Yesterday was not exactly the best day I’ve ever had. Among actual real people problems, my thighs were touching a little too much for my happiness, I hadn’t gotten enough sleep, my apartment was dirty, and someone in particular was rising so fast to the top of my shit list that I was having fantasies about voodoo practices. Or murder-for-hire. I mean, by now I’ve watched enough hours of Law & Order to know how not to do it. Surely I’d be able to pull it off. But since I wasn’t feeling creative enough for doll-making, and hiring a hit man turned out to way, way unrealistic in terms of my budget this month, I opted for a little friend therapy.
Lucky, lucky Ari got the full whinery tour.
“… and I really freaking hate So-and-So.”
“I feel the same, except I hate everyone always.”
“Wow. I only hate specific people on some days. But that’s just because I have a recessive Mary Tyler Moore gene.”
“Well put. So what do you anticipate the highlight of your day being?”
“I got nothin’.”
“OK – let’s do this together, because I have nothing either. Want to seethe boys that broke my heart and then you can mock my hideous taste inutterly unworthy men? There are some gut-busting laughs to be had.”
She wasn’t kidding. My own list of unworthy men just makes me cringe, but hers – complete with photos of the subjects in what appeared to be the 2008 Mark Paul Gosselar Sportswear Collection – was truly hilarious. And god love her, just what I needed. Is it schadenfreude when you’re laughing with love? I hope not. Because knowing that someone else has had it worse than you – man, that’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving.
The ice cream cone I scarfed after lunch didn’t hurt either. Except, obviously, with the thigh thing.
AW
I didn’t even realize that its cheddar-filled awesomeness SO hit the spot. Good. Because 4 years of being told to be quiet during Star Trek and not even getting laid for it should amuse someone. And also, I’m glad we’re going to grow old(er) and gray(er) together – there’s no one I’d rather have clean my goiter area than you 
Oh my god, you’re gross! I love you, but you’re gross.
I feel you chica!
My Best Friend and I when we have bad days write emails reminding the other of funny/embarrassing dates and men we have met.
at the end of the day, my co-workers think I am a little crazy for laughing at the computer while repeating “dorritos toes guy”
but I feel better!!!
Amen for Best Friends!
Thanks for the laughs. MPG collection. That. Is. Priceless.
Forget murder-for-hire… when I had an ex that chose computer games over sex (I feel your pain, Ari), I began to fantasize about hiring Sumo Wrestlers. Probably cheaper, and no messy cleanup. Just smooshed, worthless ex. *grin*
Seriously love ice cream on bad days…unfortunately for me, I ate the rest of mine the day before my seriously depressed day. Oh well. Lucky for me, I had Gilmore Girls. Seriously love that show.
By the Way, I love that you point out the realistic reasons as to why you can’t hire a hit man, such as lack of funds. My sisters and I like to point out reasons like that as well.
This is one of the tiny little problems with summer. I love the skirts and try to wear one every day the sun is shining and the temperature is above 25 degrees Celsius. But those damn thighs. I was thinking about starving myself but it isn’t working. I had Indian food today for lunch today and stuffed myself. It was so good but I’ll be wearing capris this afternoon!
Maybe you could come up with a creative craigslist way to get revenge. Not the “fake-yard-sale-steals-all-their-stuff” kind but something like a flashmob to show up outside his/her house and yell curses or something.
So sorry for your bad day…and TOTALLY ANNOYING EMAILS FROM STRANGERS!
Glad to hear Ari offered just what you needed, and then some.
Wait, I’m not believing these comments, are there really guys who choose video games over sex? Is that possible?
I have an “Ari”, too – mine sends me today photos of a boy who broke my heart over and over and over 20 years ago
he is FAT and BALD(ing) and a “professor” and at “university”
works a treat every time
What’s a recessive MTM gene? Does she hate Lou sometimes and Ted other? A good read is Sue Shapiro’s ’5 Men who Broke my Heart’. Interviews with them and a graph of the rising **** list. Especially healthy for the male that wants to see how the other half is wired.
Thank you Fish. Just had a day to beat all ****ty days (and I’ve had my fair share already). Had to email a friend with the rejoinder I wish I could have come up with and delivered with careless elan at the right moment. Alas for me, even if I’d had the words they would have gotten stuck in my throat because I was so angry. Glad there are friends in the world that can help us out when we find ourselves in situations like that. And ice cream with butterscotch.
Isn’t the Drumstick, AKA: King Cone so good. How do they get the vanilla to be so vanilla? Now I have to car-jack the ice cream truck again.
Computer games over sex? Try a SANDWICH over sex. Seriously. Apparently, he couldn’t wait what would likely be 2 minutes to get the bread and cheese outta the fridge…
The thighs touching thing, I know what you mean!
I hate when I can feel my thighs rubbing together too much…ergh…