We used to go on our Target Dates on Saturday afternoons. But when we started feeling an irrational and overpowering hatred for our fellow man and his offspring, Sarah and I decided it’d be best to do our discount department store bonding on weeknights.
While the lines were still long enough to catch up on pages and pages of glossy tabloid bile (I was, quite honestly, pretty damn curious as to why Charlie and Denise Richards split up), it seemed that the number of screeching children was down. Mostly.
There was still the kid throwing a tantrum because his mother wouldn’t let him ride under the shopping cart. (The mean-spirited part of me says she shoulda let him; experience is a good teaching tool.) And the little imp whose piercing cries sounded something like a Velociraptor’s right before it ripped someone’s flesh off. (One of our Executive Vice Presidents makes that noise. I shouldn’t have to hear it outside of work. Ever.)
Thankfully, though, for every obnoxious rug rat that made government subsidized birth control seem like a really good idea, Sarah and I encountered as least as many squishy-cheeked, giggly, pink-moccasin-wearing absolutely delicious babies. Oh my god, the cheeks. And the cuteness.
At one point Sarah stopped in the middle of the aisle, scrunched up her face and said,
“I just want to eat them!”
I had to laugh. It was so true. Not that either of us actually wanted to consume babies, but there really is no better way to describe that impulsive, genetic baby-love feeling. You do just want to eat them. It’s pretty overwhelming. But then so is the urge to give them right back to their mothers when all that Johnson’s Baby smell wears off and there’s diapers to be dealt with.
I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment.
aahhh, yes, eating babies. it was always my mother’s favorite past-time to bite baby butts. i think that every woman goes through that phase.. pinching, squeezing, eating little babies.
…
wow, that sounds really weird when written out.
Babies are great. But once they can walk and talk, it’s time to trade them in on quieter models.
Are you kidding?! The littlest ones have surprising lung capacities.
methinks i’d rather have my baby screaming nonsense to me than have him screaming hate words and vile teenage-speak. but, then again, they’re pretty much one-and-the-same, i suppose…
oooh, i think that kids are so cute once they start to speak and string words together into sentences. it’s amazing to see them learn. but yes, they do have amazing lung capacities. most parents still need to learn the whole put-some-muffler-into-mouth technique when the child starts to scream.
I love that you are familiar with Swift. The piece came to mind right when I saw the title of your post.
Yum.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
My mom still likes to bite my cheek and I am 24. Some parents just don’t grow out of that.
LOL…yep that’s about all I’ve got to say on that one
Thanks for the laugh.
My fiance and I get odd looks for quoting Eddie Izzard: “Babies taste of chicken. And chickens taste of human.”
We also like: “Do you have a flag?”
Both with the accent, of course!
Love him! Eddie that is. Fiance is wonderful too.
Um, I was typing my comment as “eddie” up there was. I’m assuming Fish knows all about Eddie Izzard’s funny line and if she didn’t, well then great minds think alike.
I feel exactly that way about children. I will see one that I totally want to eat and my clock goes into overdrive. Then in the next aisle I will see a little shit screaming at the top of his lungs and my clock will stop dead in it’s tracks.
oh i want to eat them, too. leta is a good one for eating, methinks. she is so yummy.
Have you noticed how incredibly smart babies are? They find the child-bearing-age women around them and then actually *flirt* with you! Nature is one suave set of pick-up lines…
Hi, I just ran across your site this morning… good stuff! Just wondering, I read an entry in January about an audition with NPR — how did that pan out?
Oh, I love babies alright, but I love freedom more!
Hi Beth,
It wasn’t an autition; they interviewed me for a program they were doing. You find a link to it at the right. “The United States of Dating.” Be warned, it’s sorta… dramatic.
Amen, sister! No babies for this girl (At least not in the near future), cute though they may be.
I heard Denise threw Charlie out because he spent all his time in the basement gambling online.
I have no comment on babies, except to say they make me itchy.
Related but sick:
http://www.eatbabies.com/index.html
I’m still trying to figure out exactly when my cute, adorable, cuddly baby turned into a whining, walking, little toddler…. I’m afraid of what I will wake up to next. But I do still love the little rugrat!
I’m so afraid to click on that “consume babies” link.
Rebecca, I totally love swift too! Maybe one day soon Fishie will get a “Modest Proposal” of her own, if you know what i mean. fingers crossed
WTF is that supposed to even MEAN?
I just have a quick question ( i love your site btw! i read it quite regulary and your writing as well as yourself are quite lovely!) – which Target do you go to? I live in Manhattan and for the LIFE of me cannot figure out how to get to one!
*sigh*
How I do miss Target . . .
~misty
Fish -
I wasn’t altogether sure I was ready for that commitment either… although 10 months ago I experienced it. And still unsure, I hesitantly approached the first diaper, the first bath, the first time he dumped an entire bowl of baby food carrots over his head and on my new shirt. And funny enough, you grow to love the commitment, or else the commitment just grows to be such a part of you you don’t realize how it has taken over your life. I wasn’t sure I was ready, and now I know one can never be ready for the great joy these bundles bring.
http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html
Yes, Dawn, I link to the very same essay in the above-post. I still don’t know what you’re getting at…
for some reason, i’ve always said, “That baby is so cute, i want to eat it.”
i’m not even sure what it means…because obviously i really don’t want to make a meal out of the kid…but for some reason, it always sounds just about right
Oh yes … stay away from Target on weekend afternoons. And the mall, for that matter.
There’s nothing worse than having an unwatched 3-year-old actually crawl under your fitting room door while you’re half-naked only to exclaim, “Mommy! There’s a naked girl in here!!!”
Yes, it happened. To me, of course.
I had to restrain myself from nibbling on the babe because he started biting back! But you brought to mind tonight the line from Where the Wild Things Are: “Please don’t go! We’ll eat you up, we love you so!” And I do. And you will. When it’s time.
my fave baby moment was when my son (3 years old at the time) crawled under a partition and said “MOM!!!! this lady has 4 titties!!!!!” I wanted to die! grrrr..it is much better being an auntie! spoil them, kiss em, hug em, bite their bums and send them home hyper!!
Love your site! I especially love the tee shirt! yep got one! I’ll be the envy of the ‘hood. hehehe
I have always thought people saying ”I just want to eat him/her!” was CREEPY. I hated hearing that about my child. Keep your grubby teeth off my kid, thanks all the same. Or even worse when people would say, ”I just want to take you home with me” Hi, that’s MY baby you are talking to. CREEPY.
Hi
Just wanna say that your Blog is great… Very funny post, although I really can’t stand babies… honestly… worse are only three-year-olds…
Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
Matthias
while i lack any maternal tendencies toward those blessedly dear screaming children, i admit that i have a tendency to attempt to eat my fuzzy pear-shaped rodent… because she’s just that unbearably cute!
chinchilla ears are particularly good for that mothering-type nibbling.
trust me!
Ah yes. I had a math teacher in high school who went off on some tangent (haha) while speaking to us, per usual. His theory about why babies are cute: so we *don’t* kill them, eat them, whatever.
Sometimes I think he has a point. Especially after listening to that whole velocirapotr scream….gah!
Yes, I fully understand thats why one of my girlfriends and I came up with the brilliant idea of “Rent a Baby”…you hang out with it as long as you want and then when it gets a tad overwhelming,smelly or LOUD …you give it back!!!! See? Kind of like daycare….except at your leisure! heh? heh? Brilliant!
Baby thighs are yummy! When my little one went through his all-too-brief period of chubbiness, I could not stop biting his thighs.
Heaven. That and the smell of the tops of their heads.
how bout you just take mine for the weekend? ill send you pictures first and if you like em I can pay you for your time.