Seems as though J has managed to polish up magic technique and weekend disappearing act has ended in graceful, “Sorry I didn’t call” emails. Have taken his explanation as one part bullshit, one part cowardice and two parts inability to grasp magnitude of situation. Mix well. Bake at 350 until golden brown. Serve warm, over french-vanilla icecream.

Am amazed at own ability to function relatively free of “what does this all mean” hang-ups regarding Thanksgiving extravaganza. While dating J, made v. stern rule that would not sleep with him, as result of ridiculous commitment fence-sitting regarding yours truly. Was v. well aware that could not handle emotional repercussions. Is horribly impossible to walk away from such an event without taking at least a bit of emotional baggage. But, either am in complete denial or have become much more dent resistant (not unlike a Saturn sidepanel) because have so far managed to come out of situation without acquiring so much as an unattractive pocket book or oddly shaped carry-on.

Is Monday morning, and am baggage free. Can’t last. Must have some sort of breakdown. Right?

Am certain am just being paranoid, but am having strange separation from logical side of self at moment. Not only did J fail to call on Saturday regarding potential going-out-and-drinking plans as promised, but when yours truly called (why not? if are friends, is perfectly legit to call, no?) got voicemail. And not only did yours truly get voicemail (J rarely does NOT answer his phone), but message has thus far gone unreturned.

What gives?

Have spent morning wandering house, making lame attempts at putting up holiday decor and succeeding wildly at finishing off last night’s pint of ice cream.

One way ticket to Fatsville. All aboard.

Why-oh-why-oh-why? Ok, not why did I sleep with J. Neither J nor myself were intoxicated. Sure, yours truly had downed half a bottle of wine hours earlier, but for the most part the let’s get busy decision was made fully based in reality. Thought to self, Self, is absolutely impossible to be MORE attached to v. nice smelling bicycle, so why not? Thus, question in fishy head has nothing to do with own behavior, but that of J. Current disappearing act is so horridly reminiscent of the v. uncertain dating days. Am inclined to risk complete alienation and call again to let Mr. Unsteady know that if he plans on destroying what have built up over MONTHS because of what happened over four hours, is one v. big coward.

Am out of ice cream.

Have been sitting on floor with pint of Ben & Jerry’s and Concerned Roommate going over events of Thanksgiving holiday. Have spent good several hours periodically shutting off cell phone in indignant rage and turning it back on in pathetic hope that J will indeed call, when deep down know quite well, he will not. Phone off. But, perhaps was just not near phone when yours truly called earlier and will call back! Phone on. Horrid game.

You said you wouldn’t freak out about this.
I know. And I’m not. Not really.
Yes, you are.
I shouldn’t have stayed in all night waiting for his call.
As for staying in, you have a cell phone, but that’s beside the point. You shouldn’t have slept with him.
I know. It was just all the family togetherness… and it’s not like we were drunk. It’s not like it was some mistake. Which is why…
Why what?
Why he should have called like he said he would. Listen, you’re not being all that helpful. I didn’t hear any opposition when he was well, never mind. Where were you when this all went down?
Probably still digesting that pie, piggy. Three kinds? What were you thinking?
He wanted it. I was thinking, I, or we, rather couldn’t be any more emotionally invested so, why not? Besides, it was good.
The pie? Better have been, fatty.
Pie? No…the sex. Jesus. Listen, Inner Goddess, you’re really falling behind.
I am falling behind? How many valium you on?
Shut up. I’m going to bed.
He’ll call tomorrow. Don’t worry.
That’s unusually peppy of you.
Sounds like you need a bit of pep. This Sarah McLachlan binge you’re on isn’t helping.
Beats Ben and Jerry’s
Indeed.