Our two-day drive through the desert in a lumbering moving truck was no sweat. Everything that’s happened after that, however, has been steadily raising my blood pressure.
There were very few mishaps on the road – silly things like almost running off the road and the dog peeing on my sister’s lap. Mostly, that mishap was really super funny, considering I wasn’t the one who got peed on. It was also a good lesson about potty break frequency. Once we got here, however, things just sort of unraveled. I won’t go into details.
It’s been comforting, though, to spend time with my siblings. My brother is sort of an odd guy and no one (I dare you to try) can spend more than ten minutes in his presence without laughing so hard they cry, pee, or need to lie down to relieve the pain in their sides. On top of which, he’s an amazing cook. So most often, we’re laughing ourselves sick on very full tummies. It’s glorious.
My brother’s wife is also pretty priceless. He married exactly the girl who would have been our natural sister had it not been for little things like, her having different parents.
“Don’t turn around.” she said, as I was sitting here blogging. “I’m going to change. And if you don’t want to see some really scary cellulite…”
“Puh-lease. I’ve seen enough of my own lately,” I interrupted. “I danced naked in front of the mirror the other day just to get the full effect.”
“Marriage destroys your ass,” she said.
“But you live with Jason. And he’s always cooking. That sorta seems like an unfair handicap.”
“I’m just warning you. If you don’t like your ass now, better get it in shape. Because once you get married, it’s all down hill.”
I laughed, and inwardly cringed. While I’m not on the fast-track to wedded bliss, tidbits of hand-me-down wisdom are always appreciated – especially where my ass is concerned.
wow, that’s a pearl of wisdom if i ever saw one. i doubt i’ve ever heard anyone be so straightforward and specific on any one issue of marriage before. hahaha! good to know and it will definitely go down on my “notes to self.”
cute title!
Ah, but marriage also destroys your husband’s ability to perceive cellulite. Or at least that’s what’s happened to me. My wife gave birth just over a month ago and she’s never looked better, pregnancy weigh gain and all. Mind you, according to her it’s also destroyed my ability to perceive colour (You’re not wearing that shirt with those pants are you?) or the correct placement of furniture.
So *that’s* what happened to my ass. & I thought it was having kids and drinking frozen mocha-caramel lattes with extra whipped cream! Now that I’m divorced, I guess I can go back to the coffee shop without fear. Thanks, Fish!
Hmmm…I have been reading this blog for years but have yet to post anything. I am now popping my cherry…So fish are you really that worried that your ass is going to get fat? I am sure that when we women get married the male is less worried about your ass being fat and as I learned most men like a good ass *better for grabing me thinks* Heh…So ladies let it go! The ass I mean watch those tummys though…Nothing worse than a flabby tummy…:P
Cellulite is the vain of my existence. Well, cellulite and not being independently wealthy that is.
Coelecanth, the world needs more husbands like you.
Fish, this post made me guffaw so loud another teacher came in to my room from across the hall to ask what was so funny.
Mental note. Work on good ass before marriage. Check.
ha! can’t wait to read mike’s comment about all of this. my bet is that he talks about his own heinie after marriage. i’m sure i will laugh out loud.
According to my husband, he can’t really tell if I’m flabbier because he sees me everyday…so he says I look the same to him. A very clever answer to the “why didn’t you tell me I was getting fat” question.
I guess I should warn you about the babies… nothing makes your ass (and your boobs) move south faster than childbirth.
I think being peed on by a pet is mandatory on road trips. My cat peed on my brother when I was driving cross country from Atlanta to LA. It was freaking hilarous! We still laugh about it 13 years later.
I have an instant solution for cellulite. I got rid of all of the full length mirrors in the house. Voila no more cellulite
I think even just moving in with a boyfriend kills your ass…between the two of us, from moving in to marriage, have gained way more weight than I care to think about. But it was all done with loving care and lots of good cooking by both of us. To be honest, my bigger ass is totally worth it! And my husband thinks I’m sexier than I ever and he tells me often!
Glad you made it safely.
Have a great holiday weekend and watch the calories on that Labor Day bbq.
Arses and boobs should be perky, cellulit-free and immutable. It’s not only marriage though, metabolism changing as you age was the bane of my existence. On the other hand, a separation may make you lose 18 pounds, so there’s that – all my brilliant clothes now fit again, ha!
All that home-cooked amazing cooking for a fat ass? Sounds like a deal to me!!
I always said if you are unhappy with your body, DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!!! Pregnancy will make the bad things worse.
Then I guess you could also say, if you are happy with your body, don’t have kids. Man, that kid-havin’ business sounds like it’s for the birds.
Plenty of people look great after kids (stretch marks leave after time) Its about maintaining an active lifestyle… get that ass off the couch.