Who’s got two thumbs and lowered her cholesterol by ONE HUNDRED points? This girl right here! Don’t you know, I love getting awesome grades on tests (which, funnily enough, I just spelled as ‘testes,’ giggled and imagined what must be involved in getting an A on testes) and so it has bothered me for two years now that I couldn’t manage to ace the cholesterol one my doc gives me every fall. Well, the results came in the mail on Friday and I am a frickin’ heart disease champ! Bad cholesterol low. Good cholesterol high. Combined score of 147 for the win! Frankly, I’m more than a little disappointed that I don’t get a badge or a gold star or anything. I mean, I gave up things like beer and red meat (eh, mostly) and the yellow parts of eggs. People should know what I went through.
The above is evidence that I would not have done so well at one of those progressive, don’t give grades kind of schools. So I crave recognition. It’s not like it’s meth or anything.
Not all of the news from my doctor was good news, and so on Friday I had to get myself a specialist to administer some uncomfortable and terrifying procedures on my downtheres. Apparently, I chose wisely because not only was Dr. Specialist able to see me first thing this morning, it turns out he’s the dude who invented the terrifying and uncomfortable downthere procedures and if you’re gonna have just any ole person fiddling with your sensitive bits, it might as well be that guy. And while he delivered very good news within minutes and asked me out for a second date in three months, his expertise and my peace of mind cost me a whopping hundred and eighty bucks (thank you, stupid deductible).
I won’t lie, I was pretty nervous about this. I’ve dodged the bullet once before – precancer that just up! and vanished after a few tests. And as much faith and hope as I wanted to have, I doubted very much that you get more than one Get Out of Jail Free card when it comes to baby making health. But I’ve landed on Free Parking yet again and now I can go home and really eat up those gorgeous yellow roses the Boy brought home, without a second thought… and maybe with a glass of wine and a big ole hunk of cheese.
Do not tell my cholesterol.
Were you with anyone the last time you had a precancerous reading? I can’t help but wonder if you have some kind of reaction to, uh, THAT. Just a thought. I like answers!
Whatever the reason, I’m glad you’re OK. Enjoy your roses and the Boy.
You know, at the time, I *was* with the dirtiest skank of a man who couldn’t seem to keep it out of interns, groupies, and the like. Possible connection.
Good for you! I know how you feel – my husband went through the same thing not too long ago. The doc told him he’d have to go on medication so he worked really hard to change his diet and was able to bring down his cholesterol medicine free.
I had to have the same procedure done about 2 years ago. Definitely one of the scariest times of my life! My mother had just gotten over breast cancer and I hyperventilated at the thought of having it at the ripe old age of 24. EEEK. Everything ended turning out okay in the end.
Cheese makes everything better, and wine Times TWO!
I had to go thru this about 3 years ago, and I was petrified. my doctor didn’t do a great job of explaining things, so that didn’t help. Thankfully, everything came out ok in the end. Glad you’re ok.
On my way to the doctor for the same procedure you described above. Not fun at all, but necessary to keep my baby making parts healthy.
How come all the other girls seem to know what the procedure was? I have ladybits, but I can only guess. And I’m going to guess class 4 results on your pap, necessitating that a big ol’ chunk of cervix be scrapped off (OK, only FEELS like a big ol’chunk) and analyzed. Am I right? I’ve had that once; I’ve already made my first and final baby, but I still want to keep the plumbing in optimum condition.
i second barbara e, am i missing something? and yes, i too have had bits scraped, but those nether regions can be tricky sons-a-youknowwhat.
Wait, red meat and wine are bad for your heart? Uh. Oh.
I hate that “one of those progressive, don’t give grades kind of schools” is the metaphor for post-academic life. So hard to redefine personal success without tests, exams, papers to get feedback on. Yes, recognition and attention are hard to live without.
Congrats on your bills of health *particularly in the speculum speculation department) and love this post!
Hey Heather.
Yeah, I have been there twice myself. The second time came at my very last “extra” appointment from my first bout. I think they just liked seeing me in the office more than once a year!! Ha!!, that last appointment was just the middle of last year and now I’m pregnant…so they see me even more frequently!!
Way to go on the cholesterol!!!
Glad the cholesterol test results came back aces!! Nice to get good grades, no matter where they come from! Good luck with the rest of it – hope that all turns out well, too.
For those of us who appreciate grades and recognition, this is the best song ever!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFKsIJ5gIkg
Hope you enjoy.
i get to have a saline infused sonogram for a “probably benign” polyp.
Probably……. egh what a confidence boost!
Glad your points are down- good work and i have to give you a massive high ten for giving up beer!
Yay for awesome doctor results!!! And in celebration, I’d like to let you know that you can now watch all of the first season of Magnum, p.i. on nbc.com!! Fantastic news, no? Congrats again on a clean bill of health.
Great news on the cholestrol front! You get an A+ in my book!!! I’ll email you a gold star too. Sorry about the worry and painful part with your ladybits… I have to go in this morning for my annual plumbing checkup and time with the torture mamo lady. It’s not a fun time but I make time to get checked up annually. My mom died of breast cancer in 1983 when I was just out of college. I’m passionately pink for the cure!!!