I woke up this morning in a smear of mascara and perspiration. I groaned, blinked a sticky eye at the cat and then rolled over to slap the snooze button. Before I made another move, I needed a quick self-assessment.
Hung-over or still drunk?
My stomach churned as I sat up in bed. Ah, yes. Hung-over. Hung-over like Lindsay Lohan’s “exhausted and dehydrated.” I was sweating vodka.
I hovered over the toilet for a few minutes debating, to puke or not to puke?, finally deciding I didn’t have time for any of that nonsense. I would have to suck it up. Or down, rather.
I have a pretty strict rule about never calling in for a hangover. It just seems wrong to skip work for something I did to myself. Willingly. With lime, please. An exception has been made on the day following my birthday when Jason introduced me to hard lemonade. Oh, hello whiskey!
Last night wasn’t any real occasion other than some flimsy “post birthday drinks” we invented as an excuse for goofing off on a school night. And we did some serious goofing off. As I stood brushing my teeth this morning, little pieces of the night started floating back. Like confetti at the Bayside Homecoming dance.
Drawing dirty junior high pictures on bar napkins (pictured is Newman’s Naked Lady/Moose). Cootie catchers and him choosing a girl at the bar to “take home with us.” Ill-advised confessions about cell phone porn*.
Soon, I was laughing so hard I was choking and foaming blue at the mouth. A minty-fresh rabies case. I actually had to stop brushing so I could pull myself together and finish the job. Ah, women and hysteria.
The rest of the day was not nearly as funny. Work never is when you’re begging for a mercy killing or a long nap in a meat cooler. But the best thing is, I will probably repeat my mistake. I love that about me. I got a fortune cookie once that said I was “foolish and prone to flights of fancy.” What kind of fortune is that? I was pissed.
But, the truth hurts, I guess. You know, sorta like a hangover.
*This may or may not mean what you think it means. If you are my mother, it absolutely doesn’t mean that. I swear.
Hehehe @ Newman’s creation.
I feel for you…if you check out my blog you’ll see that I had a similar feeling on Monday – luckily I’m on vacation. And all that I’ve forgotten has been recovered due to hanging with the same people last night – ah, other people’s memories…embarrassment is not the word!
Hope you are feeling better!
ohhhhhhhhhhhh ! what a post ! it makes me fall asleep in love.
Foolish and fanciful is definitely underrated. We grow up, become responsible, and wish we knew where we put our fancy. Have fun now. Put it in the bank to draw on when life gets a little more serious down the road.
Thanks for your post. It made me laugh. http://www.myfiveyeardivorce.blogspot.com .
Hangovers suck, but they are also an indication that fun was had. That you’re living your life to the fullest. Or at least that’s what I tell myself anyway.
Oh, my, all that drinking can not be helping out with your figure
Oh please. It hasn’t hurt a smidge. Besides, what a ****ty thing to say.
Wow, that was ****ty. How come you never hear guys say things like that to each other?
“Dude, I was so wasted last night!”
“Yo dude, that can’t be good for your figure.”
You never hear that.
More extra lime over here too.
Right? That’s how you can tell it’s a girl. Only bitchy girls and momma’s boys talk like that.
I never learn either. If I’m being honest, I don’t really want to.
And the moron who leaves a comment about someone’s figure is likely drinking alone.
Oh, come on! All this talk about figure and dieting and you can’t even take a joke?! And yes, when it comes to scale, alcohol is worse than all those m&m’s.
Funny too, as I just posted about how people leave nasty comments on blogs.
J – There are better ways to make jokes to people. It’s all in the wording. Such as, “The worst part about all that drinking is that it wreaks havoc on the diet!” Unfortunately your wording came off sounding like a disapproving headmistress.
Always end fortune cookies with the words “…in bed”…
LOL
Noojes
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that is just uncalled for! Does anyone make you read her blog, I see through your crap? No. And suggesting that someone talk about, or heaven forbid, actually attempt suicide is inhumane and disgusting. I suggest that you “get some professional help” for your uncalled for and deep rooted anger.
WOW there are some nasty, mean people in this world, just waiting for an opportunity to spew their venom on us.
Too bad Fish has to deal with it while she shares her beautiful writing talent with us.
Heather clearly has low self esteem problems. What’s so intersting about that?
Yeah, and “ok talent…” you must be chock full of self-confidence to leave an annonymous comment.
Hmm. I wonder if the person leaving these nasty comments is Grant, the guy that Heather just broke up with. Or maybe friends of his. The person sounds very bitter about something.
You’re much more responsible than me. I would’ve called in.
So nasty comment time has rolled around again. Every couple months or so someone has to remember they’re an ass and comment on something they know absolutely nothing about and in the rudest way possible. And then make up various “names” because they don’t have balls or brains enough to be honest.
Sorry Heather, I know you’d probably rather not have this continue but I hope you know your consistent readers are here and the asses will soon be back in their holes.
You know, it’s good for traffic, those nasty comments. So I guess at least iVillage will be appreciative.
I only wish the nasties would learn how to punctuate. Proper homophone usage is SO key to insult delivery.
I was thinking the same thing! If you’re going to take time to write something rude and hurtful, at the very least, you should write it correctly!
I appreciate your writing, Fish. Please ignore the ugly people!
I have been reading your blog, and you seem like a very nice girl. The truth is (and I could be completely off-base saying this), that I feel like you are someone who I would ordinarily like to get to know better. However I get the impression that you are dealing with a lot of “stuff” right now. I get the feeling that you are still trying to decide what you want to do, and where you want to be after your break up. This is a long healing process and my feeling is that you are still going through it and dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with. Heather, my impression is that you are still slightly depressed and unsure of yourself and your life. I know that my comment might sound sanctimonious to some, perhaps I am altogether wrong, but I have been through it and feel like I can recognize where you are right now, and its not easy.
I guess for those reasons, I feel like I don’t want to read your blog right now – I kinda feel that you are not emotionally free to move on.
Ha! Are you serious??
I am sorry to laugh but if I gave the impression that the break-up was somehow emotionally difficult, I must have missed it. It was a non-relationship that when ended (a couple months ago now, mind you), made me feel nothing but relieved.
If I’m depressed it’s news to me. Sigh. Projection can be so tedious.
So, yes you are altogether wrong. And also sanctimonious. But no one’s perfect.
Please Heather, get professional help. You are now two fries short of a Happy Meal.
I think most everyone is unsure of themselves and their lives, but that doesn’t mean they are depressed.
And just so you know – I will continue to read your blog no matter how far off the deep end you go. At least someone will be in there with me.
Heather, you are fabulous. Don’t let the meanies get you down! Your blog brightens my day.
It’s ironic: I was just thinking that you have SO MANY fries in your Happy Meal that I just can’t help but eat you up!
LOVE the “minty-fresh rabies case” description. Oh how I wish I could be so clever!
Let me start by saying “Hi Heather-Long Version” you don’t have to “have a feeling” about how she is doing. Everything you mentioned is in her blogs so I wouldn’t brag about your keen intuition.
As for the blog~Heather, what good is being an adult if we can’t be foolish and prone to flights of fancy on a school night! Party on!!!
Heather, will you please go out with me?
Great.. Lets see how many underage teenage girls are going to read this blog and take the bridge/tunnel to the meatpacking district to follow Heather’s lead. There’s nothing funny about hangovers. This really bad subject to write about, Heather.
“H to the Izzo” lay off. Heather is an adult. This is her blog. If you don’t like the subject, move on. You sound like you could use a few drinks to loosen up.
Oh my god are you guys serious… I think a lot of you need to chill out. First of all, Heather is an adult and there is nothing wrong with a hangover. Most people get them and like someone previously stated oftentimes its the sign of a great night out. I could totally relate with what she wrote in her blog and there is nothing wrong with me. Actually, I’ll even go as far to say that I’m a good person. Just because going out with a group of friends and getting drunk doesn’t appeal to you doesn’t give you the right to judge anyone. If anything you should be more concerned with working on being less ignorant and judgemental.
You know, I’ve known Heather for three years now, and this is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She’s a confident, funny person, and a lot of fun to be around, even much more so than just a year ago. It’s been a delight watching her come more into her own since her move, and I doubt some half-baked attempts at snark from one guy using different names are gonna change that.
We should just ignore these nasties and not even reply to them since the person behind them is so insecure and lack self esteem that they need to insult someone to make themselves feel better.
Hey, sorry my response is late but I had to digest the ignorance first. Somehow, I can’t help but assume the ones leaving these nasty comments are those self-destructive, low self-esteem nuisances who don’t have there own lives. And, the ill-mannered idiots who support the morons are equally (if not more) pathetic!!! Hmph! It is evident that most of these responses are in no way related to the blog, thus there must be some other issue fueling your mean slurs. Yeah, I’ll call you on your ****! Be an adult and state your case! Oh – let’s see how long it takes jackass #1 to respond to this comment.
10…9…8…7…
Isn’t a blog supposed to be a blog? Since when does Heather have to be some wayward’s rolemodel? Furthermore, spending so much energy in trying to “figure” her out or insult her proves that you need her more than you think. She’s your fix, your daily dose of whimsy. Just face it nay-sayers, you need a heaping dose of Heather in order to continue your days of your pathetic lives. Drink and rock on Heather girlie!!!!
Plus happy meal french fries are the best!
I love your blog. I find myself ambling towards it several times a week just to see what’s new with you. You’re so funny and earnest, and a joy to read and “get to know.” Thanks mucho.
Hi Heather,
Glad you had a fun weekend
Thanks for sharing with us! Sorry you have some meanies today! Hope brunch went well too! have a good day!
I love reading your blog as well. It’s definitely reassuring to hear someone talking about every day happenings, good or bad, and then to realize that I’ve had a similar experience myself.
Heather I hope you find all of this as comical as I do. Fricken ridiculous.
Anyway, I only wish I had a hangover today, at least I would be miserable at work for a good reason!!!!
Thursday nights are my weakness. I somehow convince myself that I will make it home at a reasonable hour or that I will only have a couple of glasses of wine, but the moment always gets me. And always a ton of laughs the next day. What better way to start off the weekend? Then I’m usually on the couch Friday night. : )
I love dirty junior high pictures….you’re never too old for those!
Couldn’t read through all the snark. Just wanted to send a little nod in commiseration to the at work hangover. I love your fortune. My most memorable – stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you. Right next to me – a large size take out box of pot stickers. Depressing and illuminating at the same time. : )
Hey, steaming sack of **** #1, she’s got a cat!
Seriously, is your ex-whatever orchestrating a blog attack?
I love your blog. I found it on MSN’s Relationship advice section.
I found this entry particularly hilarious because I can so relate to the survey of “Am I still drunk or hungover?”
As for the malicious commentors, they have self-esteem issues. If they don’t like what you’re writing then they should move on.
Furthermore, South Africans are hot – no debate there.
I couldn’t even get through all of that crap. Heather, you are so interesting and such a talented writer that I’ve been reading your blog daily since 2003, and I’ve always loved it, cheekiness, “foolishness,” hangovers, and all. Your critics are clearly jealous. And stupid. And if I lived in NYC, I would totally want to play hooky from school with you. And drink our hangovers away.
I love you. You are beautiful and I think your flaws are precisely what draws me to you. I like messy women. I have a good job and all the teeth that you can see. Let us marry and stop being depressed.