We were in the middle of a round tequila shots on Wednesday night when the khaki-clad stranger took a look around the bar and said, “I’m definitely headed for some trouble.”
I laughed and handed off my shot to Mike J. Tequila and I are a combustible combination, and out with Mike’s uncle and his coworkers, I didn’t think it was the best time to introduce Angry Drunk Heather. I like to save that for special occasions.
When I turned back to my martini and the man headed for trouble, I spied a wedding ring on his left hand.
“Looks like you’ll be keeping trouble to a minimum,” I said, and winked.
“We’re about to get divorced.”
I said nothing but raised my eyebrows. I didn’t buy it. And I was right not to. According to his coworkers, Trouble Guy is nowhere near divorce; he’s just a dick. Okay, they didn’t call him a dick. That was all me.
Sometime later, during the fuzzier part of the evening, Trouble Guy, obviously (and erroneously) thinking I’d be on board with such a maneuver, waggled his fingers at me. His very naked fingers.
“I put it in my pocket!” He looked very proud of himself.
“You’re an asshole.” No sense in mincing words, I thought.
“Have you ever been married?” he asked, leaning closer.
“No.”
“Then you don’t have any idea what it’s like.”
This! This is why the older I get, the less I want to be married. I mean, if you can’t trust a guy in pleated khakis (the ultimate indicator of gamelessness) who can you trust? You think you’re sending your dopey husband off to a pharmaceutical conference, with no thought as to whether he’ll keep it in his pants, because he’s your pleated khaki-wearing man! He’s safe. Instead, he’s out on a school night, taking shots from college girls.
Oh, he’s keeping it in his pants, alright. But it’s his wedding band in there. Not his dick.
This terrifies me. I hear those stories over and over again and for some reason, they never stop being scary.
I’m married to a safe pleated khakis man and those nightmares would still bring me out of a sound sleep!
The older I get (is 31 really that old?)I also feel less pressured to get married. So, you know what I say? To hell with it! Spinster Pride!
Beware the married men are out to play.
Does the “wedding ring” follow the same rules as the “zip code”? If it’s not on it doesn’t count?
Your safe pleated khakis man is my brother and I know he loves you more than his eight-track collection. He’s the safest kinda guy there is – one who’s super in love with his wife.
“you’re an asshole”
god i love you.
ditto on Stephanie’s comment but I also have to say that I love you because you just said “he loves you more than his eight-track collection”. Hillarious!
LOL…
“So, how soon before you settle down?”
“As soon as the married men stop coming on to me, I may consider giving marriage a little consideration.”
Still single and ever grateful!
Maui, Greece, Italy, anyone?! Anyone?!?
I’ve been traveling for work almost every week for the last 6.5 years and I’ve seen plenty of ass holes. What’s amazing is that the bottom of the barrel losers tend to score all the time! Meanwhile, I’ve never been an ass. But then again, I’m not married either. And I’ve never worn pleaded khaki while at the bar.
I will forever go back to something my five-year-old brother said to me after my first ever breakup: “Boys are scum.”
This world would be so much simpler if people came with a built-in lie detector.
I am glad I don’t have to worry about this anymore. I know for a fact it was happening over a year before my big D from the big D. Thanks for being my friend and not mincing words.
All I can say it “Preach On, sister”! I mean, I could go on and on and on about my own married rat stories, but you summed them all up in a nutshell. I am right on board with the not-caring-to-get-married bit soley based on the number of married asshole encounters I’ve had and/or witnessed. Some of their reasonings are quite amusing, but that’s a story for another time.
Isn’t it funny how the meaner you are to the asshole… the more they want to flirt with you?
Ugh. What a disgusting prick. As if, in reality, anybody would be walking around sporting a WEDDING RING who is either separated or in a bad enough marriage to be talking about separating. Jeez men are so stupid.
Wow, what a colossal a-hole. Don’t be scared of guys like that. If you are well adjusted (which you seem to be), it’s easy to tell who the dicks are before you marry them.
LOVE THIS POST.
Talk about bottom of the barrel losers, check this video out. this has got to be one of my all-time favorite raunchy videos! God love funny men!
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/9aa9642448
Classic Fish! I love it.
I’ve been traveling for work for the past five years & can’t take a trip without running into married assholes like this. EVERY time. A drink in the lap doesn’t hurt either. At the least maybe you ruin those horrible pleats
Hahaha, I enjoyed this post so much that I read it aloud to my friend. =) I’m glad you don’t sugarcoat your words, but some idiots still don’t get it even then!
I am so forwarding this to my girlfriends… THIS is why the older I GET, the less I ALSO want to get married.
Glad you didn’t mince words.
Getting close to thirty with no urge to marry. Married people are so quick to tell you the negatives of marriage… as if they aren’t obvious. We’ve all been hit on by THAT guy. But, how often do you hear people who have married over five years gush about it? If the first few years are the good ones, I’ll stick with those.
I am only 23 and while some of my friends are (already!) getting married, I am in no rush whatsoever. With men like this “gem” around, spinsterhood is starting to sound like a pretty good idea…
It sucks that there aren’t more women out there like you who will say ‘no’ to the assholes.
LOL – TOO FUNNY!!!!
Oh, he’s keeping it in his pants, alright. But it’s his wedding band in there. Not his dick.
divorcing one of those – never could keep it in his pants… the dick that is – wedding ring was worn and scuffed from loose change…. LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE- will never marry again!!!
Can’t disagree with a word of the post.
But on the other hand…
http://liarsandlunatics.blogspot.com/
“pleated khakis (the ultimate indicator of gamelessness)”
“You’re an asshole.”
I have such a girl-crush on you right now.
Here’s a typical conversation between me an the former better half:
Me- ‘check out the train wrecks in this tiki bar (Point Pleasant beach – pointing to a mule). He’d make a great husband’
Her (spying on the guy carrying a busload of beach gear on his back for his girlfriend) – ‘He’d make a great father’
Me – ‘been there done that. How soon we forget.’
Had some great shots at the Mediabistro NYC chapter meeting for Sue Shapiros new book ‘Only as good as your Word’. She’s a gracious hostess, cool and witty. Men are from Mars, women from Venus – Cheers.
I love how you handled him. I had my own dick encounter–we were on our first date when he told me he lied about being divorced (no wedding ring so why would I think different?). I threw my drink in his face and walked out.
I think the same way. About cheating bastards… BUT I guess the same is true for women too…
Btw that’s funny that you have an alter ego when you’re drunk. I have a couple. And I’m glad that the real me checks out once alter egos come in to join the party – and I’ve told my friends I never want to meet or hear about them!!!
Didn’t you surprise him by not leaping at such an opportunity! I despise pleated pants.
Fish, really needed this post today. Broke up with the boyfriend a few hours ago. Mostly I spent the evening feeling relieved and exhausted and numb. Now I’m smiling. Thank you. Boys are dumb.
Nicely done, Fish. For the record, this is why people should not get married without knowing the person for a while. This is also why not sleeping with someone until marriage makes sense – yes, smite me for being old-fashioned, but it’s true.
Guys do not change. If they can’t date one woman at a time while they’re dating, they can’t do it when they’re married. If you don’t sleep with them before marriage, then you have a pretty good idea of whether they will stray before you make that commitment.
It’s not like “oh, first date and we’re going steady,” but if you haven’t figured out by the third or fourth date whether you want to keep seeing someone, continuing to do so is called stringing them along, and it leads to the type of caddish behavior your barfly displayed.
OK – preachy hat off now.
hysterical! but not really…I know what you mean, the more I hear the more cynical I get.
I always thought that when I became more confident I’d trust my lovers. Turns out, that was only a small portion of it. The biggest part was meeting a man who really is trustworthy; and I knew it immediately. They’re out there, ladies. I doubt I’m lucky enough to have nabbed the only one.
You know, I was given a pretty good piece of advice the other day. In a healthy relationship, you have to be able to wake up every day and accept 50/50 odds that it will work – that the other person will remain faithful and want to stay in it with you. If you’re looking for any more of a guarantee than that, wedding or no. You’re KIDDING YOURSELF. Be thankful for the days that you have together. But don’t think you’re getting any guarantees.
Ewww…what a bummer! But don’t toss out marriage on the basis of this guy…chances are pretty high he was a dick before he slipped that wedding band on the first time. Not all guys are like this, but it’s the ones who are that we’re most likely to meet. UGH.
Good call on the tequila…it makes me brawl, too. Best avoided, as no one is at their prettiest when screaming obscenities at someone for no apparent reason
This post is very funny! I agree that that guy was an asshole.
Just to come in from the other side of things, however, I will say that NOT all men will cheat. Some may call me naive for this, but my husband is 100% in love with me, and I with him, and neither of us would for a second consider cheating.
I’ll just say it again, for emphasis: not all husbands cheat on their wives. Not all wives cheat on their husbands. I know you’re partially kidding when you talk about spinsterhood, but marriage can be a beautiful, fulfilling thing when both partners are fully engaged.
Oh, and for the record, I fully endorse sleeping with/living with someone prior to marriage.
Funny. Well-written. I can just see the guy.
I have no doubt there are millions just like him.
A humorous post.
Though, try not to forget that there is a world of men that you don’t see at the bars. Perhaps it is easy to forget about them because they are not there and it is easy to forget them because they are not assholes leaving such impressions on you, but they do exist.
ARG! What an asshole! I think he’s the one who doesn’t have any idea what marriage is like.
I love how those guys always blame their wives for the state of their marriage. Oh, gee, you feel like she’s always watching you? Maybe that’s because she knows you.
Humans are programmed by their genes to go from one partner to another… creates more genetic diversity. But there may be a way to keep the honeymoons from ending.
http://www.reuniting.info/science/oxytocin_health_bonding
http://www.reuniting.info/science/two_types_of_libido
Can’t say for sure, since I haven’t had the opportunity to try it.
The next worst line is, “my wife doesn’t understand me”. Well if the woman who has spent god knows how many years by your side, putting up with your crap, and raising your kids doesn’t understand you, then why in the world do you think I, a stranger, would have the information necessary to decode you?
The next worst line is, “my wife doesn’t understand me”. Well if the woman who has spent god knows how many years by your side, putting up with your crap, and raising your kids doesn’t understand you, then why in the world do you think I, a stranger, would have the information necessary to decode you?
I think there should be a seperate kind of marriage for dicks like that.
Even though we might say the same words at the ceremony, he for sure didn’t make the same committment that I want to.
OK, I need help here! Are pleated khakis uncool??? Should I be buying flat-front khakis?
Awesome. You’re one realisation closer to not marrying / spending your life with a complete loser. You’ll now recognise this type anywhere and you won’t get involved with him. Thank god for bar room epiphanies, we women would get nowhere without them!
I’m glad you noticed the ringh. Just imagine if you hadn’t… A cheat isn’t cute even when he is the cutest guy!
Mr. Khaki Pants was just taking advantage of a well known phenomenon – single women luuuuv married guys. Just witness the myriad of letters to Dear Abby and the ilk on the subject: “He said he was going to divorce his wife but he hasn’t yet”. As for the opposite, I haven’t seen any letters saying “She said she’d divorce her husband but she hasn’t yet”. Being totally serious here – why is that?
I got one worse than this. My best friend received an e-mail from her ex-boyf (high school) who was ENGAGED to someone else at that time. The VaJ.J. KICKER — He wanted to know if there was any chance they might make chickychicky again (mind you, it’s been about 6 yrs since they last talked). She responded “You’re a CREEP!”
BTW his name is Dave and he lives in Maryland ladies, so if you’re his future wife, F’n RUN LIKE FORREST!
Shockingly, I still want to marry, but first I’ll be checking his khaki pockets!
I love tequila …. too bad it don’t love me.
I teach music lessons on the side, and one night I was out at a bar and saw one of my students’ dads. He was drunk, and tried to hit on me and was hitting on any other girl there that he could find. I am sure his wife has no idea… he’s a BALDING, big glasses, pleated khakis wearing guy!
With that said… guys act like they’re forced to get married and then it’s such a burden because they can’t flirt with other women or look or “get with.” It’s THEIR decision to pop the question! Dudes, if you aren’t ready to give up hitting on women at bars, DON’T get married. If I ever found out my boyfriend cheated on me, I’d knock him into last week, and we’re not even married.
Marriage is a depreciable asset. In business theory 101, they tell you to buy things that increase in value and rent things that decrease in value. I have never met a married man that gets better looking, more faithful, more virile, more thoughtful, more exciting. Ergo, most women marry for -financial/familial security-, however, as demonstrated by the above article, it’s a HIGH risk/low return option. So save $20 a week – put it in an investment and buy yourself some financial security. THEN — why would I buy when I can lease and trade in for the newer model when it comes out? This, my dear ladies, is how you end up healthy, wealthy and wise……
I’ve been married to a dick and dated an angel – bottom line, ladies, there are guys who will cheat and guys who won’t because they just love you and think you’re the best thing ever happened to them. Before you get married, be VERY sure which type your guy is. And don’t let the jerks make you fear and run away from the nice guy -that was my mistake.
Men are not the only ones that cheat on women. My husbands first love was a married woman and used the line that they are going to get a divorse. At first he did not know she was married until he fell for her, then when he found out, bamb she used that line. Well it has been Seven years and she is still married to the man.
But marriage is a wonderful thing. I would not give up the opportunity just because I am scared he is going to cheat. 90% of my boyfriends cheated on me in the past and I admit I fear my husband cheating, but there are great guys out there. Don’t run from the greatest opportunity because you are scared of pricks like this man. Believe me I have my share of assholes, but when you truly find a good guy, and mine wears dirty t-shirts and jeans, keep him. Marriage is the best thing in the entire world, maybe even better than children. LOL!
My husband promised me he would be faithful and he thinks I am the best person to ever come into his life, I trust him. If he cheats, sucks to be him
A lady says “wang”.
I admit some guys are just a-holes, but if your wife is using sex as a weapon and it has been several years that you and your wife had any intimacy what do you do?
I’m not married nor am I that old. But lets look at it this way. My girlfriend of a year and a half went away to college and I got stuck at home worrying about all the frat parties and the drinking and about what she was doing. She’s a good catholic girl and I always trusted, but I found out I had to ask the right questions to get her to tell the truth. She was honest, but soon she was telling me about this other guy that she was just “friends” with. We continued dating for almost three years. She broke up with me… I moved on… then she came back a month later and I had already found someone else… but how do you ignore feelings of over three years of love. I broke the other girls heart and to this day feel like I made the biggest mistake ever because two months later I actually walked in on her in bed with another guy and 3 months later of random play with her she tells me that she’s going to date the guy I thought was just her “friend” and even if she was telling me the truth it’ll make me wonder forever.
Anyone here of polyamory, my wife introduced the concept to me. And for the record, poly has nothing to do with the asshole in the story.TTFN
To the other nice guy above… yeah i totally know what you’re talking about. People are people, and i don’t care whether you are a man or a woman, people cheat. Not all of them, and finding one that won’t is the key to a happy relationship. I am a nice guy thats been cheated on, and it doesn’t feel any better when you’re a guys thats been betrayed than when you’re a woman. Sometimes i wonder if the fact that men have been constantly labeled as penis driven dogs hasn’t eased some men’s minds over listening to their other brain. I mean, its expected of us isn’t it? I think excuses and blanket statements regarding the validity of loyalty and marriage to be a joke. No broken heart should stop anyone from living the life they want. All i can do is be the best possible man i can be and hope that the girl who gets my heart doesn’t turn out to be just another lying pretty face.
And to our defense ladies, men are much easier liars to spot than women, and you should know that.
cheers.
Broken people tend to gravitate towards and meet each other. Married men or women tend to find themselves in these enviornments because they put themselves there. Those who they run into are not victims but just cast members in their ongoing broken saga of life. If you do not want to run into them then contemplate and rethink the company you keep and the forums you choose to socialize in. And truth be told, there are many more women in your city who find a married man, even one with a ring, far more desireable than a man without one. Broken people..no victims.
The guy was looking for a hot spot to park his sausage. He will still go home to his wife. You were just a treat he wanted and wouldn’t think twice about tomorrow.
That guy was definitely no prize! There are a few good ones out there. With the right guy, marriage isn’t a death sentence, but the next chapter in a happy and thrilling life
Ok, now I have to ask… what is wrong with pleated Kakis and why is this an indicator of gamelessness? Since I wear this style of pants, my curiosity is getting the best of me. This subject is one more reason that marriage requires communication, commitment, and caring partners – both partners.
Why is it always the guy that cheats? Tell you a story …. While I was off working 3rd in some Hell Hole, my beloved was dropping the kids off with someone so she could go out to spend time with her “friends” at the local bar. The only reason I found out was when I got off from work and came home, she was still gone. I thought I was getting off at 4:00 that morning, but it was 2:00 instead. I drove to her best friends house and pulled in right behind them as they were getting in for the night. It was my beloved, her friend and husband, and their
“desiginated” driver. Yeah right ! Oh, and by the way. We did get a divorce. But she still got my kids and I owe her a check every week. Sounds like a win, win, for her. And to answer your question, No I never cheated on her, but it looks like I still got screwed. Also, now I have found someone else who I hope will not turn out the same. And now my ex seems to call more to bug me about “whatever”. Think she may have found the grass was not greener on the other side.
Don’t go to bars.
Girl, you have this on the dot right! Men are jerks! Who wants to be married anymore. You cant trust them.
These stories are becoming all to common, at least technology is keeping up and providing solutions to track cheating spouses.