. Give a girl a break, would ya? And maybe some chocolate?

Posted by: Fish at September 15, 2005 04:02 PM

I could've lent you a dress if I'd known... being the daughter of a mason has some benefits, lots of barely worn evening wear is one.

Have fun in Boston.

Posted by: misplacedpom at September 15, 2005 04:07 PM

Sorry! Didn't mean to criticize. I know how it goes with men not giving the appropriate information at a time when you can do something about it. Have a great weekend. Good luck with the laundry sitch.

Posted by: Smilin.N.ny at September 15, 2005 04:10 PM

Oh no, no. I think you misread my tone. I'm just playing with ya.

Read: Mock exasperation.

Posted by: Fish at September 15, 2005 04:12 PM

I've found that the best way to get a no dollar and fifty cent dress for an emergency formal occasion is to go shopping in my friends' closets. :) Just a thought for next time.

But also, feel lucky that you have credit to fall back on. I got $12,000 in credit-card debt over the course of about 10 years, and I've spent the last 4+ years without credit cards, trying to pay everything off. I'm within a year of my goal, too, and I've still lived a fabulous life. But if I needed an emergency dress, I'd be SOL. (The Bank of Mom and Dad, while generous, only covers things like moving and car accidents.) So I'm envious of your emergency shopping!

Posted by: Lea at September 15, 2005 04:16 PM

Ooooh! I wanna see - I bet it's gorgeous. Need any accessories?? You know how I love to play w. jewels!!!

Posted by: Ari at September 15, 2005 04:23 PM

And also... do you not have a side mission to complete on my behalf while in Boston? Hmm?!?!!? Like in the Stoughton or whatever it's called area...I'll be your bestest friend and Sirsitter!

Posted by: Ari at September 15, 2005 04:26 PM

Are you kidding? My baseball bat is packed neatly next to my dancing shoes. Who loves ya, baby?

Posted by: Fish at September 15, 2005 04:31 PM

Everyday is an emergency for me. I hate spending my money on things I need like...contacts, oil changes, I always charge all that stuff so when the bill comes I can casually check off...Yes I needed that and that and well I was sick so I had to and my car I mean its the only one I got....debt. it's for being responsible

Posted by: Austin's Wonderland at September 15, 2005 04:45 PM

Damn woman... I love you. I promise to not even soak your kitchen floor (again) this time. But only a baseball bat? Not one of those metal balls with the spikes?

Posted by: Ari at September 15, 2005 05:12 PM

So if you do sleep with J, we can expect the blog to also regress, and you'll remove all the personal pronouns and go back to stream of consiousness blogging?

Posted by: Mike at September 15, 2005 05:46 PM

Looking forward to the stories of taking care of "Boston" while you're in Boston for Ari! make sure to use the mental abuse as well as the physical.

Posted by: rg at September 15, 2005 07:06 PM

I've only recently found your site, Fish-lady, and I love it. And love even more that you respond to your comments! How awesome is that!

Posted by: Nopoodle at September 15, 2005 10:38 PM

Heather girl, don't y'all have thrift stores up there? You can find the most glorious gems (and it wouldn't be so far out of your 50 cent budget)! Even if I was a millionaire, I'd still go thrifting - such fun!

Enjoy your wedding, and I hope you get your laundry back in time. (Damn that Kofi Annan, damn him!)

Posted by: Fancy Schmancy Anxiety Maven at September 16, 2005 12:10 AM

I can't help it but your blogs almost always make me smile, you're just too funny :-D Hope you had a great wedding.

Posted by: SillyCrazyMe at September 16, 2005 07:58 AM

I'm living vicariously through you. I am just a country Mom, so it's not like I get to run all over the US, having fun in pretty dresses. LOL.. I would loooove to have to buy a formal dress! And actually have somewhere to wear it. Sigh...

Let us see what it looks like!

Posted by: Monica at September 16, 2005 08:09 AM

Funny, shortly after I met my husband I accompanied him to a wedding... he forgot to tell me until the day before that it was formal. Lucky for me I already had a little black dress that fortunately covers any excess baggage. I can even smuggle that lovely bottle of wine from the open bar under it and still look smart. ;)

Posted by: megan at September 16, 2005 09:41 AM

Ciao, I'm a new reader too..
I'm sure you'll get a fashinable smart dress.. That's what Visa is for!
Enjoy the party!

Posted by: mariel at September 16, 2005 09:49 AM

1) damn that u.n.!
2) hugs to monica above.

Posted by: RazDreams at September 16, 2005 11:26 AM

um, hello?! did you get to pack any clothes except for your brand-new formal black number? this is from curious minds wonderin' aboutcha in a hotel room with ya ex-!!! (i think it's your ex-...and i know what i'd be a-doin'!!!) ;-)

Posted by: RazDreams at September 16, 2005 08:09 PM

1. Life Aquatic rules!
2. Try sharing an apartment/bedroom/bed with your ex. Fun!
3. Awesome blog. Keep writing, please.

Posted by: Hannah at September 17, 2005 01:34 AM

I've got a dress or two . . . bet they'd fit a fish. They're just hanging around for a chance like this.

Posted by: ME Strauss at September 18, 2005 07:23 PM

Did you get loaded and/or married?

Posted by: G at September 18, 2005 10:53 PM

So curious to hear how it went! Weddings are always good for storytime, especially when you go with your ex. Gah! :)

Posted by: Laura at September 19, 2005 10:37 AM