My new dentist and I are off to a rocky start. Five minutes after we meet, and he’s calling me a mutant?
“No, no. I didn’t say, ‘Heather you are a mutant.’”
“Good. Because that’d be bad bedside manners. Calling me a mutant.”
“I said it’s a rather uncommon mutation.”
“Now I’m feeling special.”
“It’s called supernumerary.”
“And glamorous.”
Don’t look now, but it’s entirely possible that I’m flirting with my dentist.
I won’t lie. I chose Dr. Jacobs based on his age. At the time, I was thinking young, as in steady hand, in touch with newer technologies – not young as in potentially cute and funny and, hey, wanna grab a drink sometime? But, as it turns out, he is the second kind of young and not exactly the person I want to have putting the spit sucker in my mouth. I very nearly die of humiliation when he says, “Hmm, looks like there’s a little bit of plaque back here.”
Plaque? No! I knew it. I have plaque and I’m going to die alone.
Do not tell a dentist that you’ve never had a cavity. They only see this as a challenge. You can see the scary glint in their eyes as they latch onto that silver hook thingy with a new passion. Then they dive in determined to find what no dentist has found before.
Dr. Jacobs is no different. I don’t tell him that stellar genetics and the love of a good brushing have kept me cavity free, but clearly, he sees it in my bragging eyes. Out comes the silver hook and he starts with the poking and prodding.
“Hmmm.”
“Uughmmemm.” I mean to say, ‘Don’t even,’ but the spit sucker is not so good for diction.
“Well, it’s not a cavity.” He continues poking. “But, I don’t want to take any chances.”
“Uughmm?”
“So, we’ll make an appointment for you to come back and see me and we’ll fill that right up.”
I’d be upset about this not quite cavity thing, but really, it’s so obvious he just wants to see me again. Awww, right? So I rinse, spit, wipe the drool off my cheek and we make a date for January 5th. I take it as another sign of affection when he writes out a prescription for Vicodin and throws in an extra refill. If I were a recreational drug user, that would have been as good as a marriage proposal.
The prescription, by the way, is actually a vicodin ibuprofen hybrid. And along with all your standard painkiller warnings, it comes with a “May cause dizziness” sticker. I’ve heard of “May cause drowsiness” and in the case of Wow! Brand potato chips, “May cause anal leakage. But dizziness? And now that one of the little white pills has begun to make its way into my blood stream, I can attest that, indeed, it may cause dizziness. And I gotta say, it’s not at all unpleasant.
I hope Dr. Jacobs will visit me in rehab.
that’s hilarious. my dentist is an old man with white hair who drives sexy cars. tinker away at my teeth mister i DON’T have to impress you.
I once chose an osteopath based on the fact that his name was George Michael. George was a lovely little man with a beard and a cardigan. Unfortunately he was busy so I had to see his Calvin-Klein model off-sider who promptly made me stand in the middle of the room in my bra and trousers while he stared at my back and front for five minutes. I can’t even explain how mortifying it was. He kept telling me to relax but I don’t think he realised how difficult it was when a. you’re trying to hold your stomach in and b. someone so attractive is staring at your very-rarely exposed-except-in-the-shower body.
Just happened upon your blog, but I am sufficiently intrigued by both its content and your craft. I’ll be checking in regularly and trying to catch up on the history so I don’t feel totally lost! And, my chiropractor was much like your dentist. He could have adjusted me ANYTIME he wanted to!
That’s hilarious. You beat me to blogging about my crush on my dentist. Everytime I go back to see him he says, “It’s nice to see you again.” I wonder, how does he mean that as I gaze into his big blue eyes. Maybe it’s the laughing gas.
Just a guess.
Is that the first time you’ve scored drugs after flirting with someone? Believe me, you don’t want to do down that road.
My last dentist was really cute, but he did have a family. It still was embarrassing when he would find cavaties etc., because I may have been in love with him those teenage years. My new dentist is an older man, reminds me of a jolly youngish grandfather.
Why did you get painkillers? You got your wisdom teeth out already? Confused, since you said you just met this new dentist.
The headaches. I go to the oral surgeon shortly, but until then I have to deal with constant headaches. Thus the painkiller.
i need a dentist like that! instead i’m stuck going to my dad….
You’ve never had a cavity?? Why do you throw that in my face all the time?
I actually looked up the graduation year of all the dentists on my plan and then checked the young ones against the marriage records. (Law school skills come in handy). Part way through I realized I was bordering on psycho and decided to just let my insurance choose. I ended up with a very appropriate person to find cavities without making me blush at all. But when I go back next week, it sure would be nice to have something to look forward to other than pain.
I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 16, and I had an enormous crush on my oral surgeon, who was adorable. I was so in love that I actually woke up in the middle of the procedure and just started making cow eyes at him until he tapped me on the forehead and told me to go back to sleep. There he was, cracking my teeth and yanking stuff out and I’m staring at him like he hung the moon.
God that was fun.
Are you sure it was the drugs that made you dizzy? I would agree, though, that vicodin is good stuff. Not as good at a hot medical professional.
I had a similiar, but seriously more embarrassing episode with my doctor, not my dentist. I’m sure I’ve posted about it in the past six months or so.
eeesh!
By the way, great blog!
To overuse the word, hilarous entry. I had a man-crush on a doctor I saw once. I think he reminded me of Jeremy Piven (and this was before Entourage).
“I don’t know if you know this about me, Joe Rogan. I like to smoke rocks.”
Heather- As I told Tammi, my dentist hires these jaw droppingly beautiful, tall, blonde, and glamourous assistants from eastern Europe to help out at the office. Needless to say, I have no problem keeping my mouth open during the dental work. Is my dentist good looking? I dunno, I haven’t actually looked at HIM yet. -Gregg
Oh, I wish – my dentist is my husband’s best friend from high school, and I think he is afraid to upset me so he lets things go – I’d rather someone who really did a good job (as my teeth suck), but then it is really hard to argue when all of the dental work is free…
If you’re flirting with the dentist… should we assume that the threesome guy from several weeks ago, never panned out?
(Or did I miss a post in there somewhere…?)
i can’t believe another person out there knows about the sesame street film of “me and my llama”….too cool. i am humming the song in my head right now….
I had a crush on my gynecologist once. Nothing like a nice, cold speculum to dampen the ardor though.
i’m lovin’ the dizzy fish. and i’ll never forget our office clown reading the warning for “anal leakage” one day in the lunchroom. hilarity ensued.
I had a bout of colitus a few years back. The treatment featured cameras venturing where they don’t really belong. I was prepared for this, unhappy but prepared.
I wasn’t prepared for the hot co-ed student doctor that sat in on the proceedure. I was all like: “That’s fine, pleased to meet you.” you know, trying to be cool which lasted until they slapped a heart rate moniter on me. Any pretense of calm vanished in a flurry of beeps. Gah. Somehow I never got around to asking her for a date.
Ever heard “Long John Blues” by Dinah Washington? One of my faves:
“He took out his trusted drill
And he told me to open wide
He said he wouldn’t hurt me
But he’d fill my hole inside
Long John, Long John, you’ve got that golden touch
You thrill me when you drill me, and I need you very much
When he got through, he said “Baby that will cost you 10″
Yes when he got through, he said “Baby that will cost you 10.
6 months from now, come back and see me again”
Say you’re supposed to see your dentist
‘Bout twice a year, that’s right
But I think I feel it bobbin
Yes I’ll go back there tonight
Long John, Long John, don’t ever move away
Say I hope I keep on achin’ so I can see you every day.
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/2541/bldwashi.htm#long
Dizziness bad …
That is too funny…
Me and my Llama
Me and my Llama
Going to the Dentist today.
I’m going to a new dental group (Manhattan Dental Arts if you’re in the market for a new place) on Monday and I’m freaking out. I’ve needed to get my wisdom teeth out for the past three years. I went for a consult last year to another place and never even saw the dentist – I ran out of the office because I was such a chicken s#%t. I will advise this new place I need to be restrained. And I’m praying my dentist is NOT HOT. I’d die. That’s like having a hot gyno – oh , the horror! I’ve had a hot eye doctor and that was fun – he got so close to my face I had to hold back from kissing him. Very sexy.
i like all of my doctors, middle aged and unattractive. it makes me more comfortable
ever thought about posting audio. i just did one for S&Gls, but i’m thinking that you could add some LIVE CITY drama from your cell phone to your blog. enjoy your blog, i read you daily. thanks…
Too funny Moose! Yes no amount of imagining can transform that metal probe.
Bwaha, I loved the end of this post.
I’m so glad I read this….I totally have the hots for my dentist and I am trying to figure out how to bump into him away from the office. I mean, how can I be my witty, charming self when my mouth is pried open and I’m drooling on myself?
Talking about hot dentists…I just started going to this dentist a week ago…now I am semi-happy in my marriage…when he first walked in my jaw dropped…the most gorgeous human being I have ever laid eyes on…beautiful black shiny perfect hair, white teeth, and a butt like you won’t believe…WOW!! Anyway had to go back to him yesterday so he could do 2 fillings…he would bend over the counter and look at my xrays with this butt within touching distance…well I couldn’t help to look…I finally had to look away even though I didn’t want to…anyway he called me about 8:30 last night to see how I was feeling and asked me about my golf game earlier that day…talk about butterflies…I haven’t had butterflies in 20 years…maybe he’s just trying to be nice…hope thats the case…I really don’t think I could control myself with him…ha-ha!! I have never had any thought of being unfaithful…but if it was ever ging to happen…he’d be the one!! He’s 30 & I’m 40! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!