Well, all I have to say is thank the sweet, sweet Baby J for Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson.
What? Do you mean to telll me you don’t remember pop idols when you say your prayers? You might want to consider it. I mean, without those two and their once-talked-about half time hoo-ha, there might never be a term for the scourge that has made my morning a casserole of four letter words and mini breakdowns.
Ah, the wardrobe malfunction. Silly TV debacle or frantic Friday morning exercise in terror. It’s just so damn versatile!
When I’m tired (and this week has been a doozy), even the smallest obstacle can become…well, big. Really big. That whole mountains and molehills thing mostly works here, but instead of mountains, let’s go with mountain ranges. Like the Himalayas. Example:
The bodice of my dress isn’t falling just so. Molehill.
The bodice of my dress isn’t falling just so, because of the drape of the silk fabric, leaving my left boob over-exposed while the right has apparently been seized with overwhelming stage fright, and no matter how I craftily I wield that itty bitty safety pin, I just can’t seem to fix it and holy mother of bob, why can’t I find a stupidly happy medium between die-alone-with-her-cat schoolmarm and die-alone-with-her-VD street corner hooker?!
Mount freaking Everest.
What’s even better is that all of that went down before I dropped the yogurt container and it shattered, leaving me standing in my kitchen, dumbstruck, covered nose to toes in strawberry goo. And before I put the lid on my cup at the deli and sprayed myself with hot coffee. And before the wind confirmed for a whole sidewalk of people that yes, indeed, my pantyhose do have that handy tummy-slimming panel.
Flirty skirt, my ass. In this weather, it’s a two-bit whore.
And there you have my Himalayan morning. All this malfunctioning has left me half-crazy, which on top of the exhaustion, is really quite the spectacle. Kinda like when I was a kid and couldn’t get my ponytail just so (a lumpy ponytail being the definitive end of my seven year old world), and having stomped and raged and collapsed into a snotty, sobbing heap on the floor, left everyone else in the household bewildered and frightened.
I need a nap, a hug, some warm socks and french fries with melted cheese. Right. Now.
hilarious!!! I love this post! We all have those days, but you’ve described it so vividly. Thanks for the laugh.
im with you. hugs and french fries fix anything. oops, i mean everything.
French fries with cheese sounds SO good right now.
Buck up little camper, at least it’s friday!
Those things you listed there at the end…um, yes please. And if I could mine with a little chocolate to have for later, that would be spectacular.
Hope the rest of your weekend is better.
Heather, sorry your day is off to such a bad start. At least it’s almost the weekend- do you have Monday off?
The yogurt thing happened to me last night, with salsa. Everywhere. All over me, and my floor. Sucks.
Hope your day gets better, TGIF:)
*HUG*
Hope your day gets better! And in addition to the hugs, fries etc I hope you find some wine and chocolate!
What a fabulous post. This cracked me up. I turn to cheesy fries in my times of troubles too. Hope you have a better evening…
Freaking perfect. Who hasn’t had a day, or several dozen days, like that? Not one thing swings your way.
that sounds like a very crappy day! i’m sorry! feel better.
Don’t feel so bad… I was wearing a wrap dress one windy day and I managed to flash at least 20 cars walking down the street…
But I second the nap, hug french fries with melted cheese.
Dear Fish…
Here’s to a nap, a hug, some warm socks and french fries with melted cheese. Right. Now.
I would add that it can only get better, as in your day, but I wouldn’t tempt fate like that!
Ciao…
I’m having that kind of day, too. Here’s a hug. You’ll have to deal with the cheesey fries yourself.
Me? I’m going with chocolate.
Try Hollywood Fashion Tape for the challenging cleavage drape.
It works a lot better than safety pins or duct tape (not that I have EVER used duct tape….)
Cheers,
Michelle
(From This Fish: YOU ROCK! A concrete solution to my bad day? That’s perfect.)
Big up, Playa! When I’m down at the University of Illinois this weekend for the wife’s Homecoming, I’ll hit up some cheese fries for you. And about 30 beers. I got to give you props. On a similar day I eiter 1. stay home or 2. bring flask to work.
“eiter” is Flemish for “either”, by the way.
Sending you virtual melted cheese. If meltdowns are imminent, melted cheese is a worthy balm to the soul.
As an exhausted chiquita myself, I understand. I’ve also been known to mystify an entire courtyard of people and all my relatives by sobbing incoherently at the fact that my socks weren’t wrinkle-free. I was four. I would like to say that I’ve entirely grown out of it, but I would be lying. Shamelessly.
Melted cheese for everyone.
*Hugs* We’ve all had those days. Try double sided tape for the dress and I refuse to wear lightweight skirts or dresses when it’s really windy. But maybe that’s just me. I hope your day gets better.
Hope your day gets better Fish! Sending some hugs over the live wire for you…chin up young person – at least it’s Friday!
Heck, a lumpy ponytail since sends me into a tizzy.
Hope your day gets better.
Becky
I feel ya.
I too experienced the Everest of wardrobe malfunctions this morning —- a zipper that I had paid good money to have fixed was indeed NOT which resulted in a temper tantrum (I am embarassed to admit) of epic proportions which then resulted in my lovely Maggie cowering in the corner for fear of my wrath and my landlord coming downstairs to ensure that my apartment was not in fact being broken into (I threw a boot at the wall).
Thank goodness it’s Friday and a long weekend to boot!
I am having the same kind of morning, except mine started with my two year old and lot’s of poo. Poo that escaped…everywhere.
I hope your day gets a lot better. I really wish there was a delivery service for cheesy fries.
Hey you lucky Canadians we here in the USA do NOT have a 3 day weekend so quit rubbing it in!
(From This Fish: Uh, yes we do, some of us. It’s called Columbus Day. It’s also a Jewish holiday today so some have it off.)
So freakin happy about a long weekend.
We in Autotmotive in the States do NOT have Monday off! And we’re NOT BITTER! NOT ONE BIT!
K.
Maybe we are. A lot.
Sorry about the crap day! But that, in my opinion, negates all calories from any comfort food of choice. Mine happens to be magaritas or pizza, but if cheese fries work for you, I’d be there!
And yeah, I flashed an entire Chicago street once. The “windy” in Windy City doesn’t JUST apply to politics. Heed the man made wind tunnel that is the Sears Tower. Did the yogurt thing…guess my point is, you are not alone!
Hang in there, girl.
Sorry about your day. Is anyone else getting a Lifestyles ad on the right of their computer? VERY embarassing when you’re at work and someone walks by. :/
How do you KNOW that? Which season and the name of the episode?? By comparison, I’ve seen so few Sex and the City shows and no almost nothing about it!
Couldn’t stop snickering at this post – I have had my share of days like that!
And yep, I am getting the Lifestyles condom ads too. Rar!
Well, I cant give you a hug or melted cheesy fries, but this always makes me feel better! Its close enough to a hug…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Sorry about your sucky morning Fish…hope the rest of the day is better. I just came out of a 2-hr meeting with the Control-Freak Boss from Hell. One of the earlier comments mentioned bringing a flask to work…would someone be kind enough to pass it over here?
great, funny post! maybe you should invest in skirt-weights like the queen mother. ‘course, she would never wear a skirt that short.
cheese does fix just about anything. even flat tires. though i’m not sure how you are supposed to get it in there.
Fish, I have had one those days too! Mine is ending in pj’s, having Velveeta & shells for supper and the videotape of Grey’s Anatomy and ER from last night! Tommorrow is another day!
Apparently I offended the wardrobe gods at some point or was born under the unlucky wardrobe star because I am constantly plagued by them! The worst so far was at the beach recently. I was wearing one of those bikinis where both sides of the bottom are knotted–which I love because they don’t dig in. Unfortunately it would have been best for them to dig in because as I was getting out of the surf, the bottom decided it wanted to stay in thus causing me to flash my fellow beachgoers which included my date and his friends. On the bright side, the bottom was around my ankles allowing me to keep a shred of my dignity by not having to have someone bring me a towel.
I feel your pain Fish! Trust me, it’s nothing that a bubble bath accompanied by a glass of wine and cheese can’t cure.
Me. Too.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Oh. My. God. You just so perfectly encapsulated my entire weekend.
I’m sorry you had a day of it, but I thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone in the Himalayan department.
Here’s hoping it passes quickly!
i had an adolescent wardrobe malfunction once… i couldn’t get my turtleneck over my head. i don’t have a big dome-piece, but for SOME reason i just couldn’t get that sucker on. ensue screaming crying fit. i was 10… it still hurts.
Awww. Try this for a good laugh. http://www.theinandouts.com Enjoy. Cheers!
YES! nap. french fries. socks. hug {insert cute boy here}
Hi Fish!
I’ve been a silent fan for about a year now…but I wanted to share a little story that might make you feel better…even though it’s a few days late…
I had a wardrobe malfunction last spring that had me running across a parking lot chasing my runaway windswept wrap skirt in pantyhose (also with a panel, short sweater and heeled boots trying not to break my neck and hoping like hell I caught it before it made it to the major intersection of two busy highways in Northern VA…
I have no doubt that I was the subject of an amusing anecdote at many a dinner table that night…
If it makes you feel any better at all, my ponytails are still lumpy. But it’s less ponytail, more afro puff. Still, there’s always this big hump in the middle of my head and not in the cute, I meant to do that sort of way.
haha. two bit whore…it’s true…