Call me totally unevolved, but when it comes to certain traits, I think a woman should be a woman and a man should be a man.
Now, I don’t mean socially important things like, equal pay for equal work and who stays home with the kids. I mean, obvious stuff. Areas where masculine and feminine should not overlap. Like, facial Hair? Man. Tendency to cry when drunk? Woman. Yeah, I said it. I buy into gender stereotypes – especially in my romantic relationships.
Experience has taught me that I’m much more comfortable if the man I’m dating and I do not have any of the following things in common:
Dolphins
Yeah, I loved them, too. On my Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. In the sixth grade. But you must not love them enough to tattoo them on your body. Ever. Anywhere. Even and especially on your thigh. It makes me heavily suspicious that I’m your beard.
Skintimates Glistening Pear shave gel
I prayed that it was left over from your last girlfriend. But the stubble on your chest (and the burn it left on mine) cleared that right up. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for manscaping. I once dated a man who, when shirtless, looked like he was wearing a sports bra made of fur. So I hear you on your need to keep things tidy. In fact, I applaud it. But do it with shaving cream, for the love of god! The manly kind! The kind that smells just a little bit like a hospital waiting room and bleaches the bathmat if you spill it. Nothing says virile man like Barbasol.
Making Love
Please don’t say that. Call it sex. Call it knocking boots, riding the bull, doin’ it, or getting your freak on, if you want. Any one of those is preferable to you morphing into a sweater set and labeling a sweaty, whiskey-drunk bathroom sexcapade, “making love.” Eeew. And technically, this is something we’d never have in common anyway. I would never, ever. Lord knows I prefer the pleasantly-neutral, “sleeping together.” You know, as though anyone actually does any sleeping.
There are a few more, including a couple items found in grocery carts, demonstrations of girly vanity (owning or even saying the word, “product”) and facial expressions like, The Pout. The Pout, along with back-seamed silk pantyhose, was invented by full-lipped French women, for god’s sake. And, along with those silk hose, a distinctly feminine thing you should refrain from wearing.
Though you’d think that would go without saying, wouldn’t you? You’d be so surprised.
You had me at Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. My God. There was nothing more exciting than picking out your new Lisa Frank before the school year. I can smell that new vinyl/plastic scent right now…
Yes, you would think that would go without saying. However, I myself know better. My ex-husband was the biggest jock, triple-black belt, could slug booze like nobody’s business, etc, etc… Yet, he had some traits & habits which lead to his ultimate demise, the nick name “girly man” used of course only by me & my girlfriends. I loved him, I truly did, But the facts speak for themselves.
Amen sista!
This is all too funny!
Should I be alarmed at the fact that I am all those men rolled into one? Well, with the exception of the FAG with the dolphin “tats”! You’re Fricking Queer Dude!!!
But in all honesty, I’m sooo the one who took the last copy of Vanity Fair from the Mag-Store @ Union Square! I am he who has extra tubes of chapstick, just in case! Interviewing without a manicure? Yuck! I’m sooo that guy who carries hand cream, a pocket mirror, comb, toothpicks and several other little goodies in his bag.
“Achoo”
“Bless you… have a kleenex”, gasp, “THAT’S ME!”.
Am I really a gay man who is trying to closet his sexuality due to fear of being exposed to the hostility of my homophobic peers/loved-ones?
“Father Jacob, please don’t make me taste it again… don’t make me sit there anymore…”.
Forget this, I’m going to get my eyebrows threaded.
Confused, whoever you are, you are FUNNY. And we should be drunk together sometime. Because ****, that was awesome.
Agreed. Although I am guilty of the occassional slip of saying “making love”. It’s one of those words that sometimes bother me and sometimes not, like panties and moist (which are also two words men shouldn’t use!!)
One more thing…I find it really creepy when a guy hugs me for the first time and says, “Mmmm, you smell good. Victoria’s Secret Heavenly, right?”
MEN: even if you do know the name of her perfume (maybe your mom, sister or ex-girlfriend wears it) don’t admit to knowing it, just sit there and look rugged!!
We TOTALLY can!!!
Come see me, I’m three cubicles down from you. Green shirt, suspenders and a stomach the size of P.Diddy’s self-esteem! Or, is it the lack of his self-esteem which causes him to be such an arrogant little tampon? Especially considering the fact that he is talentless. Just my organic opinion. Hmph… food for thought!
Sorry for the detour, my A.D.D. has been acting up a lot lately!
Come see me, we’ll do Tasti and laugh about our insecurities!!!
ChowzerS!
Hmm. I suppose I should have told you about my propensity to use the word “product” *before* we got married, then?
…as well as, perhaps, my Lisa Frank Sticker Books? Where I’d create little scenes with sticker teddy bears eating sticker picnics and spelling out my name with sticker balloons?
To be filed under “Um…”: conversation with a straight man is railroaded when he gets into a discussion with one of his male friends about “product.”
Hello. If anything, one of you should be be gushing over Bumble and Bumble with ME. And IN that case, I’m going to feel compelled to go shopping for shoes with you after.
Step slowly away from the styling wax, man. It’s going to be OK. I promise.
Men:
If you use a women’s razor to shave, please let it at home when spending the night at my place! Too many times have I almost gone to tears because I mistakenly used yours instead of mines.
Thx!
Amen! I am totally with you on this one. I think there are times when men just need to be MEN and stop infringing on our turf.
i’m just glad someone else hates the words moist and panties as much as i do…
ok maybe i’m too old ….who is lisa frank?
I once dated a guy whose morning ritual was like watching a scene straight-i use this word lightly as i’m still not sure he really was- out of “er”. One morning i had a running commentary going on just to be funny- turns out, it wasn’t so much. It was kind of….hmmmm
45 minutes later……
Body soap-check
My shampoo -check
Conditioner-check
Lotion-uh huh
My shaving cream-yep
Toner-yup
Moisterizer-yes
Tweezers- sure
Hair gel- uh somewhere
Hair spray- of course
Clear nail polish? Um no actually
20 minutes later…… “you’re ready to go already????”
Um yeah dude you used all my ****!!!!!
Should I be worried that I am totally in love with a man who has a dolphin tatoo on his thigh? Holly hell!
Thank you so much!
I have to write something about myself and edit various varibles on my myspace thingy eventually and I couldn’t think of what I was gonna say to save my life. I promise not to plagarize but you’ve really given me an outline of the sort of things I could potentially address in my own way. For example: I want to be the pretty one in the relationship.
Dolphin tattoo on the leg? Seriously?
What about a kitten on a ripped chest?
“What about a kitten on a ripped chest?”
NO.
Sorry bout that- didn’t realize the caps were till I posted.
(Fixed! Yeah, the caps can be a liiiiitle hard on the eyes)
What if the kitten is a panther?
You know what Fish, I agree. The rugged, aggressive, uncooth type, especially in bed and at the same wants to cuddle with me in bed, just because he likes me close to him, which my honey does.
My boyfriend has long, thick hair to die for but he refuses to use a brush, slaps on the gel and put it into a pony-tail and that’s it. In fact, he has a blowdryer that has been used maybe three times since bought years ago. I love that about him…such a freaking man.
Fish,
You hit the nail on the head with this one. I once had a boyfriend of a month, and he compained that “we don’t laugh like we used to.” What is that, are we 90 on a porch swing?
Lucky for me, the man in my life now is in fact a man… he is the boy scout type with a fun sense of humor. No complaints.
I’m sorry you’ve dated/known dolphin boy… I think that would make me laugh so hard I’d cry.
Finally someone brings up this subject.
I know a few women that go to the spa with their husbands. I know they have couple treatments and stuff but it is not my idea of fun going to get a mani and pedi with my man. EWWWW.
Hmm. I shaved this morning with a dry razor, and I’ll do it again for my 3:00 shadow. (I think even Barbasol is for sissies.) I just finished some non-dolphin safe tuna for lunch, and once, at Sea World, I made mean faces at them in the tank. (no pout.) Plus, I’ve never worn stockings, even though all my friends were doing it. Now….Wanna bump uglies?
I prefer the term “bone” myself
oh no! i think i encouraged sissy behaviour in my ex! i wanted landscaping and he interpreted it as shaving. i also suggested mani/pedi’s together! (he refused thank the lord) that was the past. i have reformed and can’t imagine i ever wanted a femmie guy! i’m gross!
con’t oh, and when i asked why he didn’t call it “making love” he replied “i don’t make love, i f*ck” no one should take my advice…EVER!!!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who can’t stand hearing the words “making love” from a man. Just throw on a girdle why don’t you.
Lisa Frank… memories. I dated a guy once who cooked better than me, danced better than me and sewed better than me. I could just about manage all of that, but when he started taking longer in the bathroom than me and using more hair products than I did, I’d had enough.
Once again you are right on the nose. I wouldn’t want a “man” who have more ‘product’ than I have. Knows the kind of perfume I have or want to ‘make love’ Babe just do me, I’ll still respect you in the morning
My one dating “rule” (apart from the 10-item checklist that includes things like “not married”) is that I will not date a guy who has better hair than I do. It just wouldn’t work out.
More Hustler, less Harlequin Romance. That’s what you’re going for, Fish. Trust me, the guy I’m dating now is VERY Hustler. He is the guy who is going to throw you around the bedroom and make those oh so dirty deeds seem not quite so dirty. And after all the on-the-wrong-end-of-the-bed action, if you even THINK about talking about feelings, he’ll roll his eyes and say “you’re not trying to be GIRLY, now, are you?”
But he also opens the door for me and sends me texts that say “miss u” throughout the day. Or tucks my hair behind my ear for me, if for no reason than to see my face better.
Those are the men who are going to whistle and slap your ass when you get dressed to go out. And deck anyone else that tries to. Because deep down, what girl honestly doesn’t want her own security guard?
My ex-boyfriend used apricot facial scrub. That kind of struck me as weird. All of my previous ex-boyfriends seemed to be perfectly content with a bar of soap, which I now find to be a wonderfully masculine trait. Bring on the Ivory!
I ended the relationship soon after one rainy night when he asked me to unlock the car door while he waited under the porch. Apparently, he didn’t want to “get any wetter than necessary.” Not cool. I don’t like feeling like the “man” in a relationship.
I once dated a guy who loved chick-flicks more than I did. He would literally rent movies FOR US and pop the corn himself. He also answered the phone by adding “residence” at the end.
“Jake & Ellen’s Residence”, like an AT&T operator filing her nails and popping her gum!!!
The last straw was when he decided to tell my mother he liked her bag, then asked if it was Hermes….
Personally, I don’t “knock” on any guy taking particularly long to groom himself… but that is solely because whatever he’s washing is probably what I’ll be tasting later on!
I’m naughty!
Hello Fish, this is the first time I’ve commented- but something curious seems to have happened and I wanted to ask- what happened to your link to Benjamin Wagner’s blog? My morning ritual usually involves clicking to ‘this fish’ then using your link to get to his daily journal… I thought it was odd that the link had disappeared but then when I discovered he no longer linked you- my curiosity got the better of me and I had to comment! The friendship you had with him seemed so honest and genuine. Anyway that’s my two cents. Of course if this is all too personal just tell me to get a life and mind my own business!
Amen sister!! I like my men to be manly!
First of all, I loved me some Lisa Frank. My 10 y/o niece thinks it’s tacky but what does she know?
I am so, so glad that I’m not the only one that is tired of the girly men. What happened to men that were men? I’m very girly and I need my man to be very manly. The male role models I had growing up were and that’s what I want. I hate this metrosexual crap, all of the products, the clear mascara and lip gloss (oh, yes), the eyebrow plucking, waxing chest and arm hair (why), and the knowledge of all things feminine. It bothers me. A lot. It’s just not cool. Please bring back real men. Please.
Goodness gracious, sometimes I feel as if my doppleganger exists on the upper east side of NY. Coming from California, you might think guys here tend to keep it low key, plus there’s plenty o’ woods here to keep them occupied in “manly man, man ” activity, but I’m afraid it ain’t so. I was once together with a guy that seemed perfectly normal- I ignored his persistence in keeping a sewing kit on hand- (for emergencies). But when I went into his bathroom to discover “Nair gel remover- for your bikini line!” I was horrified. Worst part- I was a first hand source in telling you, he never used it for anything below the belt. It plagued me for months. Mystery hair removal product. For what. FOR WHAT????
Special ocassions? Job promotions? Or was it something he kept lying around as a threat? What if, one day, we fought, and he would whip out his Nair and say “Sorry bitch, but in about 5 minutes I’m about to be silky smooth, and there isn’t anything you can do about it.
It ended the minute I found it.
Did I mention I adore your writing? I would say I just simply adore you, but as your doppelganger, I’d find typing that a bit narcissistic.
And this is why Feminism has only gone so far.
I once met a guy who called oral sex “making love to a woman with my face.” guh.
Oh, Lisa Frank, how I adored thee…
I used to date the most sexually confused man on earth. Before we started dating when asked “whose the Hotty?” I would say “Who C?? OH haha- he’s completely gay”. Well,turns out he wasnt and we “made love” for over 3 years and as far as I know…he’s still “making love” to women. However, that doesnt change the fact that I used to wax his chest for him and that he used to blow dry my hair straight for me
when I couldnt get the “flip” right.
Quick comment about the Skintimates shave gel. My boyfriend had to use some of mine once because he was out. He loved it. He has always had a problem with breaking out and getting ingrown hairs after shaving. With this stuff no problem. He does draw the line at the scented kind though…lol
>Where are the real men anyway – Austria?
>
>Posted by Ari on August 23 at 12:55pm
Hey, I’m moving to Austria. Does that count?
Mike, I think you are my favorite commenter. Ever.
Paul – it certainly does count. Don’t join the Reich while you’re there and you and me? We’re as one baby
I completely agree!!! I have to have a man that drives. I dated a guy that would get flustered if I talked to him while he was driving and he would miss turns and turn red. By the way that was his word “flustered”. EWWW…and another had his belly button pierced. Goodness!
I once dated a guy that I was sure was in the closet, and if he wasn’t he sure was too “girl” for me. He loved to use the word fabulous to describe anything, knew the name of my china pattern (which I don’t even know-I inherited it),what male knows Waterford China patterns??? He even once refused to come out to meet my friends because the shirt he was wearing was “too homosexual”..huh??? Yeah, it was pretty much over after that.
I thought I had just been sheltered for too long. I recently moved to a city where “metro” doesn’t give 95% of the straight guys here justice. I’m from a northwestern state where guys do things and girls do things-but not really girly things. The guy I’m dating now makes me feel like a mountain woman. We wear the same lotion, use the same body wash, he wants to make love, he suggests pedicures, he misses me after a day apart, he wears more jewelry than me and he won’t touch beer. No beer?! Are you kidding me? He is a 250lb mma fighter, which is very violent, so I was surprised at what he turned out to be. But he is very sweet to me and very, very beautiful. I wonder what my friends at home would think…
you rock, you had me laughing on the floor.
I hate those femininerisms… I had an ex who wore girl’s deodorant (his sister’s) because he “liked the way it smelled.” Yeah, me too… ON ME!
(I found out later he experimented with barbie doll appendages inserted into orifices which are not endorsed by Mattel… wow)
xoxo
HA HA. this is so funny. I was reading a book the other night and my boyfriend was being annoying and it didn’t help that I was pms’ing. Anyhow I got pissed off enough and threw the damn book at him. He left saying he was scared for his safety! PLEASE. It was a book! It was hardback, but still…what a sissy. I laughed so much, I wasn’t angry anymore.
Fish: I love how the diversity of your topics and writing style. You have so much depth and range – I hope your good news will bring your writing to even better places. Oh, and “Mike” and “confused” – great banter!
dated a boy that was girlier than me and it just made me feel kinda useless and confused…like if he was better at cooking and laundry and shopping and hair and all that what was I supposed to do? Fix the broken garage door? um. no. Call me old fashion but I like saying “yes dear you DO have to wear a tie to the wedding…NO not THAT one.” cause i am a girl and he is the guy and I want him to act like one…I guess because then i get to take care of him. I like to cook. I like being the cleaner one in the relationship. I like taking care of boys in that way. And I want them to fix my car and mow my grass. Is that really so bad? …I got it now but thats what the x didn’t understand.
Whoa, I’ve had my fair share of guys like this.
Example: I recently dated on who had geckoes tatooed in rainbow colors on both arms. Not to mention he kept his chest and back immaculately groomed. He put my grooming habits to shame.
The guy before him, called sex making love. He also used to think that nudging me while having sex was cute. Oh yeah, if he wanted my attention when we were out he would PINCH me. Yep. This fellow also had more facial cleanser than any guy should have around.
I’m sorry, I want a guy who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty, who knows how to use a hammer and screwdriver with more dexterity than me and who doesn’t make a big deal out of chest hair length (because I love chest hair) or think that rainbow colored tatoos at the age of 25 is a good idea…
Oh God, the “making love” thing really gets to me, too. I don’t even use the expression, yet I run into a disgusting number of guys who do. A friend of a friend, who used to hit on me constantly, even used to tell me “You should accept that we are destined to make love.” Honestly, I would have prefered the old “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven” line to that.
Some of this I truly agree with-but I think its sweet that my manly-man says “Make love”-I guess its different when you’ve been together for 2 years-but dolphin tattoos? Using women’s shaving cream? Eww
Too funny! I dated a guy that was voted “sexiest” by his graduating class only to find out he was actually “prissiest”. He loved to shop and would priss out of the dressing room while I sat on the little “hungry-sad-bored-husbands-sit-here” bench admiring him and giving him feedback. I am so girly and product loving that he seemed like too much competition. The end was near when leaving for an evening out he whined, “I have nothing to wear! I wore this sweater last time we went out and my hair is just not laying right!” I do believe he had that french pout thing down to a “T”. On another note, I dated another guy with a box of “emergency” greeting/birthday/getwell/thank you cards on hand. Yeah, nuff said.
My last boyfriend wouldn’t let me touch his hair, ever, not even while we were kissing, etc. Not that I really wanted to after a couple of times–he used so many products that his hair felt like it might snap off if I touched it the wrong way. He spent more time doing his hair in the morning than I do! I’m a low-maintenance girl–he was high-maintenance. That’s just not natural–I’m definitely looking for a guy’s guy the next time around…
A manly man is definitely the way to go! Just one question; anyone have advice on how to get over the last guy who was around for me and my kids for 3 1/2 years so I can move on?
Hi Mojo,
The comments section really isn’t a forum for advice. If you’d like to post your email address for folks to email you advice, go ahead and put it inthe URL box. Thanks!
Sorry!
Huh….once dated a guy that wore eyeliner, because he thought it made his eyes look more dramatic. I wonder if he ever got around to getting that dolphin tattoo?
Amen to the Barbasol-I got in the shower to find my cranberry-mango body wash was all used up…hmmmm
My ex referred to his hairdresser as his “stylist”…I hate that, weirded me out…”Sorry, my stylist just called and she can fit me in at 4″…Ew.
Amen to that… ALL of that. Nothing weirds me out more than girly men.There is a fine line between “sensitive” and “secretly in the closet”.
Fish..awesome.. makes me reflect on my dating life.. n yes those sissies do exist too.. out of all my exes only one let me touch his hair n thot that ok yea found.. until one day he shaved me in the shower (bikini line n all!!) n gave me shaving advice.. that did it.. i threw him outta the shower..
leave the beauty stuff to women… men do the manly things, like wrestle with the remote..
wow, now this was funny. im glad I found this website.
I had a boyfriend who referred to putting lotion on his hands as “mosturizing”. Now, I am as feminine as they come but I don’t call putting lotion on “mosturizing”. Grooming is a very sensitive area because too much of it is almost always a deal breaker for me and anyone I date. I don’t want to be with someone who spends more time…shaving, dressing, or doing their hair…than I do.
Forrr the record, girly boys give the best head, so don’t neglect to factor that little fact in…
gender roles suck.
Razors? Soap? Pussies. Just give me some extra-coarse sandpaper and a bucket of sulphuric acid and I’ll be ready to kick ass and take names in 35 seconds.
And you’re right about the term “making love” being totally gay. That’s why I always use “sharing bliss” or “intertwining our souls as one in heavenly harmony.”
Oh Fish! I felt like I wrote this one myself (only MY ex had a freakin’ flower- daisy, perhaps- tattoo! Flower trumps dolphin any day, baby!!) You are funny are honest……I love it!
Okay–no dolphins; no Skintimates (yep: Barbasol, for shaving in the shower). Yeah, I use hair “product” (but only gel, and that’s only because my hair gets all fly-away, dry and unruly if I don’t do *something*); usually, I screw, but sometimes I get a little coarser; I’ve gone for manis and pedis with my wife, usually before a cruise or some other *REALLY* special occasion; I’m more at home in the kitchen than she is (but, then, I didn’t marry her for her cooking ;^) ). On the other hand, I have several sets of tools (and know what to do with them); I could care less about our curtains, carpets, home accessories, and the only interest I have in the softness of my skin is that I don’t “snag” any tender pieces/parts with an untrimmed hangnail. I don’t “dance”, but I love to rub bellies with her.
And I think that most of those “metro” guys should go ahead and take a trip to Sweden to complete their transformation.
odd but i wouldn’t think a manly man would be reading this blog
what can i say-i just love musicians and I’m lo maint girl whereas they’re hi go figure
I find it so amusing that all you see in the mass media on the “manly” front is “how men should get in touch with they’re feminine side”. Usually written by women. You women should really make up your minds. I must say, it is refreshing to see so many women speaking against it. As far as metro goes, that was your creation, girls.
i just got out of a relationship where i interpreted the fact that he used the words “do you want to make love” to mean that he was making fun of me for loving him when he was in it for the sex only. how sad of a phrase is that?
I’m an american teacher in S. Korea and frankly, the metro thing is out of control here. The local Walmart (not the most sophisticated place in the world) sells beautifully sequinned hot pink ties for men, cute little purple ones with jewelery attached, etc.) Couples walk around shamelessly in matching outfits and feed each other. You can’t be a hip young chick magnet here unless you’re hair is simply marvelous and you’re eyeliner perfect. I am so starved for masculinity, I’d probably hook up with Nick Nolte right now given half a chance, drunk or not. And yes, they ALL have purses, call them what you will. The scary part is that they have to be designer purses. I wonder what’s in their Coach bags? Probably tampons, half a bar of chocolate, some overpriced cosmetics and a romance novel…
MMMMmm manly men. though I must say, I don’t care what kind of shaving cream you use, as long as there isn’t a jungle going on down there, and I dont mind if they use my body wash/shampoo/etc. The only thing more manly than not using Pantene, is not caring enough about what you use to shop for it
You always make a point this fish!
And it’s true, I’m girly enough that I need a MAN to counteract it. It would not do any good to the human race if I were to procreate with someone who is as metro as I am girly…..imagine our children… (scary thought* imagine our sons.) It makes the hair on my nape stand, and no I’m not exaggerating. Strong virile men, that’s what any woman needs- and I hope want.