I hate calling customer service lines. Having believed naively for years that Customer Service is the lifeline one clings to in moments of Customer Panic, I’ve recently discovered that the person on the other end, despite his or her job title (customer service representative, usually) has absoutely no interest in serving the customer. None.
Example in the first:
I spent Friday evening with John, my friendly Dell Customer Service Dementor. When he could not answer my question (or rather, he could but with unintelligible words strung together in what I can only assume he thought was an actual, logical sentence), I gritted my teeth, thanked him for his time and pounded my head into my desk until I lost consciousness.
What I really did was get so frustrated that I truly felt my body temperature rise. I now fully understand the term, ‘hot under the collar’ as it applies to anger. I had to take off my sweater. And then the rest of my clothes. I had to get into the shower to calm down.
It takes a lot to push me to the edge of sanity. But John, my Dell Dementor, had succeeded in driving me to complete frustration in less than seven minutes. He should be given a prize. Like say, mouth herpes.
Example in the second:
I spent Sunday morning with Stacey, Customer Service representative of Hosting Matters – the company which took my money for, but failed to renew my domain registration. No big deal, problem quickly solved. But in one of our exchanges (and here I go being naïve again), I asked Stacey if anything would be lost. I don’t know these things! I am not savvy! All I knew was that my site was gone and I had very limited insight as to whether or not it would be coming back.
Stacey’s reply:
“Like what? It’s not like it was a server problem.”
I wanted to take Stacey by the hand, lead her to a peaceful little stream deep within the heart of a dew-kissed woodland forest and hold her head under the cold, cold water until her body stopped twitching.
Apparently, Customer Service really means Snark Bitch Mocking of the Kids who Don’t Know Jack about Computers Service.
After spending such an exasperating chunk of my weekend in Customer Service Perdition, I was uber hesitant about dialing Sleepy’s 1-800 number this morning. Those guys had fucked up royally, too. They delivered a new headboard/footboard. Put it together. IT WOBBLED APART. I was displeased. But however hesitant Perdition had made me, I needed my bed fixed more than I needed my sanity. So I gathered my patience (it was wadded up in little pieces at the bottom of my purse) dialed, held my breath and was greeted with… the most pleasant voice I’d heard in days. Maple syrup. I wanted to pour Betty on my Belgian waffles and sing the Hallelujah chorus. She apologized for the fucktards who put my bed together wrong.
She said she was sorry. It’s amazing what a little, “I’m sorry” will do for a girl who’s two-stepping her way to Crazytown, one bad customer service call at a time.
I thanked Betty with all my cold, black heart and happily crossed Customer Service People off my To Kill list. For now. Cialis spammers are keeping me plenty busy anyway.
yay. for once i beat everyone to the punch and am the first to comment! this blog was one of the best.
this blog IS one of the best!
i’m saying a silent prayer that the rest of your week will be equally bad because that was some funny sh1t. it’s a good thing i don’t live in ny, cause i’d always be trying to anger you. just. for. the. laughs.
Poor John and Stacey were probably ticked that they had to work over the weekend. Not that that excuses anything.
HA! Brando!
Goldner loves to get me worked up for the humor as well. Just so I’ll yell things like, “I’m going to punch you in the throat!” over dinner in quiet sushi joints.
Being a member of the customer service world myself, and a supervisor on top of that, it is amazing how far a simple “I’m sorry” can get you, especially with an irate customer. Usually I say, “I’m sorry what can I do to make this a better experience for you?” That always helps the situation.
I’m glad you had one pleasant experiance!
Oooh spammers! The lowest spammer I am yet to witness was the one who posted their links in your friend Mike’s blog comments after he died. LOW!!!!! VERY LOW!!!
Sorry about your trip to Customer Service Perdition. I can completely sympathize, and what really irritates me is I’m one of the Betty’s of the world, and I’ve worked customer service before, so I don’t understand why it’s so freakin’ hard for other people to practice good customer service. Oh well…thanks for the laugh
SORTA being part of the customer service world, I admit, I had a laugh at being reminded of what it’s like on the other side of the phone.
The side I always see involves people close to hysteria about the tiniest of things that seemed to have ruined their entire lives (and they really do tell me this)…getting a lawyer…and calling me names I shouldn’t repeat. We tend to be a little desensitized to those who really have had a bad experience and just need someone to hear them out and help.
Thanks for the reminder, “Betty on my Belgian Waffles” is going an a post-it, if anything, it’ll make me laugh!
Having worked in Customer Service/retail for a good chunk of my life (and being one of the Bettys), I totally second what Kaysee said above. Sometimes, you’re as nice as you can be, and the customer will beat you down and spit you out for something you can’t control at all. I’ve been called horrible, horrible things, been physically assaulted, and even had my life threatened for things that I didn’t mess up and was in the process of trying to fix (all while being pleasant in the most genuine way possible – I understood why they were upset, and I wanted to make it right. But they wanted REVENGE). Maybe I was oversensitive, but working in that environment made me really, really bitter. I haven’t worked in that capacity in 6 years, and I still hate the general public. It’s really horrible what it’s done to me and my outlook on the world.
So, I know it might be hard, but try to forgive Stacey and John. They might have been right at the end of a 12 hour shift, or just got a new one torn for them from the previous customer. I know it’s still no excuse for bad customer service, but it happens occasionally. Sorry you had to be the one to get it.
Yes, I particulary enjoy when said customer service reps refer to you as Ms. Smith over and over again, in this annoying rather condescending tone until you don’t ever want to hear your last name again. Fucktards.
Your bed wobbled apart? Exactly what kind of wobbling was going on to make a piece of furniture collapse? Sounds like a charming sexual euphemism — “Honey, let’s wobble the bed to make sure its assembled properly” or simply “Wanna wobble?”
Tommy
I was thinking the same thing: “IT WOBBLED APART.”
Oh, that’s what the kids are calling it these days.
What set of gods did you piss off this weekend fish? I mean three, counted them again, three calls to customer service? Did you club a seal or skin 101 dalmations for a new coat in your last life? (that lasted part, what an effed up premise for children’s cartoon, makes me laugh).
I’m glad you held out with just a little sanity though. Of course like someone else said, think of all the fucktards you may run into on a daily basis and then think of those fucktards calling you with intent. I managed a retail, electronic store once in a past life, for about, oh 4 months. In that time I wanted to kill all the people. I’m happier now slaving away for a co. that likes to sodomize employees with work. I am also resentfully reminded how all the dumbasses out there with a chip on their shoulder ruined my two and a half hour wait experience as I try to get my cell phone bill straightened out Friday. Uh, hmmm.
Anyway, here is to a less than stressful Tuesday.
Recently I wrote a check to my student loan company for $100. They accidentally withdrew $600 from my bank account. Getting this rectified took MONTHS and by the end of it I had wilted.
A co-worker recommended that I listen to a piece on This American Life called “On Hold, No One Can Hear You Scream”. I felt so much better afterwards. If you want to, check it out – you and anyone else equallly frustrated by CS experiences. http://www.thisamericanlife.org – episode 12/5/03, The Middle of Nowhere, Act 2.
Sally, funny you mentioned student loans, cause this post made me think of Sallie Mae. I hate those fuckwads. Everytime I call the person on the other end of the phone has such a thick Indian accent I can’t understand a damn word. They are extremely rude and act like you are bothering them, even though that’s their job. I wrote them a letter stating that they need to hire people that can speak English.
Thanks for that, the laugh I needed for the day.
fucktards…that is so great!
i have often wondered what the best formula is in frustrating situations like the ones you describe. perhaps it’s being a super-sweet customer, understanding of the difficulties of being the fucktard on the other end of the phone? or maybe it’s best to be super-bitchy, complaining and yelling until you get what you want?
i think i’ve always caught more bees with honey, as they say, but frequently (like the half-dozen times i’ve fought with earthlink over their riduculous billing practices) the honey approach only serves to give me indigestion. i feel so much better after letting my voice rise and giving them a piece of my mind.
feh!
Being from the south, I have a very strong southern accent (a cross between Billy Bob Thornton & Forrest Gump) and when you mix that with “Johnny’s” Indian accent, I always find myself in a clusterfuck of a situation. About six months ago I was working with a client and we called Dell Support. When “Marty” answered, I tried to work with him for about 3 minutes before my client (who was listening in on speakerphone) picked up the line and abruptly said “Put me through to Austin”. “Marty” was only happy to comply. I have had to call tech support numerous other times since and if I can not understand him/her or vice-versa, they are usually happy to transfer me to a U.S. customer support center.
Is is some kind of sick joke that the drug name of Cialis actually begins with “ta-da”?
Is the profound power of the simple phrase “I’m sorry” not awe inspiring in its wonder? If only more people knew!
Have you ever called Apple’s customer service? They’re so nice you half want to call back a week later just to see how they’re doing.
Okay that’s nothing, trying talking to a cell phone company. Now that will make anyone feel worthless.
Btw neurotic is always in.
hi fish…i just want you to know that i like your blog just the way you are…it is the humor of the everyday that makes your blog so readable…like one of those movies that tells a story but not along a traditional plot and when it’s over you wish there was another one you could rent so you wouldn’t have to leave these people behind…that’s your blog and it’s why i keep coming back…
Love these stories, they suck at the time, but make for great tragicomedy later on.
a) Verizon. Me (when signing up): “All I need is a program that will let me call the US and Canada”. Service rep: “Canada is included in the 5 cents/min Anywhere program”. First bill arrives, I’ve been charged something like two bucks per minute and owe ~$400. I call to ask what’s going on, the kind rep fixes my bill on the spot, money-wise. Great, but…the next month, I’m still being charged a buttload of cash. And the next. On the 3rd month, I am told, “for Canada you need an international program, Canada is not included in the Anywhere program”. Me: “Oh, uh, that’s funny because I had specifically asked about calling family in Canada when I signed up”. Them: “Well, that’s not possible, no one would have told you that, you mustn’t have asked about Canada, cause we never include it in this program”.
b) a POSITIVE story: 1-800-mattress. I called at 4pm on a Sunday (after navigating the chaos that is Ikea in Elizabeth for a bedframe) and they showed up five hours later, set me up, took their garbage. So totally awesome.
oh telephone customer service. oh. i could explode just thinking about it. getting thru, to begin with. my god, just let me press zero, again, again, again because i just want a person, please, please.
Brandon suggested i visit your blog when i requested that people shre with me their faves and I’m happy he suggested yours. this is a nice place and i’ll be back.
Great laugh, thanks. There’s nothing like the suffering of others to pick up my day.
I’ve worked for, er, decades in retail and can say with certainty that the bad service/bad customer dynamic is self-reinforcing. Reps’ attitudes are lousy ’cause of all the abuse customers have heaped, the customers are wary and unforgiving ’cause of all the bad reps them experienced.
The best thing anyone can do on both sides is grit teeth and/or gird loins and be as nice as possible, regardless of the asshattedness of the other party. It probably won’t change anyone’s attitude but it’ll keep it from getting worse.
Oh, No! Please do not go public. My best argument here in Tel Aviv is to mention casually, This is not the kind of service one would get in NYC…
I would like to take this time to boast that I own fucktards.org.
THE END
I know this all to well! Two month ago after too much wine, I decided to online shop. I ended up buying Proactive Solution, which is a face cleansing program that makes your face look like Vanessa Williams. After 5 glasses of red wine, I will believe anything. Little did I know that once I order they “allow” me to join the Proactive Club and send me more products every two months and charge it to my card. How nice. Of course, they will ship to England and cause you to pay a $14.00 customs fee, but if you call them in america you reach someone in Boise, Idaho who states, “our customer service dept does not deal with overseas customers. You must give you complaints via the website.” WHAT? I was not the meek american expat in england after that comment…. *grrr*
DELL HAS THE
WORST!
CUSTOMER SERVICE!
EVER!
Working in the retail industry, I agree, there are some instances when a customer has a genuine complaint. It happens. What I cannot stand is the demanding people, who are total assholes from the start. Karma, you act like an ass, you get treated like an ass. You treat people badly, someone will treat you badly. That’s what I tell myself as I smile and mutter under my breath what an asshole someone is.
Oh my god. Dell customer service. It isn’t service. It is what turns normal people into ranting, raving, serial killers.
Sold my Dell stock shares last year and bought Apple – this decision was based on Apple’s customer service and my hatred for Dells’- logical huh and I actually made money on the trade.
I used to work at Dell and I feel your pain. I wasn’t customer service, but was damn near close.
I can’t tell you how much I love that word…fucktard.
Great post! Customer service my ass! I’ve been on a rampage all week about AOL Customer service. It’s AMERICA on line… but if you have to actually call them to SPEAK to someone, you will get someone in India who is reading a script. I don’t have anything against Indian people, but the irony kills me!
If you think that’s bad, be happy you don’t live in the UK!!! You can kick, scream, and cry and the ‘customer service’ people will tell you to go f*£k yourself! Even at the banks. (in the US you can always count on them to reverse a fee just by asking nicely)
http://snailie.blogspot.com/2003/06/my-computer-and-i-needed-beer-last.html
I swear it must be the same guy. How many evil Dell representatives named John could there be!?
I cannot recall a time that I have had a successful customer service experience with Dell!
geezus and a half, ive been fighting with dell for 3 days now. i *just want my computer to work, damnit!* i feel your pain.
Put ID thieves on the “Kill them slowly by drawing out their inner organs while they’re wide awake and on NoDoze…” list
Funny…I’ve felt the same way about the AOL customer service reps, most of the CS people employed by phone companies and those who work at discount retailers…
There are always those “I’m sorry ma’me…We’re here to help” people there to save the souls and karma of the whole bunch…
Google this:
“sekimori stacy hosting matters”
If you’re interested, I mean. HM must be a smallish company, and your conversation with “Stacy” sounds just like other tales that have circulated through the blogosphere about Stacy Tabb’s sharp tongue. I think she’s a principal of HM, not just a CSR.
Full disclosure: I’ve never done business with Stacy, Sekimori (her design firm), nor Hosting Matters (her? web hosting service). For all I know, the reports I’ve read are the inevitable fallout of being in a hi-tech customer service business.
Hey, first time commenting on your site. I lament to say you had a bad exp and I too am part of customer service side, like many other here. Sometimes people are inconsiderate of other’s situation. It happens everywhere. It should happen less in customer service, but unfortunately, it doesn’t.
“Expect the worst…” That’s what I always say.