“No matter what, in three or four weeks, you have to tell me I’ve lost weight.”
“Okay.” Ari laughed. “Like I would say anything to the opposite.”
“No, I know you wouldn’t. But even if it’s not true, you have to tell me I look skinny and ask if I’ve lost weight. Otherwise, I’ll give up.”
“You’re insane.”
“I know.”
I may be insane, but the countdown has begun.
My brother is getting married in a little less than 11 weeks and there is no way in Jenny Craig hell I’m fitting into any wedding-appropriate dresses in my current state. If my closet weren’t filled with nice dresses and I weren’t on a delicately thin shoe string budget, I’d just buy something new and more forgiving. Like say, a muumuu.
I don’t have a lot of self-discipline. What I do have, though, is the ability to get totally, freakishly obsessed with something. And so, using neurosis usually reserved for boys, I’ve begun channeling this sometimes self-destructive power toward the pursuit of lost rolls and thunderless thighs.
I’ve made a food diary. I’ve volleyed dozens of emails with my mother about protein and fiber and seriously, egg whites may be boring, but boring beats fat. I’ve called my sister to kvetch.
“I’ve stuck to my diet for three whole days!”
“Good for you!”
“Right? But you know what’s weird? I’m still not skinny.”
“What? After three whole days? Are you sure? Look again.”
I looked again. Then laid down on the bed, where gravity does kinder things to tummies and hip bones and looked one more time. Nada.
It’s going to be a long 11 weeks.
I bet you’d get takers if you offered a This Fish diet. What kills me, though, is what happens after 11 weeks when I feel sufficiently entitled to all things of which I was deprived.
As a guy who’s had to do this dieting things for some of my recreational pursuits, I can feel your pain. I’m sure you’ll get all sorts of bull**** advice, but the key is to minimize complex carbs, while keeping just enough in your diet so you’re not passing out. And completely cut fruit juice, energy drinks and soda and sugar (my biggest challenge as I seem to be part humming bird). Oh. And alcohol.
It’s that simple. Easy? No. Simple. Yes.
My trick during such trying times was to tell myself that POW’s during WWII lived on less than 700 calories a day, so I could certainly live on 1500 or less (especially considering I wasn’t being forced to get my protein from maggots and weavils).
Haha, I feel the same way about a college gals reunion over Labor Day. Why did we plan a beach weekend? Why not skiing, with lots of clothes on?? Or perhaps a blanket-wearing contest? I think that would really help us relive old times…
Good luck. Egg whites are, by the way, delicious with a little Tony Chachere’s.
Your blog is looking very toned. And tan.
fish–just went through two weeks of dieting hell in prep for a friend’s wedding reception…and a really form-fitting red dress i wanted to look hot in! then i ate all the reception food i could handle that night (w/o totally throwing up!) only problem is, i have a high school reunion the end of july that i must continue this insanity for–must look skinny, must look sexy, oh, and must look tan as well (hence the tanning salon visits while praying against skin cancer)!! what other choice do we all have?!? vanity is everything in these situations, right? you go, girl, and more power to you–and may you see your hip bones with striking definition in the near future!
Ah, the wedding season. And everything is strapless, hitting perfectly at that flubber between the arm and the dorso that flops over.
Good luck!!
haha! good luck to you… i never got a patinece for diets. lucky for me i don’t get fat easily and if i do i get back on my weight right away…
but im not the skinny type and i’ve been dreaming to have really really THIN arms… but then no diets for me… i guess i’ll try boxing…
dont forget to excercise… u dont want fats dangling on that nice dress once you got your weight right after 11 weeks…
i’ll keep an eye on your blog…
Fish, you should try the “master cleanse” (google it) – it is perfect for obsessive types and does the job really well and is a great âspringboardâ for a diet.
Best of luck in your pursuit for a slimmer silhouette, fish! I’ll keep my diet-obsessive fingers crossed for you, and I’m also trying to knock off some thunder prior to a beach vacation scheduled for 4 weeks from today. I wonder if just not eating for 4 weeks will get me back into that bikini…
not that you asked for advice but…..I got married 4 weeks ago and was hell-bent on being a skinny bride. I carried 3lb. weights while on the elliptical machine and it worked wonders. Slimmer arms, plus good abs to help keep your balance on the machine. I was toned in a month.
http://www.fitday.com is the best tracker…
but whatever you do, dont go below 1200 cals a day – if you do, you’ll send your body into starvation mode and while you will lose weight for the first week, you will screw up your metabolism and stop losing weight – and instead your body will hoarde!
forget the crap about carbs & whatnot. just dont take in too many calories… if you need an emergency fix right at the end, low carb may help, but over 11 weeks – just watch the calories…
i hope you at least like the dress choices… i had to crash diet to fit into pink tulle once… nothing worse than food deprivation AND public humiliation!
good luck! (oh, and i hope none of this was construed as advice – i know you hate that! – just a few things i’ve learned along my diet yo yo trips…)
E is right on about Tony’s. (Made in my hometown by the way). But a slightly better alternative is Slap Ya Mama’s Cajun Seasoning.
We could trade weight loss numbers at the end of each week … you tell me in pounds, I’ll tell you in kilos.
Sigh, I need to lose weight, I just did the long dark winter of my little immigrant soul and the results aint good.
Anyway, good luck … I’m sure you’ll do it (which is so much simpler than me being sure that I’ll do it)
First time commenter here, so I’ll start by saying I love your site. Anyhow, this one hits close to home as I’m on an endless quest to lose. I’ve always been near the edge or over the edge of “overweight” and I love to eat. But..I just started working with a nutritionist and have made HUGE progress in the last few months. I won’t offer advice since I know your policy on that, but if you need easy recipe/dining out ideas to keep from getting bored, I’d be happy to share.
Good luck! 11 weeks will fly by!
I’d go for one of those Staples “easy button” things in a heartbeat, but I haven’t been able to find one….
(Sigh!)
On one hand, JD is right; on the other, so is Bridget. Be careful, Fishling!!
it never happens fast enough. good luck, though.
i am sure you look great, as you are.
I have so been there, sister. I hear you.
My brother is getting married in November (they pushed the date SOONER just yesterday), the bride is a gorgeous skinny little thing, and I’m a bridesmaid.
I’ll be watching and waiting for any advice for the slimdown, cause I’m beginning soon!
Like a muumuu – chuckle
Neurosis normally saved for boys – laugh
It’s been three days and I’m still not skinny – full-on laughing that brought a cubicle neighbor over to see what I was doing.
Love your wit – hope your diet works!
I am exactly the same way when it comes to obsessisng over something. But I will tell you what worked for me when about 8 months ago I felt that my clothes were getting kinda snug.
I got this book called 8 minutes in the morning to lean hips & lean thighs. By Jorge Cruise
I did the excercises & ate exactly how the book told me too, even the part about cutting out alcohol &
in 4 weeks I lost so many inches off my whole body that I was really skinny. Like a size 2 skinny & before that I almost in a 6.
And here I long to be a size 6 again! I will totally check out that book.
I dropped 25lbs from Oct-Jan. by working out and eating a little better. and i cut back on drinkig. i’ve kept most of it off (20). but i still have a ways to go. Good luck!
For the obsessive-compulsive types who catalog their lives online already: http://sparkpeople.com
It’s free, and it’s pretty awesome!
Good luck with your diet. I am on a similar goal at the moment.
Catalina in July, Wedding in Aug, Cruise in Sept. Holy help my Abs !!
But how will you say “no” to red velvet cupcakes?
I know how you feel though. Want a diet buddy? (Asks the girl who just had two McD’s cheeseburgers for dinner????)
I’m sure you weren’t actually looking for diet tips – but I’ll give one none-the-less. I lost over 30lbs using NutriSystem. It’s not expensive and delivered right to your door. Add some salad and some fruit and you’re good to go. Tip: pick your own food and don’t rely on their “favorites”.
I feel your pain. I’ve got similar goals. I just had Chick-Fil-A for dinner so we’re not off to a good start here. I look forward to reading all about your success.
Best of luck!
BTW, Lola, I love red velvet cupcakes. There’s just no way to avoid them. I don’t even try.
I’d take egg whites over maggots anyday.
unless the maggots were sprinkled over red velvet cupcakes. then it’s a toss-up.
Oh diets!Summer’s here, weddings, swimsuits, dresses, and blablabla and then…there’s the diet! OMG, whoever invented that anyway…?
i was just telling jonathan – after eating an entire mediterraneo’s thin crust pizza tonight, i weighed myself and found that i lost 3-4 lbs since this time last week. the secret? insane amounts of work stress + no time for daytime food.
however, now that i think about it, if you multiply that lifestyle times 11 weeks, i think the result is death.
terrible idea.
you have inspired me to start a food diary again. totally serious; very excited.
Fish, I have been postponing my yoga / exercises for months now!! So I came upon this idea while reading your blog that I am also going to start my walks/yoga right from tomorrow morning. my goal is to loose 12 pounds in 11 weeks. This should be fun and interesting because I have never gone on a diet or losing lbs round before. I just hope to maintain the enthusiasm I am having now
hoorayyyyyy
weight watchers fish. weight watchers. i swear to you. its the best way to make sure youre not undereating and making your metabolism slower. 11 weeks is plenty of time too.
I agree with Ana. Weight Watchers is the way to go. Take a look at dwlz.com
Fish…is that you….you sound so skinny!!!
I am also on the torture train along with you. I have my 10 year high school reunion in August. I woke up one day and was like, I have had 10 years to get ready for this day and I wait until two months before to start looking good.
I along with you hate the bland diet and the 1 and a 1/2 of cardio everyday but I do love my clothes getting looser and the numbers on the scale going down.
Best of Luck. I know it’s not easy.
When you feel the urge to pick up that donut just say NO. We are here for support!
The only reason to do Weight Watchers is if you do not have the information or the time to program your meals correctly based on nutrition. I don’t need the points. I understand fiber and calories and glycemic indexes. I actually know a lot about food. Which is why it’s positively SHAMEFUL that I get lazy and eat the way I do.
Of course you know everything about food, calories, good carbs, bad carbs, fiber, glycemic indexes, and points. YOU ARE A GIRL! And we girls know all that by the time we’re 14 – we’re actually better at breaking down the caloric count of 1,000,000+ foods than many scientists. Ha, ha, I love your blog! Perhaps you can go to the wedding on a stretcher – ya know, so the belly appears flat! Might be hard to dance tho’
Is this wedding in Texas or anywhere else in the south? the Mumu might be the outfit to be seen in. Just pull up in a monster truck to complete the ensemble.
I only tease because my people are from Tennessee, so I know of the south.
this is what you do… eat like 30 grams of fiber a day, obsess about fiber.. i guarantee that in 5 weeks you will have lost weight and you will be quite regular. also no sweets (maybe one once a week, but that’s just bad). no alcohol (empty calories! eek). no junk food. yoghurt. do NOT do the sugar free food because you are just doing a dirty trick on yourself and will end up worse. lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, fish. you’ll be on your way in no time!
Fish, i have to respectfully disagree about why people join WW. i know all that stuff about food and more… knew it well before i joined ww the first time…
but having to get weighed once a week reminds me to pay attention to it…
Hahahaha I am laughing out loud at “But you know whatâs weird? Iâm still not skinny.” because after a really good work out at the gym I always come home and look in the mirror and then get ridiculously disappointed that I don’t look skinnier. Crazy.
I’m in a wedding in August, and I’ve actually been able to resist the box of dark chocolates from Godiva that’s been sitting in our office.
We can be each other’s moral support
Dieting is a funny thing If you can hold out for a week, it will no longer feel like work, AND you will start to crabe the food you alow yourself instead of the things you need to stay away from.
Also, it’s important to keep in mind that while you may not feel or see yourself loosing weight, the lose will be noticeable to other people who don’t obsess about EVERY detail of your body the way us women are a coustom to doing.
Keep positive and have faith. Good luck!
I see you are reall interested in getting fit.
You might need some special motivation to make your diet much easier.
Good Luck to you !
i find pneumonia and stress to be an amazing diet plan. i don’t recommend it for everybody (or anybody, for that matter) but it took 26 pounds from me!
embrace those curves!!!
At some point, they stop being curves and become… awkward spillage. And some women wear curves better than others. I don’t wear back fat particularly gracefully.
LOL! I so LOL! I so
You are so hilarious.
Good luck with the diet. You can do it!!
So hey are you exercising? My sister-in-law swears by it. She lost quite a few when she added it in
Have you tried Chinese tea? I find that the days where I’m drinking a lot of it, I tend to be a little lighter the next day. Try to find “Ho Yan Hor” tea. You can get about 4-5 cups from one tea bag. I swear by it!