It was in January, shortly after I fell to pieces over my Richard/Monica situation* and I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do: getting right back on the horse. We met watching a college basketball game, flirted over too many cocktails and then, in true post Gen X fashion, got to know each other better in the most intimate of intimate settings. MySpace.
This URL is listed on my profile. Naturally. I’ve been writing this site for six years come July and it’s as much a part of me as where I live or my phone number. Only, more so, because unlike my zip code, it doesn’t change every few years.
As he read up on my (mis)adventures, part of me couldn’t help but cringe. What a time to meet me! I was still, in my heart of hearts, convinced that I would never be happy again, despite a very sincere determination to try. It’s worth noting that I was up front about all of that when we met; I don’t believe in false advertising. The lesson he took away from his reading, however was not exactly what I’d expected. He did express concern over his bad timing, but then he said something unexpected. He asked if I’d ever intended for any of the relationships I wrote about to work out.
Kapow!
I’m pretty certain that punching me in the chops would have achieved the same effect. First, shock, then came some form of anger (indignation, maybe?), but then I cooled off, telling myself that he couldn’t know. All he saw was a girl who put her love life (no matter how finely edited) out on the Internet for… entertainment.
“That’s a fair question,” I told him, finally. “And yes, of course I sincerely wanted them to work.”
He took me at my word. Not everyone is willing to do that.
It crosses my mind, every once in a while, to retire the blog. I worry what it says about me to people who don’t know me. I can understand how it looks reckless — crazy, even — and attention hungry. At one point, it probably was. But it stopped being any of those things many years ago. I worry that when I don’t write clearly enough, it’s hard to see that, even as a truly accomplished smart-ass, I am (with some notable exceptions) thoughtful, careful and well-intentioned. Or I try to be. Oh, the things I hold back! I don’t (intentionally) exploit the people I love for a good story. I don’t even rat out the rattiest of the rat bastards until long after their stars have faded and I can’t remember having ever dialed their numbers.
But that isn’t always how it appears. And lately, I’ve been wondering more and more if having a public life doesn’t present a very real threat to my private one.
(Don’t worry: I’m not going anywhere at the moment; just ruminating.)
*If you don’t describe all your life events in terms of Friends episodes (weirdo), this scenario is best described as a younger female, dating an older, basically perfect-for-her male, until he announces he absolutely does not ever, not ever ever, want children. So, the romance terminates in a tragic stalemate, she cries herself to sleep (and awake) and eats way too much Ben & Jerry products. The end.
don’t stop sharing your life with us, if anything use code names and pictures..there has been countless times when your stories have made me feel ok, normal and a bit funny. I’ve been reading this blog for years – don’t take your humor away from us!
You sound like Carrie in Sex and the City.
It sounds like a possibility. I’ve often wondered how those who so embrace the trappings of the Internet (not to say this is what you did) are able to keep a part of themselves private. I am a very private person, as such I don’t subscribe to MySpace, Facebook, etc. because although I may want to interact with others, I don’t want to interact with EVERYONE.
I’m all for being social, however, I think the Internet lends a sort of distance to what is “exposed” and at times, the repercussions may not make it worth it. I guess the next question may be, can I still do this without giving everything? I think so. You are very talented writer/storyteller and I suspect you will be able to find a balance. The fact that you have become aware of this shift is good.
Fish, may I say that I have always really enjoyed reading your stories and empathise with many of them. You are a gifted writer and I don’t see exploitation in the stories but a clever and often surprisingly clear-sighted view on your life and emotions (surprising because I don’t think that I can see the events in my own life with half so much clarity or connection with my true emotions).
Reading your blog has often helped me to feel alright with some of the more silly situations I get into, or the more overwhelming emotions that engulf me – it’s not just me.
Keep writing fish!
fish, my fellow relationship-blogger and i know exactly where you’re coming from.
at first it seems fun and daring, but after watching a few relationships turn sour in front of an online audience… our perspectives can change.
i’ve had moments where i wanted to delete my entire online identity, not wanting to be typecast, misunderstood… or stalked.
but with a clear head, i’ve decided that isn’t the way to go and neither should you. too many people enjoy reading your words… because of he way you tell stories. so don’t stop because of a comment like the one you heard.
i had someone tell me i’d be “un-date-able” because of my blog. i had exes write nasty, public things in response to posts i’d created that didn’t even use their names or likeness.
and then guess what…
i met a guy who loves the way i write. who understands that a blog is just that. a piece of writing. a form of entertainment.
he may not always read it… but i think i prefer it that way;)
Aw Fish, I read your blog and continue to check in everyday since I first found it at some point in 2004. You, young lady, are a very fine, funnyu, intelligent, thought-provoking writer and yes, that, which you chose to share is personal but, it’s also what makes it so special. You are a fabulous story teller! I can’t wait to hear what tales you’ve chosen to write about…whether you wanna bitch about your neighbors or how much you love your cat or, how dangerous it can be for you to take a jog on your path.
I’ve appreciated every story… every secret…. every personal thought that you’ve written because I find myself either going through the same thing or having had gone through it or, simply… that sure was a good laugh!
Perhaps some people “read” too much into what you had to say but, (and I know you know this) that’s their problem not yours.
I do hope you continue and if not, I’ll respect your decision. I’ll miss ya for sure but, I will completely understand.
One favor..just give me(us) a “head-up” so that I(we) can wish you well.
I’ve actually been reading a lot about mental health issues as they pertain to bloggers – when are you divulging TOO much, etc. But I think you do a fab job of revealing enough of your personality but still leaving enough mystery to leave readers coming back for more. IMO, anyway
WG – see, I’ve been reading those too! And it makes me worry that maybe I’m crazier than even I think I am (and ordinarily, I try to be VERY upfront about my crazy). I just don’t want to jeopardize the rest of everything.
Everyone – I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Just ruminating!
I think you do a fine job of drawing the line. Some bloggers over share, but you’re not one of them (at least not in recent years!). You didn’t write (much) about your Richard until after it was over…so what’s the problem?
The idea that you would go to all the trouble of getting into relationship JUST to write about them is absurd. I don’t like that guy’s question. I think he was way off base.
I’m not sure about describing my life events in terms of Friends episodes. I may have a few similarities but not enough. I do reference Saved by the Bell in a lot of situations…I’m not sure what that says about me except I like smart-alec men like Zack Morris.
Yes. Yes you live a portion of your well-edited life on your blog. How much of your life is it? I dare to say 2% of your life. Surely, in this world of growing cyber openess, 2% is nothing too much to share.
Besides, your blog is a guilty addiction. And HOW DARE YOU to make your readers suffer?!?!
I think that what that guy said to you as far as asking you if you expected any of the r’ships that you’ve been in to work out was waaaaaaay INSULTING to you, don’t you agree?
I mean, love is love, in whatever way or form it may come in. Love does not discriminate. Love is not a number (as in how long it may/may not last). That’s just silly talk to me.
Plus, he obviouly doesn’t know you well enough, or didn’t read your blogs close enough to ‘get it’.
It just sounds like he is jealous of all the other guys to me! LOL
You hardly ever post anymore anyway.
Hmmm… I post, on average, three times a week.
I think that you can do both–have a relationship and write witty stories. Besides, I really don’t feel that you overshare. We (readers) don’t even know if you are currently in a relationship or not, and it doesn’t really matter. You post funny stories and situations that other people can identify with because we’ve been there too. Maybe he was just intimidated that he might be discussed on this blog and I’m sure that you could reassure him that if he wants to keep his life private, that he can. Anyways, the short version of this comment was just to tell you that I appreciate your writing and your blog. You are really gifted with words.
Fish, I love your blog. Remember: EVERY woman is reckless, crazy, and attention hungry. It comes with having a vagina.
Whoohoo! Two days in a row with Tom Selleck weaved into the storyline. Oh please, go for three!
Well now I HAVE to, don’t I?
Ohmy! There is a Friends or Sex and the City reference to describe just about every moment in life. Explaining life in pop culture code just makes it more fun or bearable, I can’t decide which.
I have been reading this blog for about a year and have never left a comment. I just want you to know how much I enjoy hearing about your life’s adventures. Things are not so great right now, but you always brighten my day. For that I say thanks!
After reading this site for the past year on the recommendation of a friend, I must say how much your writing and openness is appreciated. At the end of the day, it’s a very…honest site. Not necessarily that you share everything, nor is that what it’s supposed be about, but the things you *do* write about and so poignant and..real.
Thank you, and I truly hope that this site stays a part of you.
Are there really people who don’t reference Friends when describing life events?
I hate to be the one to say it, but yeah, having an active online life can threaten your real life in ways you might regret. I came dangerously close myself. That’s why I had to lock down the fort. It still makes me sad, but now the only way to read my journal is to become a friend on LiveJournal. I miss the interaction I used to have with the public, but not the endless worries. I guess it depends on your job, but in my case, it was just too risky.
(I was pretty candid in my journal. Yours is not shameful.)
I went back to that post and reread my comment. Sigh, how little progress I have made. And by little, I mean none.
I would like to know why the guy asked you that question? Was there something in particular that made him ask? We can all jump to the conclusion that he was judging your for… I don’t know what… sabotaging your relationships? Being self-destructive? Doesn’t sound like a very male thought process to me. Especially because he took your explanation at face value. Perhaps he was just being facetious? Or trying to push your buttons? Either way, don’t ruminate too hard. Your writing fills a big hole in my life. Every time I see a new blog entry, I smile
wait.
I don’t think you’re any of those things. Have I been reading the wrong thing?
I like sharing your life this way although we’ll never meet and you have nothing like my life and you don’t really know me……
It’s like you’re the naked fat guy!!!!!! I feel so cool……
(cause if you’re the naked fat guy, then I’m Phoebe. Yay!)
Oh, wow, from reading the other comments, it looks like a lot of people have gone through the question of, “is this too much?” in their blogging lives.
I forget that I have my blog URL on my Facebook, and once, my boyfriend’s brother ran across an entry about an ex and how I found out he was cheating on me (smelling latex on him during oral), and it led to a lot of uncomfortable conversations between the bf and me (about how it’s not really his place to censor me but that what I write is still a reflection of “us” to others, blah blah).
So for now, I’m laying off the bawdy stories, because I am just not gutsy enough. But you, on the other hand, I applaud you for your boldness and that you’ve dared to share your life with us. I would be heartbroken if you stopped writing about the gritty or the romantic parts of your life (or, gasp, stopped writing at all), but I think everyone would understand why you would do so.
Wish you the best.
so I’ve been reading your blog for several years now and never felt compelled to leave a comment. but there’s a first time for everything and from the moment I read the title of this post I knew I had to break my silence. i’ve suspected for a while that you might be a (bit) older, gutsier version of myself and now you’ve sealed it. exhibit A: Ray Lamontagne lyrics or any reference to said musical genius. exhibit B: “*If you don’t describe all your life events in terms of Friends episodes (weirdo)” yeah, definitely been doing that since 7th grade…and I’m not ashamed to say my husband and I still do. it might, just *might* be the reason I fell in love with him ;o)
It’s hard to explain what we do and why we do it to non-bloggers. But anyone who “gets” you will understand. And accept it as part of you, like your desire for children and love of sweetened dairy products.
Oh, Fish, how can it be TMI when your writing resonates with so many readers; at some point this must be evidence that you are simply expressing universal truths!
Of course, if it ever feels wrong to you, then by all means stop writing.
But today, you are the classiest blogger I know.
If I were your _teenage kid_ I wouldn’t be embarrassed by your writing, and that juxtaposition nearly guarantees mortification.
I have to say, as someone that only knows you from reading your blog, even though I feel like I know you…reading it for 3+ years, you dont come across as any of those things to people who really read your blog. We would miss you if you left, I know you said you not going anywhere, but just so you know!!
oh i’ve read your blog since 04 and bought the t-shirts.
please don’t leave. if you quit writing i will simply insist that we become friends in real life… i think you are wonderful!
The guy I’m currently dating objects outrightly to me talking about on my blog so I’ve had to actually be more careful about what I say in general. Basically he didn’t want the rest of the world to know how good (or bad) our relationship is. He has a point to some extent. So what I’ve been blogging about is what we talk about that anyone can relate to.
I only recently discovered your blog, but I did go back and read your older posts. I enjoy your sense of humor, and your ability to laugh at yourself. I think I can understand the desire to be less public, but I hope you will be here for a long time, because I enjoy reading your blog.
I didn’t read above comments so this may be repetitive, but perhaps a nice compromise would be to stick with story telling that may or may not be based (loosely) on your own life experiences, with anonymous characters? As a longtime reader, your stories are my favorite posts anyway.
I think it is extremely brave, yet risky, for single women to blog about their personal lives. The minute you write “I think this….” or “I did that” – here come the opinions and judgements. You may not care one whit what some random reader in Nebraska thinks, but obviously you do care what a new guy may think. (And what if the random reader from Nebraska is this guy’s mother? Just a silly thought- which by the way would only be funny on TV, not real life.)
I guess you just have to decide if the good outweighs the bad…. good luck with your decision.
I have been writing all my life and only recently started blogging publicly on my myspace page. Then I realized that I am a kinda public figure around here and anyone could look me up, my mother may read what I write, my boyfriend, my kid. So I deleted a whole bunch of stuff on the myspace and created a secret blog for all the stuff I want to write that I want to control access (the URL above, a gift to the School of Fish, not much juicy stuff there yet) and I am even going to create another (for the particularly juicy).
When you are in your position, Fish, with your real name, location and photo right there for everyone to see, plus being promoted by IVillage, then yeah, you are a kind of celebrity and your public/private stuff is going bleed into each other. Men can be particularly picky about what they consider private info even when no names are mentioned.
The thing is while you are eloquent and give us enough to keep us coming back for more, you are also discrete. No one not involved could get details that could embarrass anyone. And those involved already know the details anyway. All my girlfriends do, who cares if a few thousand voyeuristic strangers do too?
You make me feel normal, you empower me to be myself and remind me that we are all Goddesses in our own right. I would really miss you if you stopped.
lol. i do relate most of my life’s events to some sort of “Friends” episodes. Many of my sentences start like “Did you ever see that Friends episode where….? Well this is like…” insert things where needed.
I’m so happy to find someone who does this too. makes me feel less crazy.
but Fish – if you leave, what am I supposed to read when I drink my morning coffee? (I know there are better reasons than my blatantly selfish one, but I’ve only taken three sips of said coffee and cannot think of anything at the moment.)
Read your blog all the time! But this is my first comment. I think you said it best fish that this blog is so much a part of you I think if u can’t find someone to excpet you blog and all are they really worth it? Someone who truly loves you and wants what’s best for you shouldn’t make you choose between something you love (blogging) and them.
Fish, I found your blog about a year ago at a very difficult point in my life and I must say it put a smile on my face on the gloomiest of days. I write as well although am not brave enough to blog, lets just say if u were to stop blogging I wouldn’t have a vicarious outlet, so for truly selfish reasons, I implore u to scare this thought of not blogging into a whimpering blimp and push it into the deepest sulcus of ur cranium!
Very simply, people are either exhibitionists or voyeurs. I am a shameless voyeur. I have zero interest in publicly sharing my life with others, but I love reading about yours and others who care to share. This probably explains my addiction to reality TV as well.
From reading your blogs, I’ve developed a fondness for the word “wee”. I may have to adopt it into my… common vocabulary. With a Scottish accent.
I appreciate your honesty. Putting it out there is hard, and sometimes what’s entertaining is also true. I learn more about myself, good and bad, by blogging than I ever did journalling.
Been reading your blog for a while now and it continues to put a smile on my face each day. You’ve inspired me to blog myself. Keep up the great work!
good song and good post. perhaps because you let the dust settle before you write about someone, you reflect a certain detachment or resignation. but your true passion for “can’t-live-without-you” love (Carrie style) always shows through.
It feels so good to write. Don’t stop writing!
Having said that, I also understand where you’re coming from. Maybe after 6 years, the seasons come to an end? The difference between Friends and even Sex and The City, well, is your stories are real, and your life will keep going. But c’mon, sharing is caring. So, keep writing! It’s part of who you are.
Some bloggers, such as yourself, don’t get enough credit because a blog is a medium that can be accessed by any crazy dimwit with a computer. However, these bloggers transcend being simply bloggers and earn the title of “writer.” I think of you more as a writer of mini-memoirs, or a columnist. It’s not your entire livelihood, but it is a paying job, and your writing touches/helps people. I think your “lobster” will be someone who falls in love with your writing, even if he asks to not be a subject of it. (Do I get extra credit for working in “Friends”?)
ahh yes, I’ve had these issues. But the truth is, the TRUTH is always BEST. and that is what makes blogs so lovely, amazing, REAL, and if anything whoever it is you’re dating should love you even more for that….
I wish everyone had the pleasure of knowing you the way I know you. Then there would never be any question about your intentions.
Fish,
Don’t second guess yourself or your actions. This is YOU. and the person that is right for you is going to take you as is. No changes- that’s like saying- i love my job and am very successful, but this guy i went out with doesn’t like that i make more than him- so I might quit.
come ON! You obviously have a talent for writing and sharing, and those who really know you, know that none of what you say is meant in a mean way. If people have a problem with you writing about them, then that’s one thing- and you can censor your stories in those instances, but don’t stop doing something you love because of what other people think.
The grass is always greener on the otherside, you know?