Every once in a while, a fashion trend will completely mystify, and frankly, offend me. Teva sandals (though my mother will make a pretty persuasive argument for their comfort), plastic man clogs (Dooce has been waging a really entertaining war against her husband’s unfortunate fashion choice in this category), and super low rise anything (seriously, say no to crack).
The Skinny Jean is the newest offender. They aren’t, by nature, exactly evil. But the skinny jean, contrary to seemingly popular opinion, was not meant to be worn universally. Unless you are actually skinny – and I’m talking pre-puberty or heroin chic – you should know that the skinny jean was not made for you. And vice versa. The bootleg jean – now that was made to be worn by women of, well, womanly shape.
Wandering the aisles at Target one night, Sarah and I began a rant about this new fashion evil. When a fellow shopper, who was by most definitions quite thin, turned to tell us that ohmygod, she could not agree more, we realized that we were not alone in our hatred. So we put on our God hats and made a list of figures (public and private), who may and may not wear skinny jeans. Our decision is final.
Nicole Richie may wear skinny jeans. Because she might as well. What is offensive about Nicole is her horrifying gauntness and she’s gonna look that way in whatever she wears.
That one Olsen Twin may wear skinny jeans. See above.
Kate Moss may wear skinny jeans. See comment about heroin chic.
Twelve year old girls may wear skinny jeans.
Twelve year old boys may wear them, as well. In fact, many males of any age could pull off the skinny jean. They must, however, do so only for the purposes of irony or entertainment. Drag queens fall into this category. Jared Leto does not.
Your friends may not wear skinny jeans. And you must not let them. Do not lie to save their feelings. Unless you are friends with Kate Moss or Nicole Richie, of course. Now, allowing that some of you may have friends with unfortunate eating disorders, you must still not let them wear skinny jeans. This will only encourage improper eating.
I hope this clears things up. We’ll talk about leggings later. I feel a little dizzy. Also, when I get over the dizziness, we will address the HORROR that is Gap using Audrey Hepuburn’s lovely likeness to sell the skinny jean sub-atrocity: the skinny black pant. Unthinkable.
FYI: After giving up my afternoon coffee yesterday, I suffered a mild but annoying headache around 4PM and was blissfully out cold by 9:30. I think this is something I can work with.
AMEN on the leggings and skinny jeans. Just like thongs and low-rise jeans, they’re a privilege, not a right.
And what’s wrong with wearing a classic bootcut pair of jeans or pants?! Better to look nice than to look like you’re blindly following a trend right?
Glad someone agrees with me because it seems the rest of Nashville does not.
Are you saying thongs with low rise jeans, or thongs in general?
Because I think thongs should be a requirement. Visible panty line is just wrong.
Well, I guess I need to rethink my wardrobe choice for tomorrow night.
(From This Fish: If you were thinking about wearing jeans, skinny or not, to Steph’s wedding, a rethink is quite necessary!)
Totally, completely agree about the skinny jeans. Seems as though they’re everywhere now though! Like the other day- I’m in Old Navy and thinking as I’m looking quickly at a bunch of folded up jeans, that they looked pretty cool. I need a new pair of dark jeans… but to my dissapointment after holding these suckers up- they are, indeed, SKINNY jeans.
Maybe one exception would be if you were to buy them for the sole purpose of wearing them with high boots, OVER the jeans? If you’re one of those people who do that?
Your observations sound a lot like that of my group of girlfriends. I have a list of dos/don’ts for guys in sandals on my fridge. There’s even a website I visit for laughs focusing on unfortunate socks/sandal combos. Ouch.
I totally agree with you. The only people to wear skinny jeans are skinny young people. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the trend or not..they are just NOT flattering on any woman with real curves!
Everyone is going to say they agree with you because you are in fact very right about this, but I guarantee at least one of those naysayers actually owns a pair of skinny jeans and/or black leggings. The Gap is convincing otherwise normal people to buy this unfortunate fashion trend.
Why on earth are leggings back anyways!? Didn’t we already kill them in the 80′s? Next thing you know there will be those little plastic clip thingies to hold the bottom of your cinched up, oversized tunic top! Blegh!
A lady I work with still wears her tee-shirts cinhed up and off to the side… with a glittery elastic.
But it’s acceptable because she’s the most precious elderly woman ever- sparkles, clips, stirrups (yup), 80′s attire and all.
My jeans are all of the fat variety, then I guess. Since I possess thigh muscle, I will never cross over.
Does another male celeberty personify “squirelly” like Mr. Leto? He just looks shifty, like he should get a preemptive smack.
Really, what trend are us “real” women supposed to wear. Between the skinny jeans and leggings are us “normal” people doomed to an unfashionable wardrobe.
I couldn’t agree more!! It’s ugly, no matter what shape you’re in! And if you’re thin, you look like “nothing but legs”, if you put on a jeans like that..
Stephanie: Absolutely not! Classic is classic for a reason. It’s always in fashion. There is a huge difference between being a fashion guru and being a fashion victim.
Couldn’t agree with you more! The leggings drive me nuts (nope don’t own a pair). I thought we killed them in the 80′s as well, apparently we were wrong. Someone posted about the tunic top, that’s another one!
When I was in Jr High in the 80′s, if your skinny jeans weren’t already tight enough, we would cuff them in order to pull them tighter.
Lets just say there is no way on this earth I am going to make myself look so silly again…fashion trend or not.
Who decided that this was a hot fashion trend anyway? Some male designer making his fashion choices based on these human stick figures called models? Those people are so far removed from the normal world, thier fashion shows are a form of comedy.
BTW…If you hadn’t noticed, Target’s clothing tends to “target” thin, young girls, who lack curves anyway.
Look, I know you said your list is final, but I see that it’s missing a critical fashion no-no(NO,NO,NO!)that you just must inform your readers of:
The Fanny pack. It’s just wrong.
I rest my case.
I rest my case.
I only meant to rest my case once, I guess I got carried away.
Oh, thank goodness your are speaking out against the latest fashion “trend” that completely disregards the size of the average US woman.
Just say “no” to the skinny pant.
So, what about the Zuuuhhhhhh? You haven’t mentioned it again and you promised.
so with you here —- and the resommendation to wear them with long tunics or whatever? what’s the point? you might as well be wearing the ever-offensive leggings
and indeed Ms. Hepburn must be turning in her grave
remember pegging jeans? maybe that’s what you’re talking about snootysmama?
ha, that was SO cool back in the 80′s/early 90′s. I was at a party a few weeks ago, outdoors… it was raining so a few of us cuffed up our jeans. then we pegged them. we felt like we were back in our 6th grade class. we were wondering if enough people started doing it, do you think that we could get that trend back?
just for the hell of it? (not because it was cool by ANY means!)
OMG!!! Rolled jeans! That so takes me back to high school. If I see people doing that again, I will freak out.
Yes…I’m sure we are talking about the same thing (although we didn’t call it “pegging”). Heaven help me if they start doing that again.
Leggings, sweater dresses, skinny jeans…what will they do next? Off the shoulder, neon, fish net tank tops?
Oh…and don’t forget to put on so many bracelts they reach up your forearm.
Hey….It turns out that maybe I was just way ahead of my time!!
is derek mr. zzzuuh?
(From This Fish: HA! No, but that made me laugh! Derek appeared as an unnamed mystery man about a year ago. And while he *is* quite a catch (you’re welcome, D), he is not Mr. Zzzzuh.)
Aww, Fish, you were reading my mind. Skinny jeans are a fashionable slap to those of us with an ounce of flesh on our bones. Kinda reminds me of boyshort underwear. Got an ass or hips and you can forget about wearing those!
As for Her Greatness in the Gap ads? I think it was an inspired choice but unfortunately the target market for the ads won’t have a clue where it came from.
(blushing)
But I LIKE leggings. They’re comfy. I think they can be done tastefully …
I have mixed feelings about them, myself. They’re not a definite no, but they are dangerous territory for some.
I am so with you on this. The worst of it is when a woman of generous proportions is convinced the skinny jeans will make her look skinny. Oh the horror!
Glad to give you a laugh. Derek, sorry if I inadvertantly caused you embarrasment….
When I first saw the Gap Ads, I came in on the part where Audrey is in the bar, dressed in her leggings and so on, and is about to express herself, and I thought:
“Oh, awesome! Funny Face is on!”
Then the as got all “Zehpyr in the sky” on me. And THEN i was so upset for poor Audrey, who was most certainly turning in her grave when someone soldout her image for that ad.
Do not get me started on thongs. The only thing worse than VPL is VTL. Trash.
Hmm – I think leggings are okay when you’re putzing around at home, cleaning the bathroom or something, and no one will see you who hasn’t already seen you wearing something WORSE…
Skinny jeans? Never okay. But what are we to do when that’s all anyone will sell?
I hereby promise to take such good care of my stash of flattering jeans that they will last me through this latest trend and allow me to escape with my self-image (mostly) unscathed.
And, uh, I too want to hear about Mr. Zzzuh. Having none of my own at the moment, I’m going to live vicariously through yours. That is, you know, when you decide to tell us about him!!!
THANK YOU!
What, I ask WHAT, are “they” thinking????
I have a real hourglass figure. You know, with all the fashion horrors that presents. I have a hard enough time just getting jeans to fit in the hips and waist(yes, I’ve given up. If they fit OVER my hips, they will be huge on my waist, nothing to be done about that.) but now I have to attempt skinny jeans?
Just say NO, ladies. Protest.
Once again, I will be woefully unfashionable. But comfortable!
I’m just so glad I’m not alone in my hatred of this trend!
Snootysmama: Oh my god, sweater dresses! But wait, do you remember this: extra long skinny skirts paired with oversized V-neck sweaters and button-down blouses closed at the neck with rhinestone brooches? i.e., Lisa Bonet’s wardrobe on “The Cosby Show”–oh, how I wanted to be Denise Huxtable!
The Best New Jeans For Your Figure
Thought you would find it interesting.
I was so disturbed by the reappearance of the Skinny Jean. And my heart crumpled up and died when the radio told me that LEGGINGS were on their way back in as well.
I saw that Hepburn GAP ad, and it made me wonder what all the fuss was about over her and her elfin boy body. It certainly didn’t make me want to run out and buy those pants! My mother still wears leggings on the weekends and I can’t seem to convince her that a boot cut would be more flattering…
I too do not like the idea of these so called “skinny” jeans. even more shocking is my husband asked “who’s that?” as we were watching this commercial. I of course gasped in shock and was left speachless.
I haven’t read all of your million comments (okay, slight exageration) so I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this or not, but vogue this month has a very intriguing article about skinny jeans that you might be interested in. You should check it out.
But I do agree, they are not for everyone.
I wanted to be Holly Golightly! And the picture in my blog? I have leggings on. And I am a large woman. You can hate me now.
I am, however, married to a good looking man who never wears socks with sandals. There is some hope for me.
God created two things that are universally fantastic.
1) Women with ass! Men love them and they all admit it.
2) The ability to find a fantastic seamstress in the yellow pages.
I think the absolute WORST of the horrible, eye-gouge inducing things about skinny jeans is the horrible love/back handle. It looks like it will not only envelope said skinny jeans, but anyone standing within a 2 mile radius.
P.S. I don’t understand short skirts over leggings. If you want to hide them, you shouldn’t be wearing them!
Hate the Hepburn gap ad – immediately change the channel.
In my train station someone has pasted the word “sickly” over the “skinny” on all of the posters. LOVE IT!
I KNOW, right?! Can we please form a coalition to smack the designer who sparked the return of tapered anything? And the GAP commercial…Audrey would so not approve.
AMEN.
Okay I just had to look this up:
Audrey Hepburn’s height was: 5′ 7″, weight was: 110 p, Shoe Size was: 8, 8 1/2, Figure:32-20-35.
Jesus, I’m the same height, about 5 pounds heavier and I still get told to eat a sandwich!
Leggings, “Skinny Jeans”, what is next. I grew up in the 80′s it is defiantly a fashion DON’T EVER AGAIN PLEASE, but some how or another they seem to be coming back. I’m going to start wearing skirts if this fashion crisis goes any further. At least I have enough jeans to make it thru, I hope. If not shopping spree for jeans that still look and feel good, for this average american woman.
Can you please, oh please, add capris to your list of not-to-wears? They make every woman who wears them look shorter and fatter.
Fatter. And. Shorter.
Was that really on the top of anyone’s “to-do” list? Have you not LOOKED at your backsides in a mirror, all you capri wearing women?
Heidi Klum could stand a little shorter/dumpier. Every other woman on the planet can NOT.
High-waisted tapered jeans are an abomination.
SO this may sound crazy, but try men’s jeans. Levis 501s, bootcuts, and 505s are all flattering to the female figure, and you can get them in varied leg/waist size combos (why haven’twomen’s pants manufacturers seen the beauty of this system?).
They’re not skinny leg, and the waist is medium-low, so no butt crack problems.
I’m pretty curvy and have large hips so I also have the problem that jeans that fit the hip are too big in the waist, and gave up on women’s jeans long long ago.
SO this may sound crazy, but try men’s jeans. Levis 501s, bootcuts, and 505s are all flattering to the female figure, and you can get them in varied leg/waist size combos (why haven’twomen’s pants manufacturers seen the beauty of this system?).
They’re not skinny leg, and the waist is medium-low, so no butt crack problems.
I’m pretty curvy and have large hips so I also have the problem that jeans that fit the hip are too big in the waist, and gave up on women’s jeans long long ago.
Bah, double post–forgive me!
Oh, you forgot to add one to the list of “who may wear skinny jeans”- Kate Bosworth. Have you SEEN the photos of her lately? SICKENING!
We’ve had skinny jeans in London for ages…and fought against them! I see way too many teens in these things who look like they are sausages squeezed too tight.
Yes, they ARE pure evil! Manufactured in hell by Satan himself. 7 people in the world look good in skinny jeans, but the rest of us are going to be subjected to them for the next few years.
I’m not lobbying for a return of the “mom jean” but good lord, can we not find a happy medium between the two?
I tried on a pair of the devil’s pants, and it made me feel like my calves were getting hugged. Not good. I wish the not-so baggy but comfortable jeans of the late ’90s would make a come back.
I can’t help but notice now, since reading this blog post, everytime I see the Gap commerical how much Audrey Hepburn looks like an 11 year old girl.
Okay, I was just at old navy um, one more fashion no, no next to leggings and skinny jeans are sweater vests, I personaly don’t like then. My boot cut jeans be a forever living trend…
Amen to the anti-Gap Audrey. That is not okay.
Thank God finally someone tell exactly what’s in my mind. Totally agree
I’m becoming convinced that this throw-back to the 80s is to make us feel better about looking at pictures of us as kids. What’s next, bringing back big bangs and side pony tails? I know I used to look ridiculous — I don’t want anyone to look back on those and think it could be fashionable now!
Heather- I don’t think you have to worry about a skinny jeans fashion trend. From what I see, during my travels around the country, there are very few people that can wear anything skinny. -gregg
I was so mad when they said “skinny jeans” were back. I agree – what were they thinking? And to use Audrey Hepburn – an iconically demure figure in the fashion world – a woman I automatically associate as someone “I cannot attain to”?? That was a mistake. I see her flaunting around, and I think, well then, that’s not for me.
Had Kate Winslet advertised the skinny jean, THEN I might have thought about it. But she won’t.
However, I am not opposed to leggings under a skirt. It’s just like tights, only a little visually altered at the ankle. I don’t see people wearing it like they did in the 80′s. I think it’s a modern twist. As is the big belt. I imagine black leggings might make your thighs a little slimmer? I don’t know. They’ll go out of style soon anyhow. And once people start wearing boots again for the Fall, things will change.
Um…I hate to tell you this but my little sister is in high school (much littler, I’m a child of the 80′s) and she totally digs the side ponytail!
It’s only a matter of time before she’s rocking the leggings and mini combo. I will be sticking with the bootcut jeans, the better to flatter my big ol’ booty!
The Gap commercial makes me sad when it comes on, I was appaled the first time I saw it. I agree, Audrey is rolling in her grave. Not that I ever did, but I vow to never shop at The Gap just for that one ad. (no offense to people who do shop there)
By the way, my husband knows how much it upsets me and changes the channel before I start shouting in disgust.
Is it okay that my almost 16 year old nephew wears skinny jeans?
I would think so. Being a rebelling teenager and all.
I do not, however, think it’s okay that he wears girl’s skinny jeans.
I guess things could be worse. He could be wearing his girlfriend’s skinny jeans.
I can’t believe I’m the only one who thinks they can be flattering. And believe me, I passed heroin chic at er, age 4?
If you are, as I am, a buttless wonder with virtually no waist, they are a godsend. At last something that shows that I, in fact, do have legs, not just pegs surrounded by swooshing fabric. And my ass is in there, I’m not really wearing a saggy diaper.
I, for one, cannot wait until those zippered-bottomed Guess? jeans come back in style. I’ll look like I lost twenty pounds overnight.
BTW, I heard all these comments about ten years ago when it looked like bell bottoms were headed back into style. GAH!! We would wear crazy stuff like that again!! Heh.
I so agree! The fact that the skinny jean is on the horizon for the fall scares me…Everyone is going to wear them and everyone shouldn’t!!
Hate to go against the grain here, but I went on a mad search for the Audrey pants this weekend and I love them. Couldn’t swing the skinny jeans though because, God forbid, they have zippers at the ankle.
Good point, Jan. For those of us with chicken legs and no ass, the “skinny” jeans do offer up more shape than the other options. Not saying a good pair of mid-rise, straight-legged Citizens of Humanity jeans aren’t awesome…just that “skinny” jeans do have a place, albeit a very limited one. They have to be long enough for one thing…no high-waters please… should be worn with a skinny heel, pointed toe preferably and yes, it is okay to wear boots over them. No, I am not a heroin addict. And I SO remember gasping in horror at the idea of “bell bottoms”. Ha! Indeed.
FYI, I look smokin’ hot in skinny jeans. Try a few on before you scoff.
For those who commented that they love them and are planning to wear them: it’s not just the “heroin chic” who get to wear skinny jeans, but also the “unless you are actually skinny” folk, or the “horrifying gaunt…” W[while not the most flattering description on the planet, it's on a par with "chicken legs and no ass" and "pegs surrounded by swooshing fabric...wearing a saggy diaper."]
Just don’t try to convince those of us with (ahem) curves – AKA curvy sensuous legs and a great ass – that they are going to look good on us. And, while you’re at it, don’t allow clothing stores to only sell skinny jeans.
I was bamboozled into buying a pair of skinny jeans at Diesel store in London about 2 months ago. They cost $170!! I am not fat but I am not skinny .. so it didnt work out. Everytime I open my closet and see them I get upset.
- Sucker who coulda bought a pair of shoes.
I am wearing the previously-mentioned Satan’s-spawn-skinny-black-pants-from-The-Gap (yes, THAT commercial) as I type this comment. I thought I looked pretty good this morning… but now I kind of want to stay glued to my chair. Hello, paranoia, meet my smallish (notice the “ish”- not a 11 yr. old)frame.
So all us naturally slim/thin women should just go away and die? Heaven forfend that we should embrace a fashion if it fits and we have the temerity to wear it. I am 54 am I allow myself to be guided by my daughter. If she says “No mother step away” then I do so with grace.
I can still fit into stuff I wore aged 16 but that is how I am built and I exercise and to tone and buff the bod.
I don’t have any, but I actually like the skinny jean look in certain instances. A nice pair of lowrise (they elongate my stumpy torso) bootcut jeans will always be a staple in my closet. But a cute pair of skinny jeans with a tunic can actually look quite hot. And yes, I already wear leggings. Leggings are much more forgiving (due to spandex) then skinny jeans. Maybe I’ll try the look in another 10 pounds.
I look straight sexy in those Audrey-inspired skinny pants. And it’s not because I haven’t got hips, because I totally do. I just know how to wear trends.
I disagree. I am a rather slim girl who packed on 15 pounds because of birth control pills, and I look FINE in these jeans. My chicken-legged best friend looks far better, but a pair of skinnys paired with some cute black pumps… can’t beat it.
just because you look awful in skinny jeans doesnt mean everyone else does.
I truly truly thank goodness for skinny jeans. I am an 11 and a half year old girl wear ‘em. I am so sorry that you must look like A FAT monster in them. You have never even tried them before, because if you had, then you would know they make you feel good and comfy. So please, I ask you to stop being an ignorant bitch, and buy yourself a pair, lady. Because you have nothing-zip, zero, nada, GOOSE EGG- to base your opinion on skinny jeans on.
Kay?
Oh, thank goodness your are speaking out against the latest fashion “trend” that completely disregards the size of the average US woman.
Just say “no” to the skinny pant.
——————————————-
Nope. sorry. Disagree. I am very sorry, that what you call “size of an average US woman” is nearly reaching obesity. JUst because you have your little husband that works at Intel, and you stay home with the kids, and work on your “scrapbookin’” and “cookin’”
doesn’t mean you have to be triple the size of y’all husband. And I am very sorry, I dont recall seeing skinny jeans say, “PERFECT FOR THE SIZE OF AVERAGE FAT US WOMAN” cause usually they are in abercrombie, forever21, you know places where the youngins shop at. So close yer mouth, lady.