I haven’t been on a field trip in at least fifteen years. And that, my friends, is approximately how long it is going to take to convince me to go on another one.
“You are done bothering her. And you are turning around.”
“Stop kicking his chair.”
“Keep your hands to yourself. And your fingers! Nicodemus, get your fingers out of his ears!”
“Why are you still talking?”
“You just went. What, are they handing out PlayStations in the bathroom? Sit down.”
I was only in charge of ten or so kids. But lord baby jesus amen hallelujah did I have my hands full.
Some kind and generous soul had paid to rent out an entire theater so that our students could see Akeelah and the Bee. In the middle of the day. On a Monday. I know, right? I am constantly in awe of people and their generosity to our kids. I am also constantly in awe of how quickly those kids can drive a girl to the belief that they do not deserve such generosity and get your fingers out of his ears or I will turn this bus right back around!
“Miss?”
“Yes?”
“Miss, I can’t sit here.”
“Well, I’m afraid you have to. Everyone needs to stay in their assigned seats.”
“But! I will get in trouble if I sit here.”
“Seems like something you’re in control of, don’t you?”
“No.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I hate him!”
“There are much nicer ways of saying that, I think.”
“Fine. Sorry. I do not get along with him because he is really annoying.”
“Hmm. Better. But you’re not moving.”
“Miss?”
“Yes?”
“Can I go to the bathroom?”
From the time we sat down in the theater, it took the movie seventeen minutes to start. It took me about nine of those to understand why god gives you children in baby form. If he left you with an eleven-year-old, you’d be asking him for the gift receipt.
“Miss?”
“No.”
we got the baby forms.
but we’re still TOTALLY holding onto the gift receipts. i mean, hell, even Wal-Mart will take toasters back from 1985.
I am a single mother of a three year old and I keep my gift receipt nice and handy let me tell you. I used to work in an elementary school and it seems that common sense leaves and hormones and the devil side take over around the third grade. You deserve a raise!!!
haha, a friend of mine worked at Chuck E. Cheese in high school and said it was the best birth control she ever had.
Oh the joys of children I tell ya…
No matter how rowdy or annoying though, we never seem to think that we were THAT bad as kids…
All I have to say is “Bless”…they don’t much better as teenagers!
hilarious.
I want 7 kids. I hope my future wife doesn’t read this.
Although I’m not quite at the parenting stage of life yet, working at Generic Department Store, where some mothers find a perverse pleasure in bringing screaming, kicking, jumping kids through the registers, is definately an impetus for planned parenthood. Of course, there is the occasional wide-eyed, smiling baby that gets the “awwwwwwws” going.
The very first time I substitute taught, they had me take the kids on a field trip to go bird watching. I was just happy I didn’t lose one! It was such a stressful day.
I suddenly feel very thankful for my day of editing presentation videos yesterday…
See this is why I teach Sunday school to Middle Schoolers. It keeps me from wanting kids yet. It is incredible birth control.
I subbed for a while too, thanks to my mother and school secretary thinking it would be a great way to see if I wanted to be a teacher. I didn’t. Especially after I yelled at one kid in the last class “I didn’t let her go to the bathroom, or him get aspirin, I sure as hell am not letting you go get a drink of water.” Thank goodness they were eighth graders and thought it was cool to cuss. My brother is in that grade, and he said I’m still their favorite sub, even though that was two years ago.
I’m a part-time nanny to a 10 month old boy, who had a stomach virus this weekend while I was taking care of him. Which explains how I ended up puking for 8 hours on Sunday. If THAT’s not birth control…
“Miss?”
“No”
Brilliant
Hi Heather, I really love your blog, I’ve been spending afternoons procrastinating at work reading you old archives and everything! Check out mine, it’s bilingual and very short but you can practice your read spanish sometime if you want. You’re the coolest, man, you really are.
I used to work at a K-8 Catholic school at 143rd & Amsterdam. 98% Dominican kids. Such a wonderful experience. I’ve had my share of wrangling kids at a movie theatre/museum/park/etc. And we usually took the subway! Stand behind the yellow line. Moises, put that bottle back where you found it. What part of ‘doors closing’ did you not understand?
Birth control? No way. Made me want some. I felt alive. Chaos is good.
I miss it.
Don’t worry, baby. Our kids won’t behave like that.
“Miss?”
“No”
tee hee. kids rock.
I teach high school and it is way easier than the 9-14 crowd of kids. Good luck, try not to let them drive you crazy.
There was a time I thought I was going to be a teacher. After the first day of student observation at the middle school I marched straight to my advisers office and said ‘i want to change my major’.
Re: gift receipts…we told our younger sister that Mom and Dad had bought her at K-Mart on a blue light special and since Dad keeps every receipt, they could take her back at any time. She would cry and cry. Mean? yes. Effective? you bet. She didn’t mess with us anymore!
The sad part is that so many of them only get bigger instead of growing up….
Cheer up! Summer vacation is almost here!!
My sister has two girls aged 10 and 16 months. I just call them birth control, esp. the baby. They will drive you absolutely crazy if you let them.
BTW, I love your blog. I’ve been reading it forever.
Somehow, when you give birth, god gives you this unconditional love for your child just so you can stand to be around them! Sorry, it only works for your own child and it doesn’t kick in until child birth!
Stories like this remind me why I don’t like kids and why I don’t even think I will like my own. Yep, that’s birth control for you!
One of the reasons I want to change careers is because I fear that each year I teach high school is another year I don’t want children!
Heather- I have been flying across the country quite a bit these days and every flight has one or two children that start screaming at takeoff and don’t stop until they leave the plane. I am thinking of opening a gateside consession that sells condoms. After 6 hours of shrieking I am pretty sure that all the other passengers want to stock up.
good job! seventeen minutes can seem an eternity with several squirming hollering kiddos around.
glad you survived…how was the movie?
The movie was really cute!
I had to comment again, though, because from this post, at least, it seems like you are learning to be a good mother. You have the lingo down!! My favorite is: “You just went. What, are they handing out PlayStations in the bathroom? Sit down.”
I teach pre-k in the Bronx at a PreK-4th grade public school…hilarious post thank you!
I don’t get it.
I’ll do you one better – seven 13 year old boys in a van for 3 hours. Another chaperone had the great idea that we would stop at Taco Bell for dinner. Needless to say the windows were down despite the snow on the ground.
No.Way.In.Hell.
interesting….sigh* thnkfully im NOT pregnant with my ex’s baby….got scared for a few weeks…then i was happy…after reading this…i’m HAPPY!
Despite all the perennial annoyances adults complain about re: children, i.e. desire to retain the gift receipt, the lessons learned vicariously and otherwise about what having children entails seems to evade retention one generation to the next. Bloody amazing!