This weekend, we added an extra six inches to our bedroom life. And what do you know, I’m still not satisfied.
The dog, he likes to be on the bed. Not when we’re on it, mind you, but on it just the same. And it wouldn’t be such an issue – I could probably be convinced to look past the hair (my GOD, so much HAIR) – if he wasn’t getting up there in years and all his body parts were functioning properly. First there was this gland thing. Which came with lots of licking and oozy juices and… skid marks. Are you feeling ill in your tummies? Yes? Good. Me, too. We sort of solved that by throwing a gigantic, thick blanket down before we leave. But then there was the day that either he was pissed (my GOD, so PISSED) or so out of control of his bowels that he took a gigantic 75-pound-dog dump on the bed, pushed the covers over the mess and LAID BACK DOWN on it. Have you ever had to scrape smooshed dog poo from the duvet cover because your sweet, loving boyfriend who would otherwise gladly have cleaned up the mess won’t be home for several hours? No? Well. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of awesome.
Me, I had a meltdown.
We weighed our preventative future meltdown options. Shutting the bedroom door. That one quickly got shot down – Sir Hal is not one to be where you want him to be at any given moment and say he was hiding under the bed when the door got shut. He’d be without food and litter box all day. Do not want. Baby gate was the next option considered, along with bed risers. Bed risers! That’s perfect! The dog is old and has a hard time managing the bed as it is. Six extra inches would do the trick! So, off we went to Target and then an ungodly number of bed & bath places in search of extra long dust ruffles. Oh, so many miles we put on our feet and the car, but we were victorious.
The Boy went off to play with friends and I settled on the sofa with a copy of It Sucked and Then I Cried. And some Chubby Hubby. Because this is how we celebrate victories. After a while, the dog, who normally makes a very noisy production of gallumping up the stairs and heaving himself onto the bed, made his way up and soundlessly to sleep. I ASSUMED on his DOG BED. But I would be making an ass of you and me because when I went upstairs thirty minutes later, I found that dog, having sailed effortlessly onto the now very high bed, deep in a very drooly sleep. Mocking me.
First I frowned. Then I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
I firmly but kindly (I learned this skill from Frauline Maria) asked him to dismount – which he did – and then I petted him for a good long while and scratched his tummy because I’m training myself to love him so much I can’t possibly resent all this bed shit I’m going through with him. Because sometimes, I really feel resentful. Like when I lie down at night in and imagine poop juices leaking onto my pillow. GAH. I’m trying so hard to see this from the Boy’s point of view – that having a dog for twelve years and allowing him twelve whole years of unrestrained bed time is difficult to undo. But this is where I sleep. Not where I practice my veterinary skills. I want it to smell like fabric softener and the Boy’s shampoo and not dog musk and gland gunk.
So, bed riser fail. I guess that leaves the baby gate. And I swear to god, if he pulls some spontaneously growing opposable thumb crap, I’m going to lose my mind entirely.
i honestly think all this behaviour is because the dog must be resenting you. Not that he hates you, but it’s been him in the bed for 12 years and then you come and try and take over. So my advice is to get the dog to love you (and you to love him). Give him more attention and see what kind of response you get. He’ll learn to share in no time. I’m sure all the bed pooping is him just acting up.
The Boy must really love you. Because I would kick my dog out of bed for NO ONE.
That’s funny, because the second I thought my beloved Hal was being a nuisance to ANYONE, especially the Boy, I’d be all over it. Wonder what the difference is.
no I can’t imagine scraping smooshed dog poo off of my duvet because I wouldn’t. I would throw it away and buy a new blanket.
I just started training mine to sleep in their own beds – - there is a never-ending nightly chorus at my condo, “Get back in your bed! Bed, now! BED!” They seem to be catching on. I wouldn’t do it, except for the fact that I fear for their long little backs, jumping on and off of the new, very much higher bed. The boy in my world actually loved having the ‘foot warmers’ in bed with us.
They’re actually crated during the day because dachshunds + no supervision all day long in a condo = absolute destruction.
Okay so I totally understand the dog/bed thing having had to go through the same thing myself and the babygate does work quite nicely…but I digress. I have to comment because of your book of choice that you are reading. It Sucked and then I cried is the best, damn funny book EVER. That woman is absolutely hysterical and moving at the same time. So good choice my friend. Good choice.
My advice is to get the gates that are on hinges so you don’t pull a muscle trying to climb over the thing! Also might want to have the vet or groomer make a habit of expressing his glands more often, might help with the, er, skidmarks. (Ew.)
You make me so glad the the boy and I mutually decided to never, ever, allow our dog to sleep on the bed.
Oh. my. wow. Man do I feel your pet pain?!?! I just (as in about 3 months ago) adopted a 7 year old cocker spaniel – thinking that I was side-stepping the all the issues that are part and parcel with puppy training. Hmmm…. well, it’s true that she’s potty trained – but you still can’t prevent dogs from eating weird things in the yard and having “said things” wreak havoc on your pets digestive system. Um, yeah. Diarhea for 4 days, anyone?!?! Every noise she made sent me into a frantic panic that it was “time to go!” right then and there. Quarantining her in the bathroom while I was at work did not work – she couldn’t be contained… scratched the crap out of the door frame and tried to chew her way through the wooden child gate! Sweet.
Also, almost equally as fun… about a week after the above incident, she got ahold of one of those black gel/ink pens at oh, about 5am… chewed the crap out of it on my tan carpet… then used her two front paws as stamps… got ‘em good and soaked up with ink and proceeded to wake me and trail it through my whole house as I raced with her to the back door to go outside! Ugh!!! I had initially thought we were having another incident with poo… not sure what’s worse damage-wise?!?! So after a 5 am walk (and this is Minnesota, mind you… sub-zero weather about a month ago) her paws were no less wet with black ink… so into the basement for the day she went. I had really. seriously. thought about calling up the rescue agency I adopted her from to start discussing the return policy. But then I realized that these are normal dog things. She’s not a Marley – she’s just a dog getting adjusted to a new home… and dealing with a little illness. We are now on week 3 of normalcy and she’s an absolute sweetheart. They sure do find a way to weasel themselves into our hearts. Anything worth having or doing hardly ever comes easy. Ain’t it the truth?!?!?
Imagine you have had your blog for 12 years and then someone came in and started editing what you could and could not say…what topics you could talk about, etc. Also, raising a bed 6 inches will make his jump off and on the bed more difficult and more likely to break his 12 year old leg. The dog has seniority…deal with it and be a more sympathetic, proactive partner.
Wait, how could I BE more proactive, oh wise anonymous commenter?
You must be missing the part where he SHIT where we SLEEP. Yes, not gross at all.
Because the dog is old and having issues, I see no problem with having him sleep on the floor, in a super comfy, very washable dog bed. Good for you to like the dog and not freak out too much, but enough is enough.
What about a little cat door on your bedroom door?
Or you could put a giant plastic sheet on the bed every morning before you leave for work.
OR you could get him a doggie diaper.
I’ve been through old dog poo more than once in my short life.
So, I kinda agree that the dog is showing that he’s not happy that you’ve taken over his spot. Try the more petting suggestion and sneak him treats too…
When I was dating a guy a couple years ago my dog decided that he didn’t like him. So he PEED on the pillow that the guy had been sleeping on. He’s never done anything like that before and nothing since. Of course, I did get rid of the guy (apparently he was a nutter). Not that you’ll be going anywhere Fish!
Option 1: Euthanasia (because it is a pretty old dog and likely a very sick one).
Option 2: Suck it up until Rover kicks off and then ban further dog adoptions.
Option 3: New boyfriend who hates dogs (but not cats).
part of why i know my boy is a keeper is because when my dog was having bladder control issues last week, he didnt suggest i make the dog sleep on the floor – instead he rushed off to BBB to buy a waterproof mattress pad…
i know you dont really want advice but tread lightly, fish… you dont want the boy to end up resenting you over your resentment of his 12-year companion…
I second all of Carrie’s comments. BTW, what if the “Boy” were allergic to a 12-year-old Hal; would you get rid of Hal? What if Hal had gland problems and had to be kept in a bathroom/off furniture (but with food and litter access); would you? I’m on the dog’s side. Put a different, thick blanket back, lower the bed, and return the dust ruffle.
Wow, there are some super helpful suggestions on here! I sense some people getting their dog hate on. (Don’t respond to those people, they’re just pushing your buttons). It seems you have mastered Cesar Milan’s calm energy thing so I won’t recommend the Dog Whisperer (though it is a good read). One thing re baby gate. I puppysat for a couple of weeks and they do somehow learn to stick their nose in between the gate and the door frame and shove it over. I recommend using cardboard boxes and chairs to prop up the gate. That way, if he does nose it over, he won’t get hurt and neither will you lugging all that crap around every day. Eventually he will understand that he is now Dog #3 (or maybe 4 after Hal, Dork Lord and you) on the totem pole. Poor puppy. More treats are probably not a bad consolation prize.
wow – am amazed at how judgemental people are! nowhere in that post did I detect anything but trying to be supportive and trying to adapt to the dog
having come home to dog poop/vomit on my own bed more than once I will agree that it is GROSS (I threw away all covers – no WAY was I even trying to clean it up!) which is why neither dog has access to the bedroom when I am not at home
Heather you are far more tolerant than I – and I adore my two mutts
p.s. I second the cat-door on the bedroom thing
dogs are much more adaptable than we wimpy humans give them credit for. (you can ask mine if you don’t believe me.) i guarantee you that boyfriend suffers way more at the thought of de-dogging the bed than the dog does. which is also valid, but i think you offer a more than fair trade when it comes to swapping one warm body in the bed for another. even tolerating the hair, you’ve been more than reasonable. not wanting step-dog to empty its bowels in your sleeping space is not an anti-canine agenda.
if you can both put up some sort of barrier and work towards retraining the dog so he’s not “resentful” (read: so that your gentleman feels assured that puppy’s getting sufficient love, even in a dog bed), that would probably be ideal. i don’t know how a cat door would work in a presumably rented apartment, but i’ve used a swinging baby gate to delineate between cat and dog territory and it was a good solution.
luck.
dogs are much more adaptable than we wimpy humans give them credit for. (you can ask mine if you don’t believe me.) i guarantee you that boyfriend suffers way more at the thought of de-dogging the bed than the dog does. which is also valid, but i think you offer a more than fair trade when it comes to swapping one warm body in the bed for another. even tolerating the hair, you’ve been more than reasonable. not wanting step-dog to empty its bowels in your sleeping space is not an anti-canine agenda.
if you can both put up some sort of barrier and work towards retraining the dog so he’s not “resentful” (read: so that your gentleman feels assured that puppy’s getting sufficient love, even in a dog bed), that would probably be ideal. i don’t know how a cat door would work in a presumably rented apartment, but i’ve used a swinging baby gate to delineate between cat and dog territory and it was a good solution.
luck.
P.S. You fuss Anonymous posters, yet you post as “Anonymous,” which is confusing. Can you, uh, post as ThisFish? Please?
I had a baby gate (hinged) at the top of the stairs to keep my dog from going down into the basement and, um, cleaning the cat box for me. I never could get that thing open easily. Neither could my friends. Baby gate: 1, Humans: 0.
As for the dog, it took her 5 minutes to figure out how to jimmy the thing open. Baby gate: 0, Dog: 1. Dammit, I *hate* it when my dog is smarter than I am. Mind you, opposable thumbs or no, my dog can open tupperware.
As for keeping the dog off the bed, he does have a dog bed, right? The only way I was able to train my dog to not sleep with me was by giving my baby-dog her own bed (that she regularly and happily kicks the cat off of).
I had a baby gate (hinged) at the top of the stairs to keep my dog from going down into the basement and, um, cleaning the cat box for me. I never could get that thing open easily. Neither could my friends. Baby gate: 1, Humans: 0.
As for the dog, it took her 5 minutes to figure out how to jimmy the thing open. Baby gate: 0, Dog: 1. Dammit, I *hate* it when my dog is smarter than I am. Mind you, opposable thumbs or no, my dog can open tupperware.
As for keeping the dog off the bed, he does have a dog bed, right? The only way I was able to train my dog to not sleep with me was by giving my baby-dog her own bed (that she regularly and happily kicks the cat off of).
I can’t even begin to imagine the melt down I would have if I came home to that. I love dogs, but that would have turned me into Cruella de Vil instantly for sure!
Hey Fish,
I agree with the poster who said the dog is probably acting out in jealousy. I do believe animals have feelings very similar to humans, it’s just that they can’t express them the same way. I also agree that if you pay more attention to the dog he will probably chill out and stop the poop parade.
For what it’s worth, though, I feel your pain: last year, my male cat started peeing not just on my bed, but on ME in my bed! He was marking me as his territory because he felt I was paying too much attention to his sister and not enough to him. Imagine feeling your cat jump on the bed in the middle of the night and the next thing you know, your back is warm and wet! NOT pleasant.
Unfortunately, pets have only so many ways to communicate their displeasure, and most of them have to do with bodily functions! Hang in there, and good luck!
My dog has a thing for sofas, so I bought a roll of plastic covered with sharp bumps on one side (for keeping a carpet on a carpet for sliding?) from Wal-Mart. I cut it up into sofa-length pieces and laid it out across the couch cushions everyday when I left for work.
I’m not going to say it was perfect because eventually she started pulling them down with her teeth, which led to me tucking them into the place where the back and seat cushions meet. Then she just started walking all over the top of the back cushions, at which point I just had to admit she was smarter than me.
Wow, you are being very lovingly tolerant of a situation that must be quite difficult for you, having not had a dog recently, if ever. I agree with the commenters who say ‘lower the bed’ if you’re going to continue to permit his ascent- he could really hurt himself at any height due to his age and size. You might even consider doggie steps for those old hips. Cut your losses and don’t scrape any more body fluids out of replaceable linens- buy cheaper duvet covers for the time being. The pet concessions you have already begun, and those you will learn as you go along, are nothing compared to the eternal gratitude I’m sure the boy feels for your efforts. Loving the dog he loves makes you shine all the more. And when the dog is gone forever, the boy will be comforted that you truly understood.
What about keeping the bedroom off limits to all pets (meaning: the door would always be shut)? That way, you can keep the door shut without worrying that Sir Hal would be trapped. Also, this would ensure that the dog would not be jealous that Sir Hal would get to go in the bedroom but not him.
Hi! Just thought I’d let you know about a super awesome pet gate that I bought last week for a very similar situation. At Target theres a pet gate that sits in the doorway and has an easy to open gate for humans to walk through – but the real treat is the small door inside that gate. You can leave that open and Hal will be able to get through, but the dog won’t be able to get on your bed.
Hope this helps!
oh fish – people get really weird about their dogs – i know, we have two (at our high (low?) point, we had FOUR – all with a variety of neursoses and phobias).
After we had to move following Hurricane Ike, my dog(as in the one I brought to the family) had horrible diarrhea every day. It wasn’t immediately after our very sudden move which followed a traumatic event (tree through our house) but about a month later – once we were unpacked, once the power came back on.
Dogs react to stress, and can themselves get stressed out. I read how well you are handling the situation – I definitely had a screaming match with a dog after the poo got everywhere one morning – but since the Boy’s pooch is 12, definitely get thee to a vet, just in case. And perhaps consider relocating Sir Hal’s litterbox/food, so that the door can be closed if you aren’t in there? We keep the bedroom and bathroom doors closed, because those are NAKED places and I don’t like dog hair places I wouldn’t let my dogs rest their little heads. Good luck!
Fish,
I think there are two things going on with your step-dog:
The first, he’s probably a bit jealous. Try a little Fish-Canine long-walk-outside-time every day (as little as 5 minutes daily would do wonders).
Second, the step-dog needs to have his anal glands expressed (the joys of having boy dogs) and probably would beneit from a good de-worming.
Also, remember that dogs are hierarchal pack animals; so either you outrank the dog or he outranks you. There is no such thing as being on the same level in his eyes. The ranking between the two of you will determine the dynamics of your relationship.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is the problem I have with most dog-owners–that they never train their dog properly and then you are riddled with bad behavior which is difficult, if not impossible to re-train (you should watch “It’s Me Or The Dog” though–she’s amazing). Plus, most owners are not willing to change their behavior to fix the dog’s bad ones.
But then, I also don’t like dogs, and therefore can never end up with a dog owner, bc I just WILL NOT put up with some of the stuff you just mentioned.
Good luck–I really hope you find a solution.
Oh Fish, I have been there with a 12 year old diarrhing german shephard and a 8 month year old cat, who liked to run all over the house, with the runs, and all over my bed, cause he loved me the most. I understand the mental breakdown and the love it takes to keep trying even though you are exhausted, annoyed and in tears. I wish I knew the answer – and wish you best of luck! Just keeping trying different things and hopefully the bed will become a clean zone!
Wow I’m really surprised at how many people here are just advocating letting this dog crap on the bed. It’s the bed, guys. What if he starts crapping in the dishwasher? Is that okay too?
I love animals. I really do. But when your pet starts pooing in places it shouldn’t, you have to stop the behavior ASAP. I agree that it definately wouldn’t hurt to go have the glands… you know, squeezed. And maybe take him into the vet just to make sure everything is on the up and up. he’s an older dog and he might be sick if he’s doing things out of character. plus this dogs vet will have more insight into the dogs individual personality and might have better advice than a bunch of knuckleheads on the internet.
good luck fish!
For the record: the dog has been to the vet and been treated. I repeat, THE DOG HAS BEEN TO THE VET. In fact, he went three times in like, two weeks. He had to wear a lampshade, for heaven’s sake. His glands have been expressed. We’re not inhumane – we wouldn’t let him go untreated. He’s just old and… leaky.
Ew.
ohh… you poor thing! You know, every once in a while I want to invite our little pup up in the bed with us for a snooze. But then I read something like this and I’m glad we make him sleep in his crate.
I feel your pain. I don’t know that the dog is trying to tell you anything. Could be but it also sounds like an older dog with older dog issues. Our dog is a younger dog with bladder issues and we moved her to a very nice, comfy, dog bed (she picked out at the store) and she has done great. I would suggest the dog bed and a gate to keep the dog out. Orvis (www.orvis.com) has some very nice looking, easy to use gates and they have some other things to help with dog issues. Good luck! And realize that it may take a bit but it will work out.
where’s the boy in all this? what is he doing to stop the pooping/make you more comfortable?
Oh Fish… I sympathize. I am a type A neat freak. But I’m also a crazy dog mom
The poop was to mark territory and that is definitely NOT ok. But I have a healthy, clean three year old golden (I bathe him constantly) and he can still “streak” now and again. Unless you want to buy dog undies you need to put a doggie blanket down. I made my bed off limits unless it has his special blanket on it. He even carries the blanket around the house like linus. Works for the couch too, no blanket – no dog.
As an aside, that dog has been with me through three cross country moves and countless boyfriends. I won’t consider dating someone who doesn’t love my dog as much as I do. Try to keep an open mind…
Oooooo. Dog poo on bed is not good. My suggestion is to get a waterproof mattress pad for your bed, first chance you get. Because a duvet (or cover) is MUUUUUUCCCCHHHHHH cheaper than a new mattress. My second suggestion is to have the dog examined by a vet – the bowel incontinence and other issues may be related to a physical problem. If the vet rules out the physical problem, the baby gate should work. Good luck!!
I feel you… and my husband ended up in your position when my cat (who I’d had for years before I met him and who never stopped looking at him like “why are you STILL HERE?” the entire 10 years we all shared a house) started having “old cat” problems and started leaving poop streak marks all over the carpet after she pooped in her litter box. It was gross. I did a LOT of scrubbing the floors (and quite a bit of scrubbing her butt as well) and my husband did a lot of sighing. We took her to the vet and it turned out that, due to a growth, she couldn’t feel her butt and it wasn’t her fault. I opted not to put her through major surgery at her age and we put her down (and I was devestated). The point, I guess, is that 12 is REALLY old for a big dog and you should have him checked out if this behavior becomes a pattern. It might be resentment or it might be a total medical thing.
FURminator deShedding tools. Seriously. You will love what it does to remove his dog fur.
Dogs are people too. Snorly and Me. Beverly Hills Chahuahau. Premium pet stores are making a killing. Get outta the tee biz.
I’m a dog person, but I feel your pain… REALLY. We (actually I) just adopted a “new” dog that is 1 year old. I thought I was skipping the puppy stage, but he CHEWS on everything. It’s driving me daffy. Plus muddy paws on my bed and more annoying stuff. So, do what you have to do… but share the bed at night.
Good luck with the kiddie/doggie gate. When my “baby” was only a wee puppy and we had one (gate) while potty training her. I left her behind it alone for only 5 minutes as I ran to get a book out of my room.
Where there is a will, there is a way. My lil ball of devotion had used all of her determination and strength to follow me (at just a 6lb little thing at the time) and was teetered precariously on the top of the gate – stuck – but still determined to make it to the other side.
She also acts helpless in front of me in regards to the bed “help me get up there” but finds her way up just fine when I am not around…
I am also not a fan of dogs sleeping in bed with me. My husband and I have a boxer who we got after we were married. When she was a puppy my husband BEGGED to let her sleep with us. I held firm – she slept in her crate until she was potty trained and then in a nice, expensive, washable doggy bed in our room from then on.
Now that she is a big, slobbery, and often gassy adult boxer dog (she is 4 now) my husband thanks me all the time for not allowing her in bed. She never even tries – she KNOWS it is off limits. Teaching an old dog new tricks is very hard… Puppies are cuddly and young dogs can be great bed companions. But human beds are for humans and I totally agree that letting a furry, slobbery, and now incontinent dog in bed sounds like a nightmare.
As for ways to keep him out, I think a baby gate will be fine. We have a baby gate at the top of our stairs and our cat can clear it without an issue. You could also put a cat door on your bedroom door. I am assuming you have one of the typical 6-panel white doors that are pretty inexpensive at Lowes or HD. You could put in the cat door and then whenever you move you could just replace the whole door. Or you could get a doggy gate with a built in cat door.
I know many people here will chastise you for your attempts to get the bed doggie-free. But know that there are some of us who love our dogs but don’t EVER EVER EVER want them sharing a pillow with us. Ick.
I am also not a fan of dogs sleeping in bed with me. My husband and I have a boxer who we got after we were married. When she was a puppy my husband BEGGED to let her sleep with us. I held firm – she slept in her crate until she was potty trained and then in a nice, expensive, washable doggy bed in our room from then on.
Now that she is a big, slobbery, and often gassy adult boxer dog (she is 4 now) my husband thanks me all the time for not allowing her in bed. She never even tries – she KNOWS it is off limits. Teaching an old dog new tricks is very hard… Puppies are cuddly and young dogs can be great bed companions. But human beds are for humans and I totally agree that letting a furry, slobbery, and now incontinent dog in bed sounds like a nightmare.
As for ways to keep him out, I think a baby gate will be fine. We have a baby gate at the top of our stairs and our cat can clear it without an issue. You could also put a cat door on your bedroom door. I am assuming you have one of the typical 6-panel white doors that are pretty inexpensive at Lowes or HD. You could put in the cat door and then whenever you move you could just replace the whole door. Or you could get a doggy gate with a built in cat door.
I know many people here will chastise you for your attempts to get the bed doggie-free. But know that there are some of us who love our dogs but don’t EVER EVER EVER want them sharing a pillow with us. Ick.