Whatever the opposite of awesome is, that’s how I feel today. Blank, actually. That seems like the best word to describe this. I feel somewhat blank today.
I spent the first official morning of Unemployment wandering the mall. Oh, blessed contradiction. When I have no income, what do I do? I go shopping. Though, unless you count the two predictably-worded birthday cards I picked up in Papyrus, I didn’t go buying. So no harm done, really.
I tried to do some buying at the grocery store later, and that’s where I ran into trouble. I spent a solid hour there and couldn’t manage to put anything in my cart. In the end, I went to the checkout counter with four containers of yogurt, a loaf of bread, and some toy mice for Hal. A Please don’t hate me for leaving you for two weeks gift. My parents used to bring us Skittles or airplane goodies when they went away, and that always seemed to work. Taste the rainbow, Hal, and pretend I’m a good pet parent.
When I left the store, I sat at a stoplight on Lovers Lane and cried, because I realized what kind of predicament I’m in, exactly. The not having a job thing. It, too, is the opposite of awesome. When the light changed, I wiped my nose on my bare arm. I might have felt silly, boo-hooing, knowing that people in cars on both sides of me could see, but, well, I just learned that my father routinely falls asleep at red lights, and by comparison, crying seems far less absurd.
My trip West was so much more stressful than I’d imagined it being. Over the last week, we managed at least one crisis per day. Our personal best: fewer than six hours between the car breaking down and the dog running away. Even when you can see the humor in it (like, Henry Hill knocking my dad flat on his ass to ditch the house for a park adventure), it’s perfectly exhausting. Especially if you’re a fixer.
Hi. My name is Heather, and I’m a fixer.
Thing is, I rarely feel any sort of compulsion to please people. In fact, I piss people off all the time because my pretty little compulsion is to make things right. You there, why are you crying? This situation can be remedied! Here, let me. I know it comes across as bossy, and I imagine people resent it (how could they not?) that I care less about them liking me than I do about the ease and orderliness of their existence. In the absence of true leadership (i.e. someone who actually knows what they’re doing), I will almost always appoint myself Person-in-Charge. I don’t like to see people stressed, or in chaos, or crying. So I will do whatever it takes to stop it. Even if, it turns out, that means absorbing the stress myself. I might be broke, but I will make myself broker to stop you from crying. The end result being that I get cranky and need to nap a lot. Most of the last thirty-six hours, in fact.
Obviously, this is something I should be talking about to a therapist of some kind. But we’ll save that for a time when I’m employed and insured. So, um, anyway, I think I’m going to go take a nap now.
if you lived in austin, i would be taking you to see a movie at Alamo Drafthouse this afternoon. it’s rainy out, and really… what could be better than a movie + booze + friends?
::Hug:: I hope that you feel better soon. I too am a fixer who compulsively purchases greeting cards. Even though you can’t see it now, this too will pass.
Boo being broke. The other day I put back a can of tuna fish because I didn’t “need” it. Then I (like you), went home for a nap.
Heather, your honesty is so refreshing. Keep it up, girl.
better days will come.
when i used to feel like this, i would go to the book store. MUCH better than the supermarket. (though chocolate wouldn’t hurt)
Feel better soon!
I get drained with emotions too and just have to sleep. Right now, I just let the biggest yawn out while talking to my boss. You know, because that is what a hurt puppy stuck in the vet for at least a week will do to you, especially when that puppy has been yours for 14 years.
I love your writing and your blog. It makes me feel normal.
Do you ever go back and read your blog about other stressful times in your life to gain perspective?
I hope this will be a crisis-free week for you – sounds like you could use the break.
I lost my job a year and a half ago… It sucked… I didn’t have any notice, I was just sent home with a blank stare on my face!
I called my best friend, went over to her house, drank a lot of wine, made wantons, and cried… alot!
The next day I persued a new job like no bodies business!
It’s tough, but you are strong! Good Luck! This might be the best thing to ever happen to you… I know mine has become that!
I was in EXACTLY the same spot last year at this time. The day after Labor Day I was told that it was my last day in my old job….I remember the shock and sadness that filled me….and even though everyone told me how things will work out, I had such a hard time believing it.
But.
Newsflash.
They did work out.
They will work out for you as well.
Hi Fish. Hugs to ya. Crying is actually good/healty for you as it is a stress reliever. No shame in that. I participated in crying several times this past Labor Day weekend. You know where you’re supposed to bbq w/ppl you love & visa vera, drink enormous amounts of alcohol until you pass out, and get a great sunburn?….yeah, didn’t do any of that this weekend. None of that actually. It was more like suffering inside. I would have rather done anything else than be at home this past weekend. I, too, am a fixer. It’s and exhausting self-appointed, thankless position. My bf & I fought for most of the weekend. It was kinda like…um…sorta like..hell…yeah, that’s it. So I am right there with ya girl. Sending good thoughts and good vibes your way.
hoping for fixes for you soon. rest up and take care!
I know the feeling. I think it comes from wanting to fix something – anything! – so much that I start looking around at other people. I might not be able to fix my own life, but I’m really good at helping other people fix theirs! (Also, I kind of hope they will return the favor….)
Hang on, Heather. It’s going to work out.
Must be something going around – I’m in Houston and unemployed as of last Tuesday- we can go nap at the pool together and bring along a box of tissues then go watch a Hugh Grant movie and cry.
This is the kind of problem that I turn to hair metal for a solution. Alas, I cannot find a solution for you. You, however, being much smarter than I, will surely find one. Probably in the form of another job. I think this would be a great opportunity to become a jack of all trades. Work full time at borders and then part time at a drive thru liquor store or shootin’ range.
Sorry, I guess that’s not a solution either. I’ll shut up now.
Hoping the nap helps… and life gets better soon.
Sounds like you have what my mother used to call “the poor me’s” — which is not a criticism, it sounds like you absolutely deserve to have the poor me’s! My advice is to not deny yourself, let yourself feel bad, and do what you need to do to get yourself through it. This too shall pass.
I swear you are in my head sometimes! Like many who comment and many more who don’t…we all send good juju, vibes, mojo…whatever they are calling it…your way. You are far too talented to be unappreciated or underappreciated. That said, somehow we have to go through the lows to get to the highs. Especially creative people, I find. It is in these “swings” that we find our inspiration and thus create something that others relate to but often cannot really express. Take comfort, if not power, in that superb quality of yours. And tomorrow, the Universe will provide in the way that it always does when indeed we wonder if it ever will! And thus we nap…with Hal.. while the Universe works away. And then we do something really good for us like Yoga or a run…if you can deal with the sweltering heat. Or eat Skittles with Hal.
We are so alike right now. I have been unemployed by choice for the last 6 months living off a school loan to finish a degree. However, now after spending almost 20,000 (uggph!)I need a job like NOW. I just want to take a nap. I woke up this morning at 9, 2 hours later I napped and am tempted to nap now.
Good luck to you on your search and please wish me the same. My back hurts from so much sleeping, which makes me want to take an aspirin and…guess what?
Oh, and I’m also starving because paying for food is now freaking me out and my clothes are no longer fitting… which won’t look good at a job interview, swimming in my clothes, will it?
Falling under the Fixers category myself, rather than write sypathetically about your woes, perhaps i suggest setting up a donations section on the page where everyone who has received joy as a result of your writing could perhaps spare a dollar or two so you can buy a little more than yogurt on your next trip to the supermarket!
you are the best. you care. you give. i bet you have no idea how much you are appreciated.
awww fish I feel your sadness, i hate being “blank”, I often make myself blank by being the “fixer” like you, but as everyone else said above it will pass, my mom always tells me that in order for things to get better you will need to hit rock bottom…. also i like kymberley’s idea about donations, yogurt and bread can’t possibly be a healthy meal
I am emailing your post to my therapist, since this is what I have been trying to express, and apparently wasting co-pays on. I hope you get something easy to fix in your path soon, and hope even more that you are offered a job with lots more challenging but not-impossible things to fix very soon.
henry hill and i thank you from the bottoms of our hearts. henry hill and i thank you from the bottoms of our hearts.
Things are going to get better soon!! Hang in there. Hugs from St. Louis.
Feel better–I was unemployed for several months, but I just got two job offers and am stuck now making a decision. Hopefully, you’ll be in a similar situation soon…
My company has an office in Dallas — we have positions open there. How do I get in touch with you? rcstevenson@magellanhealth.com
heather:
i read your blog for the first time a few weeks ago, and i just love it. you are so refreshingly honest and unobtrusively hilarious, and at the same time so apt with words: there is no reason for you to bum about anything!
the last thing you need is a “job” – what you need is to find a career that embraces all that you are, and create a life that allows you to 1. write! lots! more! all the time! and 2. be funny and happy and sad and serious all at the same time, in essence, be you.
i say this is the beginning of your “fame” (which ps: you already have SO many fans) and your “fortune” is hopefully right around the corner…
best of luck…
-from a freelancing photog/writer/traveler who has made her way around the world by chance, luck and a crazy string of wild jobs.
I don’t have a job too and I don’t have money. I want to cry, but I couldn’t cry. Can you teach me how to cry, heather?
I never comment but I faithfully read. You are so normal and so extraordinary at the same time. That is all. Good vibes your way, girl.
In LA the unemployed ‘actors’ hang out by the beach. In NYC the hipsters are making things up as they go along. DJs are often honest by saying there’s other ‘consulting’ opportunities. Presentation is everything. So to return the co-dependant favor – network with the mediabistro chapter in your community. BTW my ex’s behind is fantastic and more awesome after kids. Part of the reason our separation occurred was due to the Sep. 11 downturn in NYC economy. The responsible industry I trusted for my livelihood went down the toilet – I saw it get outsourced to India and China. Just when you thought is was safe to go back in the water, the IT industry was paying far less for the same position as there was more competition in the market place. Hence a career makeover (reinvent) return to music for me. Downturn of the music industry to downloading? Nonsense, there’s more opportunity for an entrepreneur such as yourself. Do some crying in the beer and get on w/ it.
Cool runins, keep dancin’ and karaokeing
I am also laid off. Our location is closing in two months. I was told two months ago and I have been feverishly looking for a job but nothing yet. They are taking the furniture out of here and disassembling the place around our ears. It’s very upsetting.
Hang in there. There is hope! We’ll get jobs! Maybe it will be a whole new (GOOD!) experience.
**Hugs**
Hi, my name is Christina and I’m a fixer.
Mainly for my sister who is dragging me down big time right now. I understand how you feel. I give her the last bit of money I have to buy food with, because I feel I have to.
I take naps all the time.
Good luck, I know it’s rough, but you’ll find a great job soon, one that will be better than the last. Just keep your chin up.
Heather, the same thing happened to me a couple of months ago. Your position has been eliminated, oh wait, no it hasn’t, oh wait it has again. Then a few weeks later, can you come back to work and now I am back to being jerked around again! Its so frustrating!!!! ARGH!!! I only stick around because it is freelance work and is so flexible with having a small child and my going back to school. If it weren’t for that I would tell them to stick it in their ear!!!!
wow-i love the honesty of your recent postings. i’m recently unemployed and know it’s a confusing time. one positive of my new free time is that i found YOUR blog! i think you’re extremely talented. this time in our lives may be the chance to take risks or change things that have been put off forever. i think that smart young women, still too often, doubt ourselves and all that we have to offer. use this time to recognize your strengths and reflect on what you really value. i see my situation as a “push out the door” but a push or shove that motivates is fine with me–point is i won’t fall. i also have a feeling you won’t fall! this situation will lead to better opportunities for you. trust me- “optimistic” would not be listed in the top 20 ways my friends would describe me-however-i do feel confident stuff will work out for you. i hope the same for myself-until then i will embrace my current role as that girl people keep seeing taking things out of her grocery cart!
good luck & long-live taking naps!
I ususally just read, first time commenter. I was laid off for 6 months a few years back. It was awful. I refused to take anything from anyone. A pride thing, I guess. I cried when my grandmother bought me a week’s worth of groceries without me knowing. I felt guilty for going out and spending money to see Lilo and Stitch with my youngest sister. Had an anxiety attack…my doc put me on Xanax, which I immediately stopped taking, because it made me gain 10lbs in a week. I got credit card debt, which I’m still paying off. It was 6 months of hell. Things will get better for you! Unfortunately, things take time and patience. Don’t be afraid to let it out. We all need a good cry now and then…it’s good for us. Keep your chin up.
http://www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm
Tools for Handling Control Issues
Overcoming the Need to Fix
Content:
What is the need to fix?
What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?
How is the need to fix a control issue?
What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?
Ways to overcome compulsive fixing Steps to overcome the “fixer” role
And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain. And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
Kahlil Gibran
There wasn’t room to say this, Fish, when I included the Gibran poem, but my life has been extremely painful for the last several years and this poem has helped keep me going. I must have a mighty thick shell to crack. Maybe you do too. Keep working at it and remember to be VERY kind to yourself. That is so important.
Fish – i to was in your situation – and it did get better – and they will for u too – just keep your head up
Leaving Hal for two weeks does not a bad pet parent make you. 5 months is.
I think we lead parallel lives. I too am out of a job, but I freelance for the most part to make ends meet. And, my dad has been falling asleep at red lights since…well…forever. There is a direct connection between my dad’s eyes and the light. As it turns red his eye lids close and when it turns green they open with no prompting. Weird. Really, really really weird.
I’ve been jobless too many times to count. Your awesome though, I look forward to reading your blog everyday and I’m sure things will look up soon – just keep putting one foot in front of the other girl. Feel free to dump on us anytime – we love the honesty.
I came across your blog by chance and I really enjoy reading it daily. Reading yours inspired me to make my own. I really feel like I can relate to a lot of what you say. I completely understand the need to fix. I am a people pleaser by nature and it is frustrating when you try and help and then become more stressed out yourself. Hang in there with the unemployment, I have been there as well, as in the month of June. I have become a perpetual job searcher, trying to get my dream job. So if you know anyone in need of teachers..just kidding. Have a fantastic day. I look forward to seeing what’s up next in your blog!
This is a blurb in your life…you will get over this – don’t let it get you down! Take a week, feel sorry – then get to work getting work! You’re smart, funny, witty and charming – if you can’t get hired doing something in Texas, then they don’t deserve you! Good Luck – your fellow Fixer!
This is a really great website for job searching in the journalism field in Dallas. http://dfwcommunicators.com/
Best of luck!!!
Sorry for the job loss. I have been kinda off and on looking for about a year. I get to be picky, but that is because I have one. I just found your blog, linked from bicycle-sidewalk.com. Thought that I would drop my sympathy comment here as well.
You will find something, with a 4% unemployment rate though it could be tough.
I’m Jerilyn…and I am a ‘fixer’, too.
Unfortunately, this summer, I couldn’t ‘fix’ the things that happened. The unexpected death of my far-too young father (massive heart attack at 56)…then nineteen days later, the death of his baby sister (at the age of 43).
My ‘fix’ gene just didn’t cut it, you know?
But, I feel for you…I truly do. I was in your shoes in 2004. Unemployed (by choice), I packed up my life and moved to the DFW area on a wing and a prayer. Three years later, I have a great job, a cute little condo…and two hellacious (yet adorable) dogs.
If I had happened to see you sobbing at the light on Lover’s…I swear I would have knocked on your window and offered to let you come over for a glass (or eleven) of wine.
I manage HR operations for a company headquartered here in Dallas – and while I don’t work in your field, I network with MANY HR professionals. I’d love to try to help put you in touch with anyone I know!
I hear you on being a fixer and the frustrations that arise when there is NOTHING that can be done to fix a situation. It is such a helpless feeling.
Hope you find a new job (that you love!) soon!
YAY! I’m fixed!
(Don’t worry, I can still have babies)
My Financial Aid came through! And now I can pay you back for the muy expensive text books you bought me.
Muah!
It wasn’t until I read another blog post who was asking about web-writer type jobs, that I realized I might have a suggestion for you!
http://www.krop.com/
It can be techy – but i do see “writer” jobs pop up.
Also, as a little tidbit, from someone who lives in LA and watches my friends do the unemployment cycle every May (tv hiatus), you will land on your feet, so be smart and active in your job search, but also to the best of your ability enjoy your time off.
GoodLuck!
I heart your blog.
Hugs to you Heather! I’ve got a great therapist out here in Plano. Ask your mom for my email / phone… I found out about your blog from her originally… at a church campout. I sent her and Bob a job possibility for you as I don’t know your email address and didn’t want to post mine on your blog.
I am a fixer, too. That whole paragraph you wrote about it is me and I am glad I am not the only one. Yours is the only blog I read on a regular basis and I absolutely love your insight on so many things that are near and dear to my heart. As a fellow writer, I am glad to know there are others out there who truly know how to get a point across.