Ari: Does the Internet know about your first time? Because I’m realizing I do not.
Heather: Yeah, I think they do.
Ari: No, no. We don’t!
Heather: Oh, come on. It’s very uninteresting and anticlimactic… but I’ll tell the story, just for you.
Ari: Oooh, yay!
As firsts go, I’m not kidding when I say mine was uninteresting and anticlimactic. It was, because I planned it to be that way. The story goes a little something like this:
I’d just gotten out of a several month long, high drama relationship with an older man. He was 11 years my senior and a highly experienced control freak. He didn’t want to do the actual deed if I wasn’t on birth control. I had grown a little tired of his charmless ultimatums and Guinness fueled temper, so I said no and settled for everything but. By the time I got out of that mess, I’d come to the conclusion (which, I suspect, will be unpopular with this crowd) that I wanted to do it and I wanted to have no lingering emotional attachment to the experience. I’d had emotional and wasn’t cut out for it. One night, my roommate and I were at a party. I’d had a few to drink, and from the cab made a drunk dial to a friend. “Hey, I’m drunk. Wanna make out?” I knew what his answer would be, and I knew how the evening would unravel. His reputation as a ladies’ man, and the fact that we’d found ourselves tipsy and making out on street corners on several occasions, made it a sure thing.
And that was that.
I walked home the next morning, laughing. It’s a memory I hold with absolutely no regret. And regret, I know. I regret the night that J carried me up my front steps, not because I was drunk, but because I was crying too hard to walk. When nine months into us, he said he was so sorry, but he couldn’t love me. He couldn’t stand the thought of being without me, but he couldn’t love me. That, I’d rather not have experienced. Or the time, when after a night of wildish sexcapades, the man I’d been involved with for over a year made fun of something I’d done in bed. In front of his friends. He mocked my voice, my facial expressions, and I stood there betrayed and humiliated. I’d love to make that one go away. It affected me so profoundly – broke my trust mechanism, perhaps beyond complete repair. Every once in a while, I think about retaliating — exposing him as the Oedipal mess that he is and revealing to the world his confessions about mother-lust. But then I think, that would be mean. And exceptionally satisfying.
At any rate, I understand that there’s great value in the sex/love connection. But I also know the value of sex without love. Or hate. Or embarrassment. Or envy. Or guilt. Sex without anything but warm, naked flesh and twisted sheets. I know it’s not something to build a lifetime of love on, but for me, it can be a lot more palatable than mornings spent sobbing in the shower over lopsided love affairs and good things gone bad.
i’m a 23 y/o virgin and sometimes, knowing what i’ve been waiting for and how typically anticlimactic the first time is, think i’d just like to make an uneventful event of it with someone who’ll just be there when i want to do it.
i do not oppose your tactic. even if losing it wasn’t special, there’s always the rest of your life to have that with whoever is special enough.
and whoever that guy was who did that terribly embarrassing thing to you in front of his friends – i’m thinking voodoo thoughts in his direction. what a chump.
My first time was similar to your’s. I was old enough not to be taken advantage of, and I did it out of curiousity mainly, with someone I liked but was not emotionally attached to. And I have no regrets either. And although I’m married now (not to him) I still fondly look back on my handful of meaningless, but fun, sexual encounters.
i’ve done my fair share of mattress dancing with no strings attached. it was always more palatable than the alternative, which at the time was sobbing in the shower. thankfully, these days i’m in love and the love/sex thing is working out just famously.
“And regret, I know. I regret the night that J carried me up my front steps, not because I was drunk, but because I was crying too hard to walk. When nine months into us, he said he was so sorry, but he couldn’t love me. He couldn’t stand the thought of being without me, but he couldn’t love me. That, I’d rather not have experienced.”
Heather, you are such a beautiful writer. Being able to write in a way that brings your reader right there with you is a sign of wonderful writing abilities. Aside from the fact that I’ve been there in that very position, reading that paragraph also made my heart hurt for you.
When I was in that position myself, I remember thinking that it wasn’t funny that seemingly everytime I got in the car, Meatloaf’s “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad” was playing. I want you, I need you, but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you…. Oh the irony
you give me hope when I see all of those books/advice letters saying “don’t have sex until you know he loves you; women will always have emotional connections after sex. . .” and so on. thank you for that. I need to feel that I am not the only one in the world who sometimes just wants sex. and anticlimactic isn’t always bad for a first time.
i think the URL for Ari’s blog in your posting doesn’t work. you don’t have to post this comment; i just wanted to let you know.
From This Fish: Fixed! Thanks!
Fish, it’s really incredible to me how you are able to take a story of “my first time was a drunken one night stand” and turn it into an eloquent, emotional, personal, rich yet succinct statement on love and heartbreak that gets all of us inside your head. I read a lot of dating blogs and you really have a unique talent.
I made the same decision! I am a super emotional person and I didn’t want my first time to be connected to some gut wrenching heart break. I am so so so happy with that decision! It’s great to hear that I wasn’t crazy for thinking that was the best way for me : )
beautiful. i completely relate.
it’s hard to get to that ‘in love’ sex with someone; knowing that you are that vulnerable, that it could all be ended so quickly by the guy. hence why it seems the older i get the less i am able to open up to guys. just call me cat-lady-in-training.
You are such a talented writer. Augh, I’m jealous…in the best way of course!
If I didn’t like you so much, I’d hate you! 
Wow, what a good post. You have such a great way of explaining things. Good for you for realizing that there is a distinction between love, sex, and in-love sex.
I’ve lived in Utah my whole life and man, are these “bitches” crazy! They all want to wait for marriage, but the guys don’t! So, they find these meek little quiet girls…take their virginities and say see ya later…BASTARDS!!
My first time was much like yours! After a drunken party(and not wanting to be attached to anyone, nor wait to have sex) we went back to his house and I think we did the “deed” 4 or 5 times!! Wow, I never realized that lol!!
You rock my world, Miss Fishy!!
I had the same feelings, I wanted to be in control of my first experience and I have to say the night of the deed I was definately on the prowl. That MIT frat boy didn’t know what hit him. I’m sure he thought his mad skills got him action, but I wanted a surefire quickie that I’d never have to see again. Best decision I could have made, I don’t regret him at all!
He mocked you in front of his friends after a night of sex? Wow…that’s just wrong.
oh Fish, the whole J thing made you this much stronger
I was thinking about this sort of thing this morning. Right now, for the first time in eight years, I am seeing someone who really makes me believe that I am amazing. How is it, then, that I still think back to the wounds from my 6 1/2 year disaster-relationship and feel so hurt? Can’t those memories ever just call it a day?
No good answers, sweets.
Mmmm…warm naked flesh and twisty sheets!
I fully relate and agree! Though it is important to know the difference; something that has taken a while to learn. Ahh, life: full of lessons.
Thank you for sharing!
Word to your mother!
Fish, today’s post is so funny to me, as today is my 25th Year Anniversary of “losing it”! lol I was 16, he was older but not by much. (Only one time) About 3 weeks after “it” happened he broke up with me. Oh the pain, oh the sorrow, the torment and tears. Ugh…MEN. And not unlike most here, I’ve had the love, the one-nighters, the maybe loves and the why-not friends. Honestly, I wouldn’t change any of those experiences as they’ve only made me stronger, wiser, more cautious and perhaps even better between the sheets. (I say that as I’ve never had any complaints. At least not that I know of
lol)
As always…Thanks so much for sharing.
“And exceptionally satisfying,” haha! It’s inspiring to see that a person can have those thoughts and choose to be the better person, that’s awesome.
Mocking something done in bed, especially in front of the person, is one of the ultimate betrayals, ugh! What an ass.
Hm…I made the decision for myself when I was ready for it. Since I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything physical without emotion (even a kiss on the cheek for friends, guy or girl, depends on the person, impulse, and affection)…my first time was definitely emotion-laden. Not something I regret even though said boy has caused me a lot of confusion and pain (before and after…actually from the start, hah, to the end), but an enjoyable and valuable sexual experience nonetheless.
The only thing that REALLY sucks about meaningless sex is STDs. Not to be the harbinger of doom…I just speak from experience. Icky experience.
But then, at least with meaningless sex you don’t have to TELL the person, right? Unless you want to exact your own clever revenge?
Oh my god, reading that line about your boyfriend making fun of you in front of his friends made my stomach turn. What a sick f**k that guy must be. That’s the kind of trauma that sticks with you for life.
Re: sex without love…. not experiencing the joy of a bed buddy (aka friends with benefits) is a travesty in itself. No strings attached can make for some of the best kind of lovin’.
i think you might be on to something here. i have “made love” to two men in my life – both long term relationships – bluh bluh bluh. then the most recent of them went belly-up in the most traumatizing of fashions (the whole other girl, left devastated cliche mess of it all) — and a few weeks later i met a friend of a friend and decided, why not? it was great and i felt nothing. and it was so nice to know that i could do that without it landing me, as you so poetically stated, sobbing in the shower. life-affirming.
Growing up my dreams of “loosing it” were never about beds of roses or sonnets. Like everything else if I can’t get one hell of a story out of it, it isn’t gonna happen. So my first time? A one night stand with an older British acrobat I met 18 hours earlier on a train. I didn’t want romance and I don’t for a second regret my choice, because relationships end, but good stories never leave you.
Who “couldn’t love you.” Only an idiot. I think you’re fabulous.
great post. Ahhh, sex and love and pain, been crying in the shower more than usual lately. Good to be able to relate even if due to good things gone bad.
Amen!
Great blog!…I just came across it. Interesting story about your first time. Does anyone even have a phenomenal first time story???
amen sister!
so true. this made me remember those horrible emotional times and reminds me why string free relationships are sometimes just perfect.
I’ve never actually had “casual” sex, having been married a really long time, and to my first. I wish I had. I wish I had had experiences before him, that could either be the memories that keep me warm on cold lonely nights, or the comparison by which I judge the man I chose as my mate. Monogamy can be a bitch, sometimes.
Thanks for sharing, Fish. Thanks always.
Well, when I had my first, I was 18yrs old & he was a couple years older than me. He was my bf for awhile. After my first time, I broke up with him the very next day! I was never with him like that again. I know now, that he is very happily married with children and I am happy for him. He was my first time b/c it happened to be convenient at the time (if you know what I mean). Not b/c of love. It was lust and curosity for me!
I have to wonder…without asking my friends who “saved it for marriage”, How was that wedding night action?? Because, if 90(or so)percent of women agree that their first time wasn’t amazing….why would you save it until you are married and have that memory of your wedding night? Puh-leeze! Test drive the car before you buy it. You will be stuck with it for a while (if not forever).
Personally my wedding night happened at about 530pm (wedding at 1pm reception following – no alcohol boo!) afterwards we took a little nap, opened some gifts ($$ cards so we would have honeymoon money), snacked on leftover reception food, and went out partying….when we got home at 2am, my husband stripped his clothes off in our garage and then laid on the kitchen floor (it was cold). After a minute or so I made him go to bed, I went to brush my teeth and when I got to bed my hub was already asleep. It was an awesome time. I would never have wanted to be a “V-word” that day.
Oh wow, my first was very similar. It was with a friend I’d known for years. I didn’t like him all that much, but there was sexual tension. We hooked up on two seperate occassions and then that was that. Much better than the first emotional sex I had…that one I wish I could take back.
This post should go on your favorites list!
That’s why I’m 26 and still waiting until I’m married. It’s tough to do, but I know it will be worth it. It will be special the first time, and I won’t have to worry about whether or not he’ll leave me. I’ve talked to so many people with so many pasts, and it’s only further confirmed my decision. Thanks for sharing your experience.
i’m going to third the amens!
Wow… reading these comments, it’s amazing how everyone takes this post as an affirmation of their life choices. There are those who say that this post is why they chose to “get it over with” so to speak. Then there are those who say that’s why they are waiting for their wedding night. It’s amazing to me how so many people can have such different takes on this one post.
Sex with someone in mutual love is exponentially more beautiful and fun than just sex.
Ugh, I can’t believe the way those guys treated you! I am outraged on your behalf at the way that one guy made fun of you. There are a lot of jerks out there. Glad you survived well.
…it can be a lot more palatable than mornings spent sobbing in the shower over lopsided love affairs and good things gone bad….
I love this. This sentence is poetry, and the words flow so well together. Well done Fish!
The last poster commented on how everyone is taking this post as an affirmation of life choices. I think it is simply because your language speaks to all of us.
Thank you for the wonderful writing
yay for you – I made the same choice as to how I wanted to “lose it” and for the same reasons. No regrets here either about it!
You just made me sigh. And I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath.
I think that after a certain age, you really do just need to let it go. A 30 yr. old man probably doesn’t want the emotional baggage of being your “first”, it puts too much pressure on the relationship early on. I think after a point, you need to just get your first time over with so you can get on with life and have an adult relationship.
I agree with DMC that this post has to be listed as one of your “favorites.” In someways, it is true what they say about your first staying with you, whether it is just fond memories or the emotional aftermath of it all. I’m still with my “first”, despite breakups and other people and all. In the end, I’m glad we took the time to experience other people, but I’m equally glad that I won’t have to go through horrible relationships and breakups and after-sex drama anymore.
Mine lasted about 4.5 seconds. Afterwards, I thought, why is this such a big deal? My next thought, he better be able to do this again, if he wants to walk out of here alive. He did.
“and I stood there betrayed and humiliated. I’d love to make that one go away. It affected me so profoundly – broke my trust mechanism, perhaps beyond
complete repair.”
it’s funny how things that seem so “little” to other people can have such a lasting affect on us.
thank you for helping me feel less crazy after going through something similar…
I too made a similar choice. I’m glad you have no regrets there. The way that you are confident is so inspiring to me. And of course your writing is amazing.
Newsflash to people waiting until marriage so that you know he won’t leave you… the divorce rate is upwards of 50%. Nothing personal, but odds are, he will leave you, whether you wait or not. You need to be okay with your choices regardless of what happens tomorrow or ten years from now. If you’re only sleeping with a guy because you’re “sure” he won’t leave you, you’re going to have some regrets somewhere down the line.
i always cry in the shower too
I wish I’d had your foresight. My first was awful and continued to be that way for the entire 7 years we were together. 10 years later, I’m just getting the hang of it. I think.
I just have to say I completely and totally agree. After 8 months with a guy who said he was not ‘in love’ with me… I am now officially over him (6 months later). And we have sex every once in a while since he is my neighbor and all. I might as well take advantage of the situation.
But honestly it is hot and wonderful and I don’t think about him minutes, hours, or days after. I can feel good about me and us and our ‘friendship’ and get some hotness too. Anyways, been there and done that!!
awesome post. as always. My first was out of curiosity. I wound up marrying the guy but it didn’t last. I didn’t realize until the next guy came into my life that my (ex) husband was a truly lousy lover. I can’t imagine the disappointment, if I had waited until my wedding night for that?? Thank God I have had the fortune to spend some quality time with other men. I’m single today, celibate by circumstance. I’ve tried casual sex, and it doesn’t work for me. The intimacy, trust and love are what I crave. The physical just isn’t enough without it. It’s been over a year since I’ve been kissed, and I have had random thoughts about just grabbing some guy. But I won’t. I’m worth more than that. I’ve also spent some time crying in the shower. That is some of the absolute worst pain in the world. My heart reaches out to all of you in your pain. May you find your happiness.
This iz randomz but I lovez lolcatzzzz. I iz in ur blog writinz thee commentz
loved this blog fishy!
a-freakin’-men.
I think your experience isn’t so uncommon as we may think.
I know for me your story is almost identical to mine.
I too had just come from a very dramatical, relationship w/ an older man I was 19 he was 28. we had been dating for a yr. I had told him I wanted to wait until I was married before I had sex and sure enough on our 1 yr anniversary he proposed, and in his proposal he said he could look past my virginity as if it were some sort of flaw. after a few months and 1 month before my 20th bday I found him in bed w/ one of his co-workers. needless to say that was the end of us.
I knew what he wanted the most was my virginity so after a month of mourning I went to party and saw a really cute guy I offered to take him home after his ride wanted to leave early, We went to a beach, had some beer then right there on the sand 2 days after my 20th bday, it was done. I don’t regret it. yes it was out of revenge but I felt good about it. I showed myself I and only I own my sexuality!
my first time was about the same way. I was friends with this guy,and I wanted to lose my virginity…he wanted to have sex…I figured perfect. We never had any ackward times after that. We always remained close friends and I and he have had relationships with others.
Now…
what’s strange about it is we have just RECENTLY gotten together…in a relationship! And it’s been great who would’a thought!?
My first time was when I was twenty-one. I had never been in a serious relationship and waited for things to just happen. I always kept running into this one guy, we started dating. He then got me a promise ring.I knew that he was the one and things just fell into place from there. The first time was perfect but now it just gets better and better. It’s the only way a couple can express themselves. It’s a great feeling.
I was 24, we’d been together over a year. He had a lot of experience but never, ever pushed. When it happened, it was my decision, and I just “knew” it was right. I loved him very much, and I knew he loved me completely. I have no regrets, and I feel blessed to have known my very first time, what sex can feel like at it’s best.
I am lucky: I got to have sex with someone I loved, who loved me back. Even though we broke up a few months ago, I feel so fortunate (and you know how rare that is!!!) I don’t think I could ever have sex again without that kind of love…it would make it seem cheap.
Regardless of whether you agree (and I know most of you won’t), I wanted to share. I realize it’s sappy, but I have had my share of good relationships, and bad ones. I really feel like I stumbled into a fairy tale when I met my ex.
My first time was with my high school sweetheart. We were very much in love and he couldn’t have been more sweet or gentle. The relationship didn’t work out in the end (3 years and some college induced long distance) as we were quite young but I have very fond memories of him and our first time.
Your post has been on my mind all weekend – so much that I posted on it today. Here’s a link:
Oh, you have no idea how prescient that post was. Did I spell that right?
Thank you!
…as far as 1sts go.. mine haven’t been exceptionally climatic neither.. In fact reading this I can honestly say I relate.. (and all along I thought I was the odd one out…)..Emotions and bederoom romps don’t have to go together… And i can tell you about regret… Regret when I should have done “it” instead of holding back for another tommorow… An exceptional guy, sadly we’re no longer togeter because **** happens… It should have been him (Not in any tearful way, just in plain fact)… Because even when we had to end, we eneded beautifully (sadly, but beautifully)… Now that’s regret….. Maybe I’ll tell him someday.
Could have gone beyond PG rating, even just a notch. Interesting nontheless.
I know this blog was posted awhile ago, but I just read it now, and I had to comment. Sex is not how your mother said it would be, but believe me, I tried my damnest to make it that way. The truth is, it’s not special and it’s not a big deal. Not suprisingly, my first time was with my first boyfriend who ended up being a real jerk and who, more often than not, forced me into sex with him. After I finally dumped him and tried to believe in love again, I realized, sex does not equal love, or even a guaranteed commitment these days. I suppose it could be that I’ve just slept with all the wrong men, but truth be told, I’m exhausted from “sexpectations.” And sometimes there’s just no one out there at the time to love (or to be disappointed by) and a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!