There’s something about the prospect of a three-day weekend that restores my affection for humanity and my faith in possibility. And I could use a little restoration. It hasn’t been the best week ever. Sunday was such a success (complete with a nice long jog in the sunshine), that by contrast, Monday was one of the circles of hell that Dante forgot to mention. And Tuesday, well Tuesday brought some unraveling and there I was, sitting on the steps in my running clothes, tears streaming down my face while my tense boyfriend looked on.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know.”
I don’t know, as unhelpful as it was, was so much easier – much prettier - than the truth. Because I’m not happy. Because I want to go home. That I was in our apartment made no difference. I wanted to go home. To retreat. And I didn’t have anywhere to go. Because I remember when you used to like me. The nature of our disagreement had been so small, but also pretty fundamental to who we are and how different we can be. He was wrong and I was wrong. He was unhappy with me, and not ready to say it. But I felt it. In his coolness and the way he walked ahead of me, not stopping to check if the gate had shut in front of me. And I felt unwanted, unliked and terribly insecure. So I cried in the shower. I was over-sensitive and he was unaware. We were doing our best Venus and Mars.
Like we do, though, we sorted things out, kissed and made up. Tried a little harder. Laughed. And I was glad I kept the truth to myself, because what was true on Tuesday was a little less true on Wednesday and by Thursday, all but forgotten, because a new truth had taken its place.
Related to this one–definitely been there. Well said!
Recently we had a very tense moment (if you think traveling together is a “test” try buying a house together!) In tears and frustration, I pointed an imaginary Point Of View gun and him and kept “zapping” until he caught on, and began to play along. I think this would work well with the Dork.
Oof. I relate to this one. The “because you used to like me” especially hit home. Those are the hardest moments. I very much love my boyfriend, but the Mars/Venus moments definitely come up.
Don’t sweat it. When my fiance and I moved in together almost 3 years ago, we spent the first 4 months or so teetering on the edge of disaster. What no one tells you is, that’s pretty normal. Just know that you’re both goign to be frustrated by each other for a while, and then, one day, you’ll wake up and not remember why you were ever frustrated in the first place and you’ll wonder how you could have ever lived apart.
Well-written post, Fish. Best of luck to you two.
I KNOW. I was just having a convo in which I described “The Spiral” of he get’s weird/moody to I get a sensitive to more weirdness to more sensitivity and before you know it it becomes a jerk –> crazy downward spiral.
It’s all about stopping it before it topples! And often, that means pretending you’re not crazy.
This is why I keep coming back. Please keep writing!
“But I felt it. In his coolness and the way he walked ahead of me, not stopping to check if the gate had shut in front of me. And I felt unwanted, unliked and terribly insecure. So I cried in the shower. I was over-sensitive and he was unaware.”
What do you do when this keeps happening, and then he does become aware…but he still lets the gate close? And now my “Dork” moved to Texas, but said it “shouldn’t affect our relationship.” (I’m in New York) I feel like I keep standing there, while he keeps letting the gate close… Wow, just writing this makes me realize that I should know what to do…
Thank you for posting this…
) :::le sigh:::
Glad to see you here again. You always hit the nail on the head. Relationships are not easy. Even the easy ones have moments. You’ll be just fine.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend.
Currently in the same orbit! Trying to reconcile what’s in my head with reality, and taking care of myself by talking things through with a therapist. Assumed it was all my baggage. Reading your post makes me realize I’m not alone. Thank you.
The first year living with someone is the hardest! Suddenly you can’t be on your best behavior all the time anymore and release your craziness only when you’re in your own space. When 2 people aren’t on their best behavior anymore (i.e. the honeymoon’s over) and all your individual quirks and annoying behaviors start peeking out, that’s the true test of whether you guys can make it. Good luck! And realize that we all have our bad days.. it’s the desire of *two* people to want to make it good again that makes all the difference! You gotta both want it, and if you both do, you guys will make it through this.
You always seem to be able to find the perfect way to express what you’re feeling… you always seem to choose just the right words. I suppose that’s why we all read your blog. Cheers to you and the Dork Lord.
Reading this post somehow makes me feel human again. I am going throught the same adjustment period with my boy, but its nice to know that arguments and disagreements in other people’s living situations but it does not stop them from loving eachother.
So beautifully written…dang, you made me want to check to see if the gate was locked MYSELF!
Where is the “Like” link on this thing?
My mom calls that “the bloom coming off of the rose.” The first time she said it, I pictured Beauty & the Beast’s flower near the end of the movie.
Have had several conversations on Perception vs. Reality (PvR)recently, when I have said something from my point of view that was taken badly in anothers’ point of view. We call this Crazy Girl Sh!t/Crazy Boy Sh!t (CGS & CBS) between us. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though. :S
Currently feeling unloved and unwanted, thanks for reminding me I’m not alone. Guess I’ll have to keep pretending that I’m not crazy. Ugh.
I think this one should go into the Favorite Posts column. Just beautiful.
I read this blog. Did some thinking and called him to say I’d come over to patch up….Thanks Fish
Excellent post!
This is why I love to read you. These are the posts that resonate with many people, and you put our feelings to words so eloquently. Which is nice, because generally when I feel this way, I don’t have words, so I also resort to I don’t know. But I also tell myself I don’t know.
That was very well written. I liked the last paragraph; I liked the words that told me things even though they obscured things at the same time. I like understanding without completely knowing.
Currently having my own Tuesday unraveling, where all I can think is that I want to go home. Except in my case, I sent him away earlier because I wanted my space, but feel more alone now.
Relationships are tough, and it’s nice to know that we’re not alone, so thanks for putting it out there
Very, very well written, I’m really glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way when we have disagreements with our significant others. I wonder if this is all part of learning curve or if this is a signal for something else…
Did they stop paying you again, or do you contractually only have to post once a week now?
Look, LG, I think it’s pretty clear I’m tired of your overtly rude, aggressive comments.
OH, how sweet! Fish, you have your very own little troll…LG! I never knew you were in the market for an ugly little pet.
That was beautiful!
Ugh. I’m very torn here because I absolutely loved this peice…but its a sad peice about very true and intense actions/feelings. You are such a beautiful writer when things aren’t going well… ugh- that sounded harsh, but you have an amazing and beautiful way of expressing words when you’re upset. And I want to say i’ve missed those entries, but I also obviously want you to be happy… such a catch 22.
My heart sunk when I read the “I remember when you used to like me” – that is an awful feeling- even if it only lasts for a day… Glad that things are better =) A relationship is only as strong as the fights you get through.
LG sucks.
Relationships are hard and takes a tremendous amount of work. But I believe that love works, and that it will for you and the Dork Lord.
After reading the posts, i think its crazy how many girls in NYC are dating guys in Texas! (me included)
Is it just me, or do you feel like half of your relationship is spent looking for cheap flights?!
too bad we can’t all carpool.